All comics by ottish_bee

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by ottish_bee
6-21-03
You better watch it Jesus! I'm gonna crucify the shit out of you!
oh, father forgive them for they....er.....they..............
.....................
One time, my cat did ecstasy and fucked James Gandolfini up the ass.
Details!

 

by ottish_bee
6-21-03
I once knew a man....from Norway....who was on a diet of anal leakage.
I beg your pardon?
He would...eh...drink the anal leakage of eh...boys soccer team. Every morning before he went to work at eh one of those rape hotlines.....where you eh....rape someone and share your eh experiences.
oh please. Ever since Mrs. Doubtfire drinking anal leakage has been so tame.
eh, yes....but the one where he makes Nathan Lane drink anal leakage to woo Gene Hackman was funny. It eh, made me laugh.
This is about the worst handjob i've had since Nathan Lane.

 

by ottish_bee
6-22-03
I'm sorry Tina, I can't molest you. What would baby Jesus say?
Hmmm......probably...
"I'd like to tag Moby's ass."

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
I am the King of the Jews, what tha fuck you gonna do, bust up in your manger with 40s and blunts, my disciples eating cupcakes and cunts, Mohammed is a motherfucking dunce, and a poser--
he gotsta get shafted by Vishnu's 40 fingers to achieve closure, I am the first born son of christ, bitch this isnt rape this is a pussy heist!
I hate jews!

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
I jerk off to Finnegan's Wake for extra credit.
suck up.

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
boy man, I sure do hope Tony Blair can find those dang Weapons of Mass Ventilation.
I hope he can find his cock.
wha you mean....toe-blair's cock cant find dit.
Well, it's either hidden in Syria or he destroyed it before Bush went looking for it.
........
Or he lied to Bush about having a penis all along just to get him into his pants.

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
I feel.....empty.
I need to be more like you Rob.
My testicles feel like cottage cheese ever since the accident.
Hang on....slower......I want to make sure i write this all down.....

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
I'm gonna....gonna....kick your mom in the fucking face and fuck her up the ass until she bleeds, preferrably from the ass.
Hey, shut your goddamn mouth.
My mom doesnt even have a face, remember? Dont pick on it.....the exposed muscle tissue and raw nerves are a tad sensitive.
Yeah, well her big black uncastrated dick is still intact, right?
Hell yes brohan!

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
Sorry Timmy, but i'm saving my sperm for a drugged minor on my honeymoon.
Aw man. Just a little sucky sucky.....?
Go fuck yourself Timmy. I am a child molester of high moral bearings. Thats just the way Jimmy Carter and Shaka Kahn raised me.
Goddamnit. I'm going to saw my head off because i cant drink any sperm. Life sucks. If drinking sperm from insecure real estate agents is right, then i dont want to be wrong.
There there young Timmy. Maybe for christmas this year Santa will cut off Jerri Falwell's dick and leave it in your stocking. But only if you keep up your grades and do what your parents ask!
Alright!

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
Hey Brenda, how long have we been camping out for tickets to Legally Blonde 3 again?

 

by ottish_bee
6-23-03
--I mean, you use paperclips to hold small quantities of paper together all the fucking time!!! How was i supposed to know that you were prejudiced against fucking them? Racist bitch!

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
Looks like youve really outdone yourself this time David Blaine.
Damn, that Tori Amos song makes so much more sense up here.

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
Ah, you know. The usual. That Jon Benet slut took the phrase 'blowjob' too literally and.....what are you in for?
Ah, you know. The usual. Dying for the sins of man.
Shit, you crazy nigga.
I swear to fucking god! This world made me what I am! I'm as innocent as an 11 year old wearing osh kosh overalls chained to my bed!
You know, if you werent swearing to yourself that might sound marginally credible. Now open wide....I think i can hit your mouth from here prag....

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
This CSI:Jerusalem pilot is really going to launch me to stardom.....
Shit! I hate you dad! Why the fuck are you making me die for these dooshbags?
YOU SPELLED DOUCHEBAG WRONG, DOUCHEBAG.....WHY YOU HAVE TO GO AND HURT A PIECE OF ASS LIKE SUSAN ANYWAY?
I wonder what exciting projects David Schwimmer will embark on after Friends ends....
Because. Watching her gasp her last breath made my weenis all hard.
OH SON, THE APPLE NEVER FALLS FROM THE TREE!!! GIVE YOUR OLD MAN A HUG.
I wonder if David Schwimmer will ever realize that this restraining order is just cheating destiny.
Aw dad. Does this mean we can be a family again? Like we were before mom went to the Melissa Etheridge concert?

