All comics by eggsforknockers

Profile

 

If I blindfolded you and promised not to poop on your 'willy'... would you rape me?
Are you a cop?
by eggsforknockers, 3-30-14

 

by eggsforknockers
4-02-14
Arrrgh!!!
Well, that's not much of a line, but...
Should I pull my dress up?

 

by eggsforknockers
4-03-14
Let's play "PRISON".
Okay.
But your honor, I never had sex with that baby.
The defendant makes a good point, and should not be incarcerated for simply agreeing to play the game of "PRISON" with an infant. This hearing is adjourned. The defendant shall see me in my chambers.
Judge Bubba says...
I know, I know.

 

by eggsforknockers
4-04-14
What's your sign?
What's your sign?
Wow! That's what I call...
Synchronicity!
What a loser!
Talk about losers!

 

by eggsforknockers
4-06-14
Package for Mr. Jesus.
That's me. Who's it from?
Mr. God Almighty who says in the note... "You said you wanted a big one!"
I ordered one with a purple head, not a purple neck.

 

The answer is: "What a gay christian says to Satan upon meeting him in a bar."
Get thee up my behind Satan?
by eggsforknockers, 4-21-14

 

by eggsforknockers
4-21-14
Honey, I'm home!
What is it my sweet?
Oh of some grand coital measure do I find myself taken fucking aback! What gives with the habit? Did I ever once tell thee to get to a nunnery yet?
No my love, it was but a surprise. One born with hope of bringing new spark to an old, limp, sagging, petered out, stretchy but nary hard...
Thou best be shuttting the fuck up bitch, lest I employ said old, limp, sagging, petered out, stretchy but nary hard hoseth of mine to whip the shit out of your nuncheeks in a sideways eight fashion.

 

I'm stymied.
Shucks.
by eggsforknockers, 4-21-14

 

by eggsforknockers
4-24-14
That grandson of ours sure is an oddball.
He's quite queer, wouldn't you say?
I just did.
You did?
Yes.
Alls I know is he doesn't like licking my cunt.

 

by eggsforknockers
4-24-14
All of our other grandkids have turned out to be heteros, so I'm wondering why #24 seems different.
Maybe he just needs more time.
For God's sake, the boy is 28 years old!
I know, I know.
I just want him to be happy.

 

by eggsforknockers
4-24-14
#24, your Grandmother has told me that you don't like it when she gives you your beddybye snack.
She's distraught over the thought that you seem to be unhappy and that she might unwittingly be contributing to that. Have you nothing to say?
*ura ura*
Oops! My bad! Your tongue is still healing, isn't it?

 

by eggsforknockers
5-20-14
RAWWARRR!!!
Run for your lives! It's GODZILLA!!! He's come to terrorize our city!!! Aiiieeeee!!!
Madam please...
It's just God!
What, no ticker-tape?

 

by eggsforknockers
6-20-14
Okay everyone, I'd like you to stand please. This church will be exercising weekly.
I hate to be so blunt, but if you don't think you want to exercise, then find another church!
To alleviate your guilt, this church will continue to accept your offerings until you return.

 

by eggsforknockers
6-20-14
I'm a man of my word, so let the exercise begin.
Everyone, take a deep breath, and... to the left.
Excellent! You may be seated.

 

by eggsforknockers
6-20-14
Alrighty then! Let's hear some testimony!
But we're all handicapped and in wheelchairs or crutches.
I'm proud to say that I've never let any of that stop me!
But you're not in a wheelchair
Praise the Lord, we are in agreeance. Will Fred Durst please stand and take a bow?
I'd like to thank all the Acadamiacs who have supported me in the past. They may be nuts, but they know their words.

 

by eggsforknockers
6-20-14
More testimony please.
I took that step to the left, and just look at me now!
Let's aleman right, then do-si-do!
Wonderful square dance to Praise the Lord!
Whew! I think I'll sit back down now.
Tithe and the Lord will remove your abdominal wrinkles! Praise the Lord! Donation envelopes are in your pews. NEXT!

 

by eggsforknockers
6-20-14
I'm not done yet. I'm really an anorexic bulimic nobody in a cigarette costume!
Everybody say "NO"!
If that's not a project for the Lord to work on, I don't know what is.
Me neither, but I got first dibbs!
By golly, I've just been healed!
Sorry, but we ain't in agreeance about that. See me right after the service is over. The Lord seeks your audience.

