All comics by DexX

Profile

 

by DexX
8-03-02
Subscribe to AOL now!
Gah!!! Sure, subscribe to AOL and join the horde of fuckbies...
Fuckbies?
Fuckwit newbies. D'uh.
Great word!

 

by DexX
8-06-02
Okay everyone, five minutes per person. Say a few things about yourself to start off. Starting... now.
Hi, I'm Melinda. I'm a gym instructor. I love cycling, jogging, and romantic movies!
Hey, I'm Harry. I'm a medical student, in my third year of study. I love watching movies of all kinds, drawing, and working in the garden.
Hi, I'm Gwen. I'm a high school teacher, maths and science. I like science fiction in all media, visiting national parks, and watching sunsets.
Greetings. I am Shubb-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I like tournament Scrabble.

 

by DexX
8-07-02
Back at the farmhouse, I was entranced by the procession of young ladies that passed, each pampering me.
Hello. I am Ling, from my father's first marriage. Let me massage your feet for you.
I am Tam, Ling's full-sister. I will massage your tired shoulders and neck for you.
It was the closest to Heaven I had ever been in my life. It seemed things couldn't get any better.
I'm Sandy. What will I do...? I know, I will go and make you some nice hot soup. Back soon!
I'm Wendy. Hmmm... you look tired. I'll go out to our home distilliery and fetch you some of our award-winning cider.
...ot perhaps I spoke too soon.
Oh, you're being massaged, and you have food and drink on the way? What can Trudi and I do for you?
We could show him that pole-dancing routine we've been working on... I'll get the bikinis!

 

by DexX
8-07-02
I was getting a very bad feeling...
Sandra, calm down! We don't want you to kill another- uh... Look, just go to the kitchen, have some water. Calm down.
Okay... breathe deeply, Sandy, breathe deeply...
Breathe, Sandy, breathe...
Oh, look, daddy left his overalls in here . . . and his hockey mask...
Funny how I always feel more comfortable when I'm wearing this stuff. Oh, look, someone left a big knife on the counter.
Where should I put it, I wonder?

 

by DexX
8-07-02
One may ask how I know what was going on the kitchen.
Hee hee! I'm Little Miss Lizard-Head!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!!! You look silly!
Good question... uh... I'll explain later.
I haff come to trim your hedges! HA!!!
What the... what are you girls doing? You've been in my costume trunk again! You'd better not have touched my pride and joy...
You know how protective I am of my bunny suit and scarlet lingerie... oh, good. Here they are.
Let's party, girls.

 

by DexX
8-08-02
_____A_JAMES_CAMERON_FILM_____ starring Bruce Willis, Julia Roberts...
___NOT_WITHOUT_MY_PENGUIN___
Two hours later...
So, didja like the movie?
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PENGUINS!

 

by DexX
8-09-02
*cough*
*gasp*
What the hell was that? Bob? Are you okay?
*choke* Phil... I feel weird... I... I'm getting this bizarre urge to... EAT YOU!
That's odd... Here, just have some coffee.
Thanks. I don't know what's wrong... I suddenly want to feast on your flesh and... ooh! Mocha with marshmallows!

 

by DexX
8-11-02
The demented old man in a bunny suit and lingerie seemed disturbed by his youngest daughter's warning...
Girls! Girls! Althea has had another vision! Be quiet and listen.
Daddy, I had the most awful dream...
She went on to describe a terrible tsunami, a massive wall of water that would smash the land, drowning all but the highest mountain peaks, killing every living thing that could not reach high ground.
That happened this afternoon, Althea. We live on top of a mountain, remember?
Really? Oh... I'm going back to bed then. Have fun torturing, killing, cooking and eating that man...

 

by DexX
8-12-02
Too many have died in this conflict. It is good that we have developed these great fighting machines.
Rather than losing living soldiers, these robots will destroy each other....
KILL!!! KIIIILLLL!!! KI- uh... hello there! Have we... met before?
No, I'm sure I would have remembered. You know, the colour of your eyes is rather striking...
Hmmm...
Well, I'm embarrassed.

