All comics by chaobell

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by chaobell
1-09-02
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening,...uh...
...

 

by chaobell
1-09-02
o/~ Nobody knooooows the trouble I've seeeeen / Nobody knoooooows my sorrow... o/~
o/~ Nobody knows how much it sucks to be typecast in every H anime known to man as 'That Tentacle That Goes Up That Chick's Bazoo'...o/~
..............sorry.
...dude.

 

by chaobell
1-10-02
Take me to your leader.
How about your mom?
Tell your mom to stop calling me.
I hate you.

 

by chaobell
9-27-02
I need to talk to a tech, please.
Sure thing. What can I do for you?
...I need to speak to a /tech./
Ma'am, I /am/ a tech. What can I do for you?
.......look, I don't have time for this.
Well, that makes two of us.

 

by chaobell
9-27-02
Look, Sarah...I know that customer was sort of rude, and I think you handled her very well.
No. Bitching about the deposit is "sort of rude." Making very specific assumptions about my sex life sort of goes beyond that.
...well, okay, she was /really/ rude. And as proud as I am of you for not just strangling her on the spot...
Huh?
...I don't think rigging her power switch to electrocute her is going to be good for business, okay?
I'm doing the gene pool a favor. Now hand me that soldering iron.

 

by chaobell
9-27-02
Well, it's about time. And I hope you took all that filth off the Internet this time.
Oh, yes. We scoured the entire Internet and personally removed everything even remotely offensive. In fact, go ahead and turn your computer on so you can see for yourself...
Oh, you'd better believe I--AAAAACK
Damn it, Sarah! Next time you decide to reduce a customer to a smoking hole in the ground, could you at least let her PAY first!?
Heh. Sorry.

 

by chaobell
9-27-02
Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I need to ask you a few questions.
Okay.
Did you wait on a Mrs. Eggntater a few days ago?
Eggntater....name rings a bell, yes...
Well, we've got a missing persons report on her, and the last time anyone saw her, she was on her way here to pick up her computer. Did she make it over here?
Oh, fuck.

 

by chaobell
9-27-02
Well...no, actually. See, here's her computer.
I see. Well, sorry I bothered you. ...hey, while I'm here, can I ask you a computer question?
Sure, fire away.
Well, I was deleting a bunch of files to make room for this game I got, and now my computer doesn't come on...
"Command.com" is from Command & Conquer, isn't it? It's not important or anything?
I'm going to hang for this...

 

by chaobell
9-27-02
...and then it said "press any key to continue" and I don't have an "any" key...
Not to worry, sir. Here, we'll use Mrs. Eggntater's computer.
Great! So, uh, what do I do?
Oh, just turn it on...
Okay, that's this bu--JESUS GOD!
Hey, does someone have pork chops in the micr--GODDAMMIT SARAH NOT AGAIN!

 

by chaobell
9-28-02
Look, electrocuting a rude customer now and then is one thing, but that deathtrap you rigged up just fried a cop.
Yeah, I know. Sorry about that, but I couldn't help it.
So I'm going to have to take some disciplinary action here. Next week, you are not to come in. I'm sending you to FragCon.
Aw, crap. ... ... ... ...wait a minute...
He gave you a speeding ticket, didn't he?
And if you try that with my mother-in-law, it's E3 for YOU, young lady!

 

by chaobell
9-29-02
And so, Sarah arrives at FragCon.
Well, it looks decent. Not a HUGE con, but hey, I'm getting paid to be here.
Of course, this might not be all it's cracked up to be.
Why the hell not? I am surrounded by Cool Shit. Games the general public hasn't even heard of yet, neat freebies, scantily-clad booth babes...
Yes...and hormonally hyperactive males who have never seen an actual vagina and who think Lara Croft's tits are realistic.
M4D B00BZ0RZ!!!!!!!!111
BACK, UNWASHED CUR!

