All comics by AnonymousGreenTea

Profile

 

This is My Comic. At the current time, the plan is for this to be a parody/record of my life. From here on in, I will refer to myself as Anon. Enjoy.
I am The Best Friend, and will henceforth be know as Lilly.
I try to keep it less than complicated.
I am the current Love Interest, maybe. Im still in awkward territory, as you can see. I am called Cain.
I am a combination of Several Random People. I am called Etc.
From such humble and 'tarded beginnings...
I am the Parents, a common enemy.
More characters will be introduced as necessary. It may get a tad stupid, but hey, who'll notice?

 

Such consideration.
Hi, Mom and Dad, I just arrived home from a long and arduous day, and am emotionaly and physically tired.
Hey, daughter dear, Im going to use your car for a few days, and probably dick with all your things like your radio and whats laying around.
Such thoughtfulness.
Must...cooperate...cant get angry, or they will get mad and stupid...
Such a good girl you are. So sweet and kind.
And then...
I wonder if impotent anger ever killed anyone? Maybe I should worry about spontainious cumbustion.
Damn.

 

Hmmm... I have a few minutes to kill, should I read a good book, take a walk, acctually talk to another human being?
"Teenage Hookers Who Cant Commit", on the next Springer!!
How Pathetic.
_____________________
This Week, on 90210, the characters pretend to tackel a real-life issue! Oh, wait...

 

Self-esteem low enought to begin with, our heroin makes a decision.
I really like Cain... and I am painfully inactive and bored. I'll give him a call, and maybe he'll agree to spend time with me.
The conversation.
Umm, hi. I am being vulnerable and asking you to like me.
Sure. Why not. But, Im going to take a nap first. Call me back later.
This is how today's story ends. How pathetic.
Acctually, after I made you wait for a few hours, I decided that I dont feel well, or like talking to you. But, feel free to try again next week.
My life is useless and painful. Please, let me die.

 

Futility rymes with Friendship
Sometimes, I wish a rabid bunny would just leap out of the brush and tear out my eyes.
Anon, you looked displeased. I'll try to cheer you up.
Introducing Rice, a friend of Lilly's, who likes Anon because he has to.
Or maybe a small cat. A small cat could do the job.
I'll help, too, okay? I have nothing better to do.
Its the thought that counts.
Let's tease her about Cain. That'll lighten her up, I bet. If not, lets talk about people she doesnt know. Maybe that'll work.
Thats a good idea. I'll tell her my friend thinks she hates him. That always cheers me up.

 

The eerie timing is the ironic part.
School isnt so bad. If I can just ignore all the idiots and inbred freaks, I can make it through the day without commiting homicide.
In my last class, this bitch was like "Bein' pregnant sucks", and we were all just, like, lookin' at her and shit.
Its not even noon yet.
Is this really the average level of thought?
So I was all like, you want to, like, go to Prom with me? And he was all like, Only if you put out, and I was all like...
This is the part where Anon begins to envy the dead.
Why are these people allowed to breathe?
Oh, I get it. You hit the 'tab' key and it indents, right?

 

This is what happens when you have no friends:
Welcome to Hotmail. You Have: No New Messages.... (for the fifth time in an hour... reject.)
Too much time at the computer.
"All your base are belong to us!"
Sometimes these things are for the best.
Thats it. I'm going to sterilize you.

 

Rationalization is the downfall of humanity.
I have a project due tomorrow... I could stay up all night, and get it done...
Or, I could do it in another class tomorrow afternoon, and get some precious sleep now.
I could so have a 4.0 if I ever tried.
Welcome to Lowpass Comic Creator!
Why do I even bother posing these questions?

 

This is what I get for being a sarcastic bitch.
Both my best friend and another child who's opinion I genuinely respect are displeased with me beacuse they took my responces too seriously.
However, instead of telling me this, they both just make comic strips that concisely present thier angst.
Its not like we all dont need the social skill practice of acctually talking to eachother.
Of course, I am being the pinnical of hypocracy, just venting into this strip.
Please tell me, little phallic rabbit, would you please forgive me for being a drab sarcastic bitch? I really do appreciate your friendship and respect your opinion.
I dont know... I'll have to think about it some more, and maybe write a few more tragic and self-loathing comics.

