All comics by Ahsirakh

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by Ahsirakh
6-01-03
A case to end all cases...
Trinity was right...
I used to think being a private detective is cool.
There's nothing cool left to it now...
On top of that, both my fridge and my bank account are empty.
Life is colourful... I no longer am... how profound...

 

by Ahsirakh
6-01-03
But then the phone rang.
If this is another suspicious hospital, I'm out of this business forever.
Riiing!
How can hospitals be suspicious, anyway? Ahhh, the mysteries of life...
Riiing!
Wait, if this really IS a suspicious hospital, then I as good as put myself out of business!
Oh, darn it, pick me up already!!!

 

by Ahsirakh
6-01-03
Erm... hello?
Mr Ash. I have a job for you. No, I'm not asking you to check on my wife. I'm looking for a computer hacker. This hacker goes by the alias Trinity.
The caller attempts to be elusive...
Fine. And who are you working for?
I can't say.
... then he hits below the belt.
You can't say? Well call me back when you can say, that's not the way I do business.
I can fill both your fridge and bank account. NOW what do you say?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-01-03
This Trinity was well known in hacker circles. A real artist by the sound of it. Cops were always one step behind.
Might you happen to know a hacker by the name Trini-
7r1n1ty 15 l33t.
The question now is how I could get closer to him. But I had a few tricks up my sleeve for getting hackers.
Might you happen to know a hacker by the name Trini-
7r1n1ty r0x0r5.
While I was searching, I found something strange: Other detectives had been on the case too.
Might you happen to know a hacker by the name Trini-
why d0 y0u 4ll d3t3ct1v35 4lw4y5 45k 7h3 54m3 5ux0r5 th1ng?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-01-03
Their investigations had all been, shall we say, troubled. One of the detectives killed himself.
Let him RIP.
Another disappeared.
Another went crazy. Since the other detectives weren't... contactable, I paid a visit to this crazy one.
Life is colourful... I no longer am... how profound...
Now where have I heard that before?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-02-03
Trinity... doesn't exist, you know... he's not real... he's a... a figment... a Jabberwocky...
Erm, can you cut it with the ellipses?
And who am I? Who the hell am I?
Can you cut it with the question marks, too?
I mentioned he was crazy.
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
I am SO outta here.

 

by Ahsirakh
6-03-03
"Come to my arms, my beamish boy!"... where had I heard that reference before? I decided to play a little chess to find out...
How can you play against yourself, in any case?
Grrr... shut up, if I want to play let me!
Why chess? Well, I hoped it might help me relieve frustration...
How can I help you relieve frustration if you always lose to yourself when you win? Oh, and by the way, you just checkmated yourself. Again.
You're not helping...
But a quick check on the Internet sort of settled things... I wasn't getting anywhere with that phrase.
Searching for "come to my arms, beamish boy!"
816,553 results for Yahoo! Personals. Are you looking for male or female?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-04-03
Then I remembered. The nutter had mouthed the word "Jabberwocky".
Searching for "Jabberwocky".
816,553 results for "Come to my arms, my beamish boy!"
I thus began my search in the usual hacker hangouts for someone with an Alice in Wonderland M.O. It was in one of these that I picked up the trail, with a user by the alias Red Queen.
Red Queen. Can you meet me? I am looking for Trinity. I am told that Trinity is through the looking glass...
No... it is you who is through the looking glass...
Huh?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-05-03
I decided to cut straight to the chase.
How can I meet with you?
To find me, you'll have to jump the first of six brooks.
Huh?
I'll be there at 20:05. *logs off*
It was difficult to think like this. I needed to relieve some stress...
Checkmate. Again. (You never give up, do you?)
Note to self: get a new chessboard...

 

by Ahsirakh
6-05-03
While in an attempt to try out another stress-relieving remedy, our hero gets a sudden revelation!
Zzz... of course!
Crossing the second brook takes her to the woods. Alice jumps the first brook... then she boards a train...
And so the violent rush for 20:05 begins, when-- BANG.
Ouch. I knew I should have left the door open.