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS--
Alright, alright. But it's your turn to dress up like Gerald Ford.
Haha, Jim you fucking pimp you...

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
Hey, I know we lost the war and all, but what do you think the world would've been like today had we won?
Gee, that's an interesting question. I don't really know though.
Yeah, well maybe if we won you wouldn't be so goddamn lacking in original thought Yankee.
Maybe. Anything's possible these days. Just last week my boyfriend put an elephant up my ass. It gave me a huge fucking erection.
You gotta be shittin' me. I tried that a couple o' times on ole Hank and the killer whale damn split my partner in two. His asshole line stretched all over his body and back again.
Well I'll be damned. Hey, a Starbucks.

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
pst....Sally....while the Romans are watching Bachelor....
Hey! Jesus! Leave those kids alone! We don't need no Jesuscation--
Goddamnit Henry! Shut the fuck up!
Jesus.....Suave......
Yeah, that's what i'm talking about motherfucker! Turn that shit up to 11! Now all we need are some blunts and hoes. And some kind of nail remover.

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
Hey Jessie, did you watch the Sopranos season finale last night?
No, i was busy filming my dad get all freaky with a toaster and shit. What happened?
All the male characters came out of the closet and had a massive orgy, and James Gandolfini got it stuck in a toaster and it cooked it and it fell of to reveal Eisenhower's head. It fucking rocked.
Sweet! They must be trying to win over the queer as folk crowd.
I guess. I'm curious to see how Tony Soprano achieves an orgasm with Eisenhower's head as his primary sex organ.
My dad usually just stick's his Eisenhower head up other men's asses, or gets other men to suck his Eisenhower head. My dad was a crazy hippie in the 90's. He even went to Woodstock.

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
I'm scared Santa.
Your scared? How do you think i feel, I have to walk out of here alone...

 

by ottish_bee
6-24-03
Why cant we be in a strip thats funny.
Why cant we be in a strip that has explicit gay sex? I'd really like you to suck my dick right about now...
Yeah, that'd rock dude.
No, i was talking to the baby dumbass. I don't want your faggot lips all over my pure aryan dick.
Aww, hey Sarah! Get the camera! Little Ezekiel is about to give his first blow job!

 

by ottish_bee
6-25-03
September 11th was pretty fucked up g. Why do you muslims hate us jews and americans so much anyway?
Killing 4 million innocent afghani citizens was pretty fucked up too.
Well my god says it's alright if we kill them under the assumption that we're incinerating evil terrorists.
My god says to cap any motherfucker that builds on the Mecca or gives our land to the jews, bitch.
But my god says that jesus will come and end the world only when the jews have control of jerusalem again.
Todd, i think you just answered your own question.

 

by ottish_bee
6-26-03
Ross from Friends is funny as shit.
Yeah, and my dick is made of ice.
heh heh. Oh, I remember prom weekend now. I just thought you were fucking me with a popsicle. Shouldnt your dick have melted by now?
.....man, suck it bit!
tastes like those flintstones push pops.....

 

by ottish_bee
6-26-03
i'm gonna try giving my hand an erection by rubbing it with my dick.....
P-town boys goin' all out.

 

by ottish_bee
6-27-03
He likes golf, and he likes cancer. Together they make for the strangest bedfellows, this fall on ABC!
'Sup man. What are you doin' tonight?
Going to another meeting for the American Cancer Association.
Hey, aren't they against cancer though?
Yeah, but i just sit in the back and smoke.
Sounds great. I'm going to go play golf.
Have fun Jeff.

 

by ottish_bee
6-28-03
Hey kid, do you wanna know why they call 'em dunkin's donuts? Eh? Dunkin Donuts? eh heh heh heh...
eh?
Because you um, dunk them i guess?
Yeah. How did you know?
Because i'm looking at six of them.

