All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
3-31-05
so are you happy, now that terri is dead? you planning a trip to disneyland?
what difference does it make? people die every day.
you know i'm starting to wonder about what kind of conservative you are anyway.
the same kind you are supposed to be, one who believes in liberty, meaning limited government.
so what about erring on the side of life?
not if it takes an executive order, two trips to the federal circuit and an act of congress.

 

by Cobb
4-02-05
let me ask you a personal question. do you ever, like, really feel lonely being the only black person around?
ahh. feeling a little extra catholic these days?
i actually heard people asking what the big deal is that the pope is dead. it's the work of the devil i tell you.
"resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world."
you're right. but i still think oj was guilty.
damn.

 

by Cobb
4-03-05
seriously, you think this country is too militaristic?
of course i do. and stop pretending that you understand it just because you wear fatigues.
you wouldn't be so smug if the american military were made up of the kind of pansies that you date.
what's that supposed to mean?
come with with me to see 'sin city'? it'll change your life.
gee. let me see if i have any crotchless fishnet stockings that match my 9mm glock... hmm, i guess the answer is no!

 

by Cobb
4-04-05
the pope is dead.
you had nothing to do with it.
i can see that we've got a few issues to work out.
first, bring me the head of fidel castro.

 

by Cobb
4-04-05
you're being unreasonable. nobody can kill castro. you are so high maintenance.
human history is ruled by conflict, war, deceit, crime and suffering. you're not doing your part.
i'm just a little wheel in a big machine. i just follow orders.
well, at least you sound like someone capable of evil.
now you doubt me?
you're betraying your instincts.

 

by Cobb
4-04-05
you don't understand humans. our instinct is to protect each other.
and yet you are a killer.
i can kill because i have been highly trained to be a killer. i go against my human instinct to preserve life.
not because you're just a psychopathic flunky.
excuse me, but i am a patriot.
who talks to birds.

 

by Cobb
4-06-05
i see the second amendment is alive and well.
damn right.
would you mind not pointing that at me?
sorry. i'm on my way to the border.
hunting mexicans?
activist judges too.

 

by Cobb
4-07-05
so where are all these illegal aliens you've been talking about? all i see is americans and reporters.
be patient, we just got here and the border is 5 miles away.
you're not even supposed to have a rifle, just sidearms.
i'm not a part of the minutemen. i'm watching the watchers.
well if i have to watch you watch the watchers, what's in it for me?
don't you have a blog or something?

 

by Cobb
4-07-05
have you been following the michael jackson trial?
if you are suggesting that i don't have a life, you've made your point.
seriously, do you think he's guilty or not?
i think that he's guilty and that he's been doing nasty things with kids for a long time. he's deeply sick.
but you would think we would have seen some sign of this earlier. some cry for help.
we have. the single glove. it's his dirty hand.

 

by Cobb
4-07-05
so your theory is that michael jackson's single glove was his way of communicating his perversity?
sure. it's his crotch grabbing hand. both on himself and on little boys.
jeez. as strange as that sounds it actually makes sense.
i'd bet you never think of that glove in the same way again.
oh my god. you have just completely ruined his trademark for me. i can't even enjoy the old, old michael jackson any more.
if the glove fits..

 

by Cobb
4-07-05
what exactly is a 'memo'?
a memo is an embarassing lie which is written on a piece of paper and circulated around an 'office'.
oh you mean like a stupid email on a listserv or a flamebot on irc?
yeah, except printed on a piece of paper and carried around by hand.
and people actually lose their jobs over that kind of nonsense?
yeah. people in offices don't have spam filters. they take everything written seriously.

 

by Cobb
4-11-05
i'm standing here with a stupid song in my head and no way to get it out.
it's really annoying to get stuck in these kinds of mental loops.
get back from your vacation cobb, the boredom is killing me.

 

by Cobb
4-11-05
so do you think you can track him down?
we're in luck. he's making a cell phone call. ok. got him.
where is he?
bourbon street in new orleans.
how can a part time cartoonist afford that kind of vacation? he needs to get back here and put some ideas in my head.
don't hold your breath. his cell phone conversation is about girls behaving badly.

