All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
7-12-04
How was the holiday to the States?
Shite. One minute I'm up to my ears in fanny. Next thing I know...
...I can't get so much as a slap from a girl; plus all these guys in leather are blowing kisses at me.
Ha ha ha! What was that about?
I dunno. Weird day for Americans I suppose. Bush for one said he had a phone call from God...

 

by jes_lawson
7-24-04
Hey! You should do a comic strip about getting sick in France! That would be funny!
What's so funny about my bowels explosively evacuating themselves in the middle of a crowded wine warehouse?
Oh...

 

by jes_lawson
7-25-04
Jes, why don't you go and get your mother and I a drink?
No problem, it'll save me having to witness your appauling French skills.
No problem! My French might be a bit rusty, but there's not a Frenchman alive I can't deal with!
Oh shit!
Alors! Vous ete demandin' le biere? Mwaha! Pour un biere para el Anglais, je suis mit der l'eau du urine du l'horse gepouring!

 

by jes_lawson
7-25-04
Je voudrais un grand biere pour mon pére. Ma mére désire un café au lait. Et pour moi, aussi une biére.
Huh?
Le pompt du customeur et askin' for dos beers et der coffee mit der cow-lactationing. Et NO dans le piss dans le bieres!
Aha! Le bartender est le understanding!
Wotcha mate, two lagers and a coffee. 19 Euros, buddy.

 

by jes_lawson
7-26-04
Go into my room and feed Tweety for me would you?
Sure, professor.
Uh-oh...
Hmm...looks like I got your water bottle mixed up with Lance Armstrong's again...

 

by jes_lawson
7-29-04
Aw, c'mon, Tiffani, take me back! I can change!
Sly, you're right. I was stupid to go out with another teen TV star. Can we go make out later?
Whu..uh...yeah! That's rad! But what changed your mind?
He was hung like a mouse. And I don't think it'll be getting any bigger any time soon.
Whatchu talkin' bout, Steffani?

 

by jes_lawson
7-29-04
Alf Garnett is running for President. But he has a secret past, one that he doesn't want you to know about.
In the 1970's, Alf made a series of rascist sit-coms on UK television.
Darkies? Send 'em all back I say! Up the 'Ammers!
Blimey!
When confronted about his controversial views, Mr Garnett met us with a confused stare. Do YOU want this man as your president?

 

by jes_lawson
7-29-04
Alf Garnett is a patriot. Alf Garnett is a man who has stuck by his policies no matter how controversial.
Since 1974, Alf Garnett's views on terrorism and terrorist suspects has been uncompromising
Send 'em all back! Up the 'Ammers!
Blimey!
So this fall, vote Alf Garnett. He doesn't know it, but he's the strongest president we'll have in fighting the War on Terror. Vote Garnett.

 

by jes_lawson
8-02-04
Hey! Did you see where my mobile phone got to the other night?
I think Jon was sitting next to it.
Jon? Oh, no! He's the guy who sticks small vibrating objects up his backside!
Uh Oh! And our phone number is one digit off a pizza delivery chains!
If it helps, the deceased was found grinning his bollocks off, in a phone booth, surrounded by 17 extra cheese Sicilians.

 

by jes_lawson
8-03-04
It's been 6 months since my ex left me. I can't help wondering what she's doing now.
She was a fool to dump you man, she's probably thinking the same thing.
Joining this nunnery ws the best thing we ever did. I don't miss men at all!
Me neither, although sometimes I think about the guy who made me join here...
Dude, seriously! What the hell were you doing in a nunnery 6 months ago?
Detatching my penis and leaving it lying around to sex up horny sisters. And then this blonde just jumped on me...

 

by jes_lawson
8-05-04
MMMMMMMM AH!
Oh my god, I can't believe you just took a crap in Satan's underwear drawer!
Relax. Satan and I always play practical jokes on eachother. Besides, how could he possibly top this one?
I don't know ... Satan's pretty crafty ...
...and that's how you make a split-level bird feeder from the bones of the Damned!
Wow! Did you macrame those Infernal wall-hangings yourself as well?

 

by jes_lawson
8-05-04
It says on your CV your self-appointed job title was "1337 Y4cht h4XX0r"
Yes. My role was to PWN at writing simulations for boats.
And you say your mission statement was "We are building a maritime chart system of extraordinary magnitude, forged in the spirits of our ancestors"?
It required towtawl concentwayshun.
You weren't very well supervised in your previous role, were you?
I'm writing this in work now while I'm watching the Batman teaser. What do you think?

