All comics by TheGovernor

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by TheGovernor
6-05-13
Left down a tad
Ok right down
Smidge more to the right
There you go
Thanks for the help hanging these paintings

 

by TheGovernor
1-09-14
Cucumber sandwiches check; mini hot dogs check; chicken nuggets check, single size quiche portions check....
Aha! Take this deli meat platter and corn-on-the-cob you undead fiend!
Aghhh!
That's right, never mess with "Buffet the Vampire Slayer"

 

by TheGovernor
3-14-14
Im afraid we dont have the item you pre-ordered in stock
What? I ordered it months ago. Don't get me angry, you wouldn't like me when Im angry
Be that as it may, Im sorry sir we cant fulfil your order so either I'll have to give you a refund or you can wait until next week
RARRRR! HULK MAD!
HULK WRITE STRONGLY WORDED BUT POLITE LETTER TO CORPORATE HEAD OFFICE

 

by TheGovernor
4-10-14
Abe Vigoda, it's time to meet your maker
You've got the wrong man, I'm.... Mickey Rooney, Yeah Mickey, that's it! IMDB must have our photos mixed up.
My mistake, sorry for scaring you.
No problem Death, happens all the time, like two peas in a pod me and Mick.. I mean Abe.
*Psyche!*

 

by TheGovernor
4-10-14
God damn it, I just got back from heaven and that was Mickey Rooney, the boss was not impressed
You must have misheard, I'm Jim Hellwig, also known in the Wrestling circuit as 'The Ultimate Warrior', see here's my id.
Ok that checks out I guess I'll be on my way.
*sucker*
Let me get this straight, Mickey Rooney I could understand, but you're telling me you couldn't tell the difference between a professional wrestler and a 93-year-old actor?

 

by TheGovernor
5-22-14
*Rarrrr Im Godzilla!* Run Bitches!
Hey yo Mr.White, this Meth is the SHIT!
Damn it Jesse
What did I say about sampling the product?

 

by TheGovernor
6-05-14
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy....
Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment?
Tasted pretty good though

 

by TheGovernor
6-17-14
Four fingers of wine please
Sorry we only serve glasses in standard measures
Ok I'll have a hand of wine then.

 

Just remember, everyone you love is made of stardust
And by that rationale so is everyone I hate, so really all you're saying is the universe is nothing more than an even money douche bag crap shoot.
by TheGovernor, 6-24-14

 

Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars
Actually you'll likely end up in a large elliptical orbit of the main planetary body and die a cold lonely death as your life support and oxygen slowly run out
by TheGovernor, 6-27-14

 

by TheGovernor
8-05-14
Everyone knows about my apprentice Plato
No-one ever seems to remember my other three students though...
...Knifo, Forko and Spoono

 

by TheGovernor
10-13-14
Whenever anyone tells me how impossibly old their pet is, the cynic in me always starts to wonder...
My cat Mittens is great, she's 23 years old and still going, Im guessing in cat years that's a lot
I bet she acted a little different after you came back from Summer camp about twelve years ago?
I ran over the cat on the driveway Martha, I didn't see it. What will we tell Alice? She's due back next Sunday
I'll find the number for the pet store, you measure it, take a photo, and then bury the corpse in the back yard under the rosebush.
Now that you mention it, she was kind of aloof for a while, wait how did you know I went to summer camp when I was little?
Just a hunch

 

by TheGovernor
11-12-14
We try to be a green company around here, this building is actually powered entirely on bullshit
Really?
Damn, the power's out, quick say something that's totally bullshit
America's private insurance based healthcare system is clearly a better funding model than western Europe's socialised system
Great work, that should keep us going 'till noon
Ever thought of simply popping a tv in the corner with Fox News on?

 

by TheGovernor
1-20-15
72, 25, 38, 3......
What are you doing?
I'm flicking to various pages in 'Atlas Shrugged' in order to generate lottery numbers
Essentially it's a Rand-om number generator

 

by TheGovernor
3-18-15
We're having an Irish Party for 'Paddys day, you're supposed to be wearing something green, not any old fancy dress.
Well I thought I'd dress as something that exemplifies the Irish experience,
so I've come as a Pint of Guinness

 

Hello 911, I'd like to report a burglary
Sorry lady, you dialled 611, We deal with Australian crimes only such as Mel Gibson's ongoing career
by TheGovernor, 5-20-15