 

by chaobell
10-24-02
Oooooo, Quake.
I think you're lost or something. The Barbie games are over that way.
...excuse me?
Y'know, the games girls play. Quake is a man's game.
...Why, God, -why- does IDKFA not work in real life?
GASP! IT KNOWS OF THE SACRED MANTRAS!

 

by chaobell
11-17-02
Hee hee hee...poor testosterone-poisoned kids, I almost hate to turn 'em into little red spots on the floor. Anyone here I haven't fragged yet? Hmmm...here's one...
Come to mommy, dumba--WHAT THE FUCK!?
*chaobell has been fragged by Betty1934*
(No, this isn't Mrs. Eggntater. All little old ladies look alike in this world. Trust me.)
*chaobell: Gramma BFG? Is that you?*
Goodness! I think I just fragged that nice young lady that sold me that wonderful Duke Nukem game...

 

by chaobell
11-17-02
I knew it! You been doing okay? I haven't seen you since I quit [nameless electronics store]!
Oh, hold on a minute, just let me--there! Whoo, look at those gibs fly!
So how'd you get into this con, anyway? I thought they only let people in the industry in.
Yes, that's right. I got bored with retirement, so I went and got a job at id.
Well, that's great! Playtester?
Level designer. Wait till you see the secret level in Doom 3. It's a bingo hall. The caller's a Cyberdemon.

 

by chaobell
11-17-02
So I was reading this article about Doom 3 in one of the magazines. I take it there's going to be some new weapons?
Yup. Now, you know, I'm not supposed to be telling you this sort of thing, but there's going to be an RBFG10K.
RBFG?
....-Really- Big F'n Gun?
Hon, you can say "fuck." Remember where I work.

 

by chaobell
11-17-02
Sarah takes her leave of FragCon and Gramma BFG because the author can't think of any more good con jokes.
Lots of mail...bills...junk...AOL CD...a videotape?
(Warning: incoming Ring parody arc by someone who has not seen the movie but knows just enough to make really bad jokes about it)
BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
DWAH!
BLAAAAAAAAAAARGH
JESUS GOD! Lava lamps don't go there!

 

by chaobell
11-17-02
Day 1
...so let me get this straight...someone sent you a scary movie?
This was not a scary movie. This was a plain -fucked-up- movie. Gah.
Oo, I've heard about that thing! If you watch it, weird shit happens to you for a week.
And then what?
And then you croak. Can I have your computer?
Dude.

 

by chaobell
11-17-02
Day 2
So...seen anything--
No, I have not seen anything weird. It's a fuckin' movie, for God's sake. A movie isn't going to kill me. Even if it DID show someone rimming a Teletubby.
Yeah, you're right. It's probably just some weirdo playing a sick joke on everyone.
Yeah, that's it. Pretty damn dumb, if you ask me.
By the way, can you order some more hard drives? We're almost out.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

by chaobell
11-19-02
Day 3
Okay. So I hallucinated my boss turning into Clippy yesterday. Not enough sleep. Too much work.
I am not going to die in four days. I am going to live a long and happy life. So what if I see something that's not there now and then?
Excuse me...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Could you tell me how to get to the nearest Foley's? I heard they've got winter hats on sale.

 

by chaobell
11-19-02
Day 4
Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers...
o/~ Mairzy doats and doezy doats and little lamzeydivey, a kiddleydivey too, wouldn't you? o/~
This is so not funny anymore.
You can say that again.

 

by chaobell
11-19-02
Day 5
Okay. My walls are bleeding, the cat just asked me for a cigarette, and this guy keeps pointing at me.
So I've seen it all, now. Nothing else could possibly freak me out.
.......except this.
Reelect President Bush!

 

by chaobell
11-20-02
Day 6
Have you heard the word of God today? Repent, for the end is nigh!
Oh ferfucksake, not that again! I am not going to die tomorrow! Just go away!
Oh really? Remember that video you watched? "Before you die, you see the ring." Just look at the background!
...that's supposed to be a ring?
It was the closest thing they had. Shut up.
It looks like someone put a Smurf in a blender to me.