 

by Cobb
4-16-05
when you think of me as black, how do you mean it?
black men in your age group comprise about .00517 of the american public, however due to your economic and political status you're fairly unique.
when you think of me as black, how do you mean it?
as a member of a noble race who has overcome great odds in a nation who has not done enough to alleviate your suffering.
boy am i glad to see you. i think we need to hang out a little bit more.
you've been asking existential questions again haven't you?

 

by Cobb
4-16-05
i haven't been questioning myself, just listening to people say what they think about me being black.
white people you mean.
yeah, so?
why do you do that? you don't have anything to prove. you're just giving them a chance to undermine your self-confidence.
i didn't let them touch my hair.
i'm sure malcolm would be proud.

 

by Cobb
4-16-05
i don't understand why you carry on racial discussions in mixed company. i mean you can't change the world.
i don't know. i just don't want to be afraid to. you know, speak my mind on any subject.
well, that's easy for you. your family has got money. it's not like that for everybody you know.
oh there you go bringing class into it again.
don't mock me. i know you're quoting monty python. black struggle is serious business.
bloody peasant!

 

by Cobb
4-16-05
oh i'm a peasant now. you know what? forget you. i leave you to your confused white bread world.
i'm just kidding. i don't really mean it. i mean how could i insult you if you were truly proud of being from the ghetto, just by calling you ghetto?
i'm not from the ghetto, i'm from the 'hood. so check yourself. don't mistake me for no chickenhead.
oh yeah, right. sorry.
when you think of me as black, how do you mean it?
you know, those jeans look really good on you.

 

by Cobb
4-16-05
did you finish your taxes?
don't worry, i claimed you as a dependent once again.
good, because when i transubstantiated into brittney spears, you know i was worried about...
you didn't tell me about that.
yes i did. i told you i was her and i was howard dean last year. don't you pay attention to anything i say?
i'm going to pretend this conversation didn't take place.

 

by Cobb
4-16-05
i've been wondering why you didn't do anything about that schiavo thing.
well, i'm glad you didn't bring it up.
so, what you're saying is that you actually did do something and you don't want to claim credit for it?
we are still on probation you know. but it's true that i wanted to show what death with dignity looked like.
you killed the pope!
you can't prove that.

 

by Cobb
4-19-05
so you killed the pope. isn't that a violation of our probation? do you want to get us in trouble?
don't worry. we'll have a new pope in short order. there's no crisis here.
so you selected a new pope too?
all i'll say is this: if his name is john-paul 3, then maybe i had something to do with it.
i would have picked a cooler name, like magnus or regulator.
popinator the first.

 

by Cobb
4-19-05
so what do you think of the new pope?
uh. he's alright i guess.
you guess? you can do better than that.
well, the fact is.. that i uhm. i haven't watched tv all day. i didn't hear the news.
isn't that some kind of sin?
catholics hike in the woods too, you know. uhm you wouldn't mind telling me who he is would you?

 

by Cobb
4-19-05
how is it that you're a catholic and you didn't even know we had a new pope?
i was on a nature hike. you know, a retreat. i just got back into my vestments when you stopped me.
so you were out there communing with nature and god didn't send you a sign that there was a new pope?
neither god nor i have a pager.
not even a cell phone?
i'm thinking about it. maybe if they had kyrie ring tones.

 

by Cobb
4-19-05
pope diddy. pope on a rope. pope goes the weasel.
pope friday xiii. the fresh pope of bel aire. pope optimus prime.
pope fiction. pope po-po. pope master flash.
pope shizzle. pope bowla 420. pope my ride.
are you sure we can still get to heaven?
hey, i'm out with the hindus, jews and the muslims. i got to have immunity somewhere.

 

by Cobb
4-22-05
i have recieved and solved a riddle from sente kiteway.
who? what?
..of perplex city. apparently the cube has been stolen and is located on earth.
oh. this must be some new video game.
this is no game. if you see me acting strangely, it's because i have a feeling that this adventure will go beyond the screen.
does this mean you'll actually go outside?

 

by Cobb
4-22-05
massaoui pled guilty.
yay.
it only took what, 40 months?
justice delayed is boring.
i wonder if we have learned anything from this lesson.
maybe we should encourage suicide bombers?

