All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

I'll bet you're a power bottom.
Actually, no.
I'm more of a hand cranked model.

 

That guy at the bar wasn't interested in a word you said.
Why do you say that?
Because I was standing next to you.

 

I need to find a better solution for my cable, phone and internet.
Sounds like you need the Cox Bundle.
I like the sound of that!
Everyone's getting a bundle of cocks but me.

 

I want you to fuck the shit out of me.
I want you...
...to clean up a little back there first.

 

I hooked up with that guy off gay.com once.
Did he have a big one?
Seven online inches.
Small, huh?
Tiny.

 

It's driving me crazy how they're calling the health care vote in the Senate bi-partisan.
How can it be bi-partisan if only one Republican voted for it?
You only have to suck one cock to be bi-sexual.

 

I'm sorry.
For what?
It's small, isn't it?
Noooooo.
You don't think it's too small?
It's...uh...Fun Sized.

 

A new report says that 75% of young Americans are unfit for military service.
Either they're obese, are poorly educated, or have criminal records.
Gee, I wonder where they could find law-abiding, smart men who are in great shape.

 

I'm the last guy who would say that Muslims shouldn't serve in the armed forces.
But you have to re-think your policy on discrimination.
And remember that my people will only shoot in your face if you're into that kind of thing.

 

What did you do with the condom?
Flushed it.
You're not supposed to flush condoms down the toilet--they'll clog it up.
Compared to what also comes out of my ass?

 

This place is dead. Let's go somewhere else.
Like where?
It's Country & Western night at The Manhole.
If I wanted to see dancing bears, I'd go to the circus.

 

Helloooo, handsome!
Hi.
You wanna fuck this tight ass?
Look, just because you have to take laxatives doesn't mean you're tight back there.

 

Mormons represent less than 2% of the population in California.
The Mormon church is applying for official legal status in Italy.
If granted by parliament, the Mormons would receive the same legal protections offered to other religions.
They gave over half the money donated to the campaign to ban gay marriage.
An LDS spokesman was hopeful, remarking, "Being part of a minority group can be very difficult in your daily life."

 

Your test results are back--you're HIV negative.
Cool.
You want the good news now?
That wasn't the good news?
With all the weight you put on since your last visit, your chances of hooking up with someone who is positive have dramatically decreased.

 

Do you need me to roll up my sleeve?
This one goes in your behind.
You sure it can't go in my arm?
I know this won't be the first time you've had a prick in your ass.

 

Okay, I'm going to need you to relax.
How can I relax when you're going to jam that enormous needle in me?
I like your shoes.
Hurry.

 

Dear Fag: Why do gay men wear fancy clothes and drive expensive cars?
Dear Three Dollar Bill: There's one thing you don't want to be labeled if you are gay:
Cheap ass.

 

I think this year, you lesbians should get your own parade separate from the gays.
So that gays and lesbians can target their pride messages to a more focused audience?
Really I'm thinking we need to do it just to cut down on the length of the gay parade.
Because there are so many of us?
No, because your hips are so much wider than ours, you have to march in single file.

 

Hey! I was just thinking of you.
Oh?
Yeah, I just logged onto luriddigs.com.

 

Did you hear the good news?
The world's religions got together and decided they're fine with how God made me?
No, Ted Haggard isn't gay anymore.
Just because men won't have sex with you doesn't mean you're cured.

 

So exactly how is Ted Haggard not gay anymore?
When he travels, he never stays alone in a hotel.
And he is in constant contact with his wife who can track his location down at a moment's notice.
You know, you can't cure a crazy person by putting him in a straight jacket.
I think we just did.

 

You know, I don't need to set up any contrived schemes to prevent me from having sex with women.
Your point?
Well, Ted Haggard says he's cured of the gay and he proves it by explaining all of the elaborate mechanisms he has in place that keep him from acting on his impulses.
Doesn't that seem a little convoluted to you?
I'm abstinent.

 

You look like you've lost some weight.
I have.
I can barely keep my pants on.
As if that was a problem when you were fat.

 

What is your big objection to gays serving openly in the military?
It will disrupt unit cohesion.
Just how will working along side fags prevent your units from sticking together?

 

Why do gay guys always compliment each others' shoes?
It's how we sniff butts.
Before we sniff butts.