 

Yes, I communicate telepathically with my computer when I soliloquize about how pathetic my life is. This is my strip, anyway. Deal.
Having the taste I do in people is so frustrating.
Why is that?
Every interesting person I ever meet either is too good for me and ignores me accordingly, or is otherwise occupied and has no time for me.
You dont mean people like Cain and bobo32 and fugabo, do you?
Even when I have total creative control, I get burned.
Well, yeah. And BunnyDog3, and balan, to name a few. Why?
For Christs sake, you're serious!? You do realize that when you die, Earth willl lose virtually all of its gravitational pull, don't you? Thats how much you suck.

 

Cynicism is a lifestyle.
Well, Lilly and fugobo have both forgiven me for being grating and evil, and I had a fun and productive day, for once.
Im in a good mood? Life is going well? Suddenly, I am paralyzed, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
As the director of the play you can still hardly believe you qualified for, I would like to say that you suck. Suck ass, in fact.
Though you would gladly hand me your own liver, I consider you an ancquaintance.
Thats more like what I expected.
Oh, and dont forget, You have to leave town and miss the weekend play practice and any fun you could have had to visit your as-good-as-dead Grandfather.

 

One problem with this particular form of communication is that it is extra limited.
There are only so many characters, and everyone assigns different personalities to this limited pool of icons.
Wait, who am I again? In this strip, Im the really attractive kid from your school, right?
Case in point. ...its like an identity crisis, but exponentialy on crack.

 

Every now and then, I have a resurgence of bitter hatred for life.
You know, your father enjoys those kinds of movies.
If there was a God, I would burst into flames right now.
Yes, she meant porn.
Daughter, dear, I want to talk to you. You know, somtimes long car trips can cause hemoroids.
Okay, bust into flames NOW!!
(see title)
You know how to treat hemoroids? Well, you...
Sweet, sweeeet death...

 
This is what happens when I make sense only to myself.
"Everywhere the same. Is always the same."

 

A one-page paper about the census was due yesterday. A three page paper about thinking/language/intelligence was due two days ago.
For three days, I have sat here in front of the computer, and thought really hard about doing these assignments.
Why I even continue to breathe is beyond me.

 

Well, Have fun. I love you. See you later tonight.
Time passes. Now, its about four and a half hours later.
Oh my dear God. Your report card came. Just you wait until your Father gets home.
a C+, three A's and one F.
You disgust me.
I agree.

 

Introducing Od. He's remarkably intelligent, but...
Hey, knock knock.
Who's there?
Unoriginal cow.
Unoriginal cow who?
...very special, by which I mean weird as fuck.
Moo.
Evolution works in mysterious ways.

 

I read fugabo's comics, and I am suddenly paralized. Should I weep, or laugh out loud?
You should weep.
...why?
Beacuse you like him, and you feel bad when he makes comics about hating life- primarliy because you know you probably cant help.
Oh, yeah.
Thats what I thought. Now, ask me how you feel about religion. This is fun.

 

(BunnyDog3): Even though I am brilliant and beautiful, I hate life. You can try to cheer me up, but it'll only work for a little while, then I'll hate life again.
(fugabo): I hate life and mock you attempts at friendship. Ha! Now I'll go make a comic about your failure to encourage me to be happy, and how much I hate life.
I wondwer what it would be like to have friends with moderate or even high self-esteem? I would probably just get confused.

 

My life is dumb and painful. Every now and then, its also down right stupid.
Is there anything I can do to ease my pain? Where could I turn for structure and guidence?
No, no, no! I said guidence and an easing of pain! Not gulit and bigotry and brainwashing!
Picky, picky. Sheesh.

 

I'm sitting here, anxious almost to the point of feeling physically sick. I would feel better if I so much as started my project for school...
Well, you know how you could solve your problem?
I would feel better if I told myself that I'd do it later tonight, or that I'd do it at play practice, or I could leap in front of a train...
*sigh*
Or, I could put it off even longer, and end up making my partner do it.
At this point, I think that your most efficient option would be death.

 

Hmm.. Here I sit in my composition class. In stead of doing anything productive, I think I'll dick around on the 'net for a while.
Lets see what bob32 and fugabo have to say...read...today.
Lowpass Comic Strip Creator
Giant waves...of sarcasm...angst...and cynicism..melting..brain cells...
***toxic waves of hatred of life and people in general***

 

I skipped my study hall, and now I have twenty minutes to kill before lunch. I think I'll illeagaly get on the net in the school library.
You are pretty damn pathetic.
It gets even worse.
Lowpass Comic Strip Creator.
Damn. Well, its not like this comes as a surprise.
Okay, thats it. I'm an undecover officer for the Stupidity Police. You are under arrest. You have the right to suck.