 

by jes_lawson
8-05-04
Employee! Did you hear that our supervisor is swimming from the office to Six Mile Island?
Yeah, and everyone except me is bunking off work to watch. Well I've got other plans.
Good luck supervisor! We decided to follow you in the company robo-sloop!
Thanks guys! The currents look a little choppy, I appreciate the assistance.
Remember, he gets halfway across, then make it look like the boat's hit him. Hinako and Suki will be yours by nightfall.

 

by jes_lawson
8-05-04
Employee! With less than 10 days of your contract left, do you think you could just once arrive before 10am?
*yawn*...sorry boss, but I've got a sleeping disorder you know. And I do my hours, you know that.
What is your next employer going to say when you arrive late all the time?
That I put the "bed" in "embedded systems!"
Very amusing employee, now if you're finished we need to...
Bog off! I'm trying to make a strip out of this.

 

by jes_lawson
8-05-04
Hey! I hear you've got a programming job in the outskirts of London! Good luck with the commute - ha ha!
Look, I know I swore I wouldn't "do" the whole London Orbital Motorway thing, but I'm going to give it a while and see how it goes.
6 months later...
Tonight's headlines, the latest in the spate of so-called "M25" bombings.
These terrible attacks in and on the capital's main ring road have closed it every Monday morning for the past 32 weeks!
LIVE
Detective, you think you've found a pattern to the bombings?
It wasn't obvious until we turned the map upside down, but the bomb sites spell out the word "SOFTWARE". Frankly, we're baffled.

 

by jes_lawson
8-08-04
Mr. President, for some reason, we can outlaw gay marriage by taking over a South American waterway!
A man, a plan, a canal...Panama! I like it! Invade immediatley! Get General Nip Men on it!
General! Left wing guerillas on store bought mountain pack animals have sabotaged our plan! They've turned the whole country into a giant S&M club!
Damn 'em pinkos! A mall llamas! OK! Nip Men mad!
Meanwhile...
A man, a plan, a butt tub - Anal Panama! Join the revolution, comrade!
Hot damn! Where do I register?

 

by jes_lawson
8-11-04
Employee! What are all these scraps of paper doing lying around?
They're for my Management qualification. I've got to collate these, cross-reference them in 9 separate files, index them and put them in two separate folders.
Comprehended. Continue with whatever pointless tasks remain.
Yeah. Right after that I have to practice pushing a pen. But first, I need to index these somehow. Maybe...the numbers 1-50 in no discernable order...
Meanwhile, in a secret office location
What's wrong?
My filing clerk sense is tingling. And by tingling, I mean, stinging like I stepped in a hornet's nest.

 

by jes_lawson
8-11-04
Have no fear! Filing Clerk, VIP is here!
Aaagh!
Hey..uh...calm down! I'm here to help you with your filing?
Great! What do you charge?
Nothing. The satisfaction of order is enough payment for me!
You work for nothing, eh? You'd fit right in around here! Know anything about software engineering?

 

by jes_lawson
8-16-04
Oh man, I've seen more order in a mental institution for retired marketing executives- So what's your filing system like?
Basically, I've been writing numbers on the files, and supergluing them to the side of stray dogs.
grak!
1-5 are in order for unit A, but unit C references elements 27, 41, 27a, 38œ² and õ²²ŸÉ§Ä minus the square root of Fido...
*huerk!*
Wait...some of the dogs kind of form an order when you throw them some scraps...Filing Clerk?

 

by jes_lawson
8-16-04
Nicely done, slave! Jon, aka, Filing Clerk VIP, is no more. Your introductory session is on the house!
WOAH! LOOK BEHIND YOU IT'S A BUNCH OF SUBMISSIVE MIDDLE MANAGEMENT EXECUTIVES WITH BONUSES!
Where?!
*brickido*
The deal's off. Filing Clerk's locked up and working for me now. Domo arigato gozaimashita, Penguin Lady.

 

by jes_lawson
8-21-04
I'm still really upset about Fluffy - it's been a week since I last saw her.
Hey! You know what'll cheer you up? Some Chinese food from that new place in town!
Let's see...egg foo yung, special fried rice and...a "37" please...
Hey, this tastes great! And look, a free gift!
A... little leather strap with bells on...must be some kind of good luck charm! Heh.

