All comics by mandingo

Profile

 

by mandingo
10-26-05
KNOCK KNOCK
who's there?
ANGRY BACON MAN!
angry bacon man who?
the fuck is my last name?
that German?

 

by mandingo
10-26-05
feed me, Seymour
I'M ABE VIGODA, BITCH!
feed me, Abe Vigoda
ABE VIGODA DOES NOT PARTAKE IN HORTICULTURE!
what about those plants you have under a hotlamp in your closet
NEXT QUESTION!

 

by mandingo
10-26-05
GROOWRRR!!! ABE VIGODA WILL CRUSH THESE TINY BUILDINGS BENEATH HIS MASSIVE FEET!
oh my god, honey! it's a giant! he's going to destroy our city! ... ... wait a minute, he looks familiar. who is that?
I'M ABE VIGODA, BITCH!
he says he's Abe Vigoda
AND THEN I CALLED YOU BITCH!
you've changed, Abe Vigoda!

 

by mandingo
10-26-05
I'M ANGRY BACON MAN!
I'M ABE VIGODA, BITCH!
WHAT?
can i have your autograph!
OH YOU!

 

by mandingo
10-27-05
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
Alright, go ahead.
PAT SAJAK IS A FAGGOT ASS HONKEY.
....correct.
now you said something about solving the puzzle?

 

by mandingo
10-27-05
nurse, i'd like you to go below me
WHAT?? GO BLOW YOU??
no, "go below me". down in radiology. i'd like you to go wait down there
oh
i'll be down in a minute and you can suck my cock

 

by mandingo
10-28-05
I'M SO HUNGRY! MUST EAT!
MUST EAT NOW!!!!!!!
Ted, could you go pick me up some Taco Bell?
FUCK OFF!

 

by mandingo
10-28-05
hmm...
don't even think about it, frenchy

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
I'M ABE VIGODA, BITCH!
HOW'S THAT BANANA!
good

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
hi my car broke down and i wanted to see if you'd let me club you to death and rape your corpse.
i mean, "use your phone"
sure!

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
hey, bub, i clocked you going 70 in a 45mph zone
where's the fire?

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
i vunt to suck your cock
i mean "blood"
how bout we kill two birds with one stone

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
Mr. Scott, you cumsickle, beam me out immediately!!!
did i say cumsickle?

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
so i said to Mr. Scott, "those rotor turbines are not going to generate gravitons by themself."
Ha, Ha!
funny

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
♫ never been a sinner, never sinned, i've got a friend in jesus ♫
oh, hi, Jesus!
hi, Joe.
it's Jon
right, right. i'll see you later, Jeff

 

by mandingo
10-29-05
how's your week been?
strange things keep happening to me. bizarre incidents that defy logic or reason. it's all really quite unsettling
KNOCK KNOCK
i'm sure it will get better
still going... and going... and going... and going...
Somehow... I think not...

 

by mandingo
10-30-05
destitute, homeless, my fiance left me, my friends won't talk to me, and my parents think i'm dead and buried in Argentina
goddamn that was a kickass bachelor party

 

by mandingo
10-30-05
how'd you turn into a no good lazy drunken bum, Mr. Bob?
well, Timmy, let me tell you
a leech sucking on the lifeblood of society, a little man with little dignity. a parasite, relying on the good will of others to survive, not a man, not really, more like a bug or rat, living in trash
told you i could make him cry
double or nothing on Widower Jones

 

by mandingo
10-31-05
when Julie's grandma died, Julie inherited her grandmom's Alfa Romeo. she loved her grandma very much and passed that love onto the Alfa Romeo.
but one day the Alfa Romeo was stolen. it was never found and Julie cried and cried.
finally, she decided the only way to make it better would be to buy a car she really liked and pass that same love onto it. so she saved and saved, working for years, finally able to afford a corvette
she passed the love she had for her Alfa Romeo onto that corvette, caring for it with all her heart. but one day it too was stolen, never to be found. Julie cried and cried, and had every right to
for never was a story of more woe
than this of Julie's Vet and her Alfa Romeo

 

by mandingo
11-01-05
Abe, we really need to work on your sensitivity training
I'M ABE VIGODA, BITCH!
see! that's the problem right there. you can't go around calling people BITCH. it's a derogatory term for women.
I'M ABE VIGODA, WHORE!
no, Abe.
I'M ABE VIGODA, CUNT?

 

by mandingo
11-01-05
who are you?
I'M ABE VIGODA, PERSON!
haha, did you just call me Person!
¨ˆ
hey, you okay, mister?
¨ˆ

 

by mandingo
11-01-05
back through the portals of time, Abe flew. back to his childhood. back to the exact moment it happened
heya, little boy, wasa wrong? you lose your momma and your papa? it's okay. just tell me your name and i'll finda them for you.
*sniff sniff* i'm... *sniff sniff* I'm... *sniff* I'M...
I'M ABE VIGODA, BITCH!

