All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

I've seen you around--I always thought you were good looking.
Why didn't you say anything before?
I wasn't that horny.

 

I was reading the other day that 70% of Viagra prescriptions are never refilled.
Maybe the users look at what happened to their wives and remember why they stopped getting boners.
Word on the street is you guys prefer fucking something with more estrogen than you.

 

So, you, uh, wanna go back to my place?
Sure.
You're discreet, right?
No, everytime I hookup with a guy, I take out full page ads complete with pictures. Then I call the guy's parents and ask if they know what a pervert they raised.
I was afraid of that.

 

Dear Fag, How do you know when a guy is really into you and not just using you for sex?
Dear Manhole--It's hard to tell at the beginning, but he'll let you know after awhile...
What's your name again?

 

Can I ask for your input on something?
Sure
Stick it here!

 

I should write a sex advice column.
You still think women's private parts are called, "the China."
Well, they are ancient, mysterious, and we have no understanding of them.
Don't forget that they were closed to Westerners until the Seventies.

 

I think I have hemorrhoids.
A lady at work said I should have some guy grease up his cock real good and have him push them back into place.

 

I scared the crap out of my mom the other day.
How?
She left me seven messages on my cell phone when it was dead, so when I finally called her, I said, "I'm calling regarding your son...he was found in a ditch."
And she fell for it?
I used my straight voice.

 

Take it easy, little guy.
Oh my god...I can't believe my dog let you play with him.
Why not?
Because he normally doesn't like guys. I think that must mean something...
You can't be surprised that a dog that looks like that has better gaydar than you.

 

Why the long face?
My haircut died today.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I need to get it cut before Tuesday.
Hot date?
I want to make a good impression with the new Scissor Sisters CD.

 

I findally went to the doctor for my hemorrhoids.
He examined me, but he couldn't find anything wrong.
That's good.
But I'm still bleeding back there.
Maybe you should trim your fingernails.

 

You know how when you like a new band nobody's ever heard of and then they hit it big, but you wish they hadn't because it was better when only a few people knew how great they were?
Yeah...
People like me are so banal and set in our ways that we are never on the cutting edge.
So that never happens for you?
Not as long as we can keep marriage to ourselves.

 

This place sure is pretty.
Sure is.
Before I knew girls were icky, I used to daydream about getting married here.
When did you realize you were gay?
When I started daydreaming about wedding planning.
I was gonna say...

 

Restaurants give people too much food.
I haven't had this much meat packed in my colon since I was an altar boy.
Not so loud!
What if people think you're Catholic?

 

Mr. Foley's odd behavior toward young male pages may have been overlooked, fearing a backlash from the radical gay rights movement because of his sexual orientation.
Yes, we all know how the Republicans pander to the homosexuals.
The integrity of the conservatie majority has given way to political correctness, trading the virtues of decency and respect for that of tolerance and diversity."
That's their problem--they're too accepting of others.
The Foley scandal is just one more reminder that America desperately needs to return to the Judeo-Christian values that have served as a foundation of our nation from its inception.
As long as it doesn't involve any of that peace, forgiveness, or loving thy neighbour as thyself crap.

 

I have to figure out what to get someone for a surprise birthday party.
What kinds of things does he like?
I have no idea--I haven't seen him in like six or seven years.
Oral sex is always nice.
I don't like giving gag gifts.

 

I just don't know if I should put the moves on this new guy. I mean I like him and everything, but what if I move too soon and he thinks I'm slutty?
But on the other hand, what if we're not compatible? He might be boring in bed. I don't want to invest too much time in this relationship if it's not going to work. What if he thinks I'm fat?
I can hear you rolling your eyes.

 

I think I figured out a way to stop men from having sex with each other.
TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME!
Let them get married.

 

Are you whoring around on that gay dating site again?
Yeah, I got a match.
My ass and your face.
I told you I'm not into that.

 

My name means "Big Tool" in Italian.
People say it's a perfect name for me.
I've heard.
So you know about my "Big Tool?"
No.

 

HEY! Stop that!
You know how they say dogs take on the characteristics of their owners?
Yeah?
It's no accident I like to lick balls.

 

The recent attacks around here make me nervous.
All the guys were walking alone, around 2 a.m.
What self-respecting gay man leaves a bar alone at 2 a.m.?
Only the ugly and the picky.
It's like survival of the sluttest.

 

My PC died, so I bought a MacBook Pro.
Why'd you do that?
I don't know.
I'll bet you think Justin Long is cute.
You know I like anything that's thin and easy.

 

What are you doing in town?
I'm working on a federal grant.
So you're whoring around on my tax dollars?
Pretty much.
Well, at least I got something out of it.
When you think about it, I did to you in person what the government has done to your paycheck for years.

 

I was watching Modern Marvels tonight on History Channel.
They said Lipton has a teabagging machine.
It really is a matter of time before men are completely replaced by robots.

 

Hey, what are you wearing to the party tonight?
I have no idea. What are you wearing?
I figured I'd wait and see what you have on when you come to pick me up...
Then put on something nicer.