 

by jes_lawson
8-26-04
When I can think of a strip to go with the title of this comic, I'll write one.
Aha! Here's Paula now! Want a Snickers?
Yes, but only a Fun Size one, please.
A whole Marathon was too much for you, eh?
*munch*

 

by jes_lawson
8-27-04
You and I need to have a little dialogue about your gaming. You're wasting your life - games aren't real and can't teach you to...
Shh! This is the bit where I need to concentrate...
...do anything...
Up down up down left right left right B A!
...useful. And another thing...
Yes! Bonus Antarctica level!

 

by jes_lawson
9-02-04
So how's the new job working out? Have you made any strips about it yet?
ZZZzzz...
Oh, right...the 100 mile round trip, the pressure, the late nights, the nightmares...
ZZZzzz...
...and the sleeping pills I slipped in your absinth.
ZZZzzz...

 

by jes_lawson
9-04-04
Welcome to SoftwareCo! Please take these induction videos home and watch them!
No problemo.
Look out Mr. Grimshaw! You're not bending properly at the knees! 'Ecky Thump!
What the hell do I have any business watching a training video on manual lifting for?
Ah! The Mystery Object of Heaviness has arrived for the new software guy's Initiaition Rites!

 

by jes_lawson
9-11-04
Hi there! I'm your team leader.
What kind of team is this? Dragon Slaying Team Alpha? I thought we made teleconferencing software!
We do! Say hello to your new best friend!
My new best friend is a telephone? I was expecting more of a wisecracking party animal myself. What kind of catchphrase is "Press star now"?

 

by jes_lawson
9-11-04
So I heard the Canadian pro hockey league is on strike!
Holy crap! How will they cope with that?
If I don't get to see some fist fighting I'm gonna smash something, eh?
Gragh! I can't take it any more! I'm rounding up an angry mob and taking over New York, hosers!
On second thoughts, it doesn't really bear thinking aboot.

 

by jes_lawson
9-13-04
Camp X-Ray (or is it Delta?) Guantanamo Bay
O.K. Khalif, that's enough testicle zapping for one day, there's a hurricane a-comin'!
So you finally read the part about prohibiting "cruel and unusual punishments" then, Private England?
WHOOSH!
What the jihad...? This is like that in that film Rupert Everett likes!
Quite right, Khalif! Thanks to the hurricane and some Bollywood magic, click your heels together three times and you'll be in paradise!
Oh Allah, NOOOO!
Hi, welcome to Disneyland! Please queue here for the 24 hour Olsen Twins marathon!

 

by jes_lawson
9-16-04
Hurricane Ivan. Landfall on New Orleans, y'all.
Suh, we still drinkin'!
Bush versus Kerry. They both try the same tactics.
Your war record...
...sucks!
Johnny Ramone dies. Punk's not dead, just sedated.
Gabba Gabba...
...Hey!

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-04
Uh-oh, I smell trouble. What is it?
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
The good news.
The good news is that we found 637 different bugs in the latest version of your software.
Sweet merciful...I...I suppose it's good you caught them all. So what's the bad news?
The bad news is that the bad news is exactly the same as the good news.

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-04
So...if I had asked for the bad news first...
...I'd have told you exactly the same thing.
So, what you're saying is, that the situation's outlook depends on whether we're naturally optimistic or pessimistic.
Precisely. No matter what way we look at a situation, it remains the same.
So what you're saying is, I have 637 different bugs to fix.
You catch on quick.

 

by jes_lawson
9-20-04
Hey, do you want to buy a DVD? I've got Deep Water and Collateral, and Alien Vs. Predator
Or maybe you'd like this copy of Doom 3, only $5!
I think you're misinterpreting "Talk like a pirate day"

 

by jes_lawson
9-20-04

 

by jes_lawson
9-20-04
Luke! I...am your father!
That's not true...that's impossible! NOOOO!
OK Darth, I can now reveal the results of the paternity test... and you AIN'T the Jedi daddy!
What the F*CK Jerry?...Then...who?
21 years earlier...
Mmm-hmm-hmm hee-hee-hee! So Senator Amidala,teh unconsenshual sex you are likeing, yes?
Oh, Yoda! Maybe it's the metachlorians or your Jedi mind powers, but I'm finding your 900 year old grizzled green frame incredibly sexy right now...

 

by jes_lawson
9-27-04
So realistically, a tax-free ISA is the best way to invest...hang on, I think I hear the door....
'Scuse me...have you seen any werewolves, demons or Nosferatus around here that might need killing?
No. Try Sunnydale.
Tufty the Vampire Slayer.