 

by chaobell
11-20-02
Day 7, 11:57 PM
Hah! Three minutes to go! If I haven't croaked yet, I seriously don't think I'm going to in the next three minutes.
You see the Ring, then you die...
11:58 PM
I'm not listening! I'm not going to die in the next two min--
Hi. Sorry I'm late. Ten-car pileup on the Beltway and all.
11:59 PM
.........oh shit.
Hey, where's the john? I didn't have time to stop on the way over here.

 

by chaobell
11-20-02
Okay, look, we need to have a little talk about this whole death thing--
Death!? Oh, wait, wait, wait...man, I've been getting this all week! See, that video was translated from God knows what...and, well, they got "death" confused with, uh, "the little death..."
"The little death?" ....you mean, uh...
Yeah. Hang on a sec...
WELL, then! ...so what's with the scythe and robe and shit, anyway?
Eh, the chicks like it--oh, be right back. I left the champagne, bubble bath, chocolate syrup, and vibrator batteries in the car.

 

by chaobell
11-20-02

 

by chaobell
11-20-02
The management wishes to apologize for the previous comic, which was barfed out in a knee-jerk reaction to what the author thought was the real CC155.
The "competition" in question was equally hastily barfed out by some newbie in the forums. Of course, this author has no fuckin' room to talk.
Oh, shut up.
ha ha ha ur lam3r n00b

 

by chaobell
11-21-02
Would you like mild, medium, or hot salsa on that?
Hot, please.
Are you sure? It's really hot.
Sure, whatever you say. Slop it on there.
Five minutes later...
Uh...excuse me...
Mild salsa, coming right up.

 

by chaobell
11-21-02
o/~...if I only had a braaaaaain o/~
o/~I like big butts and I cannot lie! o/~
Thank you. We'll be here all week.
o/~I ain't got no bo~dy o/~

 

by chaobell
11-22-02
Hi. Can I help you?
Um, yeah. I deleted a virus off my computer and now it won't work.
Okay, some of those little boogers are nasty if you don't remove them the right way. Do you happen to remember which one it was?
Oh, yeah. See, like, I got this e-mail, and it told me "explorer.exe" was a virus, and like, Norton and McAfee wouldn't detect it, and I had to boot from a floppy and delete it from that black screen.
...if I sent you an e-mail that told you to strap five sticks of dynamite to your computer and light the fuse, would you do that too?
So, like, that'll make it come on again? Wow!

 

by chaobell
11-23-02
HAMMER NAILS WITH YR 18 INCH BONER!
...GAURANTED!

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
Hi! I'm Rob. I'm the new tech.
The new--oh, there IS a God. There's only one machine back there right now, but I've got all this Web shit to do. It just needs a modem stuck in it.
...what's a modem?
Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Oh, I like you. You've got a sense of hu--
Is that the thing you plug the TV thing into?
...you're serious, aren't you?

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
10:00 AM
Windows won't download. Maybe I need to reprogram the rams drivers?
RAM drivers!? What the fuck!? Jesus H. Christ on the mountain wearing sponge rollers. How the hell did this fuckwit pass the cert test!? Did he get his A+ out of a cereal box?
...hey, I think I know what's wrong! The power plug thing's out!
.....well, I'll be damned. The hard drive is, indeed, unplugged. Now before you go plugging it back in--
BZZAP!
Whoa! That was cool! Is it supposed to smoke like that?
.....as I was saying, before you plug it in, turn the power off.

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
11:00 AM
Okay, look, we need to talk about this "tech" you hired.
Oh, yeah. How's he doing?
He's a moron. He doesn't know a modem from a video card. He just fried Mr. Parker's hard drive. He's got no business repairing any machine more complex than a spoon.
Well, okay, maybe he's a little green...
I asked him to clean out some temp files. He pulled the hard drive, opened it up, and is now scrubbing the platters with a wire brush.
......I'll talk to him.

