All comics by boorite

Profile

 

by boorite
10-26-02
I'm just a bird in a gilded cage...
No, you're not.
You're a bird in a cage of brass-plated zinc alloy.

 

by boorite
10-28-02
Jill, have you ever been to a Catholic youth group meeting?
Is that where I wrap my legs around you and yell, "Oh, Jesus! Oh, God!"
No, that sounds Protestant.

 

by boorite
10-28-02
I just can't get John to notice me.
You have to understand that John is thinking of joining the priesthood.
In other words, he has other things on his mind besides girls.
You're supposed to make a pedophile joke now.

 

by boorite
10-28-02
I have hiked out into the wilderness, all alone, like John the Baptist, isolating myself from humankind for one special reason.
GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH!
Ah, that's better.

 

by boorite
10-28-02
Dad, how can I get a guy to have sex with me?
Well, you see, pumpkin, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...
Dad! I know the facts of life. I'm asking how I can get me a piece of that dick!
Can we not have this conversation?
But you said I could ask you anything.
Yes. Ask me if you can have a cookie. Ask me where puppies go when they die. Ask me anything.

 

by boorite
10-28-02
What makes you think I'm the expert on getting guys into bed anyway?
Well, you know. Because you ARE a...
I just buy Playgirl for the Party Jokes, dammit!

 

by boorite
10-28-02
Dad, if you just give me a hint on how to get laid, I'll never bring up my sexual frustration again.
It's a deal.
I'll make it simple. Campout, sleeping bags. Get the picture?
Thanks, Dad!
Don't mention it. Ever again. Especially to your Mom.

 

by boorite
10-28-02
Jill, would you like to join me at the Church holy worship campout?
Can we zip our sleeping bags together and fuck?
Of course. That's the whole point.
Do I have to sing "Kumbaya" first?

 

by boorite
10-28-02
Time to hit the hay!
It sure is!
Oh, Jesus! Oh, God!
Good morning. Still wanna join the priesthood?
Suddenly, I feel very Protestant.

 

by boorite
10-28-02
John! You look different somehow. Did you get some sun at the campout?
Father, I'm here to tell you that I still want to join the clergy, but as an Episcopalian.
Oh, my! You gave that girl "the time," didn't you, you lucky dog?
Look, father, it's not like that. I'm sorry I let you down and all...
Whatever. Let's have some details.

 

by boorite
10-29-02
Are you ready for a FOOTBALL?
No, it's "are you ready for SOME football."
Are you sure? I think "football" is singular.
Yes, but it's a quantity of stuff. Like saying, "are you ready for some HOG FAT?"
You know I cannot eat pork.
Sorry.

 

by boorite
10-29-02
A Sunni day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbans ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha.
Rotor turbans?

 

by boorite
10-30-02
I like your comics so much that I put one of them in my sig!
I must ream your gaping asshole now.
Sure. Anything for a comic master such as you! Say, can you do it to me like Dad used to?
Arrr! Now turn around and take one in the face.
You have unburdened me of any remaining vestige of dignity.
Shut up, whore. *uuuugaaahh* SPLURT

 

by boorite
10-30-02
dialogue
dialogue
dialogue
dialogue
narration
dialogue
(DANCING)

 

by boorite
10-30-02
I can't stand to see him lying lifeless in a box!
There, there. Where is your faith? He's in a better place now.
How dare you mouth your empty, superstitious platitudes in my time of grief? Good day!
Works every fuckin' time.

 

by boorite
10-31-02
...so I says, "But I have a right to bear arms."
That's the joke.

 

by boorite
11-05-02
He rocks in the treetops all day long, huffin' and puffin' and singin' his song
All the little birdies on Jaybird Street love to hear the robin
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

 

by boorite
11-05-02
But if I stay here with you girl, Things just couldn't be the same. 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now...
You're not free! You are in a CAGE! Now please SHUT THE FUCK UP!
AND THIS BIRD YOU CANNOT CHA-A-A-ANGE! (guitar solo)

 

by boorite
11-05-02
Now everybody's heard about the bird. B-b-b-bird bird bird! Bird is the word!
Don't you know about the bird? Everybody's heard that the bird is the word! B-b-b-bird--
For the love of God! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
SURFIN BIRD! Brrrr-b-b-leow-walalala-ohwow-lalaow-bloaow-wlaolao-ow... ahhhhhhh.
Pa pa pa oo ma mao mao pa pa oo mao ma mao! Pa pa pa oo ma mao mao pa pa oo mao ma mao!

 

by boorite
11-05-02
Look at the way I glide. Caught on the wind's lazy tide. Sweetly how it sings! Rally each heart at the sight of your silver wings.
Alright, that's IT! I have put up with your crappy singing until now, but Neil Diamond? That's going TOO FAR!
And be sure to tip your waitress!

 

by boorite
11-08-02
I've developed a new theory of intelligence that I call "drop-by I.Q."
It's a measure of how long a drop-by visitor will stay in your cubicle when you're trying to work.
One hour and counting...
And that's why I'm afraid of bananas.

 

by boorite
12-10-02
I resolved to exit the body of yon fanboy... BY THE SWORD!
I shall wax thee, Ear Mite!
MERCY!!
A long day's journey found me slogging through the Yellow Slime Caves of Flonase!
Bogey Man, I pick YOU!
AAAIIIEEEEE!
Down, down the pipes I traveled, planning to make my escape at the legendary Eye of the Trout. Alas, it was guarded by the most fearsome foe yet.
Ick.
SPOOOOOOOOO!

 

by boorite
12-14-02
So.
So.
It's been a long week. Let's knock off early.
OK.

