All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
8-24-10
So you're saying that you love me because... "What if I had two eyes?"
What do you think I am anyway... some kind of a one-eyed idiot?
Listen to me... please! If you had two eyes, you'd be a two-eyed idiot, and you're not!

 

by bigworm
8-24-10
So you're saying that you love me because I don't have two eyes, and am therefore not a two-eyed idiot?
Exactly!

 

by bigworm
8-24-10
Saying that you love me because of a hypothetical difference that doesn't exist, doesn't make any sense.
But I never said it did!
Isn't love wonderful?!

 

by bigworm
8-24-10
I'm sorry if I don't understand, it's just that you're so much more capable than I am when it comes to language.
You can put things in words that I can't even understand! You can put your thoughts into my words, and I still can't understand them!
Let's just forget all that stuff, okay?

 

by bigworm
8-24-10
Are you ready to make an accusation?
Yes... I think it was done to 'YOU' laying on your stomach...
... by 'MR. HOMOASSRAPER'...
...in the corner of 'YOUR BEDROOM'.

 

by bigworm
8-24-10
I'm convinced that if we pool our resources, we can find the so-called 'SOCK-PUPPET MOLESTER'!
I'm 100% with you bro'. Lemme' just get some files outa' this cabinet, and we can sit down and figure out what we're gonna' do.
Meanwhile... in the company's child day care center.
Hi little girl! I'm gonna' scream so loud, you'll have to sit on my face to shut me up! Tee-hee, tee-hee.
Okay, lower yourself down so I can get on.
Is this low enough?
Yes, that's just perfect... now hold still... OOOHHHH EAT MY LITTLE GIRL SHIT YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! OOOHHHH!!! I'M CRAPPING ON YOUR FUCKING FACE! OOOHHHH, THAT'S IT... NOW LICK MY SHITTY LITTLE CRACK!

 

by bigworm
8-24-10
Ms. McPhootle... I had a bad accident! I got scared by the 'Sock Puppet' monster!
Oh My God!!! You must've been frightened to death, you poor little thing!
So how was day-care today sweetie?
Inexplicably gratifying!

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
You know, I'm supposed to return to earth at some point in time.
Calm down now, everything's gonna' be alright.
I'm a little worried about how they're gonna' react. After all, I am dead!
Skulls are 'in' down there. They'll love you.
I'm sorry I was never able to fuck you.
You're just having a mid-death crisis... it'll pass.

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
You want me to bend over and put my hands in those bloody prints on the wall? Then you want me to yelp like a Korean dog at dinner time? What's that about?
You'll see.

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
3-2-1 BLAST OFF!
Let's give that another try...
3-2-1 BLAST OFF!
Let's give that another try...
3-2-1 BLAST OFF!
hummm... something definitely isn't right.

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
What'll I say if someone says I have to be in costume?
Just say "Trick or Treat!"
"Da... da."
"I'm a confused muscovite."

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
I just don't get it...
... people take one look at me...
... and they know I'm a coke-head.

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
Listen little brother... I brought you to this peaceful setting to give you some guidance in your life as a street queer run amok.
I thought I was doin' alright.
You were 'till I caught you gettin' reamed by that hairy-ass old chicken hawk in mom's bathroom.
So you know it was me that ripped the towel rack off the wall.
Yeh, and I really don't wanna' tell mom how it happened.
Alright... pull it out.

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
The difference between you and I can be seen in our eyes. I've seen it all, and you're just a wide-eyed kid still dreaming and hoping.
In a sense, you're right. I'm dreaming of the day I can stop... and I'm hoping to see that day, before I've endured so many weenie whippings on my brow...
... that I develop the kind of scar tissue above my eyes that you've developed.
Put a cock in it!

 

by bigworm
8-26-10
Oops... I just PHarted!
Just a minute and I'll PHart too!
You can't PHart, but you can fart.
I don't have to PHart anymore, so no need to worry about it.
Ooops... I just did a queePH!

 

Thanks for the neck-warmer.
I hope it fits you, I just had to guess at the length of your neck.
by bigworm, 8-27-10

 

by bigworm
8-27-10
What did you get from Uncle Bob?
You're not gonna' believe it.
What?
Binoculars!

 

by bigworm
8-27-10
I just did another queePH!
No you didn't.
Yes I did.
Let me explain this as simply as I can...
... white girls can't queePH!

 

by bigworm
8-27-10
Can black girls queePH?
There would be some black girls who could. It would depend on where they come from.
How about QueePH Latina?