 

pass the nigger kike chink gook wop mick spick
by mandingo, 11-01-05

 

by mandingo
11-01-05
i wonder if Ted is gay.
i came up with a foolproof plan to find out. i'm going to walk up to him and say, "the guy who's had his dick in your mouth is on the phone." if he takes the call, he's gay. if he doesn't, he's not.
grampa?

 

by mandingo
11-02-05
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, YOU FUCK! YOU NO GOOD, FUCK! YOU BOUNCED CHECK AT THE SPERM BANK!
YOU WHORE OF A NEIGHBOR, YOU BITCH OF A MAN, YOU CRUSTY COCKRING ON THE DONG OF THE AIDS MONKEY!
not a fan of Snickers, i take it

 

it's a little known fact that the Donner Party still took time out to celebrate Halloween...
trick or treat!
now, don't go eating this all at once, Jimmy
by mandingo, 11-02-05

 

by mandingo
11-05-05
if he switches to Sprint now, he'll save 40% on his first month of long distance
well, if he switches to AT&T, he'll save 50% on all out-of-state calls
well if he switches to Sprint, he'll get rollover minutes at no additional charge!
well, if he switches to AT&T, he'll get free local calls forever!
WELL IF HE SWITCHES, TO SPRINT, HE WON'T HAVE TO PAY YOUR GODDAMN OVERAGE FEES!
OH NO YOU DI'NT!

 

by mandingo
11-10-05
It had been 3 weeks since we'd found Ping safe and sound at that truckstop, selling herself as a cock depository for loose change or the odd bag of cornnuts. But still... something was bothering me.
It's this damn narrative box! It follows me around, feeling the need to encapsulate everything I say and tie it up in a nice little bow.
I was obviously delirious. Narrative Box is all things to all people. It is a godsend, an anchor to the story, and... if I may say so... quite the lady's man.
Great, now it's rambling on about its sexual prowess.
Narrative Box does not ramble, sir! Narrative Box is quite eloquent in its speech and... hey! What are you doing??
So, Doc, you think you can saw out the part of my brain that harbors the narrative box?
Fuck if I know! I'm just looking forward to the ride!

 

by mandingo
11-11-05
fuzzyman, we won our Comic Cup match! hold me!
um, no.
fuzzyman?
yes?
hold me.
did you just lock the door?

 

by mandingo
11-15-05
jesus, christ, where'd you get the fat lip? you look like Jimmy Walker on all-you-can-eat rib night
oh yeah?! well... i got it from your mom!
did you just try to insult me by saying my mom kicked your ass?
well?
give me a minute

 

by mandingo
11-18-05
oh, my god, that was dad on the phone. mom's car went off a cliff... she's... she's dead
oh my god, mom's dead???
i can't believe this, i feel so empty, so unbelievably empty
oh my god!!! no!!! why god why!!!
and grandma was in the car too!!!
i'm going to throw up

 

by mandingo
11-20-05
Why is it that Hugh Grant had to get his knob polished by a hooker when he had Elizabeth Hurley?
And why is it that in every movie he does, Hugh Grant is dressed in a suit, with tie off and collar unbuttoned?
And why the fuck am I always thinking about Hugh Grant?

 

by mandingo
11-20-05
what did the Jersey cow say to the New York Senator?
i don't know, what?
moo

 

by mandingo
11-23-05
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are we looking at?

 

by mandingo
11-23-05
this is the greatest day ever! i got a raise, Ellen agreed to be my wife, and i won 500 dollars in the lottery!
my joy, so apparent to all, must be shining through like the first ray of sunlight on a clear day!
and my obvious expression of joy declares to everyone that sees me that nothing could ruin this day! nothing!
RAAAARRR!!! SINGLE EXPRESSION ROBOT, THOUGH QUITE UNDERSIZED FOR THE TASK, WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!

 

by mandingo
11-24-05
You gonna go back for seconds?
No, I try to watch how much I eat.
Me too.
If it's ham, I try not to even blink!

 

by mandingo
11-26-05
i arrived at the Evil Mutant Cucumber Army's apartment building and deftly manuevered my way up to the 12th floor undetected.
but just as i was approaching their center of operatins, i rounded a corner and found myself staring at the entire Cucumber army.
"THROW HIM DOWN THE LAUNDRY CHUTE!" the Cucumber Lord commanded.
and that's about where we are

 

by mandingo
11-27-05
ABSOLUTELY NO SUNBATHING!
are you sure i'm in the right place? i led a good life
60 years ago. the burn ward. take a seat.