 

by Ahsirakh
6-06-03
And so began a race against time to the train station. But I couldn't help feeling that something was wrong...
No fart jokes please.
Screeeech.
Wait -- none of the cities in this region has a train station!
20:00. If Trinity wasn't at the train station, where could he possibly be...?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-06-03
20:02...
Jumping the first brook might have meant skipping it, so that means I have to cross the second brook...
20:04...
... which takes me to the woods. One minute left, I can get there in time...
20:06. You're late.
Oh great. She's picky... she?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-06-03
You made it. I'm quite impressed.
Flattery will get you everywhere...
I'm not here to flatter you, I'm here to save you.
So I run to a train station to find there isn't one, run all the way back to this woods, only to have you criticise me for my punctuality, and now you say you want to save me?
Erm... operator, I need a training program on CPR.
*thud*

 

by Ahsirakh
6-07-03
Trinity places a debugging machine on Ash's left eye.
Try to relax.
Erk... my eye!
Ash is outside of the comic frame... but don't worry, he'll be back.
Bugger off, bug!
Help... I'm dying...
You were bugged.
How did that thing even fit in my eye?!

 

by Ahsirakh
6-07-03
You've stepped to the edge of the looking glass...
So that means that eye exam I had wasn't a dream... They hired me as a way of getting to you, didn't they?
If that isn't obvious, I don't what is...
At least we'll be safe here... there can't be many people in these woods.
Trinity: "They are everywhere, Mr Ash. They could be anyone..."
What's... happening to me...

 

by Ahsirakh
6-07-03
Unbeknownst to our protagonists, something strange is happening at a nearby site of the woods...
Ugh... this feels...
... terrible...
... hope the new consignment of dark glasses arrives soon...

 

by Ahsirakh
6-08-03
Why do I have the feeling someone's behind me... ?
Eeek!!!

 

by Ahsirakh
6-08-03
Running several miles, they finally manage to lose the Agent...
I've gotten out of worse jams than this. I'm not going to let them get--
What's... happening to me...
Oh great...
Ugh... this feels... terrible...
Here we go again... they just had to make themselves insurance Agents, didn't they?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-08-03
Trinity quickly stops Ash from phasing into an Agent...
Oww...
Sorry. If I hadn't forcefully kicked you in the butt, you might have turned into an Agent.
I wish... I could go with you... you are very beaut- *ahem*
Oww...
Hey, wait till the One shows up before making an advance on me... (in other words, fat chance, dude.)

 

by Ahsirakh
6-08-03
Ha, caught up with- Eww! How hideous!
Do I really look that horrible?
I must go gouge my eyeballs out and sterilise them!
Perhaps I'll go home and check myself out in the looking glass...
A case to end all cases...
Trinity was right...

 

by Ahsirakh
6-12-03
Outside the "Heart of the City" hotel...
Oh great... not you!
Lieutenant, you were told specific orders. These orders were for your protection.
Ha ha! I think we'll be able to handle one little girl. I sent two units! They're bringing her down.
No, Lieutenant, your men are already dead.
Well, in that case... you didn't park in the specified lot. I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Damn!

 

by Ahsirakh
6-12-03
"Heart of the City" hotel, room 303...
Freeze! Police! Hands over your head! Do it now!
So do I freeze, or do I put my hands over my head?!
Owww...
HIYA!!!
Freeze! Police! Hands over your head! Do it now!
Sigh... they never learn, do they?

 

by Ahsirakh
6-17-03
Tuesday, 17 Jun 2003. It is 10:40 pm.
I keep imagining you, Leonardo DiCaprio, Clay Aiken and Elijah Wood together.
Erm...
Please don't kill me! It's just a joke!
You better hope my memory's as bad as I think it is...
No, please! *gulp*
... or I'm going to smash your hand up the orifice you use for excretion.

 

by Ahsirakh
6-17-03
Wednesday, 18 Jun 2003. 12:15 am.
Time to... *yawn* ... get some sleep... first I must turn off the computer...
Running...
12:16 am.
*Thunk*
Running...
12:30 am.
Zzz...
Still running...

 

by Ahsirakh
6-19-03
Morpheus, the line was traced, I don't know how...
I know.
Yes, I know the phone's supposed to have a phone wire. Just pretend you can't see it in the dark, okay?
Are there Agents?
Yes.
Damn it!
I didn't even say that they cut the hardline, stupid! Pick up the darned phone and get your ass outta there!

