All comics by russman

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by russman
5-11-18
So had a really long talk with Dez about us.
You know I've been with a lot of guys.
I've heard rumors.
She really opened up and tried to explain why she is the way she is.
Why do you do that?
What?
I still don't think we will stay together. But now it will hurt a lot more when we don't.
Turn everything into a joke? I want to have a serious talk about us.
Because I've never had a serious talk about "us" with anyone that didn't end up being about being what's wrong with "me".

 

by russman
5-13-18
Hey, I haven't seen you in here before. Do you come here often?
That's supposed to be my line.
I know. But I've been sitting by you for an hour and you haven't said a word to me.
Maybe I've been waiting for an opening.
Isn't that what I just gave you?
I guess so. Maybe that wasn't the reason.

 

by russman
5-14-18
I missed you. Hope you had a great time on the cruise.
It was wonderful. Only way it would have been better is if you had been there.
Thanks Mom. Maybe next time. The cats sure were happy to see you.
I'm just happy they survived I was worried you would forget to feed them. Where is the other one, though?
What other one? There's only two, right? Seriously, right?
You're so easy. Now who in the hell was in my bed.

 

by russman
5-15-18
What's wrong? You look sad.
The girls here are mean. I'm just trying to do a good job and make sure things are done right.
They just don't know you yet.
You're the only one who will work with me. And they all stare and talk about us all night.
I hate to tell you this but hitching your horse to my wagon may not help your situation any.
Ha Ha. That sounds like something my Dad would say. How old are you anyway?

 

by russman
5-17-18
Dick pics.
Now that I have your attention. There's this girl I've been Instant Messaging on Facebook, who asked me for one.
After a lot of internal debate. I Googled tiny dicks and sent her a pic of an extremely small one. I figure better to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed.

 

by russman
5-19-18
I can't believe you are thinking of driving six hours to spend a weekend with some girl you met on Facebook.
We have great conversations, she looks good. What harm can it do?
Well, let me see, you have a great girlfriend here. That you probably will lose by going. Or you will have this lie hanging over your head forever.
You've forced me to do this. Check out these pictures she sent me.
My God. Why are you still here.
I knew I could count on you to give it to me straight.

 

by russman
5-21-18
Last night at work.
We don't have enough covers for you to work on. So John says you are my little bitch tonight.
That sounds inappropiate and a little bit exciting all at the same time.
Don't try to make this into one of your sexual fantasies.
Very few of my sexual fantasies involve me being anyones little bitch. But for you I might make an exception.
I spent a lot of time in the break room.
Just pick up a broom or something and stay busy.
Yes Mommy.

 

by russman
5-23-18
You've been very quiet lately. Not having female problems are you?
You mean like spotting and acting like a bitch all the time.
No, Smart Ass. Girl problems?
That's the same thing, isn't it?
Why do I even talk to you?
Someones on the rag.

 

by russman
5-26-18
What are you so happy about? Did another slut let you play with her tits last night?
A little but that's not why I'm happy. I finally picked out a winner in the comic contest I set up.
It's about time. Anyway for the lame and cliche idea you came up with, I was impressed there were a few funny ones.
Yeah, I guess so.
Wait a minute. You did read them, right? I mean you didn't just make the first entry the winner did you?
Slut titties

 

by russman
5-30-18
Did you decide to get up? Still almost an hour before you go to work. All you do is sleep anymore.
It's so hot at work. Just can't get going.
Thank God it doesn't seem to bother you on the weekends.
That's true. I do thank God for that. It would be awful to be stuck here in bed all weekend.
For such a sarcastic person it seems to get lost on you.
I may be tired. But my sarcastic game is always on point.

 

by russman
5-31-18
I finally get to pull for you.
You must have pissed somebody important off.
I'm on light duty and they said you wouldn't complain if I couldn't do everything I was supposed to do.
Oh I see. It must have been me that pissed somebody off.
I heard you were funny. I'm going to the bathroom now I'll be back after while.
It's going to be a long night.

 

by russman
6-01-18
You're going where to do what?
An old friend invited me to New York for the weekend to go to a concert.
Do you even know how Facebook works.
What?
You know I can see everything that bitch has been writing about this weekend on there.
Maybe I am unsure about that sort of thing. But love you though.

 

by russman
6-01-18
Whores are full of disease and may cause an inability to deal with non whore woman.
But vaginas for an upfront agreed upon fee.
Never mind.

