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The Merry Elf

 

Silver Spoonerisms 4 by Namgubed 7-02-17
Meanwhile, at Minas Tirith ... Gandalf! Denethor's gone crazy, trying to burn Faramir alive on a pyre! Bring me wood and oil!	Abandon all hope! Run for your lives! He's not dead yet! And whatever you do, don't light yourself on fire and jump off a cliff.	AAAAAIIIEEE!!! So passes Denethor: he's thrown himself into a pyre fit.

 

In Soviet Russia, Joke Tells You by Namgubed 7-09-17
Hey folks, what happens when a Communist soccer player takes a dive in the penalty zone?	♪ TWEEEEET!!	Yeah, that's pretty much what happens.

 

Cabinet Apprentice 4 by Namgubed 7-21-17
Scaramucci! Scaramucci, will you do the fandango? Sure thing, boss! Pick yourself out a genuine Rolex!	I don't think hiring him is such a great idea, Mr. President. Well, guess what, Shawn Spicer, YOU'RE - -	I quit. Yeah, whatever.

 

Silver Spoonerisms 5 by Namgubed 8-25-17
Meanwhile, at the local cheese shop ... ... have you got any white Stilton cheese? Not EXACTLY, Sir -	What do you mean, "Not exactly"?! I mean that what we DO have is ...	"White cheeses on stilts." Sacre bleu!

 

Cabinet Apprentice 5 by Namgubed 8-27-17
Reince, You're a superstar and I like you, but let me introduce you to our new chief of staff, General Kelly! Wait, but I thought I was ...	Out the door, maggot! YOU'RE F-- No no, General! I still get to say it.	YOU'RE FI-- I GET THE "GENERAL IDEA".

 

Fi' Dollah! by Namgubed 11-21-17
I've been fivesed! "Fivesed?"	Yeah, my customer paid me entirely in five dollar bills this week ...	but in the past, tens. I hate you.

 

Alien: The Reckoning by Namgubed 11-21-17
Hey, did you catch the Alien: Covenant movie? It was freakin' sweet what with all those aliens! Indeed. I detected a total of 487 alien creatures in the film.	Geez, what did you do, watch the DVD and hit pause a lot? No ...	I used my Giger counter.

 

Poop Deck by Namgubed 11-22-17
Ahoy, matey! Come join the crew in the galley, we're watching "Victory at Sea" on the big screen! Can't do it, Captain - that show always gives me the runs.	Arrrgh, izzat so? Fleet cinema!	Walk the plank.

 

Not-So-Great Moments in BLM by Namgubed 2-13-18
I am Arnold Schwarzenegger!!		Well? Did you tell him his name sounds racist? I shat my pants!

 

Ad Homonym by Namgubed 9-23-18
Hey, if you had the opportunity to outlaw any brand of coffee ...	which one would - YUBAN !!

 

Push Back On Them by Namgubed 10-27-18
Congresswoman Maxine Waters is so ugly ... HOW UGLY IS SHE???	She's so ugly, they call her makeup "Make a Wish Foundation" ! Ooh, that's cold.

 

Political Party by Namgubed 10-29-18
Meanwhile, at the annual office Halloween Bash... Great bull fighter costume, Gary, love it, love it! Thanks, Marcia! And who are you dressed up as?	President Hillary C... AAAIIIEEEEE!!!

 

CC 705: As For the Bucket by Namgubed 10-29-18
There once was a man from Nantucket, who loudly exclaimed, Ah, fuck it!	Did my very best, in this comic contest,	And? Still lost to some fucker named "lukket"!

 

Brouhaha at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. by Namgubed 11-09-18
Meanwhile, at a press briefing ... ... why are you dividing America? ... why are you dividing America? ... why are you dividing America? Sit down and shut up, Jim Acosta, before I have Chen the intern take the mic from you!	Don't worry, Chen, I'll get it! Wait, Lisa, he could be dangerous!	I've been severely Acosted! Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark.