 

by Ahsirakh
6-25-03
Meanwhile...
Wake up, Neo... The Matrix has you... Follow the white rabbit...
What the?
We decided to ditch sublimal messaging.
Erm... are you trying to tell me something?
There, we knew communicating via your computer wouldnt' work, you're too daft. Now follow me.
But you're grey!

 

by Ahsirakh
6-26-03
Neo is then led to a bar that hardly resembles a bar.
Hello, Neo. I'm Trinity, and I know why you're here. It is the question that drives us, Neo. You know the question.
I'm supposed to say "What is the Matrix?" about now, right?
Yes.
Okay... so, just what is the Matrix?
The answer out there, Neo.
Have you been watching way too much X-Files or something?

 

by Ahsirakh
7-17-03
Next day...
Mr Anderson?
Please tell me you're not an insurance agent.
The name is Smith.
Does your Granny like apples, then?
Damn, the new consignment of glasses still isn't in... I don't know anyone who'd want to be seen with this daft idiot...
Granny Smith? Apples? Geddit? Ha ha, geddit?

 

by Ahsirakh
7-17-03
What is the use of a phone call, Mr Anderson, if you're unable to speak?
Wouldn't a better question be to ask what a phone call is for if I don't even have Morpheus' phone number?
Squeezing into someone's belly-button ought to result in lots of spattered blood. But this is the Matrix, so we have all the artistic license we want. *squeezes into belly-button*
AHHHHHHH!!!!! Wait, why am I screaming when I am supposed to be unable to speak?
A *THUMP*, and Neo wakes up.
Owww... have you ever had a dream you were so sure was real?
Hey, that is Morpheus' line!

 

by Ahsirakh
7-17-03
Trinity places a debugging machine on Neo's belly-button.
What is this stomach clamp for, vasectomy?
Not just yet, fella. Just try and relax.
Now we'll insert a 360° bullet-time shot to put Trinity on the left...
Bugger off, bug!
You said the same thing in part 14 of A Detective Story!
Another 360° bullet-time shot to put Neo back on the left...
What did he mean by part 14 of A Detective Story?
The more plugs to your other comic series, the better. Geddit, rookie?

 

by Ahsirakh
8-17-03
Trinity leads Neo to an undisclosed location.
Hello, Neo. No doubt you've been looking for me.
Like, duh, the whole country's looking for you. Especially that George Bush.
If you think I'm Osama bin Laden, you're mistaken.
Great disguise, really.

 

by Ahsirakh
8-17-03
Whoops. The guy in the turban discloses the undisclosed location.
This is a US prison. If I'm Osama, George Bush would be parading the streets rattling maracas.
Oh yeah. Who are you then? Morpheus?
Yeees.
Whoa. Don't say "yes" like that. Anyway, you can't be Morpheus, he don't look like that on the news.
This is just my residual self image.
"Residual self image". Are you on drugs or something?

 

by Ahsirakh
8-17-03
Qwertypod comes before St. Peter.
I really like this good deed you performed.
Oh really? I think rather lowly of it.
I don't like that you performed this bad deed, though.
But I hold it in rather high esteem!
You're doing this just to spite me, are you not?
Not when you could lop my head off with that sword and remove my posting privileges.

 

by Ahsirakh
8-17-03
St. Peter visits some forum in his spare time...
Wonder what this suicide thread is about... hey! Someone just posted!
"Goodbye. Hopefully you'll like my sister's sense of humour better, because now I'm killing myself. I'm opting for stabbing myself to death with a blunt kitchen knife. Bye."
One hour later...
Hey! The same user posted again! I thought he said he killed himself?
"Hey! This is Thetrebsrock's sister. He told me this password and just stopped talking. He's dead."
*POOF!* Thetrebsrock comes before St. Peter.
WTF?! Your last words to anyone was your password?
I figured, like, since everyone there didn't like me, I might make them remorseful or something...

 

by Ahsirakh
8-18-03
Qwertypod gets recalled to the Gates.
Holy crap! I thought you said I was allowed in!
Yes, but you said "holy crap". That is an insult to the Holy One. Your right to re-enter Heaven is now being reviewed.
Holy crap! But it's just an expression!
I'd reply if I didn't have diarrhoea at the moment.
You have diarrhoea in Heaven? Wait, that means there IS holy cra--
Oh, shaddup. Drop it, alright?