 

by russman
6-02-18
So I've always been a jerk. But with Facebook the whole world now knows that I am.
I blocked the crazy New York girl. But weird things keep popping up. Will probably just cancel my account.
Thank you Brad for providing this website that no female I either have or want to sleep with as ever even heard of.

 

by russman
6-03-18
Dude, what happened in New York. You must have pissed that girl off. She wrote all over your Facebook. I really enjoyed the "little dicked" part.
I just got off the phone with your aunt. She says something bad is happening on your Facebook page. What did you do to that poor girl?
No I haven't looked at your Facebook page. So welcome back you disgusting, dirty lillte dicked asshole.

 

by russman
6-04-18
This is a test. Just be cool and professional.
Here we are again. I guess the boss thinks we work pretty good together.
He does seem to be thinking something.
Don't be charming or funny. For once think with your brain.
Are you going to the party Saturday night.
I'm thinking about it. Nothing better than hanging out with people from work and listening to a bad bar band.
This is a terrible idea. Just tell her no. You've got to ask Dez first.
Maybe you could pick me up. That way I can drink without having to worry about driving.
I find that I worry way less about driving when I'm drinking. I guess we should exchange numbers.

 

by russman
6-05-18
In an effort to improve ratings the Miss America pageant has decided to eliminate the swimsuit competition.
In other news. To increase box office totals Marvel will no longer include superheroes in their movies.
In still other news to increase ratings I will no longer be wearing pants.

 

by russman
6-06-18
I went for it. Possibly the greatest prize of all.
What would that be in your world?
Threesome with the two hottest girls at work.
And what happened when you didn't win.
Whatever the hell this is.
Ah. The squirrel in hell dream again.

 

by russman
6-07-18
I can't wait for Saturday. What time you picking me up.
About 8. I'm looking forward to it.
So what time you coming over Friday? I'm making spaghetti.
Be there by 6. Can't believe you're gonna cook. I feel honored.
Yeah. Life is pretty good. I don't see what could possibly go wrong.
Me either. Let's open another can of nuts.

 

by russman
6-10-18
I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can get through to him.
What did our boy do now?
He came home in the middle of the night and hasn't come out of his room since. Says he's not going to work.
This will work. Hey Dude since you're not going to work. Let's go get a drink.
Not tonight, Man. I'm gonna just stay in.
See I told you. That's not normal. What do we do now?
I just told you, I'm gonna go get a drink.

 

by russman
6-12-18
You can't just sleep all day and then still not want to go to work.
I messed up. I'm a terrible person.
Well that's no surprise. You've been doing that your whole life.
I know. But it feels worse this time. I was really close to having something good. And I threw it away.
Maybe you've finally learned something and next time you'll appreciate what you have.
Let's not get carried away, I'm depressed not trying to learn any life lessons.

 

by russman
6-13-18
What are we doing here?
I know he always replaces us with something.
He's hoping we might say something funny.
He does realize that he puts the words in our mouths right?
Gross. I will not say that to my sister.
Let me guess. He wanted you to put something in my mouth, right?

 

by russman
6-14-18
One more night till the weekend. What you got planned?
Was thinking about getting drunk to the point of almost throwing up.
That is ridiculous.
Wait, then drinking just a little bit more until I pass out in my own puke on a filthy bar bathroom floor.
Very funny.
Or maybe just stay home with you and watch that Murder She Baked marathon on Hallmark.

 

by russman
6-20-18
I feel bad.
I hope you are proud of yourself.
You can't blame me for that.
Buts it's not like the drugs were for me.
You're right. The young girl at work goes to jail for drugs and calls you to talk to the boss about keeping her job. And how did you respond to that?
I guess I told a few of the people what happened and probably cost her any chance of getting her job back.
This time.
How do you sleep at night?
Pretty good. Since my mom bought me that My Pillow.

 

by russman
6-21-18
It's a shame about Amanda. I know you spent a lot of time working with her.
She was great. I don't suppose there's any chance you could hold her job for her?
Wish we could. But everyone is aware of our zero tolerance policy.
Well, I had to try.
Oh, by the way. Thanks for letting us know what was going on with her. I don't know if we would have found out without you.
You really don't need to mention it. I mean really, please don't ever mention it.

