All comics by intellikat

 

by intellikat
6-30-10
Outside the White House on a Sunday afternoon...
Equal rights for Bacon! Equal rights for Ham!! I can stand here all day you know!!!
Equal rights for Bacon! Equal rights for Ham!! I am absolutely outraged at the injustices committed to meat products such as myself! Equal rights for Bacon!!
What more can a guy like me say??? I'll be at this all day, folks!!! Equal rights for Sausages!!! Rah, rah, siss-boom-bah!!!

 

by intellikat
6-30-10
I'm really freaking outraged!
So much so that I am going to go absolutely ape-shit on the next thing that appears!! I am totally pissed off at these injustices abounding!!!
***
Hi, I'm supposed to be here protesting the injustices committed against Confederate reenactors. Can you direct me to the South Lawn???

 

by intellikat
6-30-10
So what, you're protesting against some kind of injustice?
Hellz yeah! They made us CSA reenactors paint ourselves completely with lead-grey paint! In addition, They are only allowing us to eat the Confederate diet, which does not support a healthy lifestyle.
Oh, yeah? What does the Confederate diet consist of?
Bread. Beans. And a hell of a lot of smoked ham.

 

by intellikat
6-30-10
Have you assembled the troops? Are we ready to march in protest?
Yes, sir. But I need to say we may have a problem. There was a large strip of bacon here earlier and I think I may have offended him.
How in the gawd dang hell did you offend a strip of bacon, soldier?
I mentioned that I enjoyed eating his kind, sir. When I tried to joke it off with a few clever puns, he steamed up and left in an awful hurry.
That's alright soldier. If he comes looking for trouble, we'll just blend into the sidewalk with our lead-grey paint camouflage.
I thought the White House was supposed to be white, sir?

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
I just don't know anymore, Steve.
Is all public protest just empty gesture? A polka for one? A cheeseburger, hold the cheese, hold the burger? Does anyone hear us out here?
Et tu, Stephan? Et tu?
My bus is here, good sir. Hold that thought.

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Hey lil fella, what are you protesting?
Just rolling, my man. Just rolling through on my balance ball.
Let me make an aside to the audience-- Gentles all, pray watch as I dispatch this fuzzy fool with a swipe from my demon-sword, gaining crucial XP.
Use Magic : Canine Pyro : KABAM!!!

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Hey, Larry what's up?
What up, Brad? I've got a wicked headache from the weekend.
What up with that? Your wife? Hahaha Your kids??
I was down at the capitol protesting against the use of syrofoam as a filler in hamburger meat.
What are you... just trying to connect content to the last comic strip?
A little bit

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
So, I was explaining to Larry that in a post-structuralist environment, there's no need to bridge context. the context is "no context." There needs must be a breakdown in meaning at this point.
What, are you referring to Ferdinand de Saussaure, or Charles Schultz?
Ha! Comedy.
Speaking of comedy, have you seen the new branch manager? I think he's a cockroach.
"Cogito ergo my boss is a cockroach."
Aren't you guys supposed to have a brain the size of a pea?

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
What is this about a rumor going around the office THAT I AM A COCKROACH????
That's something of a question within a question, sir, but I think the answer is that the employees are a bit nervous over the new merger. Perhaps a scheduled event on Friday might ease tensions?
Well, well, that sounds like a good... HEY what are you doing feeding that BABY in here???
It's not a baby, sir. It's a wild ginseng root I'm bringing home to my Asian wife. I need to keep it moist in the time between, and--
Alright, that's enough of that. But since you've "broached" the topic, do you happen to know any attractive, single, Asians?
What? You mean like Asian COCKROACHES?

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
What is up with us being unable to say the word "cockroach" around here?
Well, the word "cockroach" includes the word "cock," which is an obscenity in itself.
But when I use ALL CAPS, I avoid the censhorship, e.g. OUR BOSS IS A COCKROACH!!!
Excellent loophole found, my friend.
What is that... a businee tee???
You are a COCK.

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Hi, I'm here as a temp for the secretary position
What THE HECK!?!? Firstly, a cockroach for the new boss, and now some kind of dung beetle answering our phones?! What are we, committing stock suicide?!?!?!
I'll just set up over here
What's next? A centipede running PR?!?! A dragonfly handling IT????
Hi, I'm Dave and I'm the new HR manager. Can you direct me to the executive toilet?
OH GREAT!!! And he's got to take a dump, too!

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Man, it's hard to get any work done around here with all these BUGS! Nevertheless, I always have the refuge of my cubicle.
OMG!!!
Holy crap! Did you guys see that?!?!

