All comics by lildeucecoup

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by lildeucecoup
3-04-07
I know it's been hard since the family moved to this ranch, but I hope in time you'll realize that this is the best in the long run.
I really don't think this cattle ranch is the best for "my" family in the long run. You aren't my real father. My dad is an investment banker in long beach.
The fact of the matter is your mother and I love eachother. I hope you can realize that I'm not trying to be your real father.
You met my mother through Craigslist. She was selling old clothes and you came and bought them all.
And me and your mother fell in love, what's so wrong with that?
You don't even have a computer. How were you on Craigslist?

 

by lildeucecoup
3-04-07
Son, I've come to accept the fact that you have alot of anger towards me and I want you to know that I want us to be friends.
No, but can I use your secret computer? I'd like to check my Myspace.
I don't have a computer.
Then how did you meet my mother through Craigslist?
I used my work computer.
You work on this cattle ranch. You sure do have alot of secrets cowboy.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-04-07
You should know something about me. I wasn't always a rancher.
Really? Did you used to be something important?
I used to be a bean sprout farmer.
Bean sprout farmer?
Assistant bean sprout farmer. The farm was actually owned by my ex wife's father in-law.
So you were lame through nepotism to being lame all on your own? You're a winner.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-04-07
I can come to terms with you having no respect for my profession, but I hope you realize that I love your mother very much.
I love my mother as well.
Well, at least we have that much in common.
I love her, but I don't feel the need to take out loans in her name to start a cattle ranch with no cattle.
I really don't see what that has to do with anything.
That;s one of many problems.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-04-07
Look, I still have seven grand left over from the purchase of the ranch. IT's yours if you'll stop complaining all day.
Deal.
See, you're just as many hungry as I am.
So you're money hungry?
No. I was just saying is all--
I'm going to buy a robot and teach it to kill you.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-06-07
This robot looked alot bigger in the catlogue.
**Please enter command.**
Kill my step father.
**I'm sorry are you trying to request ring tones?**
No, I commanded you to kill my stepfather.
**Now downloading ring tone directory**

 

by lildeucecoup
3-06-07
The brochure said you could learn commands on the fly as I teach them to you.
**I can learn to download ringtones and also send email.**
Well, can I use you to send a complaint to the company?
**There is a five dollar service fee for all outgoing emails.**
**Would you like to download a HOT new ringtone while you wait?**

 

by lildeucecoup
3-06-07
Have you used that money to find something to amuse yourself?
I bought a robot in the hopes that I could teach it to kill you, but all it could do was download ring tones and send email.
Can I borrow your robot to send my mother a Happy Birthday email?
There's a five dollar service fee for sending any outgoing emails.
But...I gave you all my money.
And I spent it all on the dumb ass robot, what's your point?

 

by lildeucecoup
3-06-07
Sweetie, I heard you won't let your step dad use your new email robot to send an email to his mother for her birthday. That's not nice.
I told him there was a five dollar service fee and he got upset and ran away crying.
Isn't it rude to charge your father in-law five dollars just to play with your robot?
I wasn't charging him. It's a service fee from the company who manufactures the robot.
If you aren't going to share then you can't have a robot at all. The money for that robot came from my loans and I'm going to have to take it from you.
It's all yours.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-06-07
Now that I can finally use you without having to pay my ungrateful step-son, I'd like to email my mother please.
**There is a five dollar service fee for any outgoing emails.
What if I send her a letter and give her the email address and have her send me a message to you?
**There is a seven dollar service fee for any incoming emails.**
Were you able to email your mother for her birthday, my love?
Nah, that robot is bunk. I melted it down and smoked it out of an old has pipe I found in an old box of clothes I bought off Craigslist.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-24-07
What do you got there?
It's a coupon we got in the mail from that new tire place that just opened. Everything is on sale and these prices are amazing.
I think I'm gonna go take both our cars and get all new tires for summer time.
I haven't seen you this excited to save money since my mom's birthday.
I'm a stinker!

