All comics by DexX

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by DexX
7-09-02
What the... where am I? I'm lost in a bizarre shifting world of incoherent forms.
This is your own mind, and I am your subconscious. I have brought you deep within your own psyche to give you a warning!
Okay... you're me. I get that. One question...
...who is the freak behind me?
I am your unacknowledged latent homosexuality. Don't mind me.

 

by DexX
7-09-02
Okay, I ran. Now that we're in this dark alleyway, you wanna tell me how a figment of my imagination is out and about in the real world?
It's hard to explain.
Try.
Okay... It all geins back when you werw a tadpole...
Tum te tum...

 

by DexX
7-09-02
What does God cry out at the moment of orgasm?
If there is one thing that you don't get better at with practice, it's probably suicide.
If the whole world is insane, does that mean that only those deviant sane people are locked up in asylums?
Do you think dogs only ever lick their genitals because they're dirty?
If you think you made a mistake, but it turns out you were wrong, does that mean you actually made a mistake, and were therefore right?
Would an elephant be afraid of another elephant dressed in a mouse costume, or is it s size thing?

 

by DexX
7-09-02
You mean...
Yes...?
I'm George W Bush's long-lost illegitemate love child, conceived in a night of passion with Zsa Zsa Gabor?
Uh... no, I don't think you got it. Let me try again...

 

by DexX
7-10-02
Hello, my name is Steve.
If you have some time, I'd like to tell you about the worst day of my life.
It began with the alarm...
*beep-beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep*

 

by DexX
7-10-02
It was bizarre - some things in the room were visible, and other (myself included, sadly) were not.
My clothes were in the latter category. After ten minutes wrestling with invisible fabrics, I figured I could go naked. Hey, I was invisible, right?
Then I glanced out the window.

 

by DexX
7-10-02
My invisibility-induced problems continued, even after discovering that my chair was also invisible.
*k-thunk!* UUUUuunnghh!!! Damn, that hurt...
You see, although I had been a computer nut for over a decade...
hjtrp'";:qwqweww
Grrrrr....
...I had always been too lazy to learn how to touch-type.
hjtrp'";:qwqweww,.ASDk

 

by DexX
7-10-02
I finally had a bright idea - I fumbled around for a felt-tipped pen and clumsily scribbled ink all over each of my fingertips.
Right, this should help.
Sure enough, it worked. I could see my fingertips clearly enough to type with reasonable accuracy.
*takkity-tak-tak*
Aaaah, better...
Of course, when the ink rubbed off my fingers and obscured the letters on most of the keys... Oh, I did mention I can't touch-type, didn't I?
DAMN IT!

 

by DexX
7-10-02
I will say this much: invisible mucus is an amazing thing.
What the...?
aaah-TCHOO!!!
The cop couldn't see it, but I could tell from his expression he rapidly shrank into the distance that he could certainly feel it.
Ugh!!! What is this!?!? GAH!!!
...aaatchoo!
A few seconds later, I rolled into the middle of the street. I wasn't a religious man, but sometimes...
ARGH!!! Hail Mary, full of grapes... uh... the log be with you... Oh NOOO!

 

by DexX
7-10-02
For the first time that day, I was seen by the eyes of another human being, coated in my own mucus, which was now inexplicably visible.
I can explain, officer.
Uh-huh.
Two conflicting streams of thought filled my head. Part of my mind was puzzling over the appearance (and now, it seemed, disappearance) of my bodily fluids.
Well, you see... uh...
I'm waiting.
Luckily, the second stream of thought - "run away from the policeman I showered in mucus" - proved to me more dominant.
...hello?

 

by DexX
7-10-02
Agh! I can't bear to watch!
AAAAARRRGHHH!!!!!!!
RAAARRR!!! TOBOR WILL IMPLANT CHIP IN YOU!!!
Seconds later...
Same time next week, sweetie?
Sure thing!

 

by DexX
7-10-02
That makes no sense at all... if you are part of the government agency that torments me, why are you trying to help me?
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
No. It makes no fucking sense at all.
Hmmm... you're right... it's like our destinies are controlled by two different and opposing deities who have no idea in advance what they are_going_to_do_to_us...
Your turn.

 

by DexX
7-11-02
Don't mind Butch. He's just doing his Christmas chopping...
AAAARGH!!!

 

by DexX
7-11-02

 

by DexX
7-11-02
*ding dong!*
Crap, is that more Jehovah's Witnesses?
Just a minute! I'm not dressed.
Handy hints #12: How to get rid of religious doorknockers.
Grrr!
AAAARGH!!!