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Aw frick!
Yeah, hey? What are we gonna do against that kind of firepower?
These bugs are using some kind of ADVANCED WEAPONRY to attack us technology!
Aw frick!
YAGHHHGHHH!!!
AUGHHHGHHH!!! Hot!!!

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Now, I just wanted to speak to you privately and let you know that I don't intend for racism to exist in the corporation I'm rebuilding here.
Of course, sir. I would only expect so much.
I mean, even my own employees were calling me a COCKROACH for a time, which is absolutely ridiculous, but I let them know firmly that being called a bug is not an acceptable slur in this organization.
Thank you, sir, that's good to know.
YAHhhhhhh!!!!
One more

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Any why did you call me down to your office today, my son, to meet in secrecy in this dimly-lit basement?
Padre, we are in need of your superpowers! Malevolent bugs have infiltrated our corporation at all levels and are seeking a HOSTILE TAKEOVER of MASSIVE PROPORTIONS!!!
And how exactly can I be of service? What exactly are these, *AHEM* "superpowers" you refer to?
Padre, please do not feign such humility and ignorance! Your abilities are known throughout the land!
Very well, my son. I shall look into this occurence.
Thank Heavens!

 

by intellikat
8-03-10
Excuse me, my son. Can you direct me to the nearest fascimile machine?
Something fishy, old boy. This priest looks too confident.
Of course, father. Just follow me this way...
TRANSFORMATION, Ha!
!!!

 

by intellikat
8-04-10
Now to get to the bottom of this BUG INFESTATION...
WHAT THE-- Hey, who are you???
ZAP!
HAHA, useless! My powers are great, intruder. Let's see how well you fare against my own!!!

 

by intellikat
8-04-10
TRANSFORM to FLIGHT MODE! YAGH, ENGAGE!!!!
Celebrate your last use of speech, earth-bound fool! My skills of flight outmatch yours in every way!
YAGHHHH!!!!
RAHHHHH!!!! Fighting!!!!
Anyway, that's what happened and we never heard from them again. Welcome aboard!
Are there any other people working here besides us white folk and dinosaurs?

 

by intellikat
8-05-10
Hey Jim, those are some really sweet licks... really awesome stuff, but do you think you could maybe keep it down a bit today? I'm really swamped with invoicing--
Yazzaa ZOoza Ramm Ramm JAmmm SING song LALALALALA!!!!
Like I was saying, maybe just going for an acoustic session in the mornings?

 

by intellikat
8-05-10
Frick! I can't rub two thoughts together in my head with Jim playing electric guitar.
I know... for real, right? What's the protocol for dealing with this kind of thing anyway?
Well, I just light up and try to calm myself by playing some Swedish trance over my PC speakers.
Maybe someone should tell Mr. Johnson.
Mr. Johnson??? Are you kidding? That guy will get out his bass if he knows Jim is at it again.
Is the air conditioning on in here? It's feeling drafty.

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Uhh, Jim, you got a moment? Some of us were just wondering if you could keep it down a bit today. Maybe lowering it a few notches?
Hey, what is that... Joe Satriani?

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Mr. Johnson, would you please have a talk with Jim? He's been playing guitar all morning and driving the department absolutely NUTS. We can't get a lick of work done with all that noise!
Acoustic or electric?
frick!

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Oh Great, just GREAT!!! Not only is Jim bustin' my eardrums with that UNHOLY DIN OF HIS, but now Mr. Johnson is in on the racket, too. THANKS HEAPS, little fella. Thanks heaps.
...Man, all I wanted to do was sort my papers today, but now I'm gonna go home with a migraine the size of Yavin thanks to your stupid shenanigans!
What are you dressed up as anyway? Michael Phelps?

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
But why do you ask me? I am but a humble caterer who is serving at a function in the same building as your organization.
Padre, I know that it is you beneath some SHAPE-SHIFTING MAGIC you possess. You must do battle against a new EVIL SCOURGE that hast befallen us!
Very well. POOFTA!!!
Thank Heavens!

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Excuse me, my son... Jim, is it?
I believe your coworkers have expressed a desire that you lower the amplification of your instrument so they may work at a more efficient rate. Would you consider this request?
Jam ON ULTRA!!! FIRE-MAGIC Whazoom YEAHHGHH!!!

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Holy CRUD! Did you hear the news??? Jim is actually a BARDIC MAGE, FIRE ELEMENTAL level 12. He completely decimated that wandering hero disguised as a priest!
Heck yeah, I know! That's why I'm clutching my framed "Powerties of the World" collection so tightly. It gives me a strange sense of calm during times of crisis.
All I know is that if Jim can't be stopped by a character like that, we should be drinking our last cup of coffee together. Whatta ya say, Lou?
Breakroom in five?
Do you think I could hold it, too... for just a few minutes?
Yes, Tom, you could.