 

by DexX
8-12-02
ALL WE ARE SAAAAAYIIIIING... IS GIVE PEACE A CHAAAAAAAAANCE... ALL WE ARE SAAAAAYIIIIING... IS GIVE PEACE A CHAAAAAAAAANCE...
...I understand that the region is strategically valuable to you, but it's a vital part of our farmland.
Strategically valuable? We're landlocked without it! Any peace treaty you propose has to give us... FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!
ALL WE ARE SAAAAAYIIIIING... IS GIVE PEACE A CHAAAAAAAAANCE... ALL WE ARE SAAAAAYIIIIING... IS GIVE PEACE A CHAAAAAAAAANCE...
Security! We're trying to hold a fucking treaty negotiation here! Can't you shut up those peace protestors?
Uh... well... you see, sir...
GIIIVE PEEEACE A CHAAAAANCE!!! Oh, I love Lennon. What should we sing next, my love?
I'm having trouble thinking with that sexy metal chassis of yours distracting me! I know! Imagine! IMAGINE THERE'S NO COUNTREEEE...

 

by DexX
8-13-02
Court is in session. The verdict is in.
Crrdrrznn seh-shrn. Thavrrduk duzzrn.
No appeal on the docket today. Just my own sin.
Nawaprl onna drrkatoodeii jrz marown srrn.
The walls cold and pale. The cage made of steel.
Thawarrlz goldrrnpeyal lakayurrj meyurvsterrl.
Someone really should tell this guy that the letter R is not a vowel...

 

by DexX
8-13-02
Still covered in duct tape, I slowly and carefully hopped away from the flames.
Hnngg...
My only hope was to get out the window and away from this family of loons.
He's headed for the window! Quick, stop him!
Maybe she was psychic after all. It seemed the little bitch could read my narration!
Of course I... HEY! Who are you calling a bitch!

 

by DexX
8-13-02
*applause*
*applause*
*applause*

 

by DexX
8-13-02
Backstage, after the show...
...universe ended just as the Santa plot was getting interesting.
Yeah, but the section with me and Jesus was the highlight of the whole series. I didn't think the Anti-Santa...
Oh, I'm so glad to get that damned hockey mask off. I find it really inhibits my performance as an actor.
You were playing a lunatic serial killer. Hello... depth of character?
Sorry, nobody is allowed backstage without a pass.
*boing!* Oh pleeeease!!!! *boing* I'm crabby's number one fan! *boing*

 

by DexX
8-13-02
I clenched the guide dog's harness between my teeth, and he took off through the window.
*SMASH!*
Stop him!
He bounced into the still-high flood waters, and we bobbed away from that psychotic hillbilly family. It wasn't until we were out of sight of land that I happened to notice text on the ball.
Hmmm, what does this say?
It said: "Not to be used as a floatation device."
Yip! *glub*
Damned duct tape...

 

by DexX
8-13-02
Damn, another beggarbot...
*bleep!* Can spare some loose cha-cha-change so I can b-b-b-b-buy myself a meal-eal-eal? *bleep!*
You are the crappiest beggerbot I have ever had the misfortune to be harrassed by.
*fzzt!*
Well, gee... maybe it has something to do with the fact that I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY! *sniff* Hurtful bitch....

 

by DexX
8-15-02
-YOU- cut off my leg?
Uh... no. It looks attached to me.
Let me read this again... ya-da ya-da... severed leg... blah blah... bloody stump... Oooohhh, I see where I misread it.
Hmm?
It's addressed to you!
Why the hell did you open my mail, you- ARGH! MY LEG!!!

 

by DexX
8-15-02
So... what are we going to do about this missing leg of mine?
Wait on, I think I might have a spare around here somewhere...
Hurry up. Blood is pouring out of it, and I'm starting to see black spots.
Hmmm... oh, here it is!
Uh... no. Sorry to quibble, but I think you will find that more highly-evolved beings than you don't have opposable thumbs on their fucking FEET!
*thud*

 

by DexX
8-15-02
Look, calm down.
But... but...
All I want to do is smear epoxy resin all over this severed leg and your stump, hold it in place with six metal skewers stuck in both open ends, and then put twelve or so nails_all_the_way_around.
Is that all?
Oh, I'll cover it up with gaffer tape afterwards, of course.
Oh good. I was worried for a moment there.

