All comics by ObiJo

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by ObiJo
5-26-02
Hi, honey. I'm home.
I'm in the kitchen, dear.
Ah, it smells great in here, but
But what?
Why does our kitchen look so like our living room?
This is the life we have chosen.

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
so I looked him right in the eye and said, "Ya, Bill, but everytime you get Mexican, you fart. And everytime you fart, you change my genetic composition. And do you know what he says?
What?
Fart!
He said that?
I meant he farted. Now I like Klinger better than Radar.
Inconsiderate human bastard.

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
Excuse me do you have the time.
Half past a monkey's ass, quarter to his balls.
I am not familiar with monkey time.
It is a joke! Jesus! Get a sense of humor!
Fart on me to give me one.
foof

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
Hi, honey, I'm home. Do you know how a lawyer's like a hooker? Answer: they both suck!
Holy shit!
It's not what it looks like!
Unless it looks like I am having hot anal sex with your wife!

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
Listen here, you adulterous ass whore! If a tree fell on Forest Sawyer, and nobody was around, would he make a sound?
I'm sorry! I've just been so lonely since you started working!
What did the alcoholic masochist say to the bartender?
I cannot say without knowing their familiarity with each other.
Hit me!
That does make sense.

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
and the cross-eyed flamingo says, "But I don't HAVE an anus!"
An interesting if somewhat perplexing story. But about my adultery, I
and the cross-eyed flamingo says, "But I don't HAVE an anus!"
HAHAHA!
You're alright.
You too.

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
Ever hear the one about the deaf illiterate who didn't know sign language?
No.
Neither did he!
HAHAHA!
Boy, I must say: you're nothing like I thought you'd be when I first saw you ass fucking my wife.
Well I'm less sweaty, that's for sure!

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
Can we talk about my adultery now?
Oh dear lord!
It's not what it looks like!
Unless it looks I am having hot anal sex with your husband!

 

by ObiJo
5-26-02
10 years later
Shut those kids up!
Yes, dear.
He started it!
Did not!
Now that's the way to spend a decade!
My turn!

 

by ObiJo
5-27-02
Sir, there's been a series of rapes in this area recently. Have you seen anyone who looks suspicious?
I don't know what a suspicious person looks like, but if you have a description maybe I can help. Did she get a good look at me?
I said him.

 

by ObiJo
5-27-02

 

by ObiJo
5-27-02

 

by ObiJo
5-27-02
I don't know which I hate more: being a cigarette or mexicans.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not a racist.
Unless mexican's a race.

 

by ObiJo
5-27-02
Though prison life had been tough on Pete, things take a turn for the better when he's assigned a new cellmate.

 

by ObiJo
5-28-02
You know what I don't get? The adrenal gland. Its only damn job is to sit there and pump hormones all day, yet most of us still feel like shit. What the fuck?
I think natural selection favors the even keel. Not too happy, not too sad. So maybe the adrenal gland isn't supposed to make us happy, but keep us neutral.
I don't want to be neutral! I want to feel pleasure, experience joy, love, and be happy! Damn neutral to hell! Damn the adrenal gland to hell! Damn natural selection to hell, I want to be happy!
That will never happen, my friend. Too much genetic history to overcome. Too much unhappy humping in the family tree. We have to face it - we'll never be happy.
Fuck it then, let's kill something.
Sounds good.

 

by ObiJo
5-28-02
That looks like a mighty fine stool you're sitting on.
I was mistaken.
What do you want to do now?
Let's go tell deers how happy we are.

 

by ObiJo
5-28-02
So you want me to believe that a grey man wielding a flag stole your horse by sneaking it away on its tippy toes?
I'm grey.
That is true.
Grey all over.
I concede the grey point.
Even my gun is grey.

 

by ObiJo
5-28-02
Tippy tippy toe, Tippy toe toe toe.
Tippity tip.
Toetitty toe.

 

by ObiJo
5-28-02
Why do you people say Moh?
I SAID, why do you people say Moh?
Prick.
I wish I had a friend.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
____Excuse me.___|____*Tap Tap*____
I'm sorry, did I startle you?
WHAT?

