All comics by boorite

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by boorite
8-19-02
But God loves you.
I don't care if He buys me a pizza and gives me head while I eat it.
That's blasphemy.
Why, so it is.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by boorite
8-19-02
That idiot boorite found God and keeps trying to palm it off on me.
How much?
How much? It's free, stupid.
And you call yourself a Scotsman?

 

by boorite
8-19-02
That wanker Kajun says you have a God you need taken off your hands. How much?
Er.... free, I guess.
I'll take TEN!
Sorry, He's kind of an "only God."
No deal, then.
Rats.

 

by boorite
8-20-02
Hey, any QUEERS in the audience tonight?
Oh, uh, sorry, third row...
There goes my whole routine. G'nite, folks!

 

by boorite
8-20-02
What's up with the way black people drive? All down low in the driver's seat, like....
VVVRROOOOM! buhbuhbuhbuhbuh VROOOOM!
Gosh, this Apollo crowd is tough!

 

by boorite
8-20-02
And what's up with women? Why are they such bitches? Am I right, guys?
Guys?

 

by boorite
8-20-02
And have you ever had that dream where you forget your pants in the dressing room, and you're up on stage....
Shit, this is real, isn't it?

 

by boorite
8-21-02
We meet at last!
Gullet.

 

by boorite
8-22-02
Hello, IT? It's Boorite at the library. There seems to be a network outage.
Impossible. It must be something on your end. Have you installed the service pack?
Um, I actually saw the hubs exploding...
What version of Netware are you running? Just right-click the red N--
LOOK, I'M PICKING SMOLDERING PIECES OF HUB OUT OF MY HAIR!
Have you tried rebooting?

 

by boorite
8-22-02
OK, try running McAfee Virus Shield.
Does that put out fires?
What version are you running?

 

by boorite
8-22-02
Goddammit! That's it! I'm coming over there!
Uh, no, that's OK. I can put in a "problem ticket" for you...?
Fuck that noise! I'm on my way. 232 ECS Building, right?
Uh, wait!...
Somewhere in Tahiti
He's headed to the office! We are so hosed!
You said the idiots would never find out!

 

by boorite
8-23-02
What seems to be the problem?
These hemorrhoids, doc. Nothing helps. It's as if Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...
I see. Have you tried...
For Me--ee-ee!
For MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Beelzebub? No, I'm with Asmodeus. *poke* *poke*

 

by boorite
8-29-02
Welcome to Famous Writer's School. First I need to give you this aptitude test. It measures creativity and writing ability.
Hoss, my fuckin' toejam could write circles around the whole bunch of you fruits.
I'm sure that's true, but we have to do the test.
Did you like my metaphor?

 

by boorite
8-29-02
Fill in the blanks: "Ranger Jack shouldered his ____, scanning the skies for _____."
Celestron telescope, hot lesbian action.
Fill in the blanks: "Writing is not just ____ and ____. It takes a lot of hard ____."
Beer, whiskey, drugs.

 

by boorite
8-29-02
"Billowing clouds of ____."
Smegma.
"Judy ran like the ____."
Spraypaint.
"This taut thriller had me gripping the edge of my ____."
Wife's penis.

 

by boorite
8-29-02
"Could it be the John's entire ____ had been a ____?"
Famous Writer's School, scam.
You're not trying very hard.
I know. It just comes naturally.
I can't think of a punchline.
Me neither.

 

by boorite
8-29-02
What is a metaphor?
"You're a pansy."
Why, you--
No, that was my answer. It's an example of a metaphor.
Yes, I guess it is. OK. What is a simile?
"You're LIKE a pansy."

 

by boorite
8-29-02
Referring to military officers as "brass" is an example of what literary device?
Metonymy.
No, it's synecdoche: referring to the whole by one of its parts, like saying "wheels" for "cars."
But brass isn't part of the officer. It's just associated with him. So it's metonymy, like saying "suits" for "corporate droids."
By gosh, I think you're right. My apologies.
Synecdoche would be if I called you "limp-dick."

 

by boorite
8-29-02
You look a wee bit wobbly.
Nonsense. It's this fucking bench.
God damned garden furniture!
* klunk * Look, I just fell right off of it!
Let's teach it a lesson!
Right! Where'd it go?

 

by boorite
9-10-02
We have to win this Comic Cup. Think funny!
You're drinking a beer!
Clearly I am. Too obvious. I said "think."
Your pants aren't on.
Clearly they're not. Too obvious. I said "think."
I'm bald.

 

by boorite
9-13-02
Sir, would you like me to bring out your drinks first?
No, I want you to fuck them.
Before I bring out your entree?

 

by boorite
9-17-02
Last night, I challenged my mate to a wrestling match outside a pub, and I lost.
Did he slam your face in dog shit?
You were there?
Why didn't you say hello?

 

by boorite
9-27-02
Movie script idea: A guy wakes up each morning on garbage day, and he has to take out the garbage.
Instead of twice a week, it's every day. He always hears the truck coming. Plus, it's the same garbage. Every day. I call it "Garbage Day."
Bill Murray did this in "Groundhog Day."
No, this is "Garbage Day."