 

by russman
6-24-18
Can you believe that RCL Guy took over the whole front page of Stripcreator with his little random jokes.
And that bothers you why?
Doesn't bother me. I've too busy living life to spend that much time on this site.
Maybe you could drink and write jokes at the same time.
I do a little more than just drink.
That's right, I forgot about Pornhub.

 

by russman
6-25-18
Did you hear about Joe? He's got cirrhosis of the liver. Doctor says it doesn't look good.
Not that surprising. Guys been drinking since high school.
So you ready for a shot?
Of course. For Joe.

 

by russman
6-26-18
I just got off the phone with your aunt. Your cousin Greg had a heart attack last night and died this morning.
What? He's just a kid, way to young for a heart attack,
He's hardly a kid only a couple years younger than you. It makes you think, doesn't it?
It sure does. Life is short. I've got to start making some changes.
That's good. Maybe you could start by cutting back on your drinking.
Cutting back? Didn't you hear what I said? Life is short. I should be drinking right now.

 

by russman
6-27-18
Hey Russ. We've got a new employee I want you to train.
C'mon Boss. I just got done training one. Can't I just work on my own for awhile?
Just for a few days. Take one for the team. That's her over there.
Okay. But you owe me.
Hi. I'm Allie. I'm supposed to work with you.
Hello Allie. Let's get started. C'mon I'll buy you a coffee.

 

by russman
6-28-18
Don't make any plans for this weekend. We have calling hours for your cousin on Friday and the funeral is Saturday.
The whole weekend. That is going to be a problem.
And your Aunt wants you to be a pallbearer.
That sounds like a bigger problem.
It won't hurt you to stay sober and away from your little sluts for one weekend.
Now you've gone too far. Surely you don't think that is what Greg would have wanted.

 

by russman
6-28-18
The pig is impressed with your stable of sluts.
Who wouldn't be?
Anyone with at least an ounce of dignity.
C'mon a couple of them are decent girls.
Ok. By the way the one in jail called, she wants you to put more money in her account.
Which one? Druggy or Parole Violation?

 

by russman
7-01-18
I wasn't that excited about going.
Don't even talk to me, I am more mad and disappointed with you than I've ever been.
Why? I went to the calling hours and the funeral relatively sober. What else did you want?
Thought it would be awkward going with my niece.
I can't believe you took my Granddaughter to that awful place to see that awful woman last night.
My sister begged me to take her so she wouldn't drive herself. I stayed pratically sober to be the driver. I thought it was a good thing.
Going with a lesbian gets you a lot of attention from the girls though.
That woman is destroying America. She deserves to be killed and you and my Granddaughter went and gave her money to screw you.
Screw us? I wish. She did one dance and left. Only your president got to screw her. Your granddaughter did get motor boated though.

 

by russman
7-01-18
It was a pretty crappy weekend. Had to take Mom to Greg's funeral.
That sucks. I always liked that kid.
But last night I took Bethy to the strip club and Stormy was there doing a show. So that was kind of cool.
You went to the strip club? I guess you forgot to ask me if I wanted to come.
Dude. They've still got your picture up at the door. I guess banned for life means what it says.
It was a juice box. And I don't remenber how it got in my pants.

 

by russman
7-02-18
I stopped at McDonalds after work to get breakfast for Mom and me. She does love her some sausage biscuits.
When I got to the pay window the guy said the lady in front of me had paid for mine. I said cool. Then he said the car behind you owes $4.87
I said that sounds like something you should be discussing with them. Anyway free breakfast.

 

by russman
7-05-18
What did you think?
Think about what?
The video I sent you.
She seemed like a friendly girl.
Not that. What about my dick?
We might need to talk about boundaries.

 

by russman
7-06-18
Why are you in such a good mood.
It's a beautiful day. I've got the weekend off and I'm going out with a lovely young lady to a good restaurant tonight.
So where are you and Dez going?
Dez is great. But I told you about the new girl I was training at work.
You're an idiot.
Can't you just be happy for me? We both know I'll be miserable again in a couple of weeks.

 

by russman
7-09-18
So she plays on her phone constantly when we are out.
Did you try to friend me on Facebook?
No. Facebook and I have a complicated relationship. We are currently separated.
And all her conversation revolves around social media and ex boyfriends.
Some guy named Russ tried to request me. Maybe it was another Russ.
Could have been. I've heard rumors that there are more than one of us out there.
Then she wanted Waffle House and ordered a chocolate chip waffle smothered it in syrup and insisted I take a bite.
You're funny. Don't forget you are taking me to breakfast after work.
Can't wait.