 

by DexX
7-11-02
- Part 2 -
Unghh...
I came to on the floor of a brightly lit room, stark white room. The only feature was a large mirror, recessed into one wall. I was fairly certain there was someone watching me...
Hello? Anyone in there?
Unfortunately, I was right.

 

by DexX
7-11-02
- Part 2 -
Unnghh...
I came to on the floor of a brightly lit, stark white room. The only feature was a large mirror, recessed into one wall. I was fairly certain there was someone beyond it, watching me.
Anyone there? Can I get some food?
Unfortunately, my suspicions were 100% correct...

 

by DexX
7-11-02
Camp Crystal Lake has a death curse! You're doomed if you stay!
Yeah, yeah... hey, who's that in the woods? Oh it's you! Hello th- ARGH!!! *gurgle*
Ha! Got your machete, bitch!
Aaaaagghh- *thud!*
The police! I'm saved!
RAR!

 

by DexX
7-11-02
Ugh... what a horrible dream! What on earth could make me dream about Mary Poppins, and being a lizard-headed freak?
I'll go brush my teeth. That'll make me feel a bit more human. Oh... no... the mirror!
NOOOOOO!
NOOOOOO!

 

by DexX
7-11-02
My son was right... I definitely just heard a noise outside his bedroom window.
Ah-HA!
Hello, sorry to disturb you. I was just retriving my cat. He wanders sometimes.
Uh... we're on the fifteenth floor. You're on my balcony.
Goodness, is that the time? Gotta go...

 

by DexX
7-11-02
That bastard with the cat must have stolen my son! Dead! That bastard is fucking DEAD!!!
Right, now I'm going to find that sack of shit, chop him into fucking DOG FOOD and get my song back...
Maybe this was a bad time to hide under the bed as a joke on Dad...

 

by DexX
7-11-02
Since it had worked for my arm, I tried pressing my head against the bizarre mirror. I felt it slowly give way in front of me...
I found myself looking into a small, dim room. When I saw who I had for company, I naturally recoiled.
Agh!
Grrrr...
I had shed my invisibility at a time when I probably needed it the most.
Oh, the irony...
...ynori eht ,hO

 

by DexX
7-14-02
Must... hold... in...
Hey there! What's up with he mask?
It's so nobody will be able to identify me when I cut out-
Eww!!! Your brain is falling out your right ear! Gross!!!
Damn these loose brains.

 

by DexX
7-15-02
So... looks like Bazilla won.
*sigh*
I'm not usually one for mercy killings, but...

 

by DexX
7-15-02
However, the only way to obtain this ten million dollar inheritance is to... not kill, torture, maim, or otherwise hurt anybody for one week.
Oh, you lucky bastard. Shit, now what will I do with my afternoon?
Hello there! I am a single white female, walking along on a deserted street at night. How are you, ominous mask-wearing man?
Ten million dollars... _$10,000,000_ Visualise how many chainsaws you could buy with that... Stay good...
...and then I beat DexX in the comic cup, making me, like, God or something. I need some kind of victory song. What do you suggest? What would your song be?
It's so hard to stay good in a corrupt world. Besides, would anybody notice if he was gone?

 

by DexX
7-15-02
This is really uncomfortable. Why don't you come over my side so we can talk?
Not possible, I'm afraid. Back up and I'll show you.
AAAAAAAAARGH!!!
This is what that damned mirror does_to_me
taht tahw si sihT rirrom denmad em_ot_seod
!!!HGRAAAAAAAAA

 

by DexX
7-15-02
Meanwhile, in a nearby apartment...
What have you done with my son!!!
Gack! Tell my cat... I love her...
Meanwhile in a different nearby apartment...
Oh my (fallen) angel! The child is finally asleep, and my husband is out killing again. We can make love!
Can't we snuggle for a while and talk?
Meanwhile at the North Pole...
...and then they went on with some storyline about Jesus and Brad restarting the universe.
After all the hard work we did starting this damned series? Inconsiderate bastards!

 

by DexX
7-15-02
Oh yeah!!! OH YEAH!!!! Give me you flaming demonic phallus!!! YES YES YES!!! You're so evil!!! You're so evil!!!
Phew! Want a beer?
Yeah, thanks.
I really wish those twats would check to see if the bed is empty first.

