All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
9-29-10
So then I went to the bathroom to clean up... and asked you if you wanted a cup of coffee. I thought I heard you say "yes", but now I realize...
...that was just Spot farting under the bed.

 

by bigworm
9-29-10
So then I brought in your coffee and Spot was humpin' your left shoulder and licking the inside of your gaped open mouth...
...you know...
...just like he does every morning.

 

by bigworm
9-29-10
When I brought the coffee in (what with Spot all jigglin' on your face), I spilled it on his back... and that sent him to frenzy clinchin' all on your face...
... but he never got his nut.
It was bittersweet.

 

I've long awaited this moment. I'm going to expectorate unabashedly, directly on the site of that old curmudgeon's internment.
I'm going to urinate copiously on his urn of fresh flowers.
by bigworm, 9-30-10

 

by bigworm
9-30-10
Ms. Whitman, attorney Gloria Alred has alleged that you knew your former housekeeper was an undocumented worker for years prior to letting her go.
What is your defense to these allegations?
Ms. Alred is a Jerry Brown supporter.

 

by bigworm
9-30-10
Regarding the 'Alred allegations', you have said on your own behalf that "Ms. Alred is a Brown supporter." Is that the entirety of your defense?
Of course not!
Could you expound on those additional aspects to your defense?
One moment while I confer with my husbsand.
She's a Brown supporter, PLUS...umm... everything she says is a bunch of fucking lies.

 

by bigworm
10-02-10
PETE GROUSE... PETER PETER PENIS... GROUSE BIRD HUNT...BIG PENIS UNHAPPY... ROUSE GROUSE ROSE RUSE... ABUSE...
*formatting conspiracy*
ABUSE ROSE SMELL... RUSE GAMBIT TRICK... JOHN TRICK... WHORE ABUSE ROSE... PENIS SMELL...GAMEBIRD CAGE...
*conspiracy 90% formatted*
SATAN,CULT,CUNT,FUCK,BUTTCRACK,HAIR,HOFFA,DALEY,CACA,WORSHIP,MONEY,SHOVE............. *KA-CHING!!!*
Our sources tell us that Mr. Rouse has partnered with former Cincinatti Red, Pete Rose, in an illegal gamebird gambling scheme, disguised as a shelter for sexually abused tit-mice, to dupe Nazis!

 

by bigworm
10-02-10
You haven't slept for days honey... what's wrong?
I just can't figure out what to get Rahm as a going away present.
Well, we have to figure it out so my little commander and chief can get some sleep! Let's see... he likes to do just about anything, so maybe some kind of DIY repair kit, or...
Yes, and he likes to read technical literature... so maybe some kind of a... uhhh...
...a manual!

 

by bigworm
10-02-10
You know he just loves animals, so maybe a set of zoo books or something.
I'll get 'em a sheep!!!
hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha
hahahahahahah hahahahahaha hahahahahahah haha

 

by bigworm
10-02-10
Oh Barrack... you're such a naughty boy!
Goddamnit Michelle! How many fucking times do I ...
I'm sorry honey, please forgive me! You had me laughing so hard that I forgot!
Ok. Let's try it again then.
Oh Barrack... you're such a naughty man!
That's it baby, now you're talkin'!

 

by bigworm
10-02-10
Maybe get 'em a gift certificate to some stree ho.
I know about the sheep, but I don't really know about his preferences when it comes to women.
I know he likes black pussy.
...say what?

 

by bigworm
10-02-10
How the hell do you know Rahm likes black pussy?!!
I thought YOU told ME!!!
No, uh uh! I said he liked my black ASS!
...say what?

 

by bigworm
10-02-10
Good morning Michelle. I really think it would be best if you were to start things off by getting directly to the problem that you're having.
I understand. You need to protect yourself, and these problems need to be handled as expeditiously as possible.
One quick comment... before I got here, I was thinking to myself... Michelle has a husband who's 1/2 black and 1/2 white. She could have the best of both worlds.
As fate would have it, that's the very basis of my problem!
Oh my goodness... how so?
He only eats 1/2 my pussy!

 

by bigworm
10-04-10
My arm!!! What's my arm doing on the floor?!! AAAIIEEEEE!!!
My arm's on the fucking floor!!! Dear God, my arm's on the floor!
Listen... I've told you a number of times already! If you see one of your body parts laying around somewhere...
Stop looking at it!

 

by bigworm
10-04-10
I'm tired of having to pick up after you. Why can't you just do it yourself?
How can I pick anything up?!! You cut my arms off! I don't have any hands anymore... remember?!!
Use your teeth.
How can I? You knocked my upper teeth out!
Why's everything always my fault?

 

by bigworm
10-08-10
TRUST...
I'm gonna' pretend I never saw that axe. Why are you even holding it? You know it's a violation of your parole.
I knew I could trust you.
and VICISSITUDES...
Right?
...GO HAND IN HAND.
Right.