 

by bigworm
8-27-10
We were laughing so hard, we both popped our eyes out at the same time, and were rolling around on the floor. So we started feeling around to find 'em, but we were drunk as hell!
She grabbed mine by mistake, and I grabbed hers by mistake, and we popped them in pretty much at the same time. I figured out what was going on before she did, and so I looked down at my dick...
... and we've been together ever since.

 

by bigworm
8-28-10
OK, I can see how both your eyes popped out, and I can see how you got 'em mixed up when you popped 'em back into your sockets... 'cus you were both drunk.
But the optic nerves of each eye remained attached to the original body from which it popped. So when you say you looked at your dick, and implied that she saw it through her eye, well...
Are you callin' me a liar?

 

by bigworm
8-28-10
Well?!? Are you or are you not calling me a liar?
Of course not! I am however offering you this gentle reminder... we're 'Green Fudgies', from the planet 'Hyperbologna'...
... we are physiologically asexual, and our bodies cannot tolerate alcohol.
Okay... so I'm a little forgetful.

 

by bigworm
8-28-10
Where'd your partner go?
He's out taking a crap in the saucer.
Meoowww!!! Ow Ow Owwwww!!! Ohhhh, ooohhhh!

 

by bigworm
8-28-10
What kind of sound is 'Meooowww'?
That's a primevil sound cats in heat make. We call it 'caterwaulin'.
So you 'caterwauled' because you are hot?
You tell me...

 

by bigworm
8-28-10
What say I grab a bottle of milk to keep the saucer filled, and we head on out to join your friend?
But he's probably not finished evacuating his bowel...
Then let's make like we're ridin'!
... and we don't fill our saucer with milk.
You're startin' to spoil all the dreams I ever had of what it would be like to make some hard grindin' 'saddle-soap love' to a foul-boweld sweet little cyclopian pea-pod such as yourself.

 

by bigworm
8-28-10
I'm not a 'cyclopian pea-pod'. I'm a 'Green Fudgie'.
YOU GOT BILE in yer STOOL?!! Somebody HOLD ME DOWN!!! *shiver shiver*, *shudder*, *shake*. OH! GodDAMN that was heavy! Whew! What just happened anyway?
I'm not sure either...
I think my herd done busted out the corral! What do you say we call it a night!?
... but I've had better, and I sure as hell didn't see no 'herd'!
Talk to me baby! Insensitivity will get you everywhere!

 

*suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck*
by bigworm, 8-28-10

 

Call me...
by bigworm, 8-28-10

 

by bigworm
8-28-10
Jeepers! I've never seen a banana that big before!
Gosh! I never knew anal could be so wonderful and marvelous!
Darn it all! Our time is up! You're gonna' have to finish yourself off!

 

by bigworm
8-29-10
It's nothing personal...
...but we only serve avocados.

 

by bigworm
8-30-10
For the commission of crimes against the 'Avocado Nation', you are hereby sentenced to die.
What crimes?!??
'GUACAMOLE'!

 

by bigworm
8-30-10
But 'guacamole' is not a crime... it is a passion!
Fair enough...
... you are sentenced to die for crimes of passion against the 'Avocado Nation'.

 

by bigworm
8-30-10
If 'guacamole' is a crime... then go ahead and shoot me!
The sentence of death shall be carried out just prior to lunch time. You are sentenced to die in the 'MASH CHAMBER', where you will be mashed until dead, by a real big fork.
What will become of my remains?
Your remains will be mixed with a little lard (to taste)...
...and made into 'refried beaners'.

 

by bigworm
8-30-10
The court is preparing to commit the same crime against myself that it has sentenced me to die for committing against the 'Avocado Nation'
Well?!?
Eye for an eye... puto!

 

by bigworm
8-30-10
Who was at the door?
One of those fags on a 10-speed, with a skinny leather saddle, trying to convert me.
He left a fruit-flavored pink condom with his name on it, and a pamphlet with instructions...
You mean like "...hold the tip while unrolling it down the shaft."?
No, like "...dispose of flamboyantly prior to use."

 

by bigworm
8-30-10
So it's like that is it?! I will not dishonor my country's palate by agreeing that I have dishonored the avocado. Guacamole is one of the foremost adjunct foods on my country's national menu!
Cierre la boca, pendejo! The 'Avocado Nation' will not tolerate your insolence. You are in contempt of court for having insulted the culinary integrity of the avocado!
But I swear I didn't!
You just got through saying that guacamole is one of the foremost junk foods in your country!
Can we get a dictionary?
What for? I know what 'junk' means!