 

Silver Spoonerisms 6 by Namgubed 11-16-18
Happy birthday, honey! What do you want on your breakfast-in-bed omelette?	Spinach an" bacon !! A bitchin" spankin' !!

 

Silver Spoonerisms 7 by Namgubed 12-19-18
I'M SO ANGRY I COULD PUNCH A HOLE IN THIS WALL!! Well, you know what I do when I'm angry ...	WHAT ?!? I take starfish stranded on the sand bar at low tide, and huck 'em back in the ocean.	SHOALY HUCKIN' FIT !! Ha ha! ... What?

 

Cabinet Apprentice 6 by Namgubed 12-21-18
Meanwhile, at the West Wing ... We're pulling out of Syria!	And we're also pulling out of Afghanistan! That's it, I'm leaving.	But why, General "Mad Dog" Mattis? Your foreign policy is way too frustrating!

 

Comity Relief by Namgubed 1-21-19
Meanwhile, near the Capitol ... Pelosi's giving out Conservative foam rubber stress relief balls! I got the Clemson Whopper! I got the Kushner Honkey!	aaaOOOGaaa!! Tell her thanks from Chuck Schumer for the Viable FÅ“tus! Hehehehe...	She gave me a Squishy Wall! How about you, RBG? This Justice Brett Ball feels like Kavanaugh Nerf !

 

Silver Spoonerisms 8 by Namgubed 2-09-19
Meanwhile, at the Copper Corral ... BANZAI !!!	Holy crap! Did you see THAT? Rosie O'Donnell just hurdled a dining table with four food trays just to get the last slice of pecan pie! Wow, that should be, like, an Olympic event or something!	No doubt, but what would you call it? It should be called the O'Donnell Tray Jump, I can tell you that!

 

Pawnishment by Namgubed 2-14-19
Meanwhile, at a Las Vegas Pawn shop... Hey, I came across this 1922 British shilling. What'll you give me for it? Well, let's see ... hmm, for that, I'll give you $4.25 .	Come on, you barely even looked at it! That's what it's worth.	How do you know? That's easy - it's a foreigner quarter!

 

Have it Your Way by Namgubed 10-12-19
Meanwhile, in DC ... I've got a question, Mr. Dershowitz. Go ahead, Miss AOC ...	Don't you find it ironic that the chord progression for "It's Raining Tacos" ... Mm-hmm ...	is the same as Taco Bell's Cannon? "Taco Bell's Cannon," indeed.

 

Silver Spoonerisms LIV by Namgubed 2-03-20
Meanwhile, back at the ranch ... We've got the popcorn and the nachos ready for the big game ... where's Farmer Bob? I been getting the bean dip ready, but I think he's over by the pig pen.	See if you can get Farmer Bob's attention - the game's about to start! All righty ... Hey, Farmer Bob, what'cha up to over there?	I'm watching the blooper sow! Poor kids can do just as well as white kids! Sumbitch, he got fired! Let's do 10 pushups!

 

Attitude by Namgubed 3-01-20
I bet I've got more runs in my stockings than you do! Y'know, I really don't appreciate your holier-than-thou attitude!	My beard feels so soft, this plant-based conditioner is to die for! Y'know, I really don't appreciate your Garnier-than-thou attitude!	♫ Master of the house, quick to catch your eye ... ♫ Y'know, I really don't appreciate your Thenardier-than-thou attitude!

 

Attitude 2 by Namgubed 3-05-20
Wanna buy a watch? Even better than a Rolex! Y'know, I really don't appreciate your Cartier-than-thou attitude!	I can't believe how refreshing this mineral water is! Y'know, I really don't appreciate your Perrier-than-thou attitude!	Check out the great support I get from this girdle! Y'know, I really DO appreciate your bustier-than-thou attitude!

 

Yet Another Brick by Namgubed 3-05-20
Hey, why are all my African American students absent today? I think they're out demonstrating for school vouchers.	Well, there's a gaping hole in my attendance! Well, you know what they say ...	"We don't need no education?" No darks are chasms in the classroom!