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Yagga SHAGGA ROCK ON YEAHHH!!!!
Burnin' higher FOR MA SHGGA ROCCC Now, YEAH WHOOOO MAma
YOODOO-- Whaaaaa the...???

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Buuu... Whaa??? You are... like, me, man???
Whhaaa daaah daaa dooo, my man! WAZZA WAZZ YEahhh ROCKIn' HARD FOR MY shmmazzzz mazz! yAddddaaAAA!!!
LET us unite!
Unite. UNITE!!!
Rockkkin' ROCKINN' HARD with my MAN, TWin MAN, ROCKIN'!!! YEAGHHH feel it!!!

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Aren't you employed to handle "security" issues? Would not this constitute an issue of "security," i.e. my security, your security, the security and livelihood of all who work in this, our building???
Yeahhh... Not so sure about that. I'm basically employed to shift my eyes to the right, then to the left, like so... Vigilantly watchful, ever hawk-like... So far, seeing nothing.
...!!!...
YAHHHHhhhhh!
CRIPES!
Rockin' ON THE HARD EDGE! eVR burnnin, down DOWNING, SHALLAA LALALA! HAKKKA!!!!

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
HELLS! There's gonna be no one left to run this company! Between the BUGS and the DOUBLE JIM-JAM, we must have lost a dozen employees already!
Are you looking at my framed "Powerties of the World" Collection???
AGGGHHHH!!!
HEYYAGHHH!!!
SIZZZZZZ---
---ZZZZLE DIZZLE!!!

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
I barely escaped with my life!
Me too! With my coffee cup!
I think that Dave is the only one left in the building! Poor little fella...
Oh, don't worry about Dave...
Why's that?
I ate him.

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Oh NO, 'tis my ARCH-Nemesis, HALF-DEER!
AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Still Sprayin'!

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Well I'm takin' my time, just-a movin' along...
...You'll forget about me after I've been gone

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Well, HALF-DEER took care of HALF our problem, but hell-if-I'll go in there with the other Jim still rocking out to the tune of "BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE."
I'm sorry, did you say something?
Dammit, Ken! What has gotten into you?! It's like you're fifty million miles away, man!
BTW: Have those briefs always been yellow, or did you soil yourself again?

 

by intellikat
8-06-10
Alright, Jim #2, we've lost Jim #1 on rhythm. Can you handle what's left?
Alright!!! JAM ON SSTTARRRR!!!
AGHHH!! TOOO AWESOME!!!
Tooo hot SOLO, YAHHHHGHH!
Anyway, that's what they said happened. Welcome aboard!
Deus Ex Machina aside, where's a fella go to take a birdcrap around here?

 

by intellikat
8-07-10
H-h-hello, my name is Brandi. May I help you find a book, or perhaps a periodical?
No thank you, my child. I'm simply browsing...
Uhm, W-w-we have some books here, Mister.

 

by intellikat
8-07-10
Uhh... H-h-hi, my name is Brandi. B-b-bookstore Brandi to be exact. May I help you find a book or t-t-three?
Ma'am, I'm gonna ask you not to breathe on me like that anymore. We're in the middle of a homicide investigation here.
Who exactly is it that they think is a homosexual?

 

by intellikat
8-07-10
Ohhh, H-h-hi Brandon. Did you hear the news? There was a murder recently in the bookstore. T-t-the police are investigating now!
Yeahhhh. It's really crazy that someone got killed like that during our shift. I wonder who might have done it?
The police say they think it was a priest.
What, like Judas Priest? Flippin' sweet!
Do you think it might have been P-p-professor Plum, with the pistol?
I gotta find a way to get some free publicity for my heavy metal band, "Ottersong" from this.

 

by intellikat
8-07-10
So, what exactly did this priest look like, young man?
Ummm, well, he was wearing black... and he had a cross on his necklace... and a tattoo across his neck that said "Ottersong."
"Ottersong?"
Yeah. And he was repeating some kind of code, perhaps a clue to the murder: he kept repeating "Ottersong midnight show at the Black Box, this Friday." Just kept mumbling it over and over.
"Ottersong Midnight show at the Black Box... this Friday."