 

by bigworm
8-30-10
This is not a court! This is a farce! I demand a fair trial! Where is the justice!?
In the spirit of true jurisprudence, this court of the 'Avocado Nation' will allow a 2nd opinion to be given by an unbiased, overseeing judge. Does this serve to satisfy your demands?
Yes, and may I thank the court for it's consideration.
No problem. The court will now hear a 2nd decision by the unbiased judge of great oversight!
Ole...! Puto!

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
Hey there Cowboy, gotcher' spurs on?
Yes maam, I do.
Are you going to remove them?
No maam, I'm not.
So then I said, "Do I look like Mr. (Fucking) Ed?" as I hoof-stomped him! Then I dragged him over to the slop-trough, and the pigs ate him for breakfast...
Wow! You showed him who's boss!

 

Father Popacorkaloose, you are to eat of this bush.
by bigworm, 8-31-10

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
So... you're the sweet child of God from whence the burning bush arises.
Yeh.
You're so young aren't you? I honestly didn't know such a young girl could even have a bush... let alone a burning one.
I don't have one anymore...
... now all I've got is my tender pink, tumescent, little girl labia.

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
So you were saying the bush was burned away, leaving only your tender pink, tumescent, little girl labia?
Uh huh.
Well... praise the Lord for that!
Hell yeh!
Now I don't have to shave anymore!

 

So you had been shaving your bush prior to it burning away?
Only when clients wanted it.
by bigworm, 8-31-10

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
Although your burning bush was indeed a miracle to behold, I do hope your tender, sweet, pink, tumescent, and ultimately suckable little girl labia are well.
They're pretty much alright... just a little singed maybe, but that's my fault.
No no no! Don't ever say that! You were an innocent instrument of God, sent to earth to show me your sweet little kiki.
Whatever...
... I'm not gonna' light anymore farts!

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
Just one aspect of the burning bush lingers as possible grounds for denying it the status of 'miracle'!
It sounds like a miracle! What question is there?
Well, I found out later that her bush caught fire because she was lighting a fart.
That my brother Father is the final certifying criteria, and leaves no doubt that it was a miracle!
?
It's the 'MIRACLE OF FARTIMA'!

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
Look into your own eyes. You are growing sleepy...
..and while you are growing sleepy...
... I am drinking your coffee.

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
I guess you'll want this letter...
Your wife asked me to deliver it to you on her dying gurney.
Alas, she expired before putting a stamp on it. Postage due is $0.44.

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
Father, is that you?
Yes my angel. I felt I should dress in my liturgical robes to protect you from evildoers.
I'm scared.
Quick... inside my robe...!!!!
Ok, but I should warn you... when I get that close to a cock... I suck it!
That's a risk I've got to take.

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
I've got the results of your physical if you'd like to discuss them.
You know I had some specific worries about certain unmentionable body parts.
Well, I've got good news in that regard. I have reason to believe that you do indeed have two testicles, even if neither of them reside in the scrotum.
And what about my 'groundhog'?
I'm pleased to report that he has gone into hibernation.
Great, 'cus I'll be takin' it up the ass tonight, and I'm gonna' pretend like it's my clit.

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
Uuhhhhhh... aaahhhhhhh... oooshhh! That's one!
aaaiiiiiiiiiii...oooohhhhh... shhh... ahhhh. That's two, and I need a break!
Curling these 'air dumbbells' is a whole lot harder than I thought it would be!

 

by bigworm
8-31-10
Hello 911?!! Help me please!!! One of Santa's elves has killed Santa and the other elves. Please send help immediately!!! He's ass raping me repeatedly! HELP!!!
Calm down maam, help is on the way. A dog-sled rescue team has already been dispatched. Now listen, you are in a very remote area, and it will take approximately 2 weeks to reach you.
Two WEEKS!??? What the fuck are you talking about? You need to get your...
Maam, calm down please! First and foremost is your survival! This is highly unusual, but I'm going to have to ask you to 'roll with the punches', until we can reach you!
Roll with the punches?!!! You fucking MORON!! He's not punching me, he's BUTT-FUCKING me!
Again maam... this is highly unusual. There is no 911 response protocol for this scenario, but asking you to 'roll with the punches' was not appropriate. I suggest that you 'gape with the thrusts'.

Showing page 10.

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