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
12:00 PM
And what are you tearing up now?
Oh, this one had a virus. Norton didn't fix it, so I formatted c: and reinstalled Windows. I'm putting all the other software on now.
Let me see that......holy shit! It's up! It's running XP! It's found all its hardware! It's on the network! It's...it's...
IT'S MY COMPUTER!!!
Yeah. It had that "Linux" virus. Bill Gates says it's really bad.

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
1:00 PM. Now it's personal. The new tech has installed Windows XP on Sarah's machine. For that, he must pay.
He needs killin'.
But how? How to do the deed without leaving large red stains on the carpet and piles of gibs on the benches?
Hmm.
And then Sarah remembers. A vicious beast lives in this shop, shut away from human eyes in the storeroom. The beast wants blood...
...and blood it shall have!
[Mrs. Eggntater's computer]

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
2:00 PM
What's wrong with this one?
This is Mrs. Eggntater's computer. All you need to do is turn it on and make sure everything's working okay.
Should I defraggle the hard drive?
Why, sure! Go right ahead. Just turn it on...
*click* *click* *click* It's not coming on.
...either the hamsters on treadmills that power this machine are dead, or you forgot to plug it in. 50-50 shot. Pick one.

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
3:00 PM
*click* *click* *click* *click*
No, that's the reset button. No, that's the turbo button. No, that's the CD eject button. No, that's the floppy eject button.
*click* *click* *click* *click*
No, that's the mouse. No, that's the alt key. No, that's a USB port--Jesus CHRIST! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A FUCKING POWER BUTTON LOOKS LIKE!? It's right--
/Sweet!/
I hope you get ass cancer and die and go to Hell. ASS CANCER, I say.

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
Sarah's plan to dispose of her new co-worker fails miserably. Fortunately, as the main character of this strip, she is immune to death. Please stand by while she is redrawn.
Hey, uh...can I get some help here?
Sure, hang on a sec...
*scribble*
Fuck you too.
Heh, sorry, just kidding...

 

by chaobell
11-25-02
Hey, there you are! Listen, about the new guy...he's not going to be coming in anymore. It's handled.
Oh, thank God. What'd you have to do? Beg? Bribe? Threaten?
Actually, the problem took care of itself.
...do I want to know?
Let's just say his last words were "Oh, THAT'S the power button!"
^_^

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
So. Thanksgiving. You know, I've got a hell of a lot to be thankful for. Family, friends, a roof over my head and food on my table.
But more than anything, I'm thankful...
...THAT I DON'T WORK IN FUCKING RETAIL ANYMORE!
THAT'S THE LAST SPONGEBOB! LEGGO! I SAW IT FIRST!
QUIT TOUCHING MY CART, MOTHERFUCKER!

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
'Scuse me...I need to--
WILL SOMEONE COME TELL THIS ASSHOLE HE DON'T NEED 50 DVD PLAYERS!?
Look, I just need some shampoo, could you guys please get out of the--
FUCK YOU, MAN! I GOT 50 KIDS! ...yeah, that's right!
ATTENTION MALL-WART SHOPPERS! Could the gentlemen in Electronics fighting over the cheap-ass DVD players please take it outside before the lady next to them crams 25 players up each of their asses?
...yes'm.

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
...this /is/ the express lane, right? What's the holdup?
Dunno. Looks like trouble at the register.
Whaddya mean I can't check out here! The sign says "15 items or less!" I got ONE ITEM!
Sir, one hundred identical items counts as one hundred items.

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
If you let me cut in front of you, I'll make the line move. Trust me.
...oh, what the hell. Go ahead.
Dude, just take your 100 fruitcakes over to the other register, huh? You're holding everyone up, including you--
Blow me, ya dumb cunt!
Thou art confronted by a hostile customer. Dost thou: a) leave him be out of Compassion for the mentally incompetent, or b) dispense Justice with a well-placed foot in the naughty bits?
Who the fuck is this? I told you to get me the DISTRICT MANAGER, asshat!