 

by intellikat
8-09-10
GOLLY MOSES! I leave the store under Tony's management for just a few days and we have a freaking MURDER on our hands! How do you think that is going to fare for business?
I think we like to sell b-b-books okay, Mr. Calogeri.
"You think we like to sell books okay?" What does that even mean, Brandi? CRIMINEY CRIM-KETS!
M-m-maybe what I'm trying to say is that I think your jeans are v-v-very hot, Mr. Calogeri.
Did I actualy hire you, Brandi? Or did you come free with the lease?

 

by intellikat
8-09-10
What technique??? All you guys ever use is smoke balls and gay-ass ropes to get out of situations you could never even handle in the first place!!!
Right! Like you guys don't ever use smoke balls!!! Last dude I challenged from Grey Clan let off some ninja gas before we even started the match, all ducking and jumping--
--Yeah, and he probably kicked your ass, too!
Yeah, well, he might have if he hadn't had an asthma attack, which I had to deal with by finding an inhaler inside his own gear bag, which was totally packed out with smoke balls and gas canisters--
Oh yeah, of course, like we would fill a whole gear bag up with smoke balls!!! You guys can't even afford new gear bags because you haven't won a championship in like 7 years!
Dude, we don't need new gear bags 'cause we're not always planning some bullshit escape that requires a dozen smoke balls and some lame-ass cartwheels. Done!

 

by intellikat
8-12-10
So look, Brandi, you are going to have to make a statement to the police. And when they ask you if you were trained in store security systems and protocols, you will say "YES," do you understand?
T-t-those jeans will look just as hot on you when you are 40, Mr. Calogeri.
I'm 46, Brandi, and happily married.

 

by intellikat
8-12-10
So, tell me, Brandi, because this is very important... What kind of training did you receive when you were first employed that related to the handling of security in the store?
W-w-well... most of the handling was done by Brandon, but it's not like I d-d-didn't like it.

 

by intellikat
8-12-10
What h-h-h-omicide is that, Mr. Calogeri?
It's a shame the cops have left, Brandi. If they stayed just a bit longer they might have been able to investigate the second homicide.

 

by intellikat
8-12-10
The meeting... of East...
...and West.
Why does it happen? Wherefore and why the attraction?
My head is small, hers: quite large. Where will I place my saddle and blanket tonight?
Can he sing karaoke?

 

by intellikat
8-12-10
Well, yeah, that and the Choco-Cola...
...but I've been coming here for years, bro, and let me tell you... this is THE PLACE to meet some high-class dames who can handle a lightcycle or work their way around Mister Doo's castle.
Damn, son.
Just stick to me like a metroid on Samus Aran. I'll hook you up with the lady of your pixelated dreams. Now go hit the change machine.
So fresh.

 

by intellikat
8-17-10
Ummm, hi there! I noticed you were standing all by yourself over here next to "Q-Bert." Do you come here often?
I think I wet my pants, Daddy.
I knew this was a bad idea

 

by intellikat
8-17-10
Dude, you can't worry about that! Of course there's gonna be a few uprights with cracked mainboards, but do the math! You just have to keep working that crane arm... grabbing at the plush baby dolls.
I feel like you speak in metaphors all the time that i don't understand. And I'm worried about the fact that we are taking so much time off for lunch.
Lunch Shmunch Crunch! Who ever saved the princess without using a warp whistle or two? You gotta start using your Game Genie, bro, if you know what I mean.
I have no idea what you mean!!! I just hit on a thirty year old woman who wears diapers.
Bro, it's not like you take on Dr. Wiley on the first level! Try to get some power-ups along the way. You're so hard on yourself sometimes.
I'm gonna get a Choco-Cola with a double-shot of Jack Daniels. Does that constitute a power-up?

 

by intellikat
8-28-11
"But who, O, who had seen the mobled queen—"
That's good; "mobled queen" is good.
"—Run barefoot up and down, threatening the flames with bisson rheum; a clout upon that head where late the diadem stood, and for a robe, about her lank and all o'er-teemed loins...
...a blanket, in the alarm of fear caught up, who this had seen, with tongue in venom steep'd, 'gainst Fortune's state would treason have pronounced."
I don't know, I'm just loving it. Knock this one out of the park, Geoff.

 

by intellikat
8-28-11
So hey, I'm here to audition for "Maximus Electronicus". Are you auditioning, too?
Yeah, yeah, totally! I'm auditioning for "the martian suicide bomber". How about you? You must be auditioning for "the ghost", huh?
Haha, yeah, what gave it away?
Wait a minute, you know "the ghost" is supposed to be BLACK, right? Didn't you get the sides to look at?? Who's your agent?
Oh CRIPPETTS! What am I going to do now?
Can you do a Richard Pryor imitation?

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