 

So how'd things go with that new guy?
We went out twice, but it fizzled after that.
Sorry to hear about that.
Actually, it was a good thing.
You weren't that into him?
Kinda, but who wants to start dating someone a week before you have to give people presents?

 

So, do you have a boyfriend?
No, do you?
No.
I wonder what's wrong with him.
He must be a freak.

 

So I stick it in and his eyes almost popped out of his head.
He looked like one of those Obie Martian squeeze toy things.
Imagine what he'd look like with a big one in there.

 

What's your prediction for 2007?
George Bush will send more troops to Iraq.
How's he going to do that with our troops fatigued, stretched too thin, and a decline in recruitment?
He'll repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and alllow gays to serve openly in the military.
We're fightin' 'em over there, so we don't have to fight 'em here.

 

What has the reaction been among administration officials to Saddam Hussein's execution.
I'm sure Republican National Committe chairman Ken Mehlman got an erection when he heard Saddam was hung.
Are you saying that because he's a staunch Bush supporter or because he's allegedly gay?
Take it any way you want.
We know Ken does.

 

Wanna stick around and watch the Rose Bowl with me?
You know I'm not much of a sports fan.
I heard on TV that we'd be sure to see a lot of booty today.
You know Booty is the name of the USC quarterback, right?
They also said we'd see a lot of sacks.

 

I used to work with the inventor of the Real Doll.
Did you ever get to try one out?
No way! I heard what it takes to clean one of those things out.
Apparently the fake ones are even worse.

 

Record cold temperatures are jeaopardizing agriculture across the western states.
Overnight freezes have cost California citrus farmers billions of dollars in damaged crops.
Here to give us the fruits' perspective is this guy.

 

Thank you for calling the Psychic Fags Network. I'm an asstrologist. Would you like me to read your homoscope?
Sometimes you wonder where all the quality, relationship-oriented guys are, but then you remember that they are somewhat flawed physically and you have sex with a hot stranger instead.
It's like you've known me your whole life.

 

Will I ever find my soul mate?
Let me see what your homoscope says...
Sometimes you want to settle down, buy why do it now when you can still sleep with a different guy every night?
You've got a sexy voice.

 

I just don't know what's wrong with me or what to do to make myself happier.
Well, that's what asstrology is all about. Let's see what your homoscope says...
You're worried that you're not hot enough, so just eat less and workout more and you'll get that Ken Doll look you've been wanting.
I thought Ken's look was the result of plasic surgery.

 

Sometimes I think nobody believes me when I tell them about my fabulous sex life.
You can't lie about your sexual prowess or dick size because you've had sex with all your friends.
Oh my god...is that you, Eric? I thought you were passed out.

 

You'd think Republicans would realize it's in their best interest to pass laws preventing discrimination against gays.
We're a great investment.
We're the only minority that can make your property values go up when we move next door.

 

Good news about Ted Haggard.
He went through three weeks of intense therapy and it turns out he was only "acting out" when he had sex with men.
I checked--he's 100% straight.
Are you talking about the angle of his boner?

 

Will you, Steve, take me as your husband, let me use your hair product, borrow your shoes, and adopt my dog as your own child?
I will.
...and when our sex life becomes a boring, routine ritual, will you let me bring in a third to spice things up, as long as we play together?
I will.
...and will you stay with me forever, until someone younger and hotter comes along?
Look, as long as it's not "for uglier or fatter," you've got a deal.

 

Have you been avoiding me?
No.
I'd have to know you better to do that.

 

I can't believe I threw up in your bed last night.
You were pretty drunk.
I'm SOOOOO sorry.
It's okay.
So you're not mad at me?
I was when you were making the puke angel.

 

What do you think of Ann Coulter calling John Edwards a faggot?
I think she picked on the wrong guy.
Because he turned it into a fundraising opportunity?
No...
He wouldn't be able to talk out of both sides of his mouth about gay rights issues if he had a cock in it.

 

Hey, stud--do you ever get into role playing?
No.
You should try it.
Like what?
I'd come over to your place, pretend to sneak in like you were a dirty boy whose parents were out of town...
And I'd say, "I'm Chris Hanson with Dateline NBC."

 

Maybe we could go back to your place and I could jerk you off while watching some porn.
Sounds good.
Do you have any straight porn?
No.
Dude, I'm not into gay stuff.

 

Gay porn is way better than straight porn--It's more authentic..
What do you mean by authentic?
It's impossible to fake an erection and a money shot.

 

What do you think of the comments this week that "Faggot isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gay. It's a schoolyard taunt meaning wuss."
It has no basis in reality. Faggot has always been a gay slur. Also, it seems to make light of bullying and discrimination.
But should gays take offense if it's used against someone like John Edwards, who isn't gay?
Anyone who would say that is a filthy, disease-ridden, oozing snatch with balls the size of her enormous Adam's apple..
That's pretty harsh.
It's a schoolyard taunt--it means Ann Coulter.

 

Hey, stud. Can I sniff your pits?
Ewww, no.
Why not?
Because you assume they smell.

 

My sister is fucking insane.
What's her deal?
She's vegan.
I'll give her some meat.
You're gay!
Vegan girls look like 19 year-old boys.

Showing page 10.

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