 

by Cobb
4-23-05
did you see the video of the little girl they handcuffed in florida?
yeah. what's up with that?
do you realize it came on the same day that all the officers in the abu graibh scandal were acquitted of any wrongdoing?
damn. it's a police state out there.
what are you worried about? you have blonde hair?
either way, i'm not going to protest too loudly.

 

by Cobb
5-01-05
so this iraqi shootout with the italian diplomat. it was a roadblock and not a checkpoint.
i don't see the difference that makes. it's still like america's indiscriminately killing.
no you don't understand. a checkpoint is like a blonde and a roadblock is like a brunette.
i hesitate to ask.
with a blonde, they always say stop but ultimately want you to go, just not too fast, whereas...
..whereas i'm about to change my position on torture.

 

by Cobb
5-01-05
can you believe the nerve of these italians, publishing the names of the american soldiers who shot at sgrena?
well the soldiers were cleared of any wrongdoing. i don't see what's the problem.
it just undermines our security and proves they're on the side of the terrorists.
yeah but they're italians. i mean how geopolitically dangerous can they actually be?
i can see you're not taking this very seriously.
oh wait, isn't qaeda's first name al?

 

by Cobb
5-01-05
what's up dog?
man i'm feeling anxious.
what about?
my human wants me to mate with some crazy bitch up the street.
we can always just go chill in new mexico and say you were kidnapped.
don't ask me why but i think new mexico is a crazy bitch magnet.

 

..and now a review of malcolm gladwell's new book 'blink'. i could tell that it was good by looking at the cover. in other news..
by Cobb, 5-03-05

 

by Cobb
5-03-05
hey do you have the propellerheads remix of super bon bon by soul coughing?
yeah just ftp to my server and pull it down from the mp3 directory.
holy smokes man, how did you get all of these files? there must be 300 gig here.
that's just on this server, i've got about 3 times that on the other.
how did you avoid getting busted by the riaa?
hotel wifi.

 

by Cobb
5-09-05
where are all the white women?
why? did you lose one too?
everyone seems to be losing them, but i can't find any.
that must be really difficult for you.
and i drive a big escalade with spinning rims.
maybe you should try a greyhound bus.

 

by Cobb
5-11-05
that videogame looks very real. new flight sim?
uh.. did you knock?
hey that looks like washington dc, wow even the clouds look real.
you know it's rude to just walk in unannounced.
it looks like an f-16 cockpit. so why are you just shooting at a cessna? hey wait. this is live video.
i'm going to have to tighten security around here.

 

by Cobb
5-17-05
i think i've come up with a way to get a democrat majority in the congress.
why are you telling me?
i just thought you'd like to know, because it's going to feel so delicious to take you republicans down.
ok so what's your brilliant plan?
take a bible and flush it down the toilet on the house floor. the christian right congressmen riot and are all arrested.
i don't think carl rove has anything to worry about.

 

by Cobb
5-19-05
i don't understand this galloway guy from england.
can you believe it?
i mean he just calls u.s. senators liars. straight to their faces!
and he didn't even curse.
it's better than talk radio.
maybe we could get him to host a late night show.

 

by Cobb
5-19-05
big deal, it's just a movie.
how can you say that? this is it! the biggest film event of our lifetimes. the end of an era.
i don't know how you can get all excited about a violent fantasy.
i suppose the same way you get excited about romantic fantasy.
besides, this film denigrates latinos by making them look like an army of clones overruning civilization.
big deal, it's just a movie.

 

by Cobb
5-22-05
remember two years ago when you said that we would get beat up in iraq?
i don't remember saying any such thing.
what about the baby bin laden theory? surely you remember saying al sadr would be the death of all our marines?
i think you're exaggerating what i said.
ok weasel out of this one. saddam hussein in his underwear, good or bad?
it's got to be against some international treaty.

 

by Cobb
5-23-05
the fillibuster is clearly unconstitutional. it just does not make any sense that we continue this outdated tradition. the democrats are
..but..
..just using it to block the process that the president has initiated. and furthermore you know that this is the same tactic used by strom thurman to..
but..
..deny the civil rights of blacks. it's just gone too far and i'm going to keep pointing out the blatant hypocrisy of all my opponents on this matter because..
but..