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
Are you crabby or Obi?
I am crabby!
I have irrefutable evidence here that proves you're not.
I was using universal crabby.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
Who are you!!!
Who am I isn't it obvious I am Universal Crabby!!!
Universal Crabby!!!!!! But you don't even look like me and the finger is yugoslavian I am not a DAMN YUGOSLAVIAN FINGER!!!
Ive never made a yugoslavian finger cry before.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
HELLO OBI WHY IS IT YOU ARE NO LONGER LIKE ME!!
I AM WAITING FOR CANDY!!!
BUT THIS IS A BUSSTOP!!!!
THIS I KNOW!!!!!
JOLLY RANCHER???
NO THANK YOU!!!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
SO WE MEET AGAIN!! AND THIS TIME IN AN URBAN AREA WITH RATS AND MICE AND TRASH CANS FULL OF BUMS AND ALSO GORILLAS IF ONE HAS LEFT THE ZOO AND SO SCHOSEN TO SLEEP IN THERE!
YOU R GORILLA SPEAK DOES NOT SCARE ME CRABBY I AM UNIVERSAL CRABBY!!!! I HAVE GREAT POWER THOGH NOT AS GREAT AS THAT GAL WHO USED TO BE ON THE CARTOONS WITH WONDER WOMAN AND ICEMAN. WHAT WAS HER NAME!
FIRESTAR!!!
YES, NOT AS GREAT AS FIRESTAR BUT STILL QUITE GOOD!!!! DO NOT THINK I AM WEAK BECAUSE OF MY INADEQUACYAD WHEN COMPARED WITH FIRESTAR!!! I AM POWERFUL WATCH THIS!!!!!!! SNARF!!!!!!!!
WHAT DID YOU DO????
I SNARFED!!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
OBI ARE YOU A SQUIRREL JUST TO GET CANDY THAT IS A GENIUS THING YOU DO!!! BUT WE MUST FORGET ALL COMPLIMENTS AND GO DEFEAT UNIVERSAL CRABBY HE IS ONE WIT THE POWER OF SNARF!!!!!!
OVER HEAR SILLY FUCK!!!!
HERE NOW I HAVE NOW SWITCHED PLACES SO YOU ARENOT CONFUSEDAND I AM NOT EMBARRASED FOR YOU AND ALSO CAUSE ITS COMFY!!!!!
YOU KILLED SQUIRREL!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
THAT WAS NO SQUIRREL YOU SAW AND CAOULD AGAIN SEE IF I WERE TO GET UP AND STRETCH BUT THE INFAMOUS RICHARD CRENNA!!!!!
YOU KILLEDRICCHARD CRENNA!!
THIS I KNOW!!!!!
BUT THAT IS WRONG OF YOU FOR RICHARD CRENNA RAISED ME FROM BOYFHOOD AND TAUGHT ME TO BE A MAN IN THE BACK OF HIS CUTLASS BUT NOT IN A SEXUALLYSELFISH WAY!!!!!!!!!
NOW HE HAS IS DEAD SO YOU HAVE TO STOP LIVING IN THE PAST ANYWAY. ALSO I THINK HE HAS CRAWLED UP ME ASSHOLE SO DO NOT GRIEF!!!
WITHOUT YOUR CLENCHING REFLXE AND I WILL RETRIEV MR CRENNA WITH THIS LARGE LARGE VERY LARGE TREE LIMB!!!!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
BOY DOES RECHERD CRENNA LOVE YOUR LOWER INTENSITNAL TRACK COLON BOWELS AND ANAL RIDGE!!! I CAN'T ENTICE HIM OUT EVEN WITH THIS HIS FAVORITE PORK ROAST!!!! MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET HIM STAY AND PAY RENT!!
I WANT HIM OUT BECAUSE OF THE BLEEDING.
I THINK I CAN GO GET SOMEONE THAT WILL HELP YOU BUT NOT BEFORE WALKING TO MEET HIM AND ALSO WALKING BACK IF WEATHER PERMITS!!!!!
GO AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!! UNLESS YOU ARE WALKING BACK THEN DON'T LOOK FORWARD ACTUALLY FORGET ALL THIS AND DON'T BE CONFUSED YOUR NOT CONFUSED ARE YOU!!!!!
SNARF!!!!!!!
RICHARD CRENNA HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!!!!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
UNIVRSAL CRABBY HAS SAVED MY INTESTINE AND GUTTED RICHARD CRENNA PUBLICLY CRUICIFYING HIM ON OUR LADY OF GRACE STATUE!!!!!!! HE'S ALRIGHT!!!!!
YES I AGREE WITH THIS THING. MAYBE I JUDGD HIM TOO FAST OR MAYBE I AM IN THE ROAD AND SHOULD WATCH FOR CARS!!!
WHERE DID UNIVERSAL CRABBY GO A I WANT TO THANK HIM WITH SEX IN THE BUTT!!!
THAT IS MIGHTY GAY OF YOU BUT I KNOW NOT HIS WHERE HE WENT!!!!! HE LEFT I THINK!!!!!
ONE CANNOT BE GAY WITH YUGOSLAVINA FINGER!!!!! I WILL MISS HIM AND ALSO HIS SWEET BUTT BUT NOT HIS GASSY WAYS!
I THINK YOU ARE IN LOVE!!!!! IF ONLY RICHARD CRENNA WERE HER TO SEE THIS!!!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
Come on in.
Thanks.
I've killed the hooker!