 

by bigworm
10-08-10
BLOWJOBS... (for the most part)...
Oh GOD...!!! I'm gonna' cum... oh shit...!!! You ready?!!
No! Hold on!!!
...ARE LIKE...
What?!! I'm gonna' cum in your mouth baby!!!
Not in my *garble garble* mouth!!!
...LOTTERY TICKETS.
AAAHHHHHH!!! I'M CUMMMMINGGGGGGGGGG!!! *air spooge, air spooge*...*jack jack jack jack... jack jack jack*... aaahh... *spooge dribble dribble* I thought I could come in your mouth baby!
Dream on!

 

by bigworm
10-08-10
Hey Sally! Long time no see! I haven't seen you since high school... you look like a wh... who... who... whore.
I sure am! How 'bout you?
No, uh... I'm not a whore.
But you're gay, right?
Right... but that doesn't make me a whore!
No, it makes you a 'stupid gay pauper cock-sucker'!

 

by bigworm
10-08-10
THERE IS NO 'PIE IN THE SKY'...
... SO THINK ABOUT A MORE PRACTICAL MEANS OF GRATIFICATION.
Honey! Is there any cheesecake left in the fridge?

 

WILL CORNHOLE FOR FOOD!!!
by bigworm, 10-09-10

 

by bigworm
10-09-10
Did you bring me any gold?
No, I'm sorry.
How's about a little corn!!?

 

MEG WHITMAN/JERRY BROWN COLLABORATIVE CAMPAIGN POSTER.
VOTE FOR ME AND I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK!!!
VOTE FOR ME AND I'LL RELEASE A VIDEO OF MEG SUCKING MY DICK!!!
by bigworm, 10-09-10

 

by bigworm
10-10-10
GRUDGES ARE LIKE STEROIDS...
What's wrong honey? Can't get it up?
No, nothin' like that. I just have a lot on my mind.
...THEY MAKE YOUR PEE-PEE SHRINK!
You pay more attention to people you claim not to like, than you do to me!
Well... I'm sorry you feel that way. Right now I need to change and address some other matters... ok?
Thank God for dildoes!

 

by bigworm
10-10-10
Your ba ba boo boo boo ba ba boot...
My "beauty"?!!
...is hu hu ha ha hu...
My "beauty is huge"?!! Are you trying to say I'm very beautiful?
Ca ca ca cla cla cla cl close enough!
How sweet.

 

by bigworm
10-10-10
This place is scary!
I've come across 3 different monks with raised swords... asking me...
... "Are you Buddha?"

 

by bigworm
10-10-10
What'd you do that for?!!
What?!!
Chew my ass off... what'd you do that for?!!
Oh that!
Yeh that!!!
Hell! You pointed it at my face, what was I supposed to do?!!

 

by bigworm
10-10-10
I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to tell anyone.
My lips are sealed..
I'm a queer.
You're shittin' me!
No... but I will if you want me to.
No, no... my lips are still sealed... remember?

 

by bigworm
10-10-10
I would like it very much if you would turn me out. I will be a hot bitch whore, just for you!
What the fuck you sayin' man? Get outa' my face while you still can!
I apologize, I thought you were a pimp.
Say what?!! I'm a fuckin' priest!
Oh good! I'll say grace before we fuck!

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
Oh! You surprised me! What are you doing in my kitchen?
I was hopin' we could make a little whoopee!
Get lost Bozo, I'm 83 years old!
I gotta' monkey with bedbugs up his ass... need suckin' out.
Well, what you waitin' for boy... let's go!!!

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
Where's the monkey?
He'll come out from behind the bed when I turn the lights out, and you can get down to them bugs.
Oh dear me... *suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck ooophh shplutt* Oh, I think I gotta' big one!!! *chew chew, chaw chaw, chee chee, gnaw gnaw* WTF?!!
Keep chewin' granny!!! Don't stop now!!! CHEW FOR GOD'S SAKE... CHEWWWWW!!!
*shputoooeee* You ain't no monkey!!! What's goin' on here?!!
Uhhh... ooga booga? oo oo, ee ee, aw aw!

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
Why'd you go trick me like that?
I'm sorry granny, I just had too much to drink! I couldn't help myself!
That's ok then, it's not your fault.
Oh granny... you're such a good woman!
Uh oh... I think I gotta' *gghhh gghhh, shhi shii, shggg*, shit-log stuck in my... *gghhh ghh*, throat!
Oh that's dreadful! Hang in there granny! I'll get my sewer-snake and roto-rooter your throat!

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
*gaack aaack* Your snake's...*gghhh ghh* ... too damn *bghh bghh*...big!!!
I'm tryin' to help you granny! Now shut up and SUCK it!!!
Listen to me now you whippersnapper!!! Why'd you go and trick granny two times like that?
I told you, I just had too much to drink!
Then it's not your *erhh erhh* fault... sorry I *aahgh uugh* yelled at you.
Oh granny, you're the best, but I think we need to finish the roto-rooter job!

