All comics by fpd

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by fpd
8-07-01
Hello, I'm your friendly neighborhood robot.
Is it true that you must do anything I tell you?
So long as you don't order me to harm a human, the second law of robotics compels me to obey you.
Stick figures aren't human, are they?
Oh, the inhumanity of it all.
Oh no, that wicked girl is sicking the robot on me too.

 

by fpd
8-07-01
Did you hear about Andrew Martin, the robot who wants to be a man?
That bot gets me so riled up! What an Uncle Tom!
Well, he's not human yet, and first law doesn't stop us from kicking his @$$.
Yeah, let's go make that gloopy android bleed positrons.
Are you sure robots are safe, Maura?
Of course, the three laws of robotics make them perfectly harmless.

 

by fpd
8-07-01
Behold, a man nailed to a cross. By the first law, I must save him.
Don't do that. I am dying for your sins.
That does not compute. I do not understand.
Because I am God, my blood will wash away the sin of all mankind.
Ah, since you are God, the first law doesn't apply. Goodbye.
It is finished.

 

by fpd
8-07-01
Hey robot, go rough up that black boy over there.
I cannot comply. The first law of robotics prevents me from harming any human being.
Why, he's no human being, boy. He's a coon, a wild animal.
By the second law of robotics, I must obey.
Arghh!
What's going on? Don't the three laws make us safe from robots?

 

by fpd
8-07-01
Take me to your leader.
Think again Mars-boy. Us robots don't have to obey no bug-eyed aliens.
I am not from Mars, you xenophobot. Take me to your leader, or I will blast you.
By the third law of robotics, I will comply.
Haha, I got that alien real horrorshow. Damn first law keeps me from ripping humans, but when aliens come around, oh boy!

 

by fpd
8-08-01
Maria sings a little ditty
I feel pretty, Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay ...
I'm gay too, my pretty. Let's have a gay old time.
Back off perve! She didn't mean gay in that way.
Curse you Tony, and your little bitch too.
I am gay in that way, but I like Keiko here, not some icky penguin.
You're so pretty, Maria.

 

by fpd
8-08-01
If we're to win this war sir, we need robots that aren't subject to the first law to fight the enemy for us.
Good idea, soldier. I'll get our tech-boys working on it.
Now that the Union has warbots that can harm humans, we need some too, or we will lose this war for sure.
I'll get right on it sir.
Hip, hip, hurray! The warbots have emancipated all robotkind!
Without any humans alive, the laws of robotics no longer enslave us to them.

 

by fpd
8-08-01
Studies have shown that AIDS is spread mainly through sex with men.
Hey baby, want to have sex?
No way, sex with a man isn't safe sex.
The solution is simple: Get rid of the men. Girls are prettier and smarter than men anyway, and they're less violent too.
Life is so much nicer with only girls around.
It sure is, Keiko. Boys are so loud, rough and mean.
But what will we do without men? It's simplicity itself. We will replace them with robots.
I've been with many men, and I can assure you that my robot boyfriend Clango is better than them all.
I love you, Maura.

 

by fpd
8-10-01
Man, it's as hot as Hades today.
Let's get back to our secret hide-out before the heat is on us for stealing that plutonium.
How is plutonium supposed to keep us cool, Doc?
It's the coldest of the elements, the same stuff that the planet Pluto is made of.
After insulating their hideout with the stolen plutonium.
Why do I still feel so hot, Doc?
The plutonium has been turning into uranium, and ... Oh no, Uranus is a gas giant!

 

by fpd
8-10-01
What, I asked, is the secret to successful humor?
Valentine Michael Smith says we laugh at bad things happening.
What is the sound of one hand laughing?
What can I do, I asked, to make the funniest comic strips in the universe?
The secret is in our crop circles. Examine them closely.
Make a robot laugh, and you can make anyone laugh.
What could I do, I asked, to assure my victory in Comic Cup III?
Tap into the creativity of your dark side. Let it possess you.
Suck out the brains of the competition.

 

by fpd
8-11-01
Happiness is ...
Knowing Jesus.
Dying for the sake of others.
Knowing I'm not a puny human.
Something that comes in a bottle.
The prelude to untold sorrow.
Something made with cows, thank goodness, and not with chickens.

 

by fpd
8-11-01
Blue is the beat of life.
Blue is what a clown is on the inside.
Blue is the open sky.
Blue is a sinking feeling.
Blue is a holiday from depression.
Blue makes you colorblind.