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
What's the name of that song that goes "but don't love it too much or you'll fall."
Give me some of the lyrics.
I just did.
I mean more.
God you're a needy fuck.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
All right, Matt. Back to work you fucking slacker.
Wait a minute, my name's Ed.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
This is the tale of a slacker.
Nothing much interesting ever seems to happen in his life.
So I ate him. THE END.
Guard?

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
I went into this restaurant the other day, and I ordered the vegetarian soup.
Turned out it was only vegetable soup, though.
So I ate ate ate Waiter Mike Mike Mike.
Guard?

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
jon gets a raise..
but he's gonna quit, anyway.
So I ate him. THE END.
I can hear you laughing out there, guard.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
Back at the Ponderosa...
JIB,JIB,JIB,JIB!!!
JAB!!!
WERD!!
WERD!!!
And that's how we get babies.

 

by ObiJo
5-29-02
Doubts begin to mount...
Mikey, I'm worried- is this whole thing a disaster?
Of course not, mi contessa! We will soon bring them to their knees!
Are you kidding me? We've lost every important decision! Our only wins are inconsequential and trivial! And now we're up to our asses in debt!
They may have won some battles but they haven't won the war! This is NOT a disaster!
Maybe penny poker with the Johnsons wasn't my best idea.
YA THINK?

 

by ObiJo
5-30-02
I am the King of Spain!
You are not the King of Spain. Your name is Bob Frenly and you are a mental patient here. You've been institutionalized for 17 years and will probably be institutionalized for the rest of your life.
What'd you do that for?
It's my job to keep him sane.

 

by ObiJo
5-30-02
Boy were you sauced last night, fuzz.
Twas not.
Then you meant to get married?
Mar fwuh?

 

by ObiJo
5-31-02

 

by ObiJo
5-31-02
Who wants peanuts?
Here, take a bag or two.
And get pulled into your sick game? Thank you, no.

 

by ObiJo
5-31-02
Why do humans justify the killing of animals with the idea of them not having a soul?
It seems you believe you can kill the inferior species because they dont have a soul. Isnt a soul required for life? Does that mean I dont have a soul or a life?
burp

 

by ObiJo
5-31-02
I don't appriciate you using my razor.
I didn't use your razor.
Yeah fucking right! I found it next to the sink, when it's usually in the bathtub.
I swear, I didn't use it!
If you would have thought about this logically, you'd know where that razor's been... I have two different kinds of Nair, yet I have a razor...
Eww! No wonder my ass itches!

 

by ObiJo
5-31-02
I'm not sure George, but I think that elephant's still hunting us. I can feel his presence.
Like a ringing in my ears, I can tell he's close.
Mmmph! Mmmmmph!
Mmph, mmph, indeed, George. It's all very mmph mmph.

 

by ObiJo
6-04-02
Who would want to kidnap Brad?