 

by jes_lawson
9-27-04
Have you ever shoed a horse?
No.
But I told a donkey to fuck off once!

 

by jes_lawson
9-28-04
What's going on? I can't see! This corner is too dark! Wait, whose hand is this?
Surprise!
Ha-HA! You have just shaken hands with me, Robert Mugabe, international pariah!
God dammit!
And that wasn't my hand...

 

by jes_lawson
9-29-04
With Broadband, you can download the Smiths entire back catalogue in 15 minutes.
Just to see if Morrisey is as an annoying prick as you remember, just because you can.
Then, when you go over your monthly download limit, raise an angry fist to the sky and curse yourself.

 

by jes_lawson
9-29-04
If professing a belief in something indefensible...
and expressing it in a statement in the form of "If x is wrong, I don't want to be right", where x is indefensible,
then I don't want to be...
Shut the fuck up for a minute,bitch, I'm trying to tell you I love you.

 

by jes_lawson
10-02-04
So what kind of ISA should I get?
I like the cash-only ones. You can save up to 3 grand tax-free and...damn! The bloody door again!
The fork do you want?
Wotcha mate, seen any undead about? Cos I can sort 'em out cheap for ya...
Who was it this time?
Scruffy the Vampire Slayer

 

by jes_lawson
10-05-04
Huh? What the hell? What time is it? Oh shit! I'm late for work!
My alarm clock's dead, the power must be out. Well, better open the curtains...
SWISH
God dammit, not again!
I'm going to flag this as surreal and consider it later...

 

by jes_lawson
10-07-04
Welcome to the 1st annual UnNobel awards for Bad Science.
Without further ado, the winner in the Chemistry prize is...Dr. Hefgod Pederast!
Briefly, Dr. Pederast, would you explain what your research achieved?
I determined the exact formula and ratio of poop, sweat, urine and AirWick needed to make a gym changing room smell its theoretical worst!

 

by jes_lawson
10-07-04
The award for biology goes to Dr. H Rommel Fizzbin, and Dr. Erwin R. Q. Quango.
They were able to genetically engineer mice with multi-pocketed nutsacks!
By 2024, it is predicted humans will be able to store tools, bagels, mobile phones and up to 5 lbs of loose change in their scrotums!

 

by jes_lawson
10-07-04
The award for Music Technology goes to... Suge Knight, in association with the Fujitsu-Sony Centre for Dross.
They have built a mathematical model that allows them to predict the future of commercial R'n'B.
Basically, by 2012, it will all be based around either "Ready or Not" by the Fugees, or Puff Daddy reading stockmarket quotes!

 

by jes_lawson
10-07-04
The award for Psychology goes to Dr. Marian Fromes, who has determined the most annoying sound to man.
"... a combination of someone cycling through all the ring tones on their mobile phone, a 4 year old repeatedly asking the same question, and William Hung."
Dr. Fromes is reportedly selling her research to noted interested parties in the Guantanamo Bay area.

 

by jes_lawson
10-11-04
Going a bit fast there buddy and...say? What's that...eurgh...that...smell? You been on an all day Bender or...eurgh!
Sorry sir, yeah I...uh, kinda got the smell of...
Jesus Christ, you ain't kidding! What in the hell have you been drinkin'?
Uhh...Soylent Cola, sir.
Never heard of it. Say, what does that taste like?
It varies from person to person. Oh my! Yes!

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-04
LIVE
David, did you deliberately foul a player in order to serve out a suspension in a match against a weaker team?
Yes I did, Gerald!
LIVE
Most people say I haven't the brains to think professionally like that but I have!
LIVE
Though not, it would seem, the brains to keep quiet about it.
My wife is a singer.

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-04
Hey, I heard we're getting relieved by the British units!
Ha ha! What are they going to stop the insurgency with? Cups of tea and poor dental hygiene?
Actually I heard they're going to send a Scottish regiment.
God help those poor Iraqi bastards...

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-04
Now listen up, men! To cover Bush's arse, we're being redeployed to Fallujah!
Fallujah?
It's an extremely hazardous area, scarred by poverty, crime and gunfire alike. It's so bad, it's likely you won't leave it alive.
Worse than Kilmarnock?
I'm afraid so.

 

by jes_lawson
10-19-04
Dear God! Private, what happened here?
The Black Watch, sir!
They met some resistance?
I'll say! They sobered up and were looking for a pub!
That doesn't explain the level of destr...
We tried pacifying them with some American beer, sir!

Showing page 13.

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