 

by DexX
7-15-02
So, there I was... invisible except for my head and one arm, on board a plane that was going down.
Correction: completely invisible on a plane that was going down. What was there for me to do?
*pop!*
Well, obviously...
Liquor cart!

 

by DexX
7-15-02
Come on, my red hot sexy momma. Let's get it on!
Oh, you really are mummy's little boy! Let me show you how-
STOP! I am Jerry Falwell, self-appointed guardian of the morals of America! I cannot allow this depravity to continue. This poor, sweet, innocent child is-
Look out, Jerry - the poor sweet innocent one just got a cleaver from the kitchen.
AARRRGHH!!! *thwack!* Stop! *gurgle* Pleeeease!!! *thwack!* Urgh... *thwack!*
He really is a chip off the old block, that boy...

 

by DexX
7-15-02
Don't tell me you were never curious about why the taste of Dad's-
SHHH!!! I hear something! ...oh no! Your father's home! HIDE!
Fuck. I'm stumped. I looked everywhere in that guy's apartment (and just in that guy) but I couldn't find our boy.
That's terrible. AFter failing so badly as a husband and father, I bet you want to just leap off this balcony to your death, right?
Actually, I thought some ice cream and a few hours of The Disney Channel might cheer me up.
Yecchh... just don't ask me to wear that Daisy Duck costume again tonight. The feathers tickle.

 

by DexX
7-15-02
Hey! This is my story! I am not going to be upstaged by some concentrated beverage. Where was I...?
Yuck! I hate Bloody Mary!
Look, you drank me, so I am not part of the story. So... there I was in this invisible gimp's stomach...
Ewww...
Uh... I think you broke it.
Nonsense, I know precisely where this is going. Oh, you forgot the narration again.

 

by DexX
7-15-02
I represent PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! I object to the duck reference in the previous strip!
DIE!!!
I represent PETPETAM - People for the Ethical Treatment of PETA Members, and I-
DIE!!! (also)
I have your two large pizzas here.
When will you fuckwits learn???

 

by DexX
7-15-02
*gack!* Son... why?
Oh, lighten up, Dad. I'm a kid, and kids always rebel against their parents. It's a natural part of growing up.
*choke* You stabbed me through the throat with... *gasp* ...a waffle cone!
...then jabbed it through your left eye. Don't forget that.
If my right hand wasn't fully occupied holding my loose brains in right now, you'd be getting one helluva spanking!
Pfft - your brain fell out years ago.

 

by DexX
7-15-02
...so Butch Junior, with his new-found good looks, became a star,
I'd like to thank the members of the Academy, my parents, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein...
However, he always respected his father's memory...
ARGH!
Cop that, homeless bum!
That's probably why he finally got the chair.
Roll on two!
*BZZZZZT!!!*

 

by DexX
7-15-02
Mother! Are you okay?
Oooh, yummy! Look at this sexy hunk of man!
Phew, you seem pretty normal. That ghost was-
Come on, gorgeous! Let's go do some aerobics, indulge in some sodomy, then go shopping for china figurines!
God, no!!! My mother has been possessed by... RICHARD SIMMONS!!!
Come on! Work it! Keep it moving, girls!

 

by DexX
7-16-02
You know those stupidly improbable things that crop up in movies, where the hero is saved from certain death by an unbelievable set of circumstances? The ancient Greeks called it Deus Ex Machina.
Sadly, nothing like that happened in my case.
Reality sucks.
End of Part 2

 

by DexX
7-16-02
Boring neighbourhood... Time to go find some boys.
Grrr, no luck here either - no boys in the 'hood.
I'm alone on the planet - heartache all over the world. Oh well... at least I got some wood. Time to learn how to whittle...

 

by DexX
7-16-02
My invulnerability was only temporary, as I suddenly found (thanks to a large bus).
I was treated to a brief repeat of the sensations of high-velocity flight, and then...
ow
...I suddenly found myself hoping that the incompetent dictionary editor had mixed up the definition of "inviolable" as well.
*thud!*
RAAARRR!!! PENETRATIONS FROM HEAVEN!!!

 

by DexX
7-17-02
The two Greenies beat the living shit out of me. Well, no, that's not quite accurate... They beat out of me what Tobor had put in. You might say that they beat the tar out of me.
Ow.
Despite my pain, I had a qustion for them: Aren't environmentalists supposed to be pacifists?
You kidding? I love trees and all, but people suck!
Yeah! We're not like some stupid hippies or something.
They wandered off down the street, carrying their buckets of steaming robojism, and I was left lying in the street, leaking from every opening...
Did I mention "ow"?
My god, this film is depressing. I told you we should have watched the Crocodile Hunter movie.

