All comics by Moturd

Profile

 

by Moturd
4-12-16
I'm getting married again!
Congratulations
She'll be wife number five!
Let me be the first to express my sympathies. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
But I'm not divorced yet!
Oh right. I'll set a reminder on my calendar... say, 30 days out?

 

by Moturd
7-16-16
Did you get that server fixed that I asked about a month ago?
I'm overnighting a part.
That's great. You are really on the ball, Jerf.
So I hear you are taking a cruise to the Bahamas next week.
Yes. I'm having myself overnighted.

 

by Moturd
7-16-16
Teaching your dog to fetch?
No. To sit.
Oh. Then what's the stick for?
To beat him with afterward
You work in management, don't you?

 

by Moturd
12-18-16
Why Jayna never...
Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Form of a water puddle!
Wonder Twin Powers Activate!
...ever...
Gleek! Where's the bucket? I'm draining into the storm sewer!
Shape of a monkey!
turned into a monkey...
Giggity Giggity Goo! I'm gonna put my banana all up inside of you!
No Gleek, No!

 

by Moturd
12-18-16
Dispatch, this is Adam-12 going code 7, over.
What say you to Krispy Kreme for lunch, Officer Fozzy?
Is that a rhetorical question?
Adam-12, this is Dispatch, acknowledged, out.
That police car is really riding my bumper in this no passing zone
Should we pull over?
GET THE HELL OUT THE WAY, WOMAN, DEM DONUTS AIN'T GONNA EAT THEM SELVES!

 

by Moturd
12-18-16
I thought you all disappeared millions of years ago.
Not really. We just assimilated.
See how the top hat makes me blend in?

 

by Moturd
12-18-16
Why do you think you're so much better than me?
We both have wings. We both carry a weapon.
My existence is validated by holy scripture while you exist only in fairy tale stories.

 

by Moturd
12-18-16
Kill Bill!
That movie sucked. Tarantino should have stopped at Pulp Fiction. Everything after merely highlights the fact that he panders to targeted audiences with PC revisionist feel-good revenge fantasies.
All the way to the bank, Bruh

 

by Moturd
12-18-16
I love the way you hold a sign all day that says "Hungry and Homeless, Anything Helps, God Bless"
And then spend $12 a day on cigarettes
Pshhh! please Bish, I made 6 figures last year from pan handling

 

by Moturd
12-18-16
I think you'd like my friends if you'd just get to know them
You know I'm not good in social situations!
So I'm supposed to just stay in and do nothing because you don't like to go out?

 

by Moturd
1-04-17
Hey aren't you dudes supposed to be carrying presents into the house?
But that greench was so smart and so slick, he thought up a lie and thought it up quick...
This one isn't wrapped correctly. I'll take it to my workshop to fix it and bring it right back.
I don't know. That doesn't really sound right to me.
Plus Ms. Who had a few too many tonight. She's just lying there in bed waiting for somebody to come in and stuff the tree up.
Have a good one green dude! I'm gonna go see if Ms. Who needs anything right now.

 

by Moturd
1-04-17
Jerf gets a rush project
Jerf, I need this project completed asap and I've only got a budget of $30k
I need $50k
and haggles for funding
I can go $60k
That's not enough. You need to dip into your contingency money.
...with the master
Okay Hotshot, you've got a blank check.
That's still not enough. I'll need two blank checks.

 

by Moturd
1-04-17
Another day, another project
The executive team says to upgrade our storage area network
Here's a blank check

Will that be enough?
Not if they want it done right!

 

by Moturd
1-04-17
Jym, I need you to be more engaged
I am engaged. The sixth time is a charm
Well congratulations
Just don't mention it around my current wife

 

by Moturd
1-04-17
How do you know about so much stuff?
They do say I'm a rennaissance man
Who says that, the voices in your head?
They count!

 

by Moturd
1-04-17
Jym, it's vital that we build a monorail from the parking lot to the employee entrance.
Are you sure that's necessary, Jerf?
Jym, don't make me use my bromantic charm.
Okay, okay, But it's not in the budget.
Contingency money
okay

 

by Moturd
1-08-17
Jesse I still need another $737,000
Wanna cook, Mr. White?
That's too small time. I say we open a bank and make questionable loans, creating currency from thin air just by typing numbers in a computer.

 

by Moturd
1-08-17
What the hell? 23 and Me says my DNA is 1.8% African origin.
SOMEONE GRAB A ROPE! LET'S STRING THIS NEGRO UP!
...and 2.4% Neanderthal !
You wanna grab a beer later? And did I mention my sister is single?

 

by Moturd
1-08-17
Quang, you have to learn to stick up for yourself
I don't have an initimidating name like you do... ERASER!
Maybe I should be talking to your dad. If he had worn a rubber on the tip of his shaft like I do...
When I was little the other kids thought I looked like Bruce Lee. Now they think I'm about to break into a gangnum style dance off.
...this whole embarrassment could have been avoided
If only Bruce were still around. That one celebrity death changed my whole life.

 

by Moturd
1-08-17
Oh my God!
If I had only...
Wait, what was I just thinking about?