 

by russman
7-10-18
You're late.
A couple of us went out to breakfast after work.
I told you I was fixing eggs.
Sorry. I didn't want to wake you up.
You weren't worried about that when you woke me up at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Is this my birth story again, Mom?

 

by russman
7-11-18
Where are you taking me for breakfast after work?
Anywhere you want. What are you doing this weekend? Was thinking we could go for dinner and drinks.
I don't know. Not sure I should date anyone from work.
Just think of it as a very late breakfast with alcohol.
You have alcohol with breakfast anyway.
Just think of it as a very late breakfast with a chance of sex.

 

by russman
7-14-18
This slut at work told my new girl that the only reason I was talking to her was to get her in bed.
Isn't that the truth?
Of course it's true. That's not the point. She's just trying to cock block.
What are you going to do about it?
Hey somebody just gave me a few Adderall. You wouldn't know anyone who might want them would you?
What do want for them? I might know someone.

 

by russman
7-15-18
I've had a great time. Thanks for taking me out.
Thanks for going. I'm glad you decided to give me a chance.
So what are you doing tomorrow morning?
Waking up beside you and going for breakfast.
You're funny. I'm gonna take my daughter to the fair. Why don't you come.
Oh, sure. That sounds like fun.

 

by russman
7-19-18
Where have you been? It's been forever.
You know. I've been busy with work and stuff.
Wait a minute. You're in love.
What are you talking about?
You look just like you did in 95. Before you told me you were getting married.
I was drunk and high that day. Oh I see what caused the confusion.

 

by russman
7-20-18
Where are you taking me tonight?
I was thinking dinner and then drinks.
Can we do sushi?
Damn, I was planning on the two for twenty at Applebees.
Please.
I can't believe you said that. I wanted it to be a surprise.

 

by russman
7-22-18
Look what the cat dragged in. So the little tramp let you spend the whole weekend with her.
I love you Mom. It was a great weekend. She could really be the one.
Oh I suppose you are going to bring her here and let me meet her.
I was thinking maybe the three of us could go out to dinner sometime.
And then he laughed and laughed.
Don't know me as well as you thought, do you woman?

 

by russman
7-23-18
I see it didn't take you long to replace me.
You know no one can take your place.
I talked to her a little bit. I gotta say she's not as dumb as I thought she would be.
How dumb could she be? She obviously has excellent taste in men.
Why? I thought she liked you.
So, this is us being friends, right?

 

by russman
7-25-18
Why does everyone here act weird around me anymore.
They all think you are fucking the boss.
OMG. Why would they think that?
You are. Aren't you?
I'm just trying to get ahead. Don't tell anyone.
Do you not remember how this conversation started?

 

by russman
7-29-18
So I took the new girl out for drinks last night.
Do you have that girls phone number?
You mean the girl I'm here with? Sure.
This idiot pretty much hit on her the whole time.
Let me get it.
You've been hitting on her all night. Why didn't you ask her for it.
Did save me some money on drinks. So I guess I owed him a number. Went with the brother-in-laws, he doesn't get a lot of calls.
She said it wouldn't be right. She's here with you.
No Problem. Here you go.

 

by russman
7-31-18
I made breakfast but I'm sure you've already eaten with the little tramp.
We went for a coffee and a bagel after work. I offered to bring you something you said no.
I didn't think you could afford it. I know you are trying to be a sugar daddy to this girl.
C'mon I'm not old enough or rich enough to be a sugar daddy.
Like a Splenda Uncle then.
Maybe a Sweet N Low slightly older cousin.

 

by russman
8-01-18
I think maybe this new girl might be a little bit of a gold digger.
Why would that bother you? She can dig all she wants, you've got no gold.
I know, but even these daily breakfasts are starting to add up.
If you can't afford it. Just quit taking her.
Don't you enjoy getting laid?
Love it. But not giving up all my nuts for it.

 

by russman
8-02-18
What you got there?
Just a can of Monster.
When did you start drinking that?
Not for me. Picked it up for someone else.
I don't remember you ever bringing me one of those.
You never asked. Oh I get it. The judgement line is back there.

Showing page 13.

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