 

by DexX
7-17-02
William Shakespeare wrote that the world is a stage, and we are all actors playing minor roles, or something like that.
William forgot to mention that the stage was also suddenly inhabited by an amorous tentacular beast, that proceeded to ravish me mercilessly.
Gack!!! Get it away! Get it away!
And to think, I used to like Ray Harryhausen movies.

 

by DexX
7-17-02
I was stumped. This whole horrific day had been caused by my inexplicable invisibility. I climbed into the police officer's now abandoned car and started to drive home, pondering my predicament.
Suddenly, a method of getting information about the causes of my situation came to mind. It was a cliche, but cliches are often effective...
Worked like a charm.
Well, gee... I guess I'll NEVER work out why I woke up invisible this morning...
Shh!!! You must listen to me - I want to help you! I have information about why you woke up invisible this morning!

 

by DexX
7-18-02
You're not glowing. I just opened the fridge door.
Oh...
...and that isn't an ominous black helicopter we can hear - it's my faulty air conditioner.
Oh...
Now, could you kindly tell me the real reason why I am invisible, skipping the X-Files bullshit this time?
Spoilsport.

 

by DexX
7-24-02
I'm jealous, Obi. I wish I could afford to fly over and visit you guys in January.
We could hold a fundraiser.
Ooh, we could sell chocolates!
...or our souls.
No, wait... CHOCOLATE SOULS!

 

by DexX
7-25-02
Uh... YOU are my blind date?
Yup. I'm Wendy! Can I come in?
Sure, take off your tie if you're uncomfortabe. Why are you taking me down into the cellar? Seems like a strange place to- *ACK!*
Hush.
*sigh* Here I am again, digging another ass hole...
Does this mean you don't want to see me again?

 

by DexX
7-25-02
Look! Look! I invented the wheel!
Uh, sorry to break this to you, but the wheel has been around for quite a while now...
Well, yeah, but I am a highly-evolved talking gorilla. Surely that counts for something?
I suppose so, but... gorilla?
I spend a fortune on waxing.
I'll bet.

 

by DexX
7-25-02
So, did you hear about the chubby New Yorkers who are suing every fast food chain in sight for making them fat?
Idiotic. They will win, of course. No human being has ever been told that eating lots of fast food will make you fat.
No, of course not.
Maybe they should have warning labels on the wrapper, saying it should only be taken orally. Hmmmm, that gives me an idea...
"In latest news, a Canadian man is suing KFC because of second degree burns to his anus and rectum caused by hot oil on a chicken_drumstick..."
You magnificent bastard!

 

by DexX
7-29-02
However, the most shocking is still to come. This tape contains the most damning evidence of all.
Hi there. My name's... uh, Denise. I'm looking for a sweet, understanding man who can deal with a wild, exciting relationship.
Let's see... I like surfing, jogging in the countryside, and bringing down shadowy quasi-government agencies. Uhmmm... Oh, I'm a Scorpio.
Uh... you didn't see that.
Pfft... Scorpio. It figures.

 

by DexX
7-29-02
Heya, crabsticle. I'm bored with this storyline. Do you mind if I do another one of those abrupt non sequiturs and take it in a whole new direction?
Nah, that's fine. Let's see... Okay... how about it turns out that the whole serial killer storyline is somebody's nightmare?
Uh... it's a sentient microphone who works for the people who cloned dolly the sheep. It wakes from some kind of coma, finding itself onstage, about to be sung into by... uh.... Meg Ryan!
What the fuck? Where am I?
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...
I worry about you sometimes, mate.
...but_she_never_gets the chance to sing, because the reanimated corpse of Abraham Lincoln suddenly appears, demanding immediate gangbang action!

 

by DexX
7-29-02
Thank you for your patience, but my story is not yet over. You may recall that I mentioned that this is the story of the worst day of my life. Well, incredibly, that day was not over...
*arf! arf!*
Only eleven hours had passed since I had been roused by my alarm. I had no way of knowing, as I slowly regained consciousness, that evening was about the fall on the worst day of my life.
*sniff sniff sniff* *arf!*
The fog in my head slowly cleared, and I found myself staring at a beautiful sky. Sadly, that view was blocked by the head of the ugliest dog I have ever seen. It was sniffing my head.
*sniff sniff snuffle sniff*
Whatchoo found there, Rex ol' boy?

Showing page 11.

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