All comics by fatguy0506

 

by fatguy0506
12-09-05
I just got this letter from the IRS.
What's it say?
It says, "Due to inflation, we are taking 3/4 of your income this year. We apologize if this causes you any inconvenience."
Well, I wouldn't think too much of it. The government hasn't been too reliable lately.
Of course, if I ignore it and not do as they say, they WILL start taking ALL of my income over the next couple of decades because of all the fees building up.
Or they'll show their mafia side and just shoot your ass.

 

by fatguy0506
12-09-05
BE AMAZED! I AM CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS!
OH LOOK! A CAT IN A TREE!

 

by fatguy0506
12-09-05
Young man, do you realize that by staring at that video game for hours and hours, you are destroying brain cells?
Yes, but it's fun.
It doesn't bother you that you are wasting your time killing the bad guy when you could be learning about the wonderful world that surrounds you?
Not in the least. I have no desire whatsoever to learn about what's really important in life. All I want to do is be desensitized to horrible murder, drug addiction, crime sprees, and sexual innuendo.
Bring in the next one. This one's good to go.

 

by fatguy0506
12-09-05
It's freakin cold out there.
Well come on baby. I'll warm you up.
BWAH HA HA
You could be in hell. Bundle up!

 

by fatguy0506
12-09-05
Tonight!
Robin Williams, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Bernie Mac, and George Carlin ...
are all performing elsewhere!

 

by fatguy0506
12-09-05
We really have a great show for you tonight.
However our original opening act suffered a terrible accident and unfortunately won't be able to go on tonight which of course put us in a really tight bind.
We were scrambling around just to find a replacement worth watching for you fine folks. Needless to say, the guy from the original act will undergo even more torture as he tries to find a new job.

 

by fatguy0506
12-10-05
Well folks, tonight we have a real treat for you. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr.
Why thank you so very much Ed.
We were originally going to have John Lennon on tonight, but he had to cancel.
Damn straight my man... Dat British dude gives me da heeby jeebies.
Arguably, British Beatle-Mania and Rock & Roll don't stand a chance next to Rat Pack, cigarette smokin', jive / soul / tap dancing... Arguably.
And away we go ... a-one, and a-two, and ... The Candy Mannnnnnnnnn....

 

by fatguy0506
12-10-05
I think I can ... I think I can ... I think I can.
Of course, the moral implications would be astounding. I'd make headline news.
Aw who am I kidding. I can't take that kind of publicity.
MOM! There's a wierd guy standing in our yard being indecisive.

 

by fatguy0506
12-10-05
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ordinarily, I'd tell you I'm a Jehovah's Witness. However, we've been having more success at doors opening if we say it's the FBI.
So which is it? Witness or Fed?
Actually, it's both. I'm a Jehovah's Witness working for the FBI. I've come to tell you that the government now expects you to follow my religion or we will incarcerate you.
I accept your challenge.

 

by fatguy0506
12-17-05
I'll give you 3 guesses what I've got in my pocket.
Lint.
That's right!
OK, you've got 2 left.

 

by fatguy0506
12-17-05
Can I get you another one Santa?
Yeah, better make it a double.
I got alot of stale cookies and warm milk to get through tonight.

 

by fatguy0506
12-17-05
Where's Tom?
He's in that alley over there writing graffiti.
Tell her Buon Giorno for me!

 

by fatguy0506
12-17-05
Ladies and gentlemen, here's Clarence the Clown.
Good luck being entertained by this guy.
Ummm.
Really you're a wonderful audience. You haven't thrown anything .... yet.

 

by fatguy0506
4-06-06
I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman.
I did everything I could to ensure that Iraq was turned into a democracy.
For the love of Allah, the hot dogs are $1.19 each ...
I only have $0.50 Can i get a half of one?

 

by fatguy0506
4-06-06
Well I'm all set to cross the road.
We are gathered here today, to pay tribute to a fowl whose life-long joke finally got the better of him ...

 

by fatguy0506
4-06-06
I SO hate home improvement.
But just think. When it's all done, you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Can't i just have the strawberries and whipped cream now?
Finish the house. Then we'll talk.

 

by fatguy0506
8-21-06
Yesterday I found some guy's foot in the alleyway behind my building.
So I got some prunning clippers and cut the toes off and stuck 'em in my freezer.
They'll make great practical joke ice cubes for when my friends stop by.

 

by fatguy0506
8-21-06
A couple days ago, my girlfriend got fired from her job, so I thought I'd try to cheer her up.
Now she's all mad at me. I just don't get it.
That chimp was alive and kickin' when I put it in her refrigerator.

 

by fatguy0506
8-21-06
I bought me one of those self-inflating navy life rafts from the surplus store.
It's pretty good, except the instruction manual left out the most important thing.
You definitely don't want to be inside of a phone booth when you pull that ripcord.