 

by Cobb
5-27-05
i've got a serious choice to make and i need your advice.
shoot.
well, you've heard the news about viagra and cialis, haven't you?
yes. something about using them might lead to blindness?
what should i do? have sex or have sight?
given what i know about your taste in women, i see this as a win-win.

 

by Cobb
5-29-05
what have you been up do?
you know, the ususal, making money doing odd jobs.
what this time?
i'm offering a sewage inspection program for people who worry that their might be forensic evidence of flushed holy materials on their property.
government contract, eh?
you wouldn't believe the paperwork.

 

by Cobb
5-29-05
is it true that as a black woman you feel a lack of self-esteem and therefore don't watch the indy 500?
you're kidding right?
aren't you interested in refuting the stereotype of blacks being slow and lazy, by watching something fast and energetic?
you mean like basketball?
is it perhaps the underrepresentation of african americans in auto racing that...
it's memorial day fool. i'm about to underrepresent in this interview. i've got barbecue to cook.

 

by Cobb
5-29-05
i can't believe he said that. self-esteem?
because you don't watch the indy 500? man, white people trip.
i wish i would have thought of something really snappy to say, you know?
it's like saying more black people would watch wheel of fortune if vanna white was vanna black.
uh, not exactly appropriate but i'll remember that one.
i've been saving it up fro the right moment, but it still needs work.

 

by Cobb
5-31-05
have you heard about the latest amnesty international report?
can you believe it? they called gitmo 'the gulag of our times'!
i take it you consider that unfair.
unfair? it's outrageous and irresponsible hyperbole.
so you have a copy of the report?
i would, but i couldn't survive 'the long march' to the newsstand up the block.

 

by Cobb
5-31-05
well, the cat's out of the bag.
the identity of deep throat, you mean?
yeah, i thought we were pretty safe but our disinformation campaign has failed.
disinformation?
oh, not me personally, just an internet gaming clan i belong to. we funded deepthroatuncovered.com. it was an elaborate hoax.
sometimes it scares me to take you seriously.

 

by Cobb
6-02-05
i see that the european union is falling apart. this is great news.
i know what you're thinking but they're not going to start fighting.
i don't know about that. these europeans have a stellar track record of warring on the slightest pretext.
yeah but they're all soft and socialist these days. they don't get so hot-blooded over these kinds of issues.
i guess we'll just have to liberate more sudanese and algerians.
oh you are dirty!

 

by Cobb
6-02-05
tell me something. are we still fighting the war on terror on behalf of the united states?
i'm just one covert operative. i've given up trying to figure out how my actions fit into the big picture.
but we're still fighting for american interests?
oh i'm certain of that.
then why doesn't our ride sit on chrome 20s? where is my flat screen plasma tv?
sorry, but i don't get frequent killer miles.

 

by Cobb
6-04-05
dylan klebold.
who? what?
dylan klebold is who we ought to remember when dealing with iraqis.
you mean that mentally disturbed kid who blew up columbine high school in 1999?
yeah. everybody who would want to kill americans because somebody ripped up a koran is about on the same mental level as dylan klebold.
if i agree with you does it mean i'm becoming right wing?

 

by Cobb
6-04-05
i can't stand conservatives.
liberals are so damned crafty.
these right-wing bloggers must sit at their computers all night just thinking of things to say.
all just to provoke me. why don't they just admit that they don't know what they're talking about.
i've got to think of something clever to say. damned rightwing nuts.
i've got to have the last word. damned idiotarian bloggers.

 

by Cobb
6-04-05
i'm nervous. independence day is 30 days from today.
why is that? you're legal, you've been here for over a decade.
i don't know. the other day i overheard people of different races laughing and joking about cartoons and tv shows they watched as kids.
and you had no idea what they were talking about, and now you feel insecure about it.
it's impossible to fake that kind of american cultural literacy.
i bet you suck at trivial pursuit too. perhaps you could learn to bake a really good apple pie.

 

by Cobb
6-04-05
learning how to bake an apple pie might make me feel more american, but how can i raise it in casual conversation?
hmm. you do have a point. we need to get you political.
come on. you can't be serious, how could i possibly master anything but a fragment of american political history?
a fragment is all you need to know, so long as it's a good fragment and you master it.
i probably could master the history of the filibuster in a short time.
maybe you should stick to religion.

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