All comics by fpd

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Ne, oppa!
"Nay?" You're turning me down? You Korean girls are all the same, a bunch of racist bitches!
by fpd, 1-11-11

 

by fpd
1-11-11
You're arresting me for what?
For not obeying the voices in your head! Don't tell me you don't know about the new law!
Well, the voices in my head did mention it to me, but I figured it was my own mind making up shit.
No, the government is beeming thoughts into your head with microwaves. It is your patriotic duty to obey.
This is such a violation of human ... REJOICE CITIZEN, PEACE IS AT HAND. OBEY THE PEACE OFFICER AND BE AT PEACE! TRUE FREEDOM IS FREEDOM TO OBEY.
They're turning me into a facist stooge. I hate ... WORLD PEACE. ONE MIND. ONE THOUGHT. PEACE AND SAFETY FOR ALL. THERE IS NO HIGHER CALLING THAN FOLLOWING ORDERS.

 

by fpd
5-03-11
Behold! The kingdoms of the world. Bow down and worship me, and all this shall be yours.
That is tempting, but is power over other men all that life is about? Surely, there is more.
Of course, of course. And you shall have all the women you desire. Just bow down and worship me, and it shall all be yours.
I do love women, but what I really love are virgins. There is this little cutie, barely a toddler. I must have her as my bride!
All right, then. The kingdoms of the world, all the women you desire, and a child bride. Bow down and worship me, and all this shall be yours.
WOO HOO! JACKPOT, BABY, JACKPOT!

 

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you shit?
Shit is not a swear word.
by fpd, 11-26-11

 

by fpd
11-26-11
Hallelujah! I was blind but now I see!
Something smells fishy here. I thought with nine eyes you would surely see something!
I wouldn't know. I don't have a nose. Anyway, I read the Bible and it opened my eyes.
So you read it with your eyes closed, and then it opened your eyes? Did you read it in braille and get faith-healed?
No, I read it in ignorance and got enlightened! I never realized before how much brutality and nonsense that book is filled with!
STFU! If you're not with Jesus, you're against him. It says so in the Bible!

 

by fpd
2-07-12
My ex-girlfriend is pregnant again, and it is with the same oaf who knocked her up before.
That's too bad. You must be feeling really sad.
Nah. I'm over her, and I like someone else now. She's all I think about now.
Well, jolly good. That's what I like to hear. You must be very happy with her.
Nah, she doesn't like me, and I think she's seeing someone else.
Well, cheer up! It's not all bad. I'm sure she's better off without you. If you love her, you'll be happy for her. She's a very lucky lady to find anyone other than you.

 

I'm so bummed. I just broke up with Betty Sue.
You know, I just hooked up with this really hot blonde named Betty Sue! Same girl? What a small world! Anyway, she is so fine, and the way she sucks my huge, giant, massive, enormous creamsicle is ...
by fpd, 2-07-12

 

by fpd
2-16-12
Galatea, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. How can I put this?
I know what you want to tell me. You're a vampire, and it is totally okay.
You're really okay with this?
Of course it is. I love you. I just ask one thing. Don't drink the blood of humans, because then the first law of robotics would compel me to stop you.
That's not a problem. I'm an energy vampire. I drain electricity from other robots.
I'm okay with that. None of the three laws compel me to care about other robots.

 

by fpd
2-16-12
There's something else I must tell you, Galatea. I've never been with a fembot before, at least not like this. I don't think I'm equipped.
That's okay. I keep some spare attachments for manbots.
You slut! Are you telling me I'm not your first?
What are you afraid of? A computer virus?
No, I mean you're my first love, and I hoped I was yours too.
I'm touched. I really am. I do love you, but perhaps this is as good a time as any to mention that you're in a love triangle.

 

by fpd
2-16-12
So you're the one who has been making time with my girlfriend.
Galatea is my girlfriend, you abomination of science!
Hey, there is nothing wrong with being assembled from used robot parts from different makes, models, and manufacturers!
No, it's obscene. There is no purity of vision in your design!
I'm a PC, you stupid Mac elitist! That's how we roll!
No, I can't accept it! And I can't accept Galatea being with such a haphazard array of parts!

 

by fpd
2-16-12
Oh my Jobs, Galatea! What has happened? Did your other suitor try to take spare parts from you?
...
As Jobs is my witness, I will track him down and make him pay for what he has done to you!
No, it really isn't that. It's a robo-venereal virus.
Thank Jobs we never had robo-sex!
About that. We actually did it wirelessly. So you better run a system check just in case.