 

Tell me if you can... what is the sound of one hand clapping?
Can I substitute "One fist beating?"
by eggsforknockers, 6-25-14

 

by eggsforknockers
6-26-14
Tell me if you can... what is the sound of one hand clapping?
*Fap fap fap... fap fap fap... fap fap fap...*
That wuk fo' me!
I'm sorry Butch, but two persons are required for the marriage to take place.

 

by eggsforknockers
6-26-14
Imagine we are both lost in the continuum of space. Then imagine that the shaft of light which separates us is bigworm's dick humping the cosmos to some kind of ecstatic orgasm...
First off I can see the whole dick, and there's no head. Where's the dick head? It's skinny enough to be a worm's dick, but without a head? You feel me? You might as well call it bigworm's pimple!

 

Great idea! It's bigworm's elemental and gigantic, prehistoric and primal and painfully pink, headless penis pimple, pleading with a pathetic piety to be purged of it's penisorial gumbo.
I've done a little growing since last we talked and I've learned enough to know that I shouldn't be talking about worm cock. The same goes for a worm pimple, especially if it's on the butt.
by eggsforknockers, 6-26-14

 

OH MY GOD! MY APOLOGIES TO ALL OF TIME AND SPACE FOR MY FAILURE OF AN IMAGINATION!
What about the worm? First you talk about his skinny dick, then you call him a pimple for Christ's sake! Now you apologize to time and space who don't even give a fuck! Grow up!
by eggsforknockers, 6-26-14

 

by eggsforknockers
6-27-14
Bless me father, for I have sinned...
Okay. Just a minute while I rearrange things.
What's going on anyway. I have a funny feeling that you're behind me.
Yes I am. Can you tell what I'm doing behind you?
It feels like something small is being pushed in and out of my ass.
You're such a nasty bitch! I want 5 minutes of silence while I moan about you unto God. Then I want you to pull up your nasty panties and get out!

 
by eggsforknockers, 7-20-14

 

Did your cigar have sex with that woman?
Yes.
by eggsforknockers, 7-30-14

 

by eggsforknockers
8-14-14
Oy.
Yo.
You're hired.

 

by eggsforknockers
9-24-14
Oh, so you had the guts to come to the door huh, Mr. Giver of herpes? How about I smash your face in and then...
Some kind of tough guy eh? MOM!!! it's for you!
...and that's how I got three assholes!
Gr... Gr... Gr... Gravity here's kind of weird, isn't it?

 

by eggsforknockers
9-24-14
Hating Honey Boo Boo is tragic. Would it make you feel better if I sucked your nuts?
I think it would if I had any.
Maybe if I just gnaw a little where they would be if you had some.
First let's try jumping up and down on the bed.
WTF? I guess it's worth a try!
If they don't descend after 10 minutes, you can start gnawing.

 

by eggsforknockers
10-02-14
Hey there! I know I'm just a cat and I know I'm the one that filled the cat box up with shit, but I also know that you're the one who needs to empty it. Could you do that for me please?
How about you shut up and I'll tend to it when I've got the time and inclination?
Great! Then you can lick the shit off my butt fur until you can find the time and inclination.
Please no!!! Not again!!!
Ahhh... yes... that's it... yesss... keep licking, south to north, south to north! That's it you dirty cat shit box CAT SHIT EATER! Suck that fur... suck it clean!

 

by eggsforknockers
10-02-14
When I look in the mirror, I see myself.
I know it's me looking back. I'm a self aware cat, right?
?
Right?
Whatever.
Why am I so callous to myself?

 

by eggsforknockers
10-08-14
Where are you Chen? I've got customers wanting their fries and you're fucking the dog!!! WTF have you been doing???
So solly suh, I hop and sing as fast I can, but other employees hit me again and again!
Oh boy, here we go again! I only hired you because I thought you were a chip off the old block...
Ode brock?
...of yellow quartz.
Yerrow kotz? Oh! My dad!