 

by Moturd
1-08-17
I would like to delete my old comics. Just the shitty ones, of course.
Hells nah. Donate first.
It's not like I'm asking for $15 a month
But I have larva to support!

 

by Moturd
1-08-17
Though only a first generation immigrant, Vladimir never felt prouder than the day he joined the Justice League of America...
and saved his newly adopted country from ISIS
Blah blah blah
I swear to Allah, I think I had sex with this guy before I got radicalized

 

by Moturd
1-16-17
Has there been even one alien joke since the Eighties that didn't involve anal probing?
It does seem a bit unfair. How would a rumor like that get started in the first place?
I'm not into that whole anal thing. Call me a boy scout if you must...
Maybe it's a common erotic fantasy of repressed homesexuals expressed during lucid dreaming
but implanting my eggs straight into the thorax through an ear drum is plenty adventurous for me

 

by Moturd
1-16-17
Blorb, when you first abducted me you were so tender and caring. I thought I would cry when you asked me to be your husband and live with you on your homeworld.
But we need to talk. I feel like lately you just don't pay any attention to me. You don't come to bed until after I'm asleep. You never tell me where you're at or when you'll be home.
Can you shut your mouth for like 5 zurms? if my team makes this zonk they advance to the finals!
Would you like me to make you another plate of nachos?

 

by Moturd
1-16-17
Don't do it
Do it! Screw her brains out!
Just imagine if it were your sister or daughter passed out drunk
Don't listen to that homo. Look at those gozongas. You'll never get a better chance!
Remember the Golden Rule
She won't even remember it. She'll think God knocked her up through immaculate conception.

 

by Moturd
1-22-17
We will keep burning and looting to show Trump he can't just subvert the will of the people
Hillary said before the election that it was fair and free and that everyone should just accept whatever the result was
Yeah but that was when we expected to win. Now we see the corruption inherent in the system
And yet nothing has changed except your sudden realization that just because the liberal media says it, that doesn't make it so
I'm rioting because I want my opinion to count!
That's sort of what the election was for

 

by Moturd
1-22-17
And how can you say that the media was unfair to Trump? WaPo, CNN, The Atlantic, New York Times, Politico, they can't brainwash people. Ultimately everyone makes up his own mind.
Yet I am supposed to believe that some "Fake News" clickbait that only idiots thought was real influenced the outcome
That's the problem! All the idiots thought it was real. Trump got the whole idiot voting bloc!
You're saying half the country are idiots?
No but add them to the racists and the misogynists and disenfranchised Bernie Sanders supporters and it gave him all the electoral votes he needed!
Okay you got me there. I would have voted for Bernie

 

by Moturd
1-23-17
Green card aliens who want immigration quotas raised
Your name is Don! You have small hands!
You should let anyone come on your lands!
Clinton supporters trying to turn the Hillary for Prison meme around
We can't stop! we won't stop!
Till Donald Trumps in a cell block!
Black Americans embarrassed by other groups' crappy chants
Peace, I'm out! Homegirl gimme a ride back to Philly?
I would but someone set fire to my Range Rover

 

by Moturd
1-23-17
This thing all things devours: Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; Gnaws iron, bites steel; Grinds hard stones to meal; Slays king, ruins town, And beats high mountain down.
5 minutes later...
The Baggins looks tasty, it does
TIME, I need TIME! You must give me more TIME!
Okay, you can have five more minutes then
Damn, this riddle is hard!

 

by Moturd
1-24-17
I know my profile says I'm divorced but it actually isn't final yet
s'okay
I have 4 kids. The oldest is graduating this year and the youngest one is 18 months. Do you like kids?
Mmhmm... I love kids
Taste like chicken

 

by Moturd
1-25-17
The North Atlantic in 1912
Well that was the last life boat
Knowing we have but a short time to live is there anything you'd like to confess?
I confess I've always wondered what gay butt sex would be like
Then you've committed a grave sin, even if just in your mind. Let us kneel and pray together for your forgiveness and salvation.
So you weren't making a pass at me just now?
There is still time to rebuke those unclean thoughts and accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
Captain Kirk always seemed to have romantic relations with female guest characters
Scotty, divert all shield power to the transporter and get me the fuck out of here, NOW!
There's not enough Romulan brandy in the galaxy...

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
Mr. President, you are embarrassing your political rivals by keeping your promises
I know. That's what makes it so satisfying
But normally inside the beltway we just make promises, we don't actually keep them
It's kind of a tradition around here

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
I *gasp* *wheeze**gasp* *wheeze* FORGOT *gasp* *wheeze*
MY *gasp* *wheeze* LINE *gasp* *wheeze*
I can't do this anymore
Stevie you're fired. GTFO!
WTF! Mom said I was up for an Emmy!