 

by TheGovernor
5-22-15
"RULE 3 DISPLAY YOUR ANGRY AT THE FACT THAT I WON CC42"
YOUR ANGRY? IT'S YOU ARE, WHICH WOULD BE SHORTENED TO "YOU'RE". DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND SIMPLE CONTRACTIONS?
WELL THANK YOU MR. PEDANTIC
ACTUALLY I HAVE A FELLOWSHIP DEGREE IN ONLINE FORUM PUNCTILIOUSNESS AND A PHD IN PETTIFOGGERY FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF SNARK
SO THAT WOULD BE DOCTOR PEDANTIC TO YOU

 

by TheGovernor
6-24-15
So aside from catching Tribble herpes the experiment was a complete success
Facinating, So why did you have to put twenty live tribbles down your underpants?
It was all part of a 'cunning plan' devised by Doctor McCoy
It does seem a little extreme however Captain
Well how else was I supposed to coax that Klingon Hamster out of my anus?
I guess that's logical

 

by TheGovernor
6-29-15
So for 50 clams you'll get the full Scandinavian. I'll take you to the final furlong and leave you with Norwegian Wood if you know what I mean?
Well I Say!
Hey if that's not your thing then you can wear the saddle and I'll do the riding. Im a trojan horse baby, I'll be inside before you even know it. Ahhh yeah!!!!
That's it, I demand to speak to Orson the manager
Sir, the lewd language of your staff is intolerable
Of course! What did you expect at Orson Borsen's Coarse Norse Hoarse Horse Whores Inn?

 

by TheGovernor
9-23-15
One does not simply log into Facebook, Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the great eye is ever watchful. ..
... This evil cannot be concealed by the power of Google Plus. We do not have the strength to withstand both Facebook and Whatsapp.
Hey your computers acting very weird and geeky
Yeah sorry, I installed it on a Tolkien Ring Network

 

by TheGovernor
12-07-15
@bigWC"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growi" Damn twitter, out of characters
@bigWC "Fight them on the Beaches" #war #jerrydown #bochebash #englandexpects #kraut-out #hitlersmells

 

by TheGovernor
12-11-15
Ext. Syria - Present day
Hi sis, I'm in a crisis
Why sis?
Well to appeal to the vices, of the occupying Isis, Ive started selling Ices, but they won't buy sis
I won't lie sis, I think your prices, are too high sis
Nice sis, I'll give it a try sis
Bye sis.

 

by TheGovernor
4-08-16
Hello I'm here to interview for the position of Fortune Teller
Great our last one left due to unforeseen circumstances, I've just got a few questions to ask you
Sure fire away
Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

 

by TheGovernor
8-16-16
That's it Europe we're through, I'm leaving you
It's for the best really
It's not you, it's me
Actually I just realised you own all the cool CDs and have a better friend circle
Oh shit, maybe this wasn't such a good idea
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!

 

So I bought a new crockery set online, and they've only gone and shipped it to the Arctic circle by mistake, bah!
Sounds like a case of "buy polar       dish-order"
by TheGovernor, 9-14-16

 

by TheGovernor
9-16-16
I once won a major contract with a credit card company in the city to reupholster the offices of their goods reclaimation teams but it went badly
How so?
I accidentally ordered yards and yards of the wrong fabric
That doesn't seem too bad
Well the Repo Cushions were felt for miles around

 

by TheGovernor
9-16-16
I was an objectophilliac for a while
Oh Really?
Yeah I wound up having an affair with an elevator
How did that work out?
To be honest it was a bit of an up and down relationship

 

by TheGovernor
9-16-16
After that I started dating a Web browser
interesting
Yeah it was love at first site
So what happened?
After a while she didn't seem to want to connect. We were never on the same page, then when she started using third party plugins again I knew it was over, it's all deleted history now
URL always have Paris

 

by TheGovernor
10-12-16
Elephants are fluent in over thirty different languages, but still have difficulty understanding your average Scotsman
I'm sorry I still did not quite catch that
Ah say'd yeerh divvinaae louuk lieek yaw peecture ahn Tinder
Elephants can see through time and space, but are forbidden from interfering by the council of telepathic space chimps.
Happy Gilmore was ok but If we don't stop Adam Sandler now this truely will become the darkest timeline
I'm sorry, we've looked into the void of pain too, but it is the will of the council that we should not interfere
Although they are the symbol of the Republican party in the United States, most Elephants could actually be descrbed as Libertarian
Free market for the win, yeah!
So does that include the Ivory trade?