 

What fills my freetime, seeing as how I have no life: cynical philosophical conversations with the telivision.
There are some things money cant buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
What exactly cant money buy? It sure as hell buys happiness, comfort, friends, lovers, all the worthless crap that any comercialistic consumer could ever want...
Well...
Need... life...
Money cant buy... umm... it cant... Hey, why should I waste time explaining it to you? You're broke! You're just bitter.

 

When I'm at school, I need to rememebr that I have to censor my comments.
People are so stupid. I hate everyone. I'm going to kill them all.
Must act like a teacher. Must pretend to be an athority figure...
What?! Are you talking?
...by which I mean.... I'm going to HUG everyone. Thats it... Really, Im not dangerous. Go away.
If faculty members actually listened to us, their ears would bleed. Thats what I get for being a cynical whore.
Lets go on a killing spree. ...By which I mean... a freindship-athon. Yeah...
I agree. Lets shoot all the stupid people. By which I mean... shoot all of them.

 

Sweet, merciful crap. bobo32, fugobo and BunnyDog3 had a giant comic-fest, and I missed the whole thing.
Yep. You were probably asleep, you pathetic excuse for a teenager.
Why do I feel envy? Its all so pointless and stupid. Why do I care?
Because you hate being left out, and you wish you could have fun like this with interesting people, instead of being a worthless dweeb.
Oh, yeah.
Damn straight. And this is the best comeback you can think of? Your computer insulting you? You make me sick, you waste of space.

 
Way to give in to peer pressure, you stupid bitch.
Christ, youre pathetic. Die soon.

 

Eh. Progress is progress.
I'm having conversations consisting totally of comics with friend-of-a-friends that only like me because they have to, and/or they havent met me.
You just hit a new low.
In another front, however-
On the other hand, I just spent the afternoon with Cain and Lt. Nurd. We roasted marshmallows in a public park in the middle of the afternoon. That was fantastically fun.
Did you even recognize the sun, you freakish cave-rat?
So, maybe the actual human contact of my good friend and the guy I have a crush on kind of evens out the fact that I came straight home to talk to my computer afterwards?
If I had the capacity to laugh, I would do so until my brain started to bleed. Go take a nap before you hurt yourself.

 

I hate life. No one appreciates me. All my friends are losers who hate me. Life bites my ass. Fuck fuckity fuck-fuck-fuck.
You do realize that you are a goddess, right? Eveyone who counts thinks you are the epitome of eveything fantastic.
Shut up.

 

The morning after Pr0m:
So, dear, how did your evening go?
Well, after the actual dance and a freakish debacle at Post Pr0m, I went to a stanky basement, had a few drinks, and played Twister for hours with another girl and two guys. It got dirty real fast.
Fine. It was all very wholesome and pure.
Good. As long as you had fun.

 
I am so sorry that you had to spend time with the glitter-spewing freak.

 

Alaka-
-zam!
There. Happy now? God... so picky.

 

"We're voting you off the island of patheticness."
I am impressed by the wit of others, and simultaneously nauseated by my own dumbassitude.
I would give my soul for some social skill. Damn.

 

Oh, the glory of sharing a brainstem: simultaneous 'tardedness.
Let's have a friendship-athon.
Let's have a friendship-athon.
Yay for synonymosity.
Hell yeah.

 

Consarnit. bobo32 and BunnyDog3 had another comic-fest, and again I was left out. However, so was fugabo, yet we both were in the conversation.
Hmm.. more feelings of jealousy. Well, that's stupid.
I should have just given him my soul. Its not like I ever use it anyway.
At least you werent asleep this time. However, you are still a monumental loser. I recomend death.

 

Okay... You're bobo32 for now, right?
Okay.
Well, how come you want the S&M Penguin to be a bitch and thus express her friendship, but you merely try to steal my soul?
Now the question I have to pose myself is: Why do I care?
Look, twenty identical hypothetical situations. ...I have to go.

 

It all begins with an admirable goal...
You know what the world needs? A physical record of my existance.
Maybe I'll write a timeless novel or poem, or maybe create something beautiful, or-
Wait a moment, whats this? "Dear Anon, please note that you were created with a deficit of skill. Not only will you amount to nothing,
but you will in fact detract from the world's worth by simply being alive. Dont try to change your fate. You will only suffer excess pain.
...and ends with a crypic warning and some self-loathing.
Signed, The Cosmos."
Well, that was certainly a tad more vicious than necessary... but not unexpected.