 

You pansy ass faggots make me sick with your prancing around, lisping, and taking it like girls.
It takes a real man to be on the receiving end of butt sex.
There's no way you'd ever get me to do it.
Are you telling me you aren't as tough as all those sissy boy bottoms you probably beat up in high school?
But it would hurt!

 

You've been losing weight!
Yeah.
How much?
25 pounds.
Any more and you'll match the weight on your online profile.

 

Christians say HIV is God's revenge against gays.
And they also say birth defects are God's wrath against women who have had abortions. Oh, yeah, and the Hattian earthquake was retribution for a deal with the devil made 200 years ago.
You can't say that everything terrible that happens to people you don't like is all part of God's great plan.
Did you hear Reverend Donald Wildmon has eye cancer?
Maybe they have a point.

 

I just heard that bananas will help prevent transmission of HIV.
OOK!
Sniff
No, you don't stick it there, although that's also a good, safe alternative.

 

Bananas might help prevent transmission of HIV. That sure is ironic.
All these years, you people blamed AIDS on monkeys.
Meanwhile, it was spread by other fruits.

 

Excuse me, do you know how to get to the car show?
Go straight.
You sound like my dad.

 

I read a headline in The Advocate, that said, "Pope's No. 2 Links Pedophilia, Homosexuality"
Yes, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone believes there is a relation between homosexuality and pederasty.
Oh.
I thought it meant they finally found the semen in Benedict's stool.

 

Oh my god! You're finally lisping! Welcome to the club.
I bit my tongue.
It was actually gushing blood. Now I have an open sore in my mouth.
No sucking strange cock for you tonight.

 

Did you hear Representative Brian Bilbray saying the Arizona police could spot illegal aliens by their shoes?
Yeah.
That's bullshit. Who can tell everything about a person by the shoes they are wearing?
Maybe all the cops in Arizona are gay.

 

OH MY GOD! YOU'RE SO HOT!
Would you go out with me?
Sorry, I'm into sausage.

 

Has anyone in your family commented on your weight loss?
No.
They probably think you have AIDS.

 

I was asked to drive my Corvair convertible in a parade on Saturday.
What's the parade for?
Flag Day.
Are you sure the L isn't silent?

 

Dear Fag: How can I become impossibly thin like all the twinks I see?
Dear Flabulous: That's easy. First you need a gym membership you don't use...
And a lot of meth you do.

 

How was the parade?
Pretty cool, actually. I found out when I got there that I was going to drive a Pearl Harbor survivor in my convertible.
Old military guy, eh? Did you tell him you're gay?
He was a sailor.
So he probably knew.

 

I'm kind of seeing someone now.
How old is this one?
Believe it or not, he's actually close to my age.
Really?
Yeah, he's eight years younger.

 

Of all my gay friends, I think you're the weirdest.
That's odd; other gays tell me I'm like the most normal guy they know.
That's what's so strange.

 

Wow! You lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you.
What made you decide to drop it?
It was the only reliable way I could think of to make my cock look bigger.

 

Look how skinny that guy is.
I'd love to take him home for a role playing fantasy I've always had.
What's that?
"Allies Liberating Concentration Camp"
That's fucked up, even for you.
I'd make him my Ausbitch.

 

So now that you got that big promotion, are you going to buy me a car or something?
No, but when I upgrade to a diamond encrusted butt plug, you can have my old one.
...which is just crusted.

 

Everyone in here is old.
It's not that bad.
I haven't seen this many dried fruits since the Harry & David catalogue came in the mail.

 

Hey, sorry I'm late.
What happened?
Got stuck behind some asshole on the freeway driving slow in the fast lane and traffic was moving too fast for me to go around him.
I hate it when that happens.
Yeah, typical homo in a mini-van.

 

ABNER! ABNER! Come quick!
What is it, dear?
Two sodomites are moving next door!
There goes our property value.

 

Why do they always come during dinner time?
Who was at the door?
Some faggot trying to convert me. He left a pamphlet.

 

You know who the biggest drain is on society?
No, but I'll bet you're going to tell me.
The gays.
The gays?
Yeah, with all their unwanted children on the welfare roles or filling up our prisons.

 

Some gays moved into the apartment next door.
Sorry to hear that.
They're nice enough people...
But?
We have to keep the windows closed. Have you ever smelled the food they make? It's like they're cooking hamster marinated in sweat.

Showing page 15.

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