 

by boorite
12-20-02
Help me write this gag. "Disco sucks SO much..."
Let's see... think vacuum cleaner, vampire bat... uh, sump pump, low-pressure system, two-dollar whore...
...chrome off a trailer hitch, white off a chicken bone, golf ball through a garden hose...
WAIT! I've GOT it!
No, that's no good.

 

by boorite
12-20-02
Let's see. Rules... rules, rules rules... make a comic...
...make a comic... that is... make a comic that is...
Rawk! Disco sucks!
....anticlimactic!

 

by boorite
1-09-03
Hot babe at 9 o'clock.
Huh?
Hot babe at 9 o'clock.
Dude, it's like noon already.
Say, is that a digital watch you have there?
Is there another kind?

 

by boorite
1-10-03
Millions more Americans are out of work this month, says analyst Hugh Johnson.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Homeless shelters and food banks are bracing for the worst.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
"Hugh Johnson."

 

by boorite
1-10-03
Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated.
No it isn't!
Yes, it is. A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties, and no purpose other than, perhaps, an impulse to destroy.
What a crock of shit!
Nice try. I'm still going to make you read Nietzsche.
Awww, can't we just burn the place down?

 

by boorite
1-10-03
Has nihilism given us a cold, inhuman world where nothingness, incoherence, and absurdity triumph? Mr. Tobor?
ARGLE BARGLE BIG GULP FUCKER HA HA HA BOOGER SHOES!
Very close, but incorrect. The answer is: There's no way to tell, and it doesn't matter anyway.
Rats.

 

by boorite
1-10-03
First, let us discuss zee Normal Distribution, or "bell curve." Most of you, I suspect, are B and C students...
...a few are D, and fewer still are F students...
...at zee end of zis course, ALL VILL BE 'A' STUDENTS! Mwa hahahaha! *ahem*

 

by boorite
1-10-03
Dude, I ACED my Eugenics exam.
Sweet!
Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many people flunked it.
Bummer.
Nah, prof said they could retake it after they finish their showers.
SHOWERS?

 

by boorite
1-16-03
Give me one good reason not to kill myself.
Suicide is uncool.
You do want to be cool, don't you?
Not particularly.
I've got nothing, then.

 

by boorite
1-16-03
Take it from me, extinction is not the way to go.
I don't know. The release from pointless toil and strife seems to agree with you.
There is that, yes.

 

by boorite
1-16-03
I'm thinking of offing myself. What's it like being dead?

 

by boorite
1-17-03
Avast, ye scurvy lubber! Face now yer darkest fear, that which makes men quake in their boots, that which they'd walk the plank t'escape it!
....arrrrr....
....commitment?
I was thinkin' 'intimacy.' Yarrrr.

 

by boorite
1-21-03
Next on Joe Millionaire: Dozens of bimbos scramble over each other to win the rich, handsome prince.
Little do they know he's a blue collar slob who's broke as a joke.
That's the most classist, sexist, debased, degrading, exploitive, idiotic thing I've ever heard of. It sickens me.
Monday at 9 Eastern.
I'll be here.

 

by boorite
1-21-03
I have a few minutes to kill. Let's fuck.
Sorry. I've evolved a preference for males who will stick around and provide for me and the offspring.
Oh. Yes. Well, I've always been a strong believer in two-parent rearing of offspring.
Banana?

 

by boorite
1-21-03
Lookie there, dearest-- a male with a slightly higher forehead and more erect posture than mine.
No one!
I swear the baby's yours.

 

by boorite
1-21-03
We replaced the President's brain with Folger's Crystals.
Let's see if anyone notices.
Nukular.

 

by boorite
1-21-03
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "that dialectic subdeconstructivist theory ain't gonna generate an abundance of gendered narratives by itself."
Ha, ha.
What insights does this offer into the problems of representation, identity and reality in contemporary culture?

 

by boorite
1-22-03
Avast! I be here to audition for yon band.
Arr, I hope ye like emo music.
Aye, that I do. In point o' fact, I've brought mine to show ye.
Brought yours...?
....arrrrr.....

 

by boorite
1-22-03
Yablonski! How did you see through my undercover camel disguise?
Takes one to catch one, Johannes. Besides, I'm always on the lookout for a hump.
Ha, good one.
Thanks.
Now, about that evidence I found. Here's how the murder went down: It was a dark and stormy night...
No, seriously, I'm going to fuck you.

 

by boorite
1-23-03
Shall I get my penis out?
No.
I said "no." Please, no.
God damn it.

 

by boorite
1-23-03
What are we standing around here for, anyway?
We're waiting for my 600th comic.
Oh.
May I mark the occasion by getting my penis out?
I wish you wouldn't.

 

by boorite
1-23-03
I can't wait anymore. I have to piss.
Hurry up, or you'll miss my 600th comic.
Now I have to go, too.

 

by boorite
1-23-03

 

by boorite
1-23-03
I'm back! Shit, where'd he go?
I'm back! Shit, where'd he go?

 

by boorite
1-23-03
Now on American Idol: Starry-eyed amateurs squeal like wounded rats, and our panel makes fun of them.
That's horrible! Who would watch this dreck?
Horrible, horrible!

 

by boorite
1-23-03
Now on "Idle American," our hidden cameras catch a lazy bureaucrat making comic strips on the taxpayer's nickel!
Oh, I can't wait to see this loser. Ha ha...
...ha...?

 

by boorite
1-23-03
Welcome to Starbucks 3000.
Fresh-ground espresso roast, please.
You selected "hot stale shitwater." If this is correct, press OK.
No!
Thank you. Enjoy your beverage.

Showing page 11.

« Previous Next »