 

by fatguy0506
8-21-06
This is absurd. It's past 3 AM and I still don't feel the least bit sleepy.
SCREEEAGHK!!!
Apparently, neither does that dog-sized spider thing with the talking goat's head that I locked down in the basement earlier.

 

by fatguy0506
8-21-06
I am going to use my powers of persuasion to seduce you.
HUUNNGHGN!!!!
Oh look! I can see my reflection in your head.

 

by fatguy0506
8-27-06
A State Route 69 resident reported Wednesday that his 400-500 lb. bull had been lost.
Why is this guy guestimating the bull's weight? Does he thinks it's gonna show up at a weigh station with 10 of his buddies hoping to not be found out?
Better yet, how do you just LOSE 500 lbs. of beef?

 

by fatguy0506
8-27-06
A State Route 69 resident reported Wednesday that her boyfriend was laying on the floor when she returned home.
Did she check to see if he was alive before she called the police?
Or does she normally just call the cops when somebody lies on the floor? In any case we arrested her. The boyfriend was just drunk.

 

by fatguy0506
8-27-06
A State Route 69 resident report Wednesday she believes her brother is deceased.
It was later found out that her brother had in fact been dead for 12 years.
I'd say she made a good call.

 

by fatguy0506
8-27-06
My religion prohibits me from seeing doctors.
No kidding.
My health plan does the same thing.

 

by fatguy0506
8-27-06
I just got a new high-tech hearing aid. It's ten times better than my old one.
What kind is it?
It's about quarter to four.

 

by fatguy0506
9-08-06
Black
White
Up........................ Back................... Bottom............... Cold..................... Wet.....................
Down................... Front.................... Top....................... Hot....................... Dry.......................
Why do you even bother?
Technically I WAS communicating.

 

by fatguy0506
9-08-06
So I was seeing this psychologist for awhile. Helping me with my self worth.
And just when I was figuring out who I was, somebody stole my identity.

 

by fatguy0506
9-08-06
You know, when I get horny I start making all sorts of noises.
Barking, moans, pleas of mercy...
They threw me out of the church when the alter boy bent over to pick something up.

 

by fatguy0506
1-01-07
Hello and welcome to Uncle Pete's Discount Morgue.
We have all the corpses and black market parts you could possibly need for all your diabolical plans.
And if your feeling especially freaky, I'm sure we could arrange a more private meeting with the freshly dead blonde that just came in.

 

by fatguy0506
1-01-07
Well here we are on a deserted island.
Yes.
I love you. Will you bear my children?
You don't have anything to offer me. Now Shelton on the other hand, has a house, plenty of coconuts....
And I have a pointy proturberance!

 

by fatguy0506
7-03-08
I'm so sick of people treating me bad or looking down on me because I'm different.
Trust me, being different is not a bad thing. You're unique. If you don't mind me asking though, what makes you so different?
I'm attracted to pregnant women.
Get the fuck out, freak.

 

by fatguy0506
12-02-09
OK, Now where did I leave that report?
You do realize that your report could be anywhere. It would be like finding a needle in a haystack.
Oh, I'm pretty sure it's over here in this pile off screen. All of that behind you is what you're going to shred today.
Oh come on! Give me a real challenge!

 

by fatguy0506
12-02-09
I vant to suck yore blood!
Would you like some nuts with your drink?
Ummmmm ......... vhat kind?
And thus a great friendship was forged between the former lifelong enemies. Those stupid squirrels didn't need to procreate anyway. In return, Dracula replaced the missing park bench leg.

 

by fatguy0506
12-02-09
OK, We just need to enter some personal information for your online profile. What's your full name?
Animalia Chordata Mammalia Theria Eutheria Artiodactyla Suidae Suinae Sus Domestica. But you can call me Howard.
Wow ... OK. Alright. Now have you dated anyone seriously in the past three years?
No, not really. I find it very difficult to find real women who don't play mind games.
OK, well our program ranges from $1200 - $3000 a year. We ask that amount because we feel you would pay it if you were really serious about a commitment to this cause Howard.
On second thought, you can't call me Howard. Just wait til I get home and my mom hears about you con artists.

 

by fatguy0506
12-02-09
Well the zombies are here and you want to kill me as well, just with more conventional psychopathic means.
That is correct.
Would it make any difference if I told you I was attracted to you on a highly sexual level?
No. I've been told many times that the combination of the hockey mask, the ax and this gray knit pullover is very aestetic.
Well fine, be that way. Let me just step outside for a cigarette and then you can kill me.

 

by fatguy0506
7-29-17
What do you want to do at the fair?
See the demotion derby.
Oh, you mean the rides?

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