 

by eggsforknockers
10-08-14
Your dad's 'hammered larynx' disability retirement was legitimate. I don't need you... WTF are you doing now???
Me raffing at yerrow kotz joke you make! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
If you're going to stick your nose up my ass by laughing at my jokes, then you're going to suck my dick with your yellow teeth just like your dad did. Understand???
Yes. *suckeesuckee... suckeesuckee...*
Oooh... aaah... Hey, you might as well practice your 'r' sounds while you're down there! Get some time in multi-tasking. Good. You're doing very well!
Thank you suh! *suckee suckee ul ul... suckee suckee ul ul... ulllllllllll... ulllllll...*

 

by eggsforknockers
10-08-14
You know why I've called you into my office, right?
Because I stole the petty cash?
You did that you wannabe Big Mac Slinger bossman? No, that's not why.
Because you wanted me to bristle job your gluteal cleft?
Maybe later. Listen, when you guys beat up on Chen, don't be ripping his clothes and bloodying up his face... well, at least not as much as you have been, okay?
*Whew!* Dude.No problem! I thought you called me in over something bad!

 

by eggsforknockers
10-08-14
One more thing while I refresh my coffee. What was the scuffle with Chen about?
I thought you'd never ask! He was trying to shit next to the toilet!
Did you say "Sit next to the toilet"?
No sir! Shit next to the toilet.
Who the hell does he think he is? Tthat's where I shit so others will smell my dominance!
Not to mention seeing it.

 

by eggsforknockers
10-08-14
So let me get this straight. You all beat up Chen when he tried to shit next to the toilet, in defense of my honor?
Yessir... plus he's a chink.
Right. But that's not even an issue. The issue is that you have grasped the core of my management theory... DOMINANCE BY SMELL.
I did?
I think you're ready for your own franchise. WHOA!!! Back up a minute! Are you saying you're not sure?
No no no no no no. I was just checking to make sure that you were sure. I'm sure!

 

by eggsforknockers
10-08-14
So... I need to know for real, just how sure you really are that you are ready to own a franchise and be a real Big Mac burger slinging bossman. Are you SURE???
Yes. I am sure... with sugar on top!
Sugar on top?
...how about 'Sweet N' Low'?

 

by eggsforknockers
10-09-14
THE APOLOGY & THE PROMISE
I'm sorry it spit in your mouth. I promise to never do it again.
No!
THE IMPLORING [BEGGING]
Pwetty pweeze?
No!
ADD A LITTLE SUGAR & VOILA!
Pwetty pweeze with special cweam on it?
Okay.

 

by eggsforknockers
10-09-14
Class, we're going to play a game called 'Cosmic Bodies'. Johnny, you'll be Jupiter.
That's cool. I'm Johnny Jupiter!
Let me think now... who will I be?
I know, I know!
Yes?
You could be a Big Black Ho who sucks all the penises in the universe into her big black mouth!

 

by eggsforknockers
10-09-14
Why don't you just call me a Black Hole?
Because it's widely known that Black Ho's already have Black Holes.
Plus it would be disrespectful to objectivize you by calling you a female body part.
Is it not disrespectful to call me a Black Ho?
No, because that means you're employed.

 

by eggsforknockers
3-19-15
You can shit right in front of 'em...
...and that's just for starters!

 

by eggsforknockers
3-19-15
Sheep have dead eyes... knock knock!!! Nobody home.
Short term and strictly physical.

 

by eggsforknockers
3-19-15
Arch that back motherfucker! Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Whew!!! That was fuckin' GREAT mama! You Africans is HOT!!! You speaky English?
I'll have you know I'm an American missionary, and I'm going to file charges agai...
Hell then, I apologize!!! It's not my fault fer thinkin' you was African!!!

 

by eggsforknockers
11-12-15
'sup bitch?
How old are you?
You're as old as you feel baby.
Is that right?
YO BITCH!!! 35 sound good???

 

by eggsforknockers
11-12-15
He remembers her terse rejection... "Is that right?"
Yeah that's right you fuckin' bitch!!!
Caught up in retrospection, he thinks of what he should have said...
You got no ass too you fuckin' cunt!!!
...then finishes her off with his 'A-bomb of Verbal Decimation'!!!
You may be blond, but look who's having fun NOW!!! *clonk clonk clonk... clonk clonk clonk!!!*

 

by eggsforknockers
11-12-15
Yo ass is so gaped I'm gon' fuck you widda' barber pole!
Your hole is so crusty, I'll (more than likely), have to smash my tongue repeatedly with a dead-blow hammer to generate enough saliva to wash away all the hairy wire-berries!
♫All night long.♫
Did you say ♫All night long♫???
uh oh!
Lionel?

Showing page 1.