All comics by christopher7murphy

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You know? If you have such a bad cold, you really should be taking something for it.
It's a scientific fact, that there is NO cure for the common cold!
All of those medicines on the shop shelf just make department stores rich. The best they will do is relieve a symptom or two.
Well...If it weren't for the symptoms, I wouldn't mind having a cold.
-snorrrt- achoo- gaff-gaff-gaff-hacky! (Oh lord, I snot myself!)

 

This computer program is simple. Just pop the disc in and follow the prompts.
um...Okay.
?
?
Okay. I KNOW it said, "press ANY KEY to continue." But it didn't mean the OFF one.
IT NEVER SAID THAT!!!

 

And now, Ladies & Gentelmen, without any...
Hold it! We ran out!
Out? Out of what?
We ran out of Poop Jokes!
As I was saying, WITHOUT any further a-DOO....
Ran out? As if!

 

Wow! Your Coffee Shop is huge! It's so big, you have a coffee bar INSIDE your bathroom, inside your coffee shop!
Sir? This is a Agricultural Fertilization Clinic. We do artificial insemination on livestock.
Do you have a towel AND a breath mint?

 

Do you know what I like about you?
You're nuts!
What about them?

 

Okay! Let's go over it one more time.
It's "Stab, stab, stab. Dance, dance. Sing, tell a joke, fall down." Got it?
Now, now! What do we say?
Are you sure this is how Carol Burnet got into the business?

 

Okay. THIS is a rectal thermometer. If you can keep from making some lame joke about it, I will let you feel me up.

 

Hello? Is this the First National Bank of the FOREST?
Yes, it is.
Could I speak to Judy ELM?
I'm sorry, there is no one by that name who works here.
Oh, I'm sorry...I meant to call your other BRANCH.

 

Wedge of Cheese Productions bring you: Jesus, in........The Wizard of Oz.
There's no place like 'provolone!' There's no place like 'provolone!'
And don't miss Jesus as............Hamlet!
To 'brie,' or not to 'brie!'
And coming soon! Jesus in that Atomic Thriller from Japan:
King Kong vs 'Gorgonzolla!'

 

Ladies and Gentelmen, Stripcreator.com does not have a "Wedge of Cheese" as part of thier Prop Selection.
Consequently, thepart of Robin Williams will be played by Jesus, in a WEDGE OF CHEESE PRODUCTION:
GOOD MORNING 'PARMESAN!'

 

Do you have any books by authors that write like Daniel Steel...but without the sex?
Reading Daniel Steel's latest book really hurt my wrist.
I got carpal tunnel syndrome using a magic marker on all of the dirty words.

 

Mam? Let me get this correct...
Before you read a book, you go through it with a magic marker and cross out all the dirty parts?
Oh heavens, no! I CIRCLE them!

 

I have read all of Daniel Steel's books. But I always take a magic marker to the dirty parts before I read any book...and my wrist feels broken!
Tell me more about this Laura Corn book I hear about?
With Laura Corn, I think you might break a hip!

 

I have a complaint! You carry defective books!
I purchased one volume of "Birds of Iowa" and one volume of "Birds of Illinois." They are the SAME book with different covers!
Sir? Iowa and Illinois are right next to each other. The only thing that separates them is the Mississippi River.
Well....I KNOW THAT! But any doofus should know that BIRDS DON'T SWIM!

 

Ladies and Gentelmen, Stripcreator.com does not have a "Wedge of Cheese" as part of thier Prop Selection.
Cosequently, WEDGE OF CHEESE PRODUCTIONS present: Jesus! Starring in that classic fairy tale where happiness is but a Glass Slipper away!
Here is a musical selection:
'Mozzarella, Mozzarella!' All I hear is 'Mozzarella!' From the moment I get up, till shades of night are falling, There isn't any letup, I hear them calling, calling 'Mozzarella!'

 

I am determined to own a complete set of the"Birds of" each state. However, many of the volumes you sell are the same book with different covers.
Sir? Birds don't read. They are not restricted to state borders.
Publishers of such books attatch covers focusing on each state to appeal to local interest.
Oh! You're full of excuses, aintcha?