 

Youre bobo32 for now.
Look, I only invited BunnyDog3 to be my friend because she's better than you. You dont need to put in any effort on that front.
In fact, maybe it would be best right now if you just choked on something.
This ended up much harsher than intended. Please dont hate me.
Well, would you mind terribly if I just sat down here and cried for a while?
As long as you dont make too much noise. I have to make a few more strips about fugabo being an asshole.

 

School is coming to an end soon.
Pretty quick here I am going to have to feign being an acctual productive human being.
Speaking as a messenger from God, I'd like to say: Good fucking luck, jackass.
*sigh*

 

As bobo32, I am under the impression that I acctually injured your feelings. I would like to appologise to you by offering casual sex.
I dont accept your apology simply because I was never really that offended. Its hard for teasing to have the desired effect in this medium.
Oh. Well, I guess thats okay then. I'll just go make some more self-loathing comics. 'Bye.
'Bye. Have fun... I guess.
So. You and I are going to get it on now?
Hell yeah. Right after I delvelope the pictures of the rotting fish corpse.

 

I think its time for sleepage and probably tensing lots of muscles until it hurts because i'm angry and i can't scream.
You realize whats going to happen now, right? Im going to pay attention to you and tell you that I care and think you are great wonderful cool, and you'll blow me off and be pissy some more.
Fuck. Youd think people would know that when I ask for love and the like that I would rather they leave me alone.
That worked out better than I had hoped. ...Damn.

 

The GlitterSpewingFreak has cornered Anon once again.
*spew spew spew*
Maybe if I feign death...
* spew SPEWWW*
Okay, I am holding active conversations with several other people, yet she continues to cling, tick-like, to me, and talk endlessly at me.
Sadly, this panal is to remain only a day dream.
Augh!
Ahhh.. Sweet silence.

 

So, Cain, maybe you might think about paying attention to me someday?
I hate my life.

 

Well, daughter dear, I know how tired you are after the play, and how you havent seen your friends in weeks, but you have three hours of chores to do today.
Of course, there's more.
Also, I want to sit you down and talk at you for extened periods of time about your grades in your math classes. They could jepordize you future, you know.
I have missed you over the past few weeks- I've been distracted. I would give my soul to fly away with you into the dim afternoon, but, apparently, its already in bondage.
Are you insinuating I know anything about bondage?

 

I come here for solice from the 'terdedness of reality, expecting to find comforting piles of cynicism and hatered.
Instead I find nothing. I wonder if my friends all grew lives, and did something other than make comics all weekend?
Aha haha hahah ha!
Haha hahahah! Oh, thats the best one I've heard in a while. *snif* HAhaha!

 

'Brain Death...Casual Sex'
I must admit that I have absolutly no response to that.
Do you think it is even possible to convey truth about the GlitterSpewingFreak in strips?
Only if the icon library expands to include pictures of Black Plague victims.

 

'Brain Death...Casual Sex'
I must admit that I have absolutly no response to that.
Do you think it is even possible to convey truth about the GlitterSpewingFreak in strips?
Only if the icon library expands to include pictures of Black Plague victims.

 

Hypothetical situation...
Casual sex?
..acctual event.
Damn.

 

In retrospect, perhaps I need to be more clear. In the preceeding strip, bobo32 fled the female offering casual sex.
My choice of female character had nothing to do with it. Her apperence was not was caused him to run screaming into the night.
Thats what I get for trying to explain the joke: it dies a painful death.
The point was that..if anyone acctually.. He would just...Oh, never mind. Just leave me alone.

 

After I decided that I should drive your car today, and informed you of this just before you left for school, I noticed that it smells bad. In fact, I think someone threw up in your car.
So in responce, you yell at me until I wake up from my nap, and chase me to a car wash.
At the car wash.
You know, the car wash is a good place to meet nice kids. Kids who take care of their cars are responsible. Not like you.
Jesus, Mom, you know I'm a good kid. Besides, I would have a much better alibi if I had something to lie about. Plus, I would clean it up much better.
I dont care. I am going to tell you I believe you, and patronize you all afternoon.
Fine, Mom. How about I go smoke a cigarette just to spite you and live up to your expectations of me being a deviant at the same time?

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