All comics by foss

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by foss
11-01-02
1) Think about where your life is taking you
2) Acquire appropriate tools to help you in your journey
3) Reach your goals

 

by foss
11-01-02
You're not supposed to be sleeping here. I understand that you may not have anywhere else to go, but this *is* a public road...
There's a shelter down the street. I'm sure they'll take you in if you explain your situation. It's got to be better than sleeping in a trash can, hasn't it? A roof over your head.. A bed... Food....
I know it may be embarrassing asking for help - pride is a hard thing to ignore. But believe me, it's not as embarrassing as having this truncheon inserted sideways into your anus.

 

by foss
11-04-02
I told you frogs don't have exoskeletons

 

by foss
11-04-02
Maybe I haven't done the right thing... I mean, I knew we weren't right for each other.
She'd just end up hating me in the long run, and I couldn't deal with that. I *had* to end the relationship.
And I don't think killing her brother helped matters.

 

by foss
11-04-02
Should I have eaten that baby?
Ah well, hell here I come.

 

by foss
11-04-02
deer santa. thank yoo for the biyke last yeer. i have been riyding it evry day.
this year i wood luve a puppy liyke i askd for beefor.
dont fuck it up this time.

 

by foss
11-07-02
I could've sworn I didn't shit on the *persian* rug.

 

by foss
11-07-02
See what happens when you don't pay your bills, Fred?
You get kicked out and end up sleeping in the bin again. I TOLD you this would happen!
You've mistaken me for my brother.. He's the one that's NOT paraplegic.

 

by foss
11-07-02
That tea taste funny to you?
I stirred it with my penis.

 

by foss
11-08-02
Dear Mum, Having a great time in Australia. Uncle Jim has been treating me very well.
He even taught me how to print out letters on the computer. He says I'm learning fast, but I think I'm still having some problems with the writing program.
Please do ignore the fucking paper clip.

 

by foss
11-10-02
It's this thing...
in there...
Where they eat testes.

 

by foss
11-11-02
Where are my DVD rips, ass?
I haven't had time... Boohoohoohoo. I've been far too busy shagging my tasty big-bapped girlfriend... Boo hoo!
Life is tough for you. I really sympathise.

 

by foss
11-11-02
Drunk, the two friends compared sexual conquests...
I drilled the bitch like there was no tomorrow. She was fucken' screaming, man!
My woman must've had like, 48FF tits!
As the discussion draws on through the night...
She said she'd never cum that hard before, and didn't think it was possible to have 9 orgasms in a row.
I tried to fit one of them in my mouth, but I thought I was gonna fucken' choke.
And as a result, I'm going to become your stepdad.
You are SO fucking dead.

 

by foss
11-12-02
Disco, baby.

 

by foss
11-12-02
Did I leave the cat in the microwave again..?

 

by foss
11-12-02
If you never experience, you never learn.
learning is a fuck

 

by foss
11-12-02
I decided that far too many hours of my life are wasted through sleeping.
So I'm giving it up. I'm doing well too - eight days and counting.
Plus, the screaming blue tuna steaks buzzing around my head make it easier to stay awake.

 

by foss
11-12-02
Maybe it's time I took Grandma out.
She's starting to decompose and it's stinking the bedroom out.

 

by foss
11-13-02
This letter will bring you good luck. Add your address to the bottom of the list, and remove the name from the top.
Then send a copy of this letter to the 299 other people on the list to have good luck for the rest of the year.
If you fail to do so, we'll break your fucking legs.

 

by foss
11-13-02
There was a new supermarket opening down the road the other day. There was a big ad campaign and everything. They even had a fairground there...
Clowns, balloons, and a huge Sale.. And to cap it all off, a MAJOR CELEBRITY was doing the opening! What do I see when I get there?
rolf fucking harris

 

by foss
11-13-02
ROLF
FUCKING
HARRIS

 

by foss
11-13-02
I'm not going to say "YARR". It's far too clichéd.
YARRRR

 

by foss
11-15-02
Facing reality implies accepting one's essential powerlessness, adjusting to circumambient forces, taking solace in some pattern or order that one has created and to which one has become habituated.
I just farted.