 

Miss Jones? Everytime I examine you, I find some sort of book stuffed up your rectum!
This time, I found both volumes of the complete Sherlock Holmes by Doyle!
mmm- I see what you mean.
A real MYSTERY!

 

Miss Jones! How could ANYONE have the desire to stuff reading material of any sort in thier own rectum is beyond me!
I mean, I am COMPLETELY in the dark!
Would a reading light help? Because I'm not totally against it.

 

Ladies and Gentelmen, Stripcreator.com does not have a "Wedge of Cheese" as part of thier Prop Selection.
Consequently, the part of Robert Preston will be played by Jesus, in a WEDGE OF CHEESE PRODUCTION:
Seventysix Trombones in the big parade!
Hey...where's the 'Cheese' in that?
Trombone equals...'LONGHORN!' Get it?

 

Welcome to the all Cheese Channel!
Tonight's line up includes: Everybody Loves 'Romano.' 'Morbier' She Wrote. The 'Curds' of the Mummy's Tomb. 'Swiss' Full of Dollars.
And of course, that 1960's classic: 'Muenster' Go Home!
What an 'Augratin' night for television!

 

My Son.
Did you get that nasty little bit of Cheese Humor out of your system?
Yes.
I guess I'm feeling a little 'Cheddar'...er...BETTER!

 

I just perfected a vaccine for raunchy sex jokes! Any volunteers?
It's like popping balloons and making babies!
All it takes is one little prick!
Ooooo! ME!

 

Thanks for calling the Book Store, how can I help you?
Which one is this?
Excuse me?
Which clerk are you? The bald one? The fat one? The tall one? Which? Which?
The very, very, very patient one.
Oh...you're the dumb one.

 

Okay. Do we have any last requests?
Well...I usually don't go this far on a first date.
...At least without dinner and dancing.
Well, Okay.....since you went to the trouble of dressing up.

 

Okay...I'll be gone for a week. Can I trust you?
Ya! Ya! "No parties. Don't forget to use a coaster. Don't escape. And don't forget to let the dog out."
I forgot my keys.
You didn't trust me! I saw you in the bushes!

 

What's cookin', Chef?
My own creation.
A spicy wine sauce made of Cranberries and Apples served over Fillet of Sole!
I call it "Crapple in a Boot!"

 

I've never had a two headed elephant as a patient before. What's the problem?
I have crap up my nose!
This strip is Rorschach approved!

 

In the name of World Peace, we have gathered all of the politicians, business leaders, moral leaders, and people of so called "great ideas."
We removed their heads and had them cryonicly frozen so they can still be around a thousand years in the future!
It's a great thing for humanity! However....
Now, what should we do with the left over heads?

 

When I heard my job would become obsolete when the new company bought the plant, I became concerned.
When Mr. Lewis heard about our plans to automate his job, he became rightfully concerned.
How dare they treat me like garbage! I have been working my shift for twenty three years!
Mr. Lewis became downright upset. It took quite a bit of reassurance on our part to convince him that he was still needed.
But the new owners promised that no one would be fired. That everyone who had a job that was being automated would still have a place!
We ate him.

 

What the!
wham-wham-wham
Stop that! Why are you putting a nail in your head?!
I'm BOARD.

 

Welcome to a special night on TV!
First it's 'CSI' and 'CSI Miami.' Then it's a very special 'Crossing Jordan' meets 'Quincy M.E.' WATCH IT! TONIGHT on......
HOLD IT!
?
I will not be backed into a CORONER!

 

Billions and billions of families!
All on ONE night! Without a stop!
How?
I pee myself.

 

911. Please state the nature of your emergency.
There's a BAT! A bat is in my house! Help me!
Mam, I am sorry. Emergency crews are needed for actual emergencies. Just shoo the bat out the window.
Shoo it?
What size do you wear?
I prefer sandels.

 

Um...The copy machine you sold me is broken. I want my money back.
No. You broke the machine when you sat on it to take a picture of your penis.
How do you know it's MY penis?
I remember why you returned the paper shredder.