 

by lildeucecoup
3-24-07
According to mapquest the new tire store should be right here...
If I ask anyone for help finding it they'll think I'm some sort of yokell and my mojo will be tainted when I try to haggle down the price on those tires.
Fuck it. I'm gonna hit the strip club.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
Look man, I need the rent. You've been late every month with your rent and I'm fed up.
I'm really sorry Travis. Things have just been real rough lately.
You're a doctor man. How hard is it to come up with four hundred dollars a month?
Hey, the underground abortion market in this neighborhood isn't what it used to be buddy.
Yeah, I heard they finally caught that gang of roving rapists. Well, you get that money to me when you can.
Thanks alot buddy.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
Mom, the pumpkins looking at me again.
Snitch.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
If we're ever going to make it out of the Matrix alive I'm going to need your help.
What kind of help?
I need guns.
I've got guns.
I need drugs.
I got drugs.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
Well, looks like you've got everything we need to get out of the Matrix. Could you just wait quietly for me right there for a second?
Sure thing.
I wonder where she went?
You're under arrest for soliciting a prostitute.
I thought I was escaping the Matrix.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
Honey, dinner was delicious.
It was dead rat.
You know how much I love dead rat.
You love dead rat.
I love you.
I love you.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
Can I help you sir?
I'm here to see my grandmother.
What room is she in?
She died 12 years ago.
Will you marry me?

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
The only thing standing behind us getting all this work done is the sexual tension in this room.
What do you suggest?
Come on Nadine... You've noticed me admiring that rather plump bottom of yours for years.
What are you implying?
I want to fuck you in your ass.
I don't do anal.

 

by lildeucecoup
3-27-07
Hey buddy, you ever think maybe there's more to life than sitting on this bench?
No.
Well, I'm not sure, but I'm going to find out.
Good luck.
I'll miss him.

 

by lildeucecoup
4-01-07
I admit, it's a bit of a fixer uper, but she's a real sea bass.
Sturdy. Real sturdy.
I'll take it.
When can you move in?
I've been living here 15 years.

 

by lildeucecoup
4-01-07
That's a racist sign.
Can I get you a drink?
Choco-Cola please.
Racist cola.

 

by lildeucecoup
4-01-07
Look, I know I killed you and now you have to haunt me, I understand that, but I'm trying to get some sleep. It's my brother's wedding tomorrow and I'm best man.
OH really? I had no idea, wow, I just feel awful. Get some rest bro.
Thanks alot.

 

by lildeucecoup
4-01-07
Good night plant!
FEED ME!
Did I feed the plant?
FEED ME!
I feed you plant.
I'M STILL HUNGRY!

 

by lildeucecoup
4-01-07
You own that house?
I rent it.
How much you paying rent?
How bout you go fuck yourself.
How bout I pay your rent for the next 2 years and we go inside and I fuck you.
How bout you got yourself a deal.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-14-07
Hi! I'm Dan. I work in accounting. Are you Phil's son here to work for the summer?
I'm the demon spawn of a loveless union.
Hi! I'm Dan. I work in accounting. Are you Phil's son here to work for the summer?
Hi.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-14-07
Hey honey, do you know what I hate most about working in the accounting department at work?
Is it the miserable pay and insanely long hours?
Not at all.
Is it all the math?
Actually, it's that every night I have to come back home to you.
I packed you meatloaf for lunch.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Howdy neighbor! I've gotta ask where you bought that flesh colored body stocking.
I don't wanna talk about.
Not even a little?
My wife made it for me. She died.
Do you maybe have an extra one you could sell me?
Nah man.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
I'm Mrs. Brooks. I'm here for the parent teacher conference.
Your son is a bad kid!
Whoa... Thats pretty harsh right out of the box. Don't ya think?
Ma'am I have to tell you. Your son is very bad.
What exactly did my son do?
He was a very bad boy.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Can I help you?
You know where I can score some mushrooms?
Sir, I'm a mall cop. I can call the real cops and have you busted.
As a mall cop, would you know where I could score some boomers?
What does a 45 year old man need with shrooms anyway?
I use them to lure teens to my house to watch films.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Hey cuz, how you rocking?
Long and hard. How bout yourself?
I work hard, but I rock harder.
How's your dad?
Rockin'.
Rock and roll man.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
I know I'm not your real dad, but no fake son of mine runs off to join the military two weeks before Christmas!
I just bought these clothes from the army surplus store. I thought they were sort of neat.
Boy, I'm only gonna ask this and I'm gonna ask it real slow.
You some sort of homosexual?
No.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Mr. President, I'm from the future and I've travelled back in time to deliver you a super hero that will end this war in Iraq and make you look like a hero!
Send him in.
Sup?
What's your powers?
BAM!
Hehehehe... You got a turkey on your dong.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Mr. Head of the Military... I have a super hero from the future that is going to wipe out this Iraq war problem.
This is the first I've heard of any time travellers, send him in.
Sup bro!
How can you get us out of this problem in Iraq.
Is that a turkey on his penis or does he just have a deformed penis?