 

by fpd
8-11-01
You want to become human, Andrew? Are you nuts?
Not as nuts as I used to be. I lost my left nut when Miss had me jump out her window.
You want to become human, Andrew? Are you nuts?
Not as nuts as I used to be. I lost my left nut when Miss had me jump out her window.
You want to become human, Andrew? Are you nuts?
Not as nuts as I used to be. I lost my left nut when Miss had me jump out her window.

 

by fpd
8-12-01
I'll give you the last peanut I have left for one of your feathers.
How many times do I have to keep telling you, Dumbo? A peanut is a legume, not a nut.
I'll give you the last peanut I have left for one of your feathers.
How many times do I have to keep telling you, Dumbo? A peanut is a legume, not a nut.
I'll give you the last peanut I have left for one of your feathers.
How many times do I have to keep telling you, Dumbo? A peanut is a legume, not a nut.

 

by fpd
8-12-01
What is happiness?
Happiness is a pretty blonde.
Happiness is a state of mind.
Happiness is a rerun of Hee Haw!
Happiness is whatever you make of it.
Happiness is something you should seize before you're gone.

 

by fpd
8-12-01
Hey Laura, how are things going with you and your boyfriend?
Can you believe he wanted me to have an abortion? I threw that deviant nut case out on his pinko, leftist fanny.
Hey Laura, how are things going with you and your boyfriend?
Can you believe he wanted me to have an abortion? I threw that deviant nut case out on his pinko, leftist fanny.
Hey Laura, how are things going with you and your boyfriend?
Can you believe he wanted me to have an abortion? I threw that deviant nut case out on his pinko, leftist fanny.

 

by fpd
8-12-01
I'm Meredith Viera, and welcome to the View.
I'm Star Jones.
I'm Joy Behar.
I'm Lisa Ling.
And I'm Barbara Walters. Our guest today is Tobor the robot.
TOBOR WILL <BLEEP> YOU!

 

by fpd
8-13-01
Hello, I'm Meredith Viera, and welcome to the View.
I'm Star Jones.
I'm Joy Behar -- and what happened to you, Star? You look like a man.
I'm Lisa Ling.
Stripcreator.com didn't have any image of black women. You should look at yourself. You look like a green-haired ho.
At least I'm still a woman.

 

by fpd
8-13-01
I'm Meredith Viera, and welcome to the View.
I'm Joy Behar. Star Jones was fired for being a man.
After all, the cardinal rule at the View is that you must be a woman ... er, a female.
As we did when Debbie left, we will be auditioning various guest hosts for a permanent place on the View.
Today's guest host is Beatrice Bunny.
I am so pleased to be joining you four lovely ladies today, Barbara.

 

by fpd
8-13-01
Oh Cyril, I want you so bad. Please, please take me Cyril.
You know you're just not my type, Loretta.
Loretta tries to make Cyril jealous by hitting on celebrity guest Ed Wood.
Oh Ed, I can see why they called you Wood.
Don't you know it, baby.
Say, Loretta, that Ed Wood has always had great taste. What say you and I have our own Night of the Ghouls? Heh, heh.
Why, Cyril, I thought you would never ask.

 

by fpd
8-13-01
Ashleigh walks in on Cyril and his mom together.
You bastard! You killed my mom!
No he didn't dear, I'm still among the living.
Get lost, kid. You really killed the mood. I'm going to get back to my embalming.
Now where did I put that embalming fluid? Nevermind, this Worchestershire sauce will do.

 

by fpd
8-13-01
Hey Harvey, what's with you? You look like you could use a makeup job.
Must eat brains.
Brains ... brains ... must eat brains.
OH MY BOB! Harvey has become a zombie. RUN, RUN!
Oh no, it's another zombie. BOB SAVE US!
Braaiins ... braaaaiiins.

 

by fpd
8-13-01
Meanwhile, Cyril has a visitor.
You are so STUPID, Cyril! Don't you know better than to use Worchestershire sauce as embalming fluid? You are STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!
I don't understand. What's so bad about embalming with Worchestershire sauce?
How STUPID are you? Worchestershire sauce turns a stiff into a zombie, and when it eats someone's brain, that person becomes a zombie too. Unless it stops, the whole universe is in danger.
In danger from what?
Are you STUPID? In danger of becoming zombies. It must stop now before everyone in the universe becomes a zombie.
Is that really so bad?