 

Attitude 3 by Namgubed 3-08-20
Woof! Woof woof!! Y'know, I really don't appreciate your terrier-than-thou attitude!	Telegram for Father McPheely! Y'know, I really don't appreciate your courier-than-thou attitude!	Parts of the Pacific Northwest are considered to be a rainforest. Y'know, I really don't appreciate your Ranier-than-thou attitude!

 

Triple Play by Namgubed 3-11-20
Meanwhile, back at the Oval Office ... Thank you for tuning in to my corona virus address! First, we'll have a statement from the World Health Organization ...	To be followed by a report from the World Health Action Team, which has done a spectacular job, that I can tell you...	And then a brief summary from the International Department Of Non-Tyrannical Kingdoms Newly Opposing Warfare...

 

The Sound of Soylents by Namgubed 4-24-20
Meanwhile, in the heart of NYC... Mayor DiBlasio! The refrigerator trucks with all the corpses are running out of Freon! Quick, take about a thousand ventilators and keep 'em cool!	Mr. Mayor, all the take-out pizza joints are out of Italian sausage! Quick, set up a wet market in China town!	Sure enough ... IT'S PEOPLE PIZZA, PEOPLE !!!

 

Where the Air is Free by Namgubed 5-05-20
Guess what? Dr. Tony Fauci is making a guest appearance on Sesame Street! Yes, why waste a perfect opportunity to indoctrinate the children?	He's giving Oscar the Grouch a Social Distancing Award with the honorary title of Dr. Grauci ! And then tomorrow - Wait, let me guess: Ernie and Birx?	Wow, how did you - See 'em coming a mile away.

 

For Your I Only by Namgubed 8-07-20
Well, 007, M wants you to report to Q! Aye, aye!	M sent me ... Ah, yes, 007. Each pellet from this ordinary looking BB gun has the explosive power of a pound of TNT!	This is giving me a headache! I need an aspirin. Funny, that's what N said.

 

No Harm, No Fowl by Namgubed 11-27-20
Meanwhile, back at the Oval Office ... Mike Flynn! I've got some good news, and some not so good. Go ahead, Mr. President.	The good news is that I'm granting you a full pardon! Great! And the not-so-good?	You'll have to wear a Thanksgiving Turkey costume.

 

Truth Over Facts by Namgubed 11-28-20
Meanwhile, back in Washington DC ... Hey, look! Former Vice President Biden is coming out of a grocery store. Looks like he bought a dozen eggs.	Now he's opening the carton - is he gonna egg the Supreme Court? He's just staring at them!	Is he checking for cracks? No ... he's counting his chickens.

 

Non-Prodigious by Namgubed 3-22-21
Meanwhile back at the coven ... Holy crap, it smells like something died under your dress! Do you like it?	... I call them my     "late bloomers"!

 

Lesser-Known Supervillains

Meanwhile, in the heart of Gotham City ... Hey, did you just egg my squad car?? The Yeetster Bunny strikes again!

by Namgubed, 3-28-21

 

Everyone's Favorite Rudolph Scene by Namgubed 4-02-21
Meanwhile, on an Arctic ice floe ... This fog is as thick as peanut butter! Don't you mean, "pea soup"?	You eat what you like, and I'll eat what *I* like!	** CRUNCH ** LAAAAANNND HOOOOOO!! No kidding.

 

Hair Club for Rats by Namgubed 5-21-21
Do you suffer the shame of premature lab rat baldness? Then we've got good news for YOU! Introducing Hair Club for Rats! Sponsored by NIAID and America's Doctor, Tony Fauci !!	Our patented process carefully rips the scalps from aborted children exclusively provided by Planned Parenthood ... ... And grafts them onto your affected areas! Satisfaction Guaranteed or your money back!! Just listen to this glowing customer endorsement!	(Not a compensated actor, results may vary, certain restrictions apply.) It worked so well on my head, I had a second one grafted on my butt! Now, I can give a hairy rat's ass! Call 888-555-RATS in the next five minutes, and get a FREE subcutaneous stem cell layer! That number again is 888-555-RATS !!

