All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
8-27-04
Back when, after Round 1...
Sweet! I can't believe we survived the Tag Team Handicapped Septuple Showdown.
Good thing you whacked jes_lawson in the funny bone with that chair.
Of course, you arranging for feetforears to rapp Miss Elizabeth on top of the cage was the coup de grace.
Yeah, good times.
Then, after Round 2...
Man, how did a Double-Tagteam Grudgematch turn into a Six-Way Piggybacking Slamfest involving Spankling?
You'd be surprised how many Six-Way anythings involve Spankling. And I still can't get his cockring out of my collar.

 

by umfumdisi
8-27-04
Then one day, many years later,
I think the hoverdisc landed back here in the bushes. I'll find it.
Just act like a twig, umfum, and he won't even see you.
even while Comic Cup XII
Holy Shit, that twig looks just like Umfumdisi!
Damn Hermit Buddhist's useless advice.
continued...
You were, like, part of the best tagteam evar!!!! Well, you were until Rabid turned your Gatorade into a Red Roofie Colada and unleashed Pocket Tobor on your ass.
My anus is STILL bleeding.

 

by umfumdisi
9-12-04
The Heavenly Host lost today 33-38 to Satan's Minions. JC, your thoughts...
First, I gotta give big ups to God. I mean, we wouldn't even be here today without Him.
So, you don't feel as if The Big Guy has forsaken you?
Nah, Dad's pretty busy on Sundays with all the extra prayers...and NFL football.
Is there any truth to the rumor that one of your disciples threw the game?
Well, Judas did sort of disappear in the second half...

 

by umfumdisi
9-12-04
Let me guess, you want the salami roll hidden between two fresh, white buns with extra-virgin olive oil?
Oh yes!
Kiddie Meal with an extra-large Absolution Ale?
Of course!
And for the millionth time, your soul is still there even though that tourist took your picture.
Thankee.

 

by umfumdisi
9-12-04
Heh, I got kind of literal with that one.

 

by umfumdisi
9-12-04
Tokyo ain't big enough for the both of us.
What about L.A.?
One trans-Pacific luxury liner later...
Yeah, this is MUCH better.
And nobody will notice my implants.

 

by umfumdisi
9-12-04
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Heaven. I heard you were all dying to get in.
You know, it's kind of ironic that I'm here. Just last week I did a show in Hell's Kitchen.
Yeah, I've heard of tough bouncers, but that St. Peter is a rock...
YOU SUCK!!

 

by umfumdisi
9-15-04
Okay, yeah...you just heard Norman Greenbaum's #1 hit, "Spirit In The Sky."
Best. Jewish. Rock. Song. Ever. Sorry about that, CANDY MAN.
Now, we here at WGOD would like to remind everyone about the Super Spaghetti Supper. The pasta of choice is angel hair, of course.
Hey, I hope the sauce is better than what they served at that "last" supper. (Where's that damn *rimshot* button?)
Lastly but not leastly and certainly not beastly, don't forget that April 10th is "Honor Thy Neighbor's Ass" Tuesday.
Every honkey on a donkey gets one free night at the Bethlehem Inn. Verily, I could have used that!

 

by umfumdisi
9-16-04
Alright, everyone ready on their buzzers for the last question. Who...?
*BUZZ!* Is it...Tim Blake Nelson?
Shee-at, this show is rigged.
Yes, the answer is Tim Blake Nelson. Jesus, you've won the shopping spree on this week's SUPERMARKET SWEEP!!
Three Minutes Later...
Uh, you only got two loaves and two fishes...

 

by umfumdisi
9-27-04
FORE!!!
Looks more like "Fore-ever."
I hate this game. I don't even know why we play. And these golf clubs are fucking bullshit!
What makes you say that?

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-04
Would you like fleas with that?

 

by umfumdisi
9-30-04
Bush................ Bush................ Bush................ Bush................ Bush................
Kerry................ Kerry................ Kerry................ Kerry................ Kerry................
Bush................ Bush................ Bush................ Bush................ Bush................
Kerry................ Kerry................ Kerry................ Kerry................ Kerry................
Bush................ Bush................ Bush................ Kerry................ Bush! Gotcha!
Kerry................ Kerry................ Kerry................ Bush................ Damn.

 

by umfumdisi
9-30-04
Senator Kerry, do you prefer cutting benefits for veterans or funding euthanasia for retired Republicans?
That's a tough question. We will have to cut back on military spending in some ways, but killing old Republicans is usually a good thing. I'll get back to you.
Senator Kerry, would you rather roll your mother in flour and fuck the wet spot or kill your wife, cover her body in ketchup (or catsup) and eat the rotting corpse?
Well, families are the basis of a stronger America, so procreation is important, but the second option sounds quite appealing. I'll do whatever's best for America.
Finally, Senator Kerry, do you prefer pancakes or waffles?
Pancakes! No, waffles. And don't forget, kids, nothing says metal like a killer accordian solo.