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
...so you better start ringing me up right the fuck now, or I'm going to sue your ass!
Sir, if you don't watch your language, I'm going to call security.
The hell you will! I'm giving you THREE SECONDS to start ringing, and then--AAACK
Uh, sorry about that. I didn't think he'd splatter that much. Anyway, how much for the shampoo?
It's on me! Guys, can we get a cleanup on lane 2, please?

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
Shit! I was going to get some yarn while I was in there...well, no way in Hell am I going back into that war zone today.
Eh, screw it. I'll just go to Hobby Lobby. Sure, it's a little more expensive, but at least folks will be /civilized/ there. Right? .../right?/
Wrong.
SOMEONE TELL THIS BITCH SHE DOESN'T NEED 30 YARDS OF RED FLANNEL! I SAW IT FIRST!
Oh, fer fuck's sake, people!

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
This cute little bird has graciously volunteered to play the part of the troll. You may be tempted to respond to a troll like so:
BLAAAAAAARGH FUX0RZ J00 GAY R3GZ BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Fuck off!
This is, however, not recommended.
Uh-oh.
Trolls, like the salamanders of legend, thrive on fire. Flaming them will just make them stronger.
BLAAAAAAARGH FUX0RZ J00 GAY R3GZ BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Great.

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
Trolls are not human. They do not feel pain. They cannot be reasoned with.
BLAAAAAAARGH FUX0RZ J00 GAY R3GZ BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Woe!
But don't give up hope yet! Trolls have a weakness: their burning desire to be the center of attention at all times.
SHIT FUCK HATE JIZZ CORNHOLE BALLS FART COCKSUCKER
Like four-year-olds, you mean.
So, if the troll feels he's not getting enough attention in the community he's currently infesting, he will pack his shit and go somewhere else.
RAPE CATS EAT BABIES SHIT FUCK BALLS COCKS--hey! Are you listening!?
How 'bout them Rockets?

 

by chaobell
11-30-02
Now, the tricky part here is, no matter what the troll says, no matter how obscene or personal his remarks may be, ignore him completely.
Yoo-hoo! Look at me! Toilet humor! Racist bullshit! I fucked your mom last night!
...then you take the extra gauntlets back up to Bishop...
Do not reply to any of his posts. Do not even mention him in passing. Just pretend he doesn't exist.
Twice! I had a dime! And I fucked your dad too!
...then after you release Garg, he kills all the goblins and you're free to wander around the Prison Tower as you please...
And there you go! Problem solved! It may take a few days or even weeks, but he will get bored and move on to greener pastures.
And I've got your hamster up my ass! I...oh, screw you guys. I'm going home.
...and then once Altara makes the wand for you, just wave it in Bishop's cell...

 

by chaobell
12-01-02
One final warning: trolls tend to keep lurking in a community for a while after they've gotten bored with it.
Naah.
So if a few days go by without a peep from the troll, do not say something like:
Boy, I'm sure glad that troll is gone!
...or you'll have to do it all over again.
MOTHERFUCKER!
I COMMAND ALL CHIXX0RZ TO SEND ME N00D PIX!!!!!!

 

by chaobell
12-01-02
"But Chaobell," you say, "this shit takes too long and besides, I can't ignore him. Isn't there a faster way?" Well, sure! There are a number of quicker ways to be rid of a troll. Flash floods...
glub glub hate glub glub fuck shit cock glub glub
Yo soy El Pisco Bandito. Dame todo su milhojas de manzana.
...high explosives...
Suck my balls, bit--AAAACK
...or alien abduction. All of which are either unlikely or illegal, or possibly both. Just suck it up and ignore the fucker. Trust me.
Hey, you know where you can stick your fuckin' alien probe?
Oh, I already know where to stick it. Bend over.

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