 

by TheGovernor
10-25-16
Five..............Four.......
Three.......Two........One
Thunderbirds are go?
Nope just counting how many dollars I get for my pound sterling in real time

 

by TheGovernor
11-15-16
Hello, is this God's complaints department? I'd like to register a faulty year. Yes that's right, 2016 has just got a little too silly
Look you've had 11 months of it, we can't take it back now, it's all used, besides we don't know where it's been
I don't care. It is a defective year and I want a refund
Look if this is about all those celebrity deaths, or that election result I'm afraid that's just part and parcel of the intricacies of life, you'll just have to deal with it I'm afraid
On the contrary this is due to the fact that you've made a Scotsman the worlds number one tennis player
Ahh I see your point

 

by TheGovernor
12-13-16
Ext. Central America, 3000 years B.C
So, I've just finished the Calendar, man those calculations were a ball-ache
Cool, so we're good for another five thousand years or so..... Wait did you remember to carry the one in the Katun column?
Ahh crap, and it's gone to the stone printers now
Screw it, what's four years at the end going to matter anyway?
Ext. 2016
Bloody Mayans

 

by TheGovernor
1-11-17
Welcome to hell, where your soul will burn in eternal torment for your sins
Um, it's a bit cold for that isn't it?
Sorry about that. Hopefully it should warm up after Inauguration Day. Last year was a bit of a strange one for us
We did open a ski school though. In the meantime do try the Brexit Black run, and the Trump half pipe

 

by TheGovernor
1-20-17
Ok Mr President where do you want to begin?
Well first we need a law taxing all forms of cheese except that which has been shredded correctly
Seems an odd choice of policy sir
Well it was what we promised on the campaign. We're going to...
..Make America grate again

 

by TheGovernor
1-27-17
We need to clarify whrere we stand as to alternative facts, just so our colleagues know we're on the level when it comes to lies.
Ok, well as truths go I still plan on buliding a wall, and getting the mexicans to pay for it
That seems a little unrealistic sir, perhaps if we say we're enhancing the border for the benefit of mexicans , they might buy into it
Yes but that would remind them that their economy props up ours
Still I doubt the mexicans are going to pay for the wall
I plan to build it out of tortillas.

 

by TheGovernor
1-31-17
Sorry old bean, I know we're stuck in a lift but I really need to take a Trump
An English Trump or an American Trump?
Well in England Trump is a somewhat quaint northern expression for passing wind
While in America Trump now means that at the moment of feeling a wet fart coming you drop your pants, pull your anus apart and projectile fire liquid feces in all directions
In that case a little of column A, little of column B

 

by TheGovernor
2-15-17
Greetings Comrade
Who the hell are you?
I am Russian Chicken
And what are you doing in my bed?
I have, how you say...'Come home to roost'

 

by TheGovernor
7-31-17
Greetings, My name is Jonathan Frakes. I'll be your new press secretary
Some of you may remember me from Star Trek the next generation where I played 'Number One'
In this administration however, as I will be dealing with all the spurious shit coming from the POTUS I am officially 'Number Two'

 

by TheGovernor
12-07-17
Looks like Rain dear..
Err. Excuse me...
It's pronounced Caribou over here

 

by TheGovernor
12-07-17
Precipitation?
Yes, the weather is awful today
Hey I've still got my balls
Wether n. Castrated sheep or goat
Excuse me?
I'm all man buddy, don't give me any of your lip

 

by TheGovernor
2-13-19
I tried dating apps for a while but it never worked out
Why not?
I kept getting Catfished
That's awful
Perhaps I shouldn't have put down on my profile that I liked making love on steam trawlers

 

by TheGovernor
2-13-19
I dated a girl once but we just didn't click
We did try following the plan and building a life together but she kept putting up walls
In the end I realised it was time to lego

 

by TheGovernor
9-17-20
Ah ha! Finally we have infiltrated your ship and will now.... Wait! Where's the Captain?
Sorry this is the night shift, the captain and the named crew are asleep
So who are you then?
I'm unnamed generic background technician number four, if you want I can take down a message or something?
Nevermind I'll come back in the morning.
I need a better agent

 

by TheGovernor
10-01-20
A million.... miles away Your .... signal in the distance To whom it may .... concern I think I .... lost my way
Getting .....good ... at starting over Every time .... that I return Learning .... to walk again ... I believe .... I've waited long enough... Where .... do I..... Begin?
Well done Fremen Recruits, if you learn to 'walk' without rhythm you won't attract the great worm of arrakis

 

by TheGovernor
3-24-21
So you don't have any tv streaming services anymore?
I just have HOBO max now.
Don't you mean HBO max?
Nope. I pay a tramp a dollar a week to stand in my yard and shout lines from Game of Thrones whenever I pass by.
"You know nothing Jon Snow!"
That's the stuff.

Showing page 11.

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