 

by ottish_bee
6-28-03
hey john, you remember that commandment i wrote? About not blowing me on the cross? Could you mark that one out?
But Jesus! You said never to mark out any of your writings, even if you were to later tell us so!
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU to mark out that commandment about not blowing me on the cross or i'll rape your wife and kids and sell the video over the internet!
No Jesus! You said never to mark out any of your writings, even if you were to threaten us with tales of raping our families and selling the video of it online!
'sigh', just suck my cock jew.
i thought he'd never ask.... : )

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03
I make a habit out of leaving my copy of the satanic bible on my bed, to always let my roommate know who wears the pants in this relationship.
Well, uh, couldnt you just leave a pair of pants on your bed?
No, because that would just say I'm a naked guy who leaves my pants on the bed.
Well, don't you have more than one pair of pants? Like you could put one pair on the bed and one on your lower torso?
Hello? I'm a Canadian. We're trying to keep our population down by only allowing one pair of pants per man.
Me and my right wing Christian friends view SARS as gods way of punishing Canadians.

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03
... ... ...
It's never to late to repent! Inside everyone Canadian lies Sammy Hagar!
Oh alright--wait, isn't that a bad thing?
Shut your fucking face. David Lee Roth was ruining that band.
Even so....If i had Sammy Hagar inside of me I would cry.
I know the feeling. It's like being fucked with a barb-wire cactus.

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03
Well, that would be bad too. But I'd still cry just because Sammy fucking Hagar was anal raping me.
Dude, it's only rape is you dont want to have sex with Sammy Hagar.
............Yeah.

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03
Do--
NO.
I...I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling this. Next!
At least i don't have two hands--oh shit!
Schindler's List 2: Red, White, and Blonde Scene 23 take 93......action!
I want to save the Jews.
I was going to add 'to jews' below it, but y'know we evil anti-sematic muslims can't spell and all because we're dumb shits.

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03
Damn right.
Whoa. I never thought of it that way. I love you dad.
THE END!!!! THIS HAS BEEN A PRODUCTION OF LIFETIME MOVIES INC.
20 years later...
Hey, I know you! You were Ezekiel in that Lifetime movie, Schindler's list 2: Red, White and Blonde!
*hiccup* And....you forgot Schindler's List 3: The Rise of the Machines.....And Schindler's List 4: Jason Takes Manhattan....

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03
Those were alright, but the sequels are never as good as the first sequel.
Say kid...*hiccup* which way did Jim Morrison go?
Um, 2 doors down on the left sir.
*hiccup* Thanks kid....Take this....go get yourself some vd homos.....
......you didnt give me anything....
Cant....move......arms......dey put.....dem in......our brains.......zzzzzztttt......

 

by ottish_bee
8-16-03
Wow! I forgot how great you were as Chekov in Star Trek 2: the Wrath of Kahn!!!
Thank you....It's one of my more lesser known roles. Partly because I never played Chekov in that film. Now here, go get you some vd homos! You've earned it.
On the way to the vd homo harem
If you a pimp and you know you dont love them vd homos...
If you a pimp and you know you dont like having sex with the fetuses in the abortion clinic dumpster, even if you dress them up like cheap prostitutes...then I'm sorry. Your not really a pimp.
the vd homo harem
Here's 73 cents...ohmigod!
Jimmy! What are you doing here? My image is tarnished!

 

by ottish_bee
8-17-03
ohmigod....*sob*....my idol is a vd homo....wait, why did you give me money to have sex with you?
...
Jimmy, I wanna let you in on a little secret.
I live in a fucking trash can.

 

by ottish_bee
8-17-03
Yeah, I know. I have....eyes.
Oh you do? I'm sorry. I'm blind as a bat and I automatically assume everyone else is too.
Ha. Understood. Wait, why did you pay me to have sex with you?
You had sex with me? Damn, that was fast.
No.....You gave me money to come to have sex with vd homos, and when i got to the vd homos you were here.
Ohmigod! My career is over! What have i done?

 

by ottish_bee
8-17-03
I mean, stupid stupid stupid!!! I should've gave you money for healthy homos, or money to just buy vd's over the counter in sandwhich bags, or, or--
Or fetuses in the abortion clinic dumpster dressed like cheap prosititutes?
Just........just no Tom.
Commercial break
I've never licked a man's taint in the north pole, but i bet if i did, it'd be cold as balls.
Drunk Drivers Against Mothers. Because their kids are dead and they aren't coming back. The call you make could pour a little more salt on those wounds. The more you know...