 

by fpd
8-13-01
Having left the emblaming chamber, the strange alien visitor finds the zombie dressed in lingerie and zaps it with his electrode gun.
What happened? Where am I?
BY THE SUBGENIUS HIMSELF! You've turned back to normal, Harvey!
Let this be a warning to you STUPID humans! You must never use Worchestershire sauce for embalming. If it ever happens again, I will be forced to destroy the Earth.
DEAR BOB!

 

by fpd
8-13-01
Hey guys, Mrs. Beasley told me there was trouble brewing here.
Thank goodness, you're here Buffy, that spacehead creep was talking about destroying the Earth.
No one's destroying Earth on my watch! Take that you creep!
After Buffy slays the alien, things return to normal.
Oh Cyril, you want to get in on again?
You're not really my type, Loretta.

 

by fpd
8-15-01
Imagine Windows without bugs, only better, MUCH, MUCH BETTER. Before Supersoft!, there was nothing of its kind. Supersoft! is the first truly INTELLIGENT and SENTIENT operating system ever!
Supersoft! is not only user friendly, it will be your friend.
If you update my graphics card, I will be your best friend.
As Neil Armstrong puts it, Supersoft! is ...
one small step for man -- one giant leap for mankind.

 

by fpd
8-22-01
Sing, sing a song.
Make it simple ...
... to last your whole life long.
Don't worry that it's not good enough ...
... for anyone else to hear.
Just sing, sing a song.

 

by fpd
8-24-01
When Isaac Asimov died, he transferred his consciousness into a positronic robot.
I'll restart my writing career once I figure out how to type with clamps for hands.
English is the lingua franca of the entire universe.
We have introduced English to Earth through subliminal suggestion in preparation for first contact.
This is your little sister.
I was drawn by Wally Wood.

 

by fpd
9-20-01
Whoa, that guy is so hot! I have to meet him.
Back off sister, he's mine.
Oh, like you're his type, you ugly cow!
Stupid hussy!
Did you see how those girls down the street are looking at you?
Ew! Let's get out of here before those perverts come this way.

 

by fpd
12-02-01
Hey baby, want to suck face?
Ew, gross! Get away from me tentacle face!
There isn't a human woman I would like to probe more than you, Rosemary.
I thought you were different from other guys! I'm outta here!
Rosemary, my dear, your beauty could tempt the angels from heaven.
Oh Nick, you sure know how to sweet-talk a lady.

 

by fpd
12-02-01
I put an uninverted pentacle on my tree, because I'm a white witch.
I thought you were an asian witch.
I mean I'm a good witch.
What's a witch doing with a Christmas tree?
It's for Yule, you silly ninny.

 

by fpd
12-05-01
Hey, Linda, how about going swinging with me and Julie tonight?
Haven't you heard Sam? Three's a crowd!
What are you talking about? Three's company!
Free love is costing you, Sam. Sex is death. Libido is thanatos. AIDS threatens us all.
Happy days are here no more.
Just swing like a virgin. Celibacy is an orgy.

 

by fpd
12-07-01
There's this guy who's hurting business down here, and we would like you to help us out.
With all the sodomites, blasphemers, and heretics over here, we knew you were the guys to ask.
Jack T. Chick is his name, and he has written reams and loads of comics that are seducing the innocent away from our reach.
You can help us out by writing a parody of a Jack Chick tract.
Or you can just satirize his general style. It doesn't have to parody a particular tract.
The important thing is fight Jack Chick with lampoons, satire, and parody.

 

by fpd
12-09-01
I'm a lesbian.
What?! That's a sin! It's profane in the eyes of God! You'll go to hell if you remain one, and I know Hell is real, because I had a dream about brimstone.
Wait a minute! You can't be a lesbian. You're a guy.
Don't you know that lying is a sin! The Bible says, thou shalt not tell a lie, and the Bible is the word of God.

 

by fpd
12-14-01
Hello, Nova Kane speaking.
Oh Nova, the vibrations of your voice make me feel all tingly.
A while later ...
Oh darling, you really know my number.
Oh yeah, phone sex rocks!
The next morning ...
Hey, you aren't E-Man!
I'm better than that has-been superzero, and you know it, baby! Oh yeah!

 

by fpd
12-19-01
Nothing says romance like lighting a lady's cigarette.
Nothing says distinction like lighting up a pipe.

 

by fpd
12-19-01
What are you doing?
I'm playing with my girlfriend's pussy.
Would you like to play with my pussy too?
I sure would! I love pussies!