 

by foss
11-15-02
I think my balls just dropped

 

by foss
11-15-02
can't stand here chatting all day
yeah good point. seeya.

 

by foss
11-15-02
Everyone needs a "hazard horse"

 

by foss
11-19-02
I heard that if you cut a tree in half, you can tell how old it is by counting the rings.
I guess it doesn't apply to babies...

 

by foss
11-20-02
I said something horrible the other day. I couldn't help it - I'd had a really hard day at work, and as soon as I got home my girlfriend started going on about this new dress she wants for xmas.
I already had a rotten headache, so to shut her up I told her that they probably don't do it in a big enough size.
...I think I just worked out where those "poo hot dogs" came from.

 

by foss
11-21-02
I know new year is a long way away, but I have so much trouble thinking of resolutions, that I thought I'd better start on the list a bit earlier this year.
I never manage to keep them, so this year I'll make resolutions that aren't as far fetched as last year's "invent time travel" option. Here's what I got so far...
Squash less frogs

 

by foss
11-22-02
Dear Bob,
Thanks.
Love, Captain Stabby

 

by foss
11-22-02
beer?
I'llgetit

 

by foss
11-27-02
That was a huge meal I just had. I'm about ready to hit the sack now.
..and if my stomach hadn't just ruptured, I'd be able to get to sleep.

 

by foss
12-02-02
My girlfriend hated her xmas present
I don't understand why.
That puppy was alive when I wrapped it.

 

by foss
12-03-02
For xmas my friend Sally gave me the best blow job I've ever had.
I thought it was a bit of a strange gift to receive from a 12 year old.

 

by foss
12-04-02
Look, honey, it's a letter from Karen. She says "dear mum and dad. Having a great time at Uni.
The courses are not as hard as I thought they would be, but living on my own is proving difficult. I need to think of new ways to make money.
Got to go. Dr Sanchez wants his butthole tongued.

 

by foss
12-13-02
Dear Richard, I'm writing to apologise for putting the dent in your car. I was wrong to be riding my bicycle on the pavement.
I knew I'd been drinking and couldn't retain complete control of the bike, and I will reimburse you the cost of the repair plus 20% for your troubles.
However, I do feel that kidnapping my son in retaliation was a bit over the top. Return him at once or I'll blow up your fucking house.

Yours Sincerely,
David

 

by foss
1-07-03
Xmas is over.. It's time for tidying up and decorating.

 

by foss
1-14-03
Xmas and new year are finally over, and on reflection I have learned a lot this year. Like how friends and family are more important than anything else.
And how hard my parents worked to make this year special. Dad working hard to get the tree and decorations up. Mum slaving away in the kitchen creating a delicious turkey dinner.
And I learned that squeezing out a steaming turd in the middle of the meal is not the best way to show my appreciation.

 

by foss
2-07-03
I see dead people.
Or at least I did until I poured in the concrete.

 

by foss
2-24-03
I wrote a song the other day. It was really good. It was catchy, and had memorable lyrics.
But then my sister told me it sucked.
Bitch popped my jazz balloon.

 

by foss
3-05-03
They dig dreadlocked drugged-up jobless alcoholics.
</happiness>

 

by foss
3-13-03
I offered to show her my new 120GB Hard Drive
And started talking about Partitioning.
She came back. :D

 

by foss
3-18-03
I find it very hard to belive people if they tell me they love me.
The clown suit and maniacal laughter don't help.

 

by foss
3-27-03
Hmm...
I was sure kitty could swim.

 

by foss
4-02-03
My dog's got no nose...
Fuck off.

 

by foss
2-16-05
All I need is somewhere to hang a picture
And a picture to hang there

 

by foss
2-16-05
Okay, you win. It really *is* a bad idea to wrap fishing wire around your neck.

 

by foss
2-17-05
I could probably use some furniture in here

 

by foss
2-18-05
Behold!
Jimmy Hill's dance of a thousand chisels
and now I shall throw a beaver into the sun.

 

by foss
2-18-05
It says here you've won a holiday to the bahamas...
There's always a catch though. What is it this time?
It says "Daddy needs a foot rub..."

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