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Sup kangaroo?
Bam!
This is major kangaroo, I just shot a man wearing a chicken on his penis. You might wanna send the boys here to check it out for giggles.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
I gave you the super weapon to end this war in Iraq and you sent him to Arizona to fight some sort of kangaroo cult?
He died fighting for freedom.
Freedom of what?
Freedom to be a good Christian.
I'd rather be in the future with all the giant crabs than listen to anymore of this.
The future is a big doody head. Lets bomb it.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Mr. Head of the Military, I want all troops taken out of Iraq and sent to the future at once.
I don't want one men left in Iraq. We need to take out the future.
Ok.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Hi, I'm going door to door trying to sell cookies for my daughters girlscout troop...
If you're going door to door then what are you doing in my backyard?
I just noticed you standing here and I figuered I'd walk up to you instead of going to the door.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I have a wife inside who doesn't care about money and would buy as many cookies as you want?
Ummm... Do you have a wife inside who doesn't care about cookies and will buy all the cookies I want her too?
No.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
I keep all my recipes in these file cabinets. Everything you need to know is there.
When I die, you get to be head chef. You should be proud.
All you have to do is be my wife!
I always wanted to be a chef.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07
Evil Keneivel, what makes you think you deserve to be in heaven?
I jumped over the Grand Canyon on my motorbike.
No you didn't. You could even jump Snake River with a rocket car.
I got a pretty cool jump suit.
Oh Evil Kneivel. You're my sort of people. Welcome to heaven.
I'm planning on jumping the pearly gates.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-15-07

 

by lildeucecoup
5-16-07
We checked ever trailer in the park for a fire, but all we found was this one stray cat.
Nah, now I done heard zombies.
Were you biten?
Excuse me?
WERE YOU BITEN!

 

by lildeucecoup
5-16-07
Didn't I tell you to have all this paperwork filed by thursday?
I'm really not sure who you are.
I'm the king.
I don't work here. This is an art gallery. The artist has chosen to have random stacks of paper everywhere to prove that we are nowhere near being a paperless society.
Shouldn't you be filing this somewhere?
You're a silly head!

 

by lildeucecoup
5-16-07
Everyday they make coffee, but no one makes any tea?
Why don't you make tea.
Because I don't know what tea is Bruce!
Oh...
Do you know what tea is?
I do.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-16-07
Hey dad.
Hello son. Still not a pirate?
No. Not yet.
Shouldn't you have graduated from pirate school by now?
I've had some grade issues and going to school gives me anxiety attacks!
Throwing thousands of dollars away for you to go to pirate school gives me anxiety attacks.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-16-07
Hi there, I'm Bill. I have a daughter who goes to Winthrop High School over in Cedar county. My son plays soccer for an Italian pro league.
Sounds nice.
Now... would you care to tell me anything about my wife?
I'm not sure what you mean.
You've been fucking my wife for the last 6 months Tim. I've been following the two of you and now I'm going to kill you.
Whoa... I did not expect that. Could we talk this out for like 5 minutes?

 

by lildeucecoup
5-18-07
Sir, that toilet on the far right is so clogged that I'm afraid I'd rather pass on the job than even bother trying to fix it.
Is it impossible to fix?
Not impossible... It's just so stuffed full of shit and hair that I'd rather not bother.
I see.
Another plumber might fix that without complaint, but I'm afraid I'm just not the plumber for this job.
I'm starting to get a vibe that says you aren;t a very good plumber.

 

by lildeucecoup
5-18-07
Howdy there. Just coming to check on that backed up toilet. You get that fixed yet?
I'm working on it sir. The last plumber we had in here wasn't the most competent. It should be fixed shortly.
I'm not sure how to make this any clearer, but.... I need to take a shit.
You know... You could just use one of the other toilets.
I could use another toilet, just like you could find another job.
I'm willing to elt you shit in my mouth if it means I can keep this job. My wife... She's a bit of a whore.

 

Things sure have been rough around here since the queen invented direct mailing.
by lildeucecoup, 5-25-07

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