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
This girl works at Target.
Glad to be off on your day off from Target?
It's not bad. Wages decent, benefits are good, the work doesn't suck ass noodles.
The mouse is her friend.
They are hot 4 luv.
I'm calling Matlock.
I'll deprogram the VCR.

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
Ivy was born in a crossfire hurricane...
Where's William F. Buckley when you need him?
Ivy was raised by toothgnip the bearded fag.
No, no, Ivy. You slap first, then tickle.
Ivy was drowned, washed up and left for dead.
Mmmm...saltwater baby!

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
Grammar School
Ivy, you mustn't try to rise above your station in life.
Okay.
Middle School
Ivy, you are a naughty little whore, and God hates you.
I'm just a fill-in. Ivy skipped class.
High School
Remember, Ivy, the will of the people means nothing. The will of God rules all.
If God doesn't have a vagina, then I don't care about "His" will.

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
Ivy gains fame and fortune on stripcreator.
I'll just post pictures of myself holding signs that cover my face. Maybe I'll do one in the buff. Who will notice?
Replies: 2,342 on October 10, 2004.
Slowly she reveals that she married a powerful politician from Wyoming, then she took his job and and declared that Wyoming...
Nice to meet you, Mr. Cheney.
You love big oil? Me too!! URK--heart attack (and vine).
would be known forever after as... IVYTOPIA.
I declare myself Queen For Life. All your bass are belong to me!
What will we put in our Bass-O-Matics?

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
Recalling her past as a beardless goatling, Ivy becomes a champion of the poor and downtrodden.
I thought I was supposed to ignore the poor and downtrodden?
Did I teach you nothing about compassionate conservatism?
And so the masses give their heroine a new name.
IVYTA! IVYTA! IVYTA!
IVYTA! IVYTA! IVYTA!
However, Ivyta has dicounted the hypnotic power of the upper class.
You will use your wealth and power to usurp Ivyta. And you will give me a back rub.
Yes, I will stop the spread of Ivyta. And do you prefer scented or unscented oils?

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
So, what do you guys think of the series so far?
Er...
Um...
Needs more sodomy!
Yeah, throw us a boner already.
Patience, I didn't want to play the wangs card too early.

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
To eradicate Ivyta, the elite reveal that she makes her living off the sweat of the common people.
It's true. I work for Wal-Mart.
And you call yourself an Ivytopian! For shame.
Ivyta is banished to a distant place
What smells?
known only as... Umfumdisiland.

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-04
Stuck in Umfumdisiland with nothing to do, Ivyta learns to sing and dance.
Remember, it's tap-tap, step; tap, step, tap; exhale.
Just like my wedding night!
Ivyta then returns to Ivytopia after sweeping the charts (and winning hearts) with her hit song:
~\ Don't cry for me, Ivytopia; the truth is I never left you--not in my salad days, not in my stripper days.
I fell for the lure of low prices and handing out free cheese by the slices. I'm Ivytopia; I'm Ivytopia! /~
~\ Don't cry for me, Ivytopia; I tuned into corporate jargon. I now know that discount's no bargain.
I'll be your humblest ruler, and return all the bass to the cooler. I'm Ivytopia; I'M IVYTOPIA! /~

 

by umfumdisi
10-14-04
That god-dern whppersnapper came this close to running me down.
Well, you were trying to cross a four-lane highway at rush hour. How did you get out of Geritol Acres, anyway?
I don't remember. I must have gotten amnesia when that draggletail almost hit me.
No, dear, you're just senile.
Hang it all, my arthritis is acting up again.
We'll get your pills. I hope I don't give you Viagra instead of Vioxx...again.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
Intoxication.
Flagellation
Oil importation.
Sublimation.
Autoasphyxiation.
Masturbation.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
Thanks for coming over, Dez. I know you'll take good care of Mitch here while I'm away making puns for the blind.
Sure, KK. I've never been a catsitter before, but I'll do my best.
Meow?
No, I don't know why Ken needs me to watch you, but it's an easy $20.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
Meow.
Okay, time to go watch some TV.
One "Highway To Heaven" Mini-Marathon later...
*Zzzzz. Zzzzz.*

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
Meow?
Hmmm.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
Goodbye.
*Purrrrrrrrrrr*

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
?
!

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
M-row?
Me-ow!
There's a secret White House elevator that leads straight to Hell? I knew it.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
Me-unch.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-04
Wow, have you been in here the whole time I was asleep? Good kitty!
Well, here's your $20. Thanks for keeping an eye on Mitch.
No problem, Ken. Easiest beer money I ever made. See ya 'round.
Goodbye, Mr. Chirps? ...Ooh, I'll get that Descolada! This is the worst case of Mitch management I've ever seen.

 

by umfumdisi
10-19-04
Wow, did you see who that was?
No, but it must have been the person who replaces the bulbs in streetlights.
No wonder I've never seen anyone doing that. It's always dark.
Sort of like the space between your ears.