 

by Ahsirakh
8-19-03
Quid?

 

by Ahsirakh
8-19-03
Thetrebsrock goes back to the Gates.
WTF? I thought I already let you in!
See, my sis, my friend and his sis are committing suicide also.
So... you're coming out here to meet them?
No, I want to go to Hell. That's where they're going.
Wouldn't you want to wait? They're going to be coming here first anyway.
Nah, I wanna try the broadband there. I'm sure it'll be better than 984 gigabytes per sec you have here.

 

by Ahsirakh
8-19-03
*POOF!*
Saaay, this place is way hotter than that Heaven place.
Literally.

 

by Ahsirakh
8-19-03
Hey, look! It's a little demon!
I'm no little demon, you twit.
Hey, look! It's a big demon!
I'm the same demon, you twit, I just walked a little closer. What the Hell are you doing here, anyway?
I'm here to book a computer with broadband.
I presume you're talking about that computer of ours that runs Windows ME with the "Ctrl", "Alt" and "Del" keys missing?

 

by Ahsirakh
8-19-03
You mean you only have one computer with broadband? What speed is it?
72 kilobits per sec.
That's faster than the 984 gigabytes per sec in Heaven, right?
LOL! Hahahaha...
... well?
Oh. I thought you were joking.

 

by Ahsirakh
8-24-03
Having tried "broadband" in Hell...
The connection speed totally sucked. Lemme go back to Heaven.
I can, for a price -- that you look like what you are.
Fine--
That's not funny.
Meh. My ambitions to make good comics dashed. (Wait, bad comics torment better.)

 

by Ahsirakh
8-24-03
Thetrebsrock comes before St. Peter... once again.
WTF? What're you doing back here?
The broadband in Hell sucked.
Sorry, you cannot enter Heaven a second time.
Wasn't planning to do that-- just wanted to warn my sis not to go there.
Erm. Too late.
So I was made to look like this for nothing?

 

by Ahsirakh
9-01-03
Sir Isaac Newton...
A-ha! Gravity exists!
Buddha...
A-ha! Nirvana exists!
Everyone else...
Who cares anyway?

 

by Ahsirakh
9-02-03
St. Peter entertains God.
And now it's time for some deep thoughts.
Really, Peter, do I have to be subjected to this?
What has only one immovable part, but is capable doing what an item with possibly millions of similar moving parts can do?
A sundial? And an hourglass?
The answer will come in time.
I've had it, Peter, away you go.

 

by Ahsirakh
9-06-03
Last we saw our heroes...
This is just my residual self image.
"Residual self image". Are you on drugs or something?
You know, we just wasted one panel saying that.
It's all the fault of At Pearly Gates series, that we have to recap.
Whatever you do, don't say déjà vu.
Why?

 

by Ahsirakh
9-06-03
Do you want to know what the Matrix is?
*nods*
Unfortunately, no one can tell you what the Matrix is.
I have to see it for myself?
No, I'm going to tell you what it is a few panels' later.
That's logical.

 

by Ahsirakh
9-06-03
You take the blue pill, you wake in bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
Ha, I knew you were on drugs!
You take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
I want the blue pill!
But it's not Viagr--
So whose bed do I wake in? Trinity's?

 

by Ahsirakh
9-07-03
I'm giving you a choice here, but you're not allowed to choose the blue pill.
The red pill, then. *chugs with beer*
... you stay in Wonderland ...
NOOOOO! Don't mix it with beer!
Mooorpheus? *hic*
Oh crap.
*THUMP*

 

by Ahsirakh
9-07-03
Red pill + beer = an Agent.
Oh crap.
May I help you, Agent Smith?
I'd like you to sexually pleasure me. Morpheus, please!
OK, what the hell have you done with Smith?
Just joking. You're under arrest for terrorism.

 

by Ahsirakh
9-07-03
Arrested for terrorism? But I'm not Osama, I'm Morpheus.
Fine, arrested for drug trafficking.
Screw you.
So you would pleasure me? Great!
Forget it. Just arrest me.
Damn.

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