 

So, Spock. The doctor tells me your Vulcan anatomy is unlike a humans.
Yes, Captain. My basic organs are located in positions quite different than yours. My heart is lower. My stomache is warped. And both livers are stretched out.
You might say I'm a Pablo 'Spock-caso!'
Grrr! One art history class and suddenly you're a Toulouse-'Startrec!'

 

Miss! Your restroom is filthy! It is unmaintained!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
?
But...we don't have a restroom.
Miss? You're out of toilet paper.

 

Bones, what's that piece of furniture against the wall?
It's a bed, Jim.
What color is that background?
It's red, Jim.
Where do you think this strip is going?
It's dead, Jim.

 

Book Sellers Rule: The older a male is, the more they giggle in packs. They seldom giggle when alone.
Excuse me, but you and your buddies will have to put down the sex books and leave.
Hey maaan! I'm over eighteen, dude! You can't stop us from reading!
Book Sellers Rule: If a group of men giggle in a bookstore, they are looking at dirty books.
Oh...I know you're twenty something. The giggling gives you away and it disturbs the other customers.
Book Sellers Rule: A bookstore is the only place in tha man's life where the term "giggle" is acceptable.
If you WERE underage, you would be sneakier.
-heheh- Dudes! She thinks I'm still in my twenties!-heheh-

 

Book Seller Rule: When in a book store, women will giggle in pairs.
Tell me more about this 'Curious George'?
Book Seller Rule: Or alone, when they are browsing through children's books they happen to find amusing.
It's a series of children's books about a little monkey that can't keep his hands off of things...and gets into trouble.
-Heheh-
Book Seller Rule: Or in large groups if they are talking about thier husbands.
Hey, ladies! They wrote a book about my husband!

 

There's a half eaten shark carcus slopped all over the boardroom table!
I'm not cleaning it up! I mean it!
Everyday I bring a dozen in and no one EVER saves me a jelly filled one!

 

Doctor! You gotta help me! Everytime I go to an Art Museum, I get physically aroused looking at American Impressionism.
I've been banned from all future exhibits!
My son, it is quite obvious that you suffer from 'Grant WOOD!'
I keep running into the fire alarms with it.

 

I just love going to the Art Museum!
I eat, sleep, and drink art! I even love the SMELL of the oils and acrylics!
Ewwww!
Artsy-Fartsy!

 

MUTANY! It's not fair!
I gave every man extra rations of turnups 'n grule, and you're tossin me overboard!
Arggg! That's the PLANKS I get!

 

Harry Potter is coming! Yay!!
I need a refund.
They better have that book on archaic herbs and spices!
Wow! I love this book...let me tell you why....
Next.
Will you stop goofing off and help me! You're a Book Store, Aintcha?

 

I HATE these midnight hikes in the woods!
I'll say! I can't see anything.
Can you hear those squishy sounds?
It sounds like you've stepped on dozens of toads!
It's hard NOT to step on one!
It wasn't easy to cram dozens of toads in your boot either!

 

Miss Jones! Your X-ray shows that you now have a painting of a Soup Can inserted into your...your...
My Warhol?
Miss Jones! You must STOP putting great works of art up your rectum!
Well...where else can they Van Gogh?
Your ass is NOT meant for great literature or art! What's next? Great music?
Do you want to hear Beethoven's final Movement?

 

Hey! Someone left a half eaten shark carcus flopped right where the client sits!
Does anybody know where it came from?
It really puts the fruit basket I sent to shame, doesn't it?

 

We, the city of Boston, REFUSE to accept the apologies of Aquateen Hunger Force!
Even if they pay restitution, city residence were made to look like boobs! And furthermore.... ARRRRRG! Its a BOMB!
Relax! It's just one of those Garfields that stick to a car window.

 

Can we agree that the advertising was not thought out carefully enough in these post nine-eleven times?
We said we were sorry. You showed the world that your bomb squads were top notch! You should be proud... ARRRRG! A BOMB!
ARRRRRG!
Just kidding...its my Swatch.

 

It's NOT enough. Payback is not enough. Sorry's are not enough!
The City of Boston demands more!.... ARRRRG! Its a BOMB!
-sigh-
No, that's Trim Spa, Baby! (You guys really need to get cable.)

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