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
When you call it a 'roto-rooter' job, I feel like you're tryin' to make a fool outa' me!
No! I'm jus' tryin' to get the stool outa' ya'!
Come clean now... what about your nut?
I'll get my nut when I come clean down your throat, you old bag!
Oh, now you're sweet-talkin' me just like your grandpa did, bless his soul.
Could you just get to suckin' it? 'Jerry Springer's' on in 5 minutes!

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
You're all lovey-dovey now, but you got me up here with a big deception!
We worked through all that granny! I wanna' nut in your mouth 'cus I drink too much... now suck it!!!
No monkey... no nut!
Heeere monkey monkey!!!

 

Jesus, I've been a cheap, no good, lousy, money grubbin', spooge suckin', john jumpin'...
Just stop right there! Let's compare notes on John!
by bigworm, 10-12-10

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
So, about John. I found him to be unfamiliar with the female anatomy.
Well... I'm not too surprised. He spent most of his time worshipping my cock! Really... his shit got kinda' old real fast.
I stuck his dick in my butthole and told him it was my cunt... a bunch of times!
Ha ha ha! I stuck his dick in my ass and told him it was my mouth!!!
I jacked him off in his own face and told him it was me cummin' all over him!!!
I'm gonna' change my reservation to a two-ledge cave!

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
Hey Jesus, I brought a friend over to meet you!
Hi, I'm Phreaky!
Slow down baby, maybe in a couple of days.
*Hello, this is the Rollaway The Stone Door Hotel... how may I help you?*
Yeh, this is Jesus. I need to change my reservation to a cave with a 'California King Ledge', uh huh... for 3 nights.

 

by bigworm
10-12-10
IF YOU BELIEVE GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS...
Thankyou God for answering my prayers.
I prayed for a dog... are you a dog?
...THEN PRAY FOR ANYTHING...
Hell yeh I'm a dog!
Oh thankyou God! Now I have my very own dog!
...BECAUSE ANYTHING GOES!
Can you squeal real loud?
Gimme just a minute... Dear God, will you please make it so I can squeal as loud as my dog wants me to?

 

by bigworm
10-14-10
Eh? Who's that behind me?!!
Get thee in front of me!
Jeez!
Make up your mind, would you?!!

 

by bigworm
10-14-10
God goes on the 'Maury Show' for a DNA paternity test.
God... when it comes to Jesus Christ, you ARE NOT his father!
I gotta' call mom right away...
*Hey son, what's up?*
Mom, I just saw the 'Maury Show', and a DNA test proved God isn't my dad!
*OH MY GOD! Does this mean I'm not a virgin?!!*

 

by bigworm
10-14-10
IF YOU WANT TO SOUND SMART...
Son, always remember... you can do anything if you put your mind to it!
I'm only 11 years old, but that sounds like something only an idiot would believe.
I don't really believe it myself.
Then what do you say it for?
...STOP LYING TO YOUR KIDS!
You know, 'cus I'm so crazy! Tee-hee tee-hee!
Wow... I hope this isn't one of those parent-child 'didactic exchanges'.

 

Oh my! Someone didn't paint the floor very well
by bigworm, 10-14-10

 

by bigworm
10-20-10
I'd like to apply for the position of 'Genital Scourge'.
Where are you from?
From the ocean originally, but I just got off the ark.
What are your qualifications?
Noah's crotch.

 

by bigworm
10-20-10
So... do I get the job?
Your only experience is Noah's crotch?
That's most of it, but I also spent some time with a few of his close associates.
There were other people on board?
I was referring to the sheep.

 

by bigworm
10-20-10
So uh, what do I have to do to get the job?
I'm not sure you're qualified.
Hubba hubba?
Got man-milk?
?

 

by bigworm
10-22-10
So... when does a nun become 3 times holier than her cloister-mates?
C'mon! You should be able to get this one!
When you stab 'er with your trident!

 

by bigworm
10-22-10
I got one for you!
Oh boy... let's hear it!
When do you call a crab 'Louie'?

 

by bigworm
10-22-10
My body just told my brain that I have to go poop, but that the poop is so big and hard... that It's probably going to rip my butt-hole on the way out.
My body just told my brain that I have to go poop too, but that my butt-hole is so loose that the poop will probably run out my ass and I won't even know it's happening.
Ooohhhh... I'm so attracted to an incontinent man!
I'm equally attracted to a constipated young woman.
Tell me you wear 'Depens'.
I'm sportin' a 2-pack!

 

by bigworm
10-23-10
I didn't mean to scare you.
You didn't scare me.
If you're not scared, why are you as white as a ghost?
Probably because I am a ghost!
Sorry dude, wrong chicken!

 

by bigworm
10-23-10
I told a friend of mine that I was living the life of a 'Diva'.
She said "Why?" I said "Look, my man puts me on a pedestal."
She said "Barstool pedestals don't count." She's such a bitch!

Showing page 13.

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