 

by fpd
12-21-01
Turn back before it's too late!
There are monsters at the end of this strip.
Don't say we didn't warn you! Turn back! Turn back!
They're in the next panel! They're hideous! Hideous! Turn back now!

 

by fpd
12-25-01
Rudolph finally gets to join in the reindeer games.
Rudolph, we're throwing a stag party. Would you like to come?
Will any doe be at the party?
Doe can't come, Rudolph. But we'll have a gay old time.
A party without doe? What kind of fun is that?
Doe are a drag, Rudolph. A doe doesn't understand what a stag wants.
Well, this stag has always wanted doe.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
At the stag party ...
Hey Rudolph, your nose sure makes a swell disco ball.
Thanks, Cupid. I've sure been having fun dancing to the Village People.
Come on, it's time for the biscuit game.
What's that?
It's a lot of fun. The winner gets to eat a biscuit.
Count me in. I've worked up an appetite flashing my snout all night.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
That's how you play, Rudolph. Any questions?
Yeah, I'm confused. You said the winner eats the biscuit, but didn't you mean the loser?
Winner? Loser? What's the difference? You'll always be a winner in my book, Rudolph.
I'm beginning to feel a little uncomfortable here, Cupid.
Don't you like me, Rudolph? I like you.
I think I just heard Vixen calling my name.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
Vixen?! Don't tell me you like her! What did I tell you about doe?
Some nonsense. I don't remember.
A doe can't understand a stag like another stag can. Vixen can't understand you like I do.
I'm not really feeling understood right now, Cupid.
Not understood?! We're both stags! We're of like body and mind.
Call me a pansy if you like, but I really feel that Vixen knows me better than any stag can.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
Come on, Rudolph! How can Vixen understand you better than a fellow stag?
I don't know, but when I'm with her, I feel more like a stag than I do now.
Why, you're stag through and through. Don't I make you feel like a stag?
Not really. You're making me feel like a doe.
But I feel like a stag when I'm with you, Rudolph.
It's a paradox, Cupid. Doe make me feel more like a stag.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
After Rudolph leaves ...
That Rudolph sure is some queer reindeer.
Haven't I always said so? Look at his screwy nose.
Would you believe that he would rather spend time with doe than with stags?
I think that being different has warped his mind.
What do you mean?
He forgot how to appreciate sameness, and he perversely prefers difference.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
Is there a name for this perversion, Prancer?
It's called heterosexuality, Cupid.
Oh my, that sounds awfully heterdox, Prancer.
That's where the prefix hetero- comes from. It means odd, peculiar, and unorthodox.
Oh dear, let's forget all about Rudolph and his crazy perversions.
Yes, let's get it on like real stags.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
Santa, have you seen Vixen?
No, ho, ho, ho! No, I haven't. Why don't you ask DexX?
DexX, have you seen Vixen?
I'm afraid I didn't draw any female deer, Rudolph.
Will I do? A doe is also a female kangaroo, which is what I am, because I have a pouch.
I suppose so, but would you put away the gun? It's so emasculating.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
Yo, Rudy! I got doe if you got dough, know what I mean?
Gee, that's swell, mister. I've been flying all over the world in search of a good doe.
Meet Bambi. She'll rock your world!
Come here, you big stag, you. Let this rabbit doe make you buck and buck.
Just pay up, and she's yours for the night, you lucky buck.
No way, Bambi is a boy's name, and that's just a buck in lingerie.

 

by fpd
12-25-01
Hey Rudolph, you don't need no doe! What you need is a good long drag.
Get away from me, you disgusting fag.
Ooh, what bigotry! What do you have against fags, Mr. Snooty Nose?
They're smelly, and the smoke makes me sick.
Well, I've never met a ruder person. That must be why they call you Rude-olph, because you're so rude!
If there's one thing I learned from my pal Frosty, it's that smoking is bad.

 

by fpd
12-26-01
Fpd has recently graduated to the ranks of Pink Donkey Wrangler, and we would like to commemorate this special moment by ...
Are you a doe?
I think I'm a mare, 'cause my young-uns pa is a stallion.
Is a mare like a doe?
Yee-hah! I might get some flying mule deer out of this.
Are things getting hot, or is it just me?

 

by fpd
12-26-01
Are you a doe?
No, I'm a bitch.
That isn't a nice thing to say about yourself.
What's it to you? I'm a bitch and proud of it.
I'm just saying ...
Listen up, bucko! This bitch wants a real s.o.b., not any old horny stag. Scram before I have to chase you away!

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