 

Silver Spoonerisms 9 by Namgubed 6-03-21
Meanwhile, down the street and around the corner ... I think the cute chick next door really likes that British gangster show. Oh, how do you know?	She keeps shouting that famous line at the end! Really, which one?	"Don't f&¢# with the Peaky Blinders!" DON'T PEEK THROUGH THE F&¢*!#G BLINDERS !!

 

Apoquel vs. Attention to Detail by Namgubed 9-12-21
Meanwhile, at the veterinarian's office ... So ... what's going on? I'm a talking dog.	The *other* issue.	I'm a four-year-old female with the voice of a full-grown man!

 

We Love Dirty Laundry by Namgubed 9-19-21
Meanwhile, at the news editor's office ... Boss! Missing person story just came off the wire: 22-year-old fiancée abandoned by her boyfriend on a cross-country trip! Come on, those stories are a dime a dozen. Nobody ca-- well ... is she hot?	SMOKIN' hot. TONS of pics and vids on Instagram.	... RUN THAT BABY !!!

 

Gone Grrrl by Namgubed 9-23-21
One year later ... Hey, what's this TV doing on Justice Ginsburg's grave?	It's connected to special sensors in the casket by people who still hope she comes back to life	Ew, that's kinda creepy! What's it called? An RBG monitor.

 

Giant Squid Games by Namgubed 10-22-21
Meanwhile, on the high seas ... Ahrr, that be the biggest omelet I've ever laid me eye on! Well, the recipe was really simple: Just Kraken Egg!		I'll go get the plank.

 

Brandon's Steering Wheel by Namgubed 10-22-21
Melvin !!	What the heck are you doing?	Joe Biden Town Hall Leadership training.

 

Silver Spoonerisms 10 by Namgubed 10-22-21
Hey, man, what's up? You still living the dream? Not exactly ...	I quit because of the vax mandate, but then I got a job with Door Dash.	So... So now I'm driving the meal!

 

Brandon's Steering Wheel 2 by Namgubed 10-23-21
Hey Melvin! Are there any actual benefits of Joe Biden's Townhall Leadership training?		Now I'm riding a horse.

 

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Moments ago, after pardoning two turkeys, President Biden shouted, "Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!" and brained them both with a Louisville Slugger.

by Namgubed, 11-22-21

 

Silver Spoonerisms 11 by Namgubed 12-03-21
Freud's Last Slip Good morning, honey! What would you like for fake-breast? ....!	I ... I - I mean BREAKFA--

 

Like Monopoly! by Namgubed 12-05-21
Meanwhile, at the North Pole ... Namgubed the Merry Elf-dude had a very 1337 PC, And if you looked inside it, you would cry with jealousy! All of the other Elf-dudes sabotaged his ink-jet parts; they wouldn't let poor Namgubed publish any graphic arts.	Greeting card supply chains failed! Santa had to say: Namgubed, with your laser-jet, won't you print this card stock set?	Then everyone admired him, And they shouted out with glee, Namgubed the Merry Elf-dude, Print a Christmas card for me!

 

Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Joe Rogan by Namgubed 1-29-22
My Maserati does 185	I lost my license	... on Spotify.

 

I Didn't Say Banana by Namgubed 3-03-22
Meanwhile, at the produce section... Have you got any more Sunkist® oranges? No but there's plenty from our other supplier.	Yeah, but their quality doesn't have the same...	Sunkistency.™ That'll be an extra $5.

 

Bigger Then Mayor Lightfoot's Dick by Namgubed 3-06-22
This is Cooper Anderson reporting from the Iowa State Fair, where farmer Libby Greene has won first prize for what may be the largest cucumber ... ever! She's a beaut, ain't she, sonny?	Weighing in at 2.7 metric tons, this gargantuan cuke is sure to make a healthy bowl of salad, right? Heh! Well, I tried to sell it to several grocers, pickle plants, and even tried giving it away to charity, and nobody wanted it!	Really? Why not? They all said it was too cucumbersome!

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