 

by mandingo
11-28-05
so then he picks the guy up by his tights, bodyslams him, puts him in a sleeper hold till he passes out, and then starts taking his tongue to the ring.
taking his tongue to the ring? what the fuck kind of wrestling were you watching?
wrestling?
i'm talking about the Tom Sizemore video

 

by mandingo
12-01-05
man, i'm bored as FUCK
me too
let's mix together every chemical compound we have, inject it into one of those monkeys and watch the little fucker explode
i love you more everyday
later...
the simian bastard isn't exploding! and i'm STILL FUCKING BORED
hey, you know what would be a hoot? if we released him into the wild!

 

by mandingo
12-01-05
oo, bad news. remember that monkey we released into the wild last month?
how can i forget? that was the day you proposed!
well i ran some bloodwork on him before i let him go and it seems that.. with the best of intentions mind you.. it seems we inadvertently created a virus with the capacity to destroy all life on earth
HOLY FUCK! i knew that shifty little bastard couldn't be trusted once he refused to explode!
how can we ever redeem ourselves to mankind??
we'll make the reception open bar

 

by mandingo
12-01-05
hey, great fucking news!
what is it!
the virus can't be passed on airbourne, or through contact! in fact, get this! the only way it can be passed on is through sexual relations!
so that means... HOORAY! the human race is saved! ... ... ... unless of course...
what's a fine looking simian like you doing in a jungle like this?
teehee *blush*

 

by mandingo
12-01-05
Well, I'm afraid I have bad news.
???
You've got AIDS.
What the hell?! I don't remember having a doctor's appointment today!
You don't have a doctor's appointment. You're passed out in front of your computer, just having realized you have AOL.
That sucks!

 

by mandingo
12-05-05
i wrote this one back in 1983. me and my highschool sweetheart had been fighting so i decided to write something that expressed how i truly felt about her
Jenny, my love, this is for you...
A priest, a rabbi, and a whore walk into a bar...

 

by mandingo
12-07-05
hi, Mr. Williamson. i'm Tommy's Choir teacher. i asked you in today to tell you i really think your son has a beautiful ass.
really? i always thought my son's ass was a little flat.
oh no his ass is perfect. in fact i'd like permission to keep Tommy after class so i can give his ass my full attention. i'll work his ass so hard, he'll be hitting high notes he didn't think possible
well i'll be. he must get that from his mother. she's got the prettiest ass to be found, as you might know since she goes around every christmas sharing it with the town. but Tommy's ass? really?
oh yes. it's quite exquisite. we should both try to tap into his natural talent. both give his ass the time and effort it deserves. after all, the more we put into his ass, the more we will pull out
i agree completely. i'll tap that ass as soon as i get home tonight

 

by mandingo
12-07-05
well, Mr. President, me and the boys worked real hard and finally found the Christmas present we think you'll like
gimme gimme gimme!
OSAMA??
no, actually i'm Mustu Bin Laden, Osama's 2nd cousin, twice removed
close enough! fire up the wood chipper, boys!

 

by mandingo
12-07-05
2003...
a sunless tanning spray??
for the underside of your arms
2004...
a How-To book about surviving in the hood?? i live in a 300,000 dollar house in the suburbs.
well this will give you something to fall back on when affirmative action gets repealed
2005...
let me guess, a 5-day, 4-night trip to scenic Richmond Virginia, the highlight of which will be a stop off at The Museum of the Confederacy, followed by a buffet at Klan headquarters.
you peeked!

 

by mandingo
12-17-05
Hey, Jon. Want to go see a jazz combo with me?
I'd love to!
Great! I'm so glad I found someone who will go with me!
Oh, absolutely! I love it! I can't wait to pay money to see ganja-infused amateurs fuck around mindlessly with tired old standards for four hours...
I did it again.
I win the pool!

 

by mandingo
12-31-05
I'm still stuck in Kuwait until the 13th of January. And I had to spend my 21st birthday over in this shithole. Talk about bad luck.
you think that's bad luck, i just had a guy roll double 6s on me THREE times in one game of backgammon.
i mean OUCH, right? luckily i have all my friends and family around to console me. i'd be lost without them for one minute, let alone, say, oh i don't know, just off the top of my head, 2 weeks.
i invited some of your friends and family over too. mom and dad say hi and grandma Bess made your favorite -- Walnut Pie. i'll make sure to save you some pictures of your fiance feeding it to me.

 

by mandingo
1-03-06
hey, Bill, guess who came out of the closet today?
i can explain! he might look like that migrant worker's missing son, but he's really my nephew from Madrid. and those bruises on his ass and thighs might look suspicious but
i'm talking about Tom, the 4th grade teacher. he announced he was gay today. the whole town's in an uproar
so about that migrant worker's son...
it was Tom.

Showing page 10.

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