 

by boorite
9-27-02
Movie idea: Russell Crowe runs around the Colombian jungle in search of a sperm receptacle, otherwise known as Meg Ryan.
Then he fucks her and dies?
Yeah.
Does she laugh?
She laughs when he fucks her. Then she laughs even more when he dies.
Oh, a happy ending, then.

 

by boorite
9-27-02
I love the internet. Where else can you pay money for goods and services?
A retail outlet?
OK, but where else?
Yard sale? Pawn shop? Swap meet? Back alley? Flea market? Catalog? 900 number? Thrift store? Classified ad? Salvage yard? Police auction?
Fine, old wise man. But where else can you see moving pictures? With sound!

 

by boorite
9-29-02
Let's take LSD and go to a Mardi Gras parade!
But LSD fucks up your chromosomes or something.
No, it doesn't.
Oh.
OK, then.

 

by boorite
10-02-02
I want to wake up in a city that doesn't sleep, and find I'm top of the hill...
King of the crop!
Cream of the heap!
These vagabond shoes are longing to kick your ass.

 

by boorite
10-02-02
Start spreadin' the neeeewwwws....
Is there a chance you'd shut the fuck up?
Thanks.

 

by boorite
10-02-02
Your new alarm system is working fine.
It should be. I'm paying over thirty bucks a month for it.
It's deafening. I may not be able to hear your last words.
The police will be here soon.
What?

 

by boorite
10-02-02
Resistance is futile. I was a wrestler at the professional level.
So was I.
Down in Mexico.
They called me "El Pollo Loco."

 

by boorite
10-02-02
El Pollo Loco? "The Crazy Chicken?" How did you earn such a name?
I never cut my fingernails. Or my toenails. And I never cleaned them. And I screamed a lot.
How come I have never talked to anyone who has fallen before the pestilent toenails of The Crazy Chicken?
They all died of hepatitis.
Scratching is against the rules.
You have obviously never wrestled in Mexico.

 

by boorite
10-02-02
Dirty toenails are no match for a fire axe.
Look, are we going to make out all night or get busy with the mayhem here?
Think faster. The police will be here soon.

 

by boorite
10-02-02
Sorry, officer. False alarm. I was letting the dog out, and...
Are you sure you don't have an axe murderer in there, waiting to dismemebr you?
Ha ha. No sirree. No axe murderers here.
Because last time you left an awful mess.
That's done. Now where were we?
Can I go now?

 

by boorite
10-02-02
Please recall that I am the one who has the axe.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
No, it isn't.
You killed my father.
No, I didn't.
Prepare to die.

 

by boorite
10-02-02
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Stop saying that!
I love that movie.
Me, too. I must have seen it fifty times.
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
I really meant it when I said "stop saying that."

 

by boorite
10-02-02
Look, I gotta stop whoring around and chop you into pieces, or else people will talk.
Do your worst, asshole.
SOY EL POLLO LOCO, CABRON!
ow.

 

by boorite
10-02-02
This makes me think. Maybe I retired from Mexican wrestling too early.
Undoubtedly. You still have the stuff, kid.
You're right. But living in trailers, the booze, the groupies... is that any kind of life for me?
By the looks of you, it is.
What's that supposed to mean?
Hey, you asked.

 

by boorite
10-03-02
OK! I was hosing Butch's old lady. But I didn't kill him! I was gonna ask her to run away with me when my fortunes improved...
I got a newsflash for you, Spindle Britches. It doesn't get any better than this. It should, but it doesn't.
Your witness.

 

by boorite
10-08-02
May I help you?
Where are your romance manuals?
Always Coca-Cola!
Weapons of mass
5th floor.
Salvation is yours.

 

by boorite
10-15-02
I'm on a mission to spread the Gospel.
You twisted psychopath.
Son, do you even know what "Gospel" means?
I think it means "leprosy."
It means "good news!"
No, I think that's "glockenspiel."

 

by boorite
10-15-02
I assure you that "Gospel" means "good news."
If Gospel is good news, and no news is good news, then Gospel is no news.
That's wrong, but I don't know why.
Because it's fucked up.

 

by boorite
10-15-02
Try this one: No news is good. Gospel is news. Therefore no Gospel is good.
That sounds "fucked up" also.
No, actually it's valid.
Then I would have to challenge your premise that "no news is good news."
But Jesus said it.
No, He didn't.

 

by boorite
10-15-02
I should not argue about religion. Jesus bade us not to.
No, He didn't!
I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work.
It's right there in the Declaration of Independence.

 

by boorite
10-17-02
Napoleon Bonaparte
Sonny Bono
Romeo and Juliet

 

by boorite
10-17-02
Boy, was I disappointed when I woke up.
Shit. I was hoping it was real.

 

by boorite
10-17-02
click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click
click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click
click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click
click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click
click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click
Aw, crap.

 

by boorite
10-21-02
I heard you got a Nobel Prize.
No, that was the Law and Economics guy.
Right. I meant "you" as in George Mason University.
It's not a damned football trophy, you know.
YOU PUSSIES COULDN'T WIN A FOOTBALL TROPHY!

 

by boorite
10-26-02
I wonder if my lipstick matches your penis.
Do you think Jill finds me attractive?

 

by boorite
10-26-02
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, John Allen Muhammad--
GUILTY!
The defense rests.

 

by boorite
10-26-02

Showing page 10.

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