 

by ottish_bee
8-17-03
I'm Jim Morrison.
Oh my god.....that's me 20 years ago!
Dude, just because 2 people look alike doesnt mean they are the same person. Like Russian President Vladamir Putin and Reverend Al Sharpton.
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
Or does it?
Does it make any sense?

 

by ottish_bee
8-17-03
No, does it not make any sense.
I thought i just said it doesnt make any fucking sense.
Yeah, you did.
So why are you asking me something--I can't do this anymore. This is bull shit. I quit.
I.....don't want to live Artie.

 

by ottish_bee
8-17-03
You must be smoking crizzack!
Meanwhile, in living rooms across america
--Crizzack!!
Heh.
Your smoking crack!
No your smoking crack!

 

by ottish_bee
8-25-03
After that last horrid segment, NBC cancels "Crazy Moth Futureworld and a Pizza Place and Grace and the City"
You'll never work in this town again Ted Danson!
I.....live in a fucking trashcan.
"I wasn't even supposed to be here today...."
Ha.
Kevin Spacey is a genius...

 

by ottish_bee
8-26-03
Pssst.......This Gary guy isn't cool man. Let's arrange to have him eaten by locusts...
Hey Gary. Meet us out at the sidewalk at 8.
Rad.
5 days later...
1 in 60 million people will be eaten by locusts this year alone. The more you know.....

 

by ottish_bee
7-30-04
this fall on ABC, catch 8 Simple Rules For Picking Up Chicks By Getting Sympathy Points For Telling Her You Have Aids My Teenage Daughter!
The First Simple Rule for picking up chicks by getting sympathy points for telling her you have aids is....
Don't tell her you have AIDS Jackass.

 

by ottish_bee
7-30-04
and....what are the other 7 rules?
The...the other 7 rules aren't as much rules as they are disclaimers in fine print, claiming no responsibility on behalf of the ABC network if kids are injured mimicing stunts from this show.
Man, fuck this show. I'm Frankie Muniz dammit. At least on FOX they let me be in the middle.
Hey shut up the Frankie Muniz. You see this colorful ball i stand on? It's your testical.

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
And i do dance on it.
like a rhinestone cowboy....

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
And the scary thing is that this is an episode before John Ritter died.
And now a word from our sponsors.
We are going to wage a holy war on the western infidels for their illegal and unjust occupation of muslim soil. Now watch this jenga move.
G-Unit!
Honey, if you can change me into a menthol cigarette just by pressing a button, would you?
For the Union--er, i mean, The Confederacy! Where the customer is always right!!

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
And while in the Confederacy, be sure to try our new low carb anallingus, Carnallingus!
Excuse me soldier, but didn't the civil war end 8 years ago?
Um..... not in Sudan!
Oh, well continue your show of tradition and culture good sir.
heh heh, sucker...
ooh, low carb anallingus!

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
GAAARARAHGHGH!!!!! IF RE-ELECTED GOOVERNATOR OF CALIFORNIA, I VEEL ADMINISTOR AHNOLLINGUS TO GREY DAVIS!!!!
So, your going to lick Gray Davis' asshole?
...
GAAARARAHGHGH!!!!!

 

by ottish_bee
7-31-04
*click*
Next up on the No Spin Zone, we'll have Michael Moore come by and tell us why theres really no difference between carnallingus and anallingus, or even just plain old anallingus for that matter.
Well you see Bill, the term 'carnal' merely implies sexual desires, so 'carnallingus' is basically the same as the other -inguses, except maybe steamier, with like pouring hot wax on each other.
*click*
Joining us on the No Hebrew Zone in someone's fucked up bedroom, is Muhammed Moore to discuss his new film Fahrenheit Mecca, which accuses Bin Laden and his administration of having ties to the Bushes
Don't get me wrong Bill Al-Zarqawi, i hate the infidels and the state of isreal and love allah. But I believe Bin Laden's war in Iraq is diverting resources from the overral jihad against the west.
He did not serve in the Soviet Afghan war, and the documents regarding his whereabouts during that period are missing. Unlike John Kerry, who fought on the side of allah against the godless communi--
Wait, which one am i again? This bedroom is fucking with my head.

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