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
You career politicians have been doing it all wrong. You don't break promises to your constituents
No?
You build up a reputation of honesty and integrity
Ok
Then you can tell a lie so big that not even your enemies question it

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
In a 'very major reorganization' to reduce conflicts of interest, Donald Trump's sons will take over his business empire even renaming Trump Tower
In typical Trump fashion they will save money by not buying a new sign but instead just rearrange the lettering to "Wet Rump Rot"
In keeping with their new policy of glasnost, the sons say that the new name better reflects the organization under their tutelage

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
The 21st Century Library
Welcome! I'm Clippy, your virtual assistant. You can access all our services virtually through your Oculus Rift headset.
Is there a physical building anymore?
Yes, indeed. Come visit us at our downtown location near the square.
Oh I know that place! Right by the fire station. But I always thought it was a mental hospital.
That one is our administration offices. The library is one block over.
Oh! You mean the homeless shelter.

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
Hello Donald. It is good to finally speak. Congratulations on your inauguration.
Hello Vladimir. Thank you. I hope we have a great relationship. I am going to represent the American people. It's all about our very great people.
We could have very close relations if you will lift your sanctions despite the presence of our troops in Finland.
I think you meant to say Ukraine there
Yes, yes, of course, Ukraine. But maybe Finland too, if it were to happen. After all, what is a few hundred thousand square kilometers between friends?

 

by Moturd
1-28-17
Stand back! I'll save you!
Who are you?
I work with the Justice League of America. I haven't actually come up with a name yet.
I was going to go with Batman but wouldn't you know it, some S.O.B. who can't even turn into a bat already took that one!

 

by Moturd
1-29-17
No one smokes anymore except a few old dinosaurs
Eh, you young punks just don't appreciate how cool and sophisticated smoking is
and when the last of them die from lung cancer
Here, take a drag. You'll like it.
then those of us who partake in vaping, smart pills, ecstasy, and energy drink, will rule the world
It's toasted.

 

by Moturd
1-29-17
There have been reports from all over the country that about 1% of Chinese made toys imported since Christmas have been exploding, maiming and killing innocent children
Executive Order 13772
In response to these troubling reports, I am temporarily banning all battery powered toys made in China until this problem is resolved
Liberals Everywhere Protest
He have no right! Not all toy blow up. Only few kids killed. This not right!
It's like Nazi Germany all over again. Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

 

by Moturd
1-31-17
William, for your birthday your mother and I want to give you this Chinese made battery powered toy. It was the last one on the shelf because of Trump's idiotic ban
But father...
Come on son, we need to prove to all the uneducated racist bigots that the Chinese toy makers mean us no harm
I'm scared
Don't be afraid, Willy Boy. Push that on switch right there and revel in the fun that can only come from offshoring and globalization

 

by Moturd
1-31-17
Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, here at our place of worship we want to memorialize William as the brave little boy he was
William loved Chinese toys and Chinese toy makers
William wanted everyone to know that we have nothing to fear from Chinese made battery powered toys
He asked us to drive to Washington D.C. and protest against Trump's executive order banning them
It was his dying wish
I'll never forget his last words, "Stop Trump at any cost Mommy"

 

by Moturd
2-02-17
Mr. President can you explain why you called this press conference?
Our investigation reveals that the toys that are blowing up may be caused by some Chinese following the teachings in an electronics textbook written in Korean
Since all those asian languages look like a bunch of chicken scratches we think they may not be able to tell the difference
So you believe they are misinterpreting the Korean?
A goofy little squiggle in one language may mean something completely different in another

 

by Moturd
2-02-17
Hi William. I'm your guardian angel. Welcome to Heaven
Is it true that all my questions will be answered?
In bits and pieces, so as to not overload your psyche, yes
Ok, so why am I not in a hundred pieces after being blown up?
It's just a courtesy really. We make you appear the way you last remember yourself
Can you make me look like Naruto?

 

by Moturd
2-02-17
Tell me something else, something that will surprise me
Well... okay
[Blink]
Wait. What just happened?
This is my true form and this is what Heaven really looks like
Seriously? So all the jews, christians, and moslems fighting with each other...
They're going to need a few more reincarnations before they find enlightenment.

 

by Moturd
2-03-17
Now that you understand that Buddhism is the true religion and Buddha is the real god, how about signing this release form so we can break your soul out of that tired old birth, death, rebirth cycle?
Wait a minute... Buddhists don't believe in gods nor in the concept of the soul. Buddhism isn't really even a religion. It's more of a philosophy.
[Blink]
Okay smart guy, I'm gonna level with you. You're here because your father didn't get you baptised. I don't even need the contract. I just wanted something to put in your empty file.

 

by Moturd
2-03-17
I really don't need a contract. I was just trying to be a nice guy. Thought you might want to enjoy a cookie once a week or something.
So just because a priest didn't cast a magic spell over me as an infant I'm consigned to Hell?
Exactly! You were up for grabs. So I grabbed you.
That's absurd. I call bullshit!
[Blink]
You passed the test Billy! Now we can be best friends forever and ever!
Next!

 

by Moturd
2-03-17
[Blink]
[Blink]
[Blink]

 

by Moturd
2-03-17
[Blink]
Nah I was just fucking with you. This is the real deal.
I figured. Tell me something else that will surprise me.
Okay. That dick you thought was your dad. Not your dad at all. You were conceived at a swingers meetup after your mom had too many jello shots. Everybody got some that night
Even God and I don't know who your father is. Seriously, who can keep track of 400 million sperm all swimming around together?

Showing page 1.

Next »