 

by umfumdisi
10-19-04
Hey, guys, I'm the new Fluffer!
Oh, yessssssss, we've been waiting for you!
Yeah, how are we supposed to work without you?
The girl who used to do this job preferred doing it on her knees, but you do whatever's most comfortable.
Later...
Yeah, and after you've finished downstairs, make sure you fluff the pillows in the display bedrooms upstairs.
You guys are so great! I'm gonna love Fluffing. Now, who wants a blowjob?

 

by umfumdisi
10-20-04
A hamlet of Shakespearean actors...
A whorde of asiangirls...
A BUSHel of CHUBBY comics...

 

by umfumdisi
10-20-04
A murder of OJs...
A Ken-nel of Kaufmans...
A mirth of mmyerses...

 

by umfumdisi
10-31-04
Hi, I'm Fred Durst. Give me some candy, bitch!
Fred Who? Oh my!
I'm the leader of Limp Bizkit.
Sorry, I only give to worthy causes.
I fucked Britney Spears--straight up!
I would have bent her over, myself.

 

by umfumdisi
10-31-04
Who Am I?
A vacuum cleaner?
No, but you're lukewarm. Who Am I?
A black hole?
Close, but I suck way more than that! Who Am--
WIRTHLING!

 

by umfumdisi
10-31-04
Trick or Treat!?!
I'm sure getting a lot of action, tonight. Here you go, sonny.
Trick or Treat!?!
Weren't you here just two panels ago?

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
Check again? Okay then, Senator, let me move my little horsey over this way.
You're still in check. For the last time, try something else!
What if this pointy dude slides up here and knocks over your prawn thingy?
I can no longer stand your stupidity--Ohio is yours. I resign.

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
Hi there! You must be the new temp...
Yeah, what about it?
I'm Rufus, and I'm the Dress Code Enforcer around here. Would you mind turning around?
No problem, sir.
Congratulations, you passed. Everything looked great to me!
Did you just pinch my ass?

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
Hullo, Red.
"Hullo?" What a morose tiding. Relate to me why you are so uncharged in the capacitors.
My candidate of choice for the Presidential election came up lacking in the positive result aspect.
Perhaps, but Unit JK-66--I mean, Senator Kerry--nearly unseated the human incumbent!
Kerry? You miscalculate. I voted for R. Nader.
Clango, betimes I deduce that you are a complete waste of programming and precious metals.

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
Welcome to Denny's, may I take your order?
The Oracle speaks! My journey of strife and toil was not in vain!
Surf N Turf in a Van? I thought we took that off the menu.
Tell me, sage, what doth my future hold?
If you really want the Surf N Turf, I'd say your future holds diarrhea.
O joyous day, let diarrhea spread across the land!

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
Great party, Uncle Rüt. I lost my pants, and I don't even care!
Thanks, boorite, I'll UPS 'em to ya if I ever find 'em.
A barn-raising party without the work? Brilliant!
Did ya lose yer pants too, young fella?
Thanks for all the free animal rides, Uncle Rüt. I haven't had this much fun since my college days at Arkansas S&M.
I thought that wuz A&M?

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
Wheee-oo! Too much beer fer me. I'll jest "water the south forty" here.
~\ "Oh, I'm waving my dick in the wind. I'm waving my dick in the wind." /~
Look, Slim, that human is gesticulating his genitalia in the gusts.
Sheesh, I don't get paid enough for these abductions.

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
A few unseen panels later...
Did the human give you any trouble?
A little, he tried to confuse me with a riddle about boorite's pants
That seems to happen a lot.
Yes, and his mind was too numbed by alocohol for the Mind Freeze technique.
How were you able to subdue him?
I hit him over the head with a piece of dried bovine excrement.

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
C'mon, admit it already! You and I are the only ones who use this field.
Blanche, I don't know what happened to it.
Notar, you know I sell those things to the local rubes for their "throwing contests."
I know, Blanche, but I didn't do it.
Then I suppose some alien came down here and somehow broke one of my priceless cow patties?
Sounds probable.

 

by umfumdisi
11-03-04
And you're sure the subject won't remember anything this time?
After the alcohol, the knock on the head, and the partial lobotomy, I'm not even sure if he'll remember his own name.
Phew, I gotta stop drinkin so much.
Hi, I'm pants. Great party last night.
Pants? I'm not quite sure why, but I need to take you to the UPS Store.
Oh boy!

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
Wa (short for Wangium)
Do, short for Dongium, is also acceptable.
Origin:
Rabid was created acidentally by a Canadian scientist trying to breed a wiseass with a hockey puck.
Instead of Canada's answer to Don Rickles, I created a monster, eh!
Properties:
Sometimes acerbic, but most often engaging and funny. Frequently humps the legs of those he likes.
I'm house-trained, too!

Showing page 14.

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