 

by DexX
8-15-02
You idiot! I can't believe you reattached my leg backwards! That does it!
OW!
You just tried to kick me up the arse didn't you?
Uh... no?

 

by DexX
8-15-02
There you go. I helped you pull your foot out of your rectum. Feel better?
Yes, much, thanks.
I feel all tense and irritable now. I don't suppose you could give me-
DON'T EVEN SAY IT!
-a foot massage?

 

by DexX
8-15-02
I've noticed something really odd...
Oh?
In the past few hours I have had one leg blasted off, my penis hacked off, and a new leg put in place in the most traumatic way possible, but... I'm not feeling any pain!
Uh... you mean you find that stranger than me taking great pleasure from horribly mutilating your body?
Nothing unusual about that - you're a cunt, after all.

 

by DexX
8-15-02
An a stripcreator Olympus...
Well?
I'm thinking.
Do you have any-
SHHH!!! Thinking!

 

by DexX
8-15-02
Come on, it's your turn.
I know. I told you - I'm thinking!
My cat's hungry.
THINKING!

 

by DexX
8-15-02
Come on, DexX. Where's episode 50, the big opening for part five?
Listen carefully...
I'M FUCKING THINKING!!!
Touchy.
Shh.

 

by DexX
8-15-02
Still thinking?
Yes.
You think slowly.
Shut up, MENSA boy.

 

by DexX
8-15-02
*zzzzzz...*
I've got it!
What? You finally thought of an idea for the series?
Yeah! I'll go do it now.
MENSA boy? Where does an antipodean subprimate like him get off calling me a-
I heard that!

 

by DexX
8-15-02
- Part 5 -
In what was becoming a depressingly familiar process, my mental fog slowly cleared and I rose from unconsciousness.
I -did- mention that this was the worst day of my life, didn't I?
Is that another new arrival?
Hello. Welcome to Hell. Here is your guide booklet and guest pass. Please walk between those pillars of fire into the waiting area.

 

by DexX
8-15-02
-THAT- was your great idea? Send him to Hell?
Uh...
...yeah.
Should have thought longer.
SHUT UP!

 

by DexX
8-15-02
I had no idea how I had done it, but I had simply turned and walked out of hell and back into my life. The hellfire had removed all of my bindings, and I was now free and light enough to get to swim.
*glub* Yip yip yip!
*gasp*
I couldn't help but wonder what was going on back in Hell, though...
I don't know! He just... walked out!
How odd. Want to give it a go?
FREE!!! We're free at last! MUAHAHAHA- *glub*
You and your bright ideas. *glub*

 

by DexX
8-15-02
I continued to plummet backwards through time, and my pace appeared to be increasing rather than slowing...
I was suddenly enveloped in bright white light.
...and then total darkness.
.thgil eb ereht teL

 

by DexX
8-15-02
Shot out of a divine temporal cannon, I flew forward in time again.
Passed some old "friends" on the way.
Shiiiiiiit!
Stop this crazy thiiiiing!
Abruptly, my forward momentum ceased.
If it turns out that today is Groundhog Day, I'm going to commit deitycide...

 

by DexX
8-15-02
Part one hundred!
Woohoo! Part one hundred!
I was hoping for something a bit more exciting.
Wait on, I'm not done yet. I wrote some celebratory haikus!

 

by DexX
8-15-02
The music industry were happy, making lots of great music, until...
We on the good ship RIAA are a happy bunch...
ONLINE MUSIC PIRATES STRUCK!
Ya-harrr! You been boarded by the crew o' the SS Napster, me hearties!
Nooo!!! My wife and children! My livelihood!
...the evil software pirates ruined the music industry, and the world fell into darkness!
Uh, dad... when I asked for a bedtime story, I didn't mean idiotic corporate propaganda.

 

by DexX
8-16-02
I, Red beard have assembled the evillest, nastiest crew o' pirates ever to sail the seven seas! Sound off, men!
SIlverbeard!
Brownbeard!
Whitebeard!
Blackbeard!
Trying-really-hard-to-grow-a-beard!

 

by DexX
8-16-02
Who are you?
Aharrr! I be Long John Solver!
Uh...
Are you sure...?
O' course I be sure! Ev'ry long division problem on the high seas fears me!