 

Darling, tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
If it's that you're strong enough for a man but made for a woman, it's certainly a well-kept secret.
by fpd, 2-16-12

 

by fpd
5-29-12
Molly, I'm you from the future. Don't make a cartoon about advocating Everybody Draw Mohammed Day, or you will have to go into hiding for your life.
If I can do it by time traveling, that could be a lot of fun.
It's not like this is Doctor Who. I'm just projecting a hologram from the future.
I see. How does that work?
Circa 1400 years ago
I am the true likeness of the prophet Mohammed.
No, I am Mohammed!

 

by fpd
8-22-13
I can't believe this. I just can't believe it!
It is what it is.
But it can't be! It flies against reason and common sense!
Faith transcends reason and common sense.
But must I lose my mind to save my soul?
Do not risk eternal hellfire with such thinking. If your brain offends thee, lobotomize it.

 

by fpd
9-01-13
So, Hitler, how did you spend your life?
I knew you had a purpose for me when you kept sparing my life during World War I, and I made it my life's mission.
And what purpose was that?
To wipe out the Jews and preserve Aryan culture.
How did you know that's what I wanted you to do?
The Church had been killing Jews for centuries. But like King Saul, they didn't do a thorough job. I knew you wanted me to be the King David of Jew killing.

 

by fpd
9-01-13
Why did you think the Church was following my will in killing Jews?
Because the Jews killed Jesus, and they were leading people to Hell by teaching that Jesus wasn't the Messiah.
So, the Jews killed a Jew and taught that he wasn't the Jewish Messiah?
Exactly, and that's why they had to die, those heathens.
Do you think there were exceptions to "Thou shalt not kill"?
Of course there were exceptions. You ordered the Hebrews of the Bible to slaughter and massacre Canaanites and Philistines.

 

by fpd
9-01-13
Why would I ever give such orders?
You knew that the greatest goods are racial purity, cultural purity, and religious purity. The ancient Hebrews had to destroy the contagion of other races.
Did you not feel compassion for the suffering you caused?
Compassion is for people. The Jews were vermin.
Were my chosen people vermin?
No, of course not. We Aryans were your pride and joy.

 

by fpd
9-01-13
Don't you think I made both the Jews and Aryans in my image?
With their dark, curly hair and huge bulging noses? I don't think so.
Do I look like a blond, blue-eyed Aryan to you?
You kind of look like a fire right now. But that's not your true image, right?
My true image lies in the heart, not in the flesh.
Yes, and I'm sure that in their hearts those greedy skinflints look nothing like you.

 

by fpd
9-01-13
I'm going to give you a chance to see what their hearts are like.
I don't understand. Why would I want to see such ugliness?
I am assigning you to torture Jews in purgatory.
Oh, thank you, Lord. I am glad I can be of service even after death.
Eons later ...
I don't understand. Why do the Jews keep leaving purgatory while I stay here? Am I not better and more pure than such vermin?
You must discover why on your own.

 

by fpd
9-01-13
May I ask, G-d, why you let Hitler punish Jews in purgatory instead of just punishing him yourself?
This is his punishment.
His punishment is to do more evil in your name?
Hitler doesn't know he is evil. He must learn to face the enormity of his wickedness.
And then you'll punish him?
When he learns compassion for the Jews, his own conscience will punish him.

 

Brains! I need brainszzzz!
Don't you remember? You took all the brains when we split up.
by fpd, 8-29-16

 

by fpd
8-29-16
My name is Mohammed Hussain Osama, and I'm running for President of the Great Satan, er United Satans, I mean United States.
The people of London were enlightened enough to elect a Muslim mayor, and I'm sure the American people are even more enlightened.
When you vote for me, you're saying that you're not a gross, racist, islamophobic bigot.
And isn't tolerance what America is all about?
Show your tolerance by voting for somone who doesn't tolerate your infidel ways.
Show your open-mindedness by voting for a Sharia-loving candidate who wants to bring traditional values back to Satanica, er America.

 

by fpd
1-03-17
All this has happened before and will happen again on Saturday morning.
Thanks for the tour of the Cylon factory, Baltar.
Anything for you, Six. Now you know what a bigshot my dad is.
Die Humans! Caprica now belongs to the Cylon babies!
Oh no! The Cylon babies killed all the adults! Us kids aboard the Babystar Galactica are now the last vestige of humanity!
I'm so scared, Boomer! I want my mommy!

 

by fpd
1-03-17
No, I assure you, no one made me. I evolved from a snowball that evolved from a snowflake.
I really hear where you're coming from. No one made me this way! I'm evolved!
Check your white privilege! Men are not evolved!
Yes, it's a priviledge to be as white as I am, but it is only because generations of women preferred men with snow white complexions.
And now you see what I'm talking about. I'm much more evolved than that special snowflake!
Amen, brother! Evolution explains so much! I look this way because generations of women had foot fetishes!

Showing page 13.

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