 

by DexX
8-17-02
Okay, settle down kids. Today in sex ed we're going to learn about the human female's menstrual psycho.
Uh...
Cycle.

 

by DexX
8-18-02
I want to kill myself, but I can't think how I should do it.
A massive dose of codeine worked for me.
Okay, thanks.
...wait a minute.

 

by DexX
8-19-02
I don't know what I'm going to do with this god I've found...
Te market's flooded - people seem to be selling gods on every street corner these days.
Hmmm...
How about the Hindus? They're pantheists.
Oh yes?
Yeah... they have so many gods, I doubt they'll notice one more kicking about the place.

 

by DexX
8-19-02
Hugs are harmless. I like hugs.
Hmmm... I don't know... I find that when I am held by a man, I tend to get all needy...
You'll be hugged by Bec too. We're both prolific huggers.
That's okay - I can be hugged by a woman with no problems. I think it's hormonal... you'd hug me, and you'd just SMELL good!
Okay... how about if I smear myself with shit first?
...are we talking *male* shit?

 

by DexX
8-19-02
Hey, DexX. Just checking that my MSN messenger is working properly. Is this getting through?
Nope. Didn't get it. Sorry.
Damn it!
Yeah, it sucks.
I bet I would have had somethign really witty to say, too.

 

by DexX
8-21-02
Look, I hate to go on about this, but are you sure you're reading that map correctly?
Yes, I'm sure. I told you to make a wrong turn earlier, but it's all sorted now.
Urm... the street signs are all in German...
We're probably just in the German district of the city. Straight ahead! Go straight ahead here!
Look, you _said_ straight ahead.
Yeah, well... you probably missed the bridge or something.

 

by DexX
8-21-02
Wanna make a strip... wanna make a strip... wanna make a strip...
Need... idea...
Wanna... make...
Oh, just fuck off and leave alone, will you?

 

by DexX
8-21-02
A bit of advice.
Beat me harder!
I give the orders around here, slave!
If you must engage in BDSM play...
BEAT ME HARDER!
That's precisely what I'm doing, impudent cur!
...choose your "safe word" with care.
BEAT ME HA- ugh!
I heard you the first fifty times, scum!

 

by DexX
8-21-02
...but what I never told her was that I'd never been to Scotland in my whole life! Ha!
Fuck this... this is pointless...
Stand-up comedy is hard when the rules say you can't have an audience.

 

by DexX
8-21-02
I;ve decided that, despite the lack of audience, I will keep doing my stand-up anyway.
I mean, hey, no hecklers!

 

by DexX
8-23-02
Cars are filthy. I don't care how fuel efficient you might claim yours is, they are simply filthy. I ride my bike along a major road, and it's like being inside an industrial chimney.
Uh-huh...
I mean, what's the point? My bike gets me from A to B, no trouble. I see a lone driver in a car and I just want to scream. Dragging around a tonne of metal to move a single person!
Uh-huh...
Oh, that reminds me... can I get a lift?
*sigh* I'll get my keys...

 

by DexX
8-23-02
Doctor, where do you stand on the issue of euthanasia?
AAARGH!!!
Wow... so, you're a big believer in euthanasia, then?
Yoo-tha-whatsia?

 

by DexX
8-24-02
You mean... they actually asked Celine Dion to sing a Foreigner cover at half time? That's... horrible!
You're telling me! The dinosaurs couldn't handle the shrieks and bellows. The noise crushed their tiny brains.
But how did the mammals survive?
I'm not sure. I suspect it is because some of them carried a recessive gene that made them immune to it somehow...
Elsewhere...
You gotta hear this new Foreigner tribute album! Celine Dion's rendition of I Wanna Know What Love Is rocks!
Get away from me, you fucking mutant.

 

by DexX
8-25-02
Now it's time for Political Discourse, with Kirk Jones...
Welcome to political discourse. Our guest tonight is Secretary of Defence, Colin Powell...
Sorry to interrupt. I know it's spelled like the usual "Colin" but it's pronounced with a long O in the first syllable.
Uh... "Colon"?
Yes, that's correct.
...as in the lower bowel?
Yes yes, that's what I said. Now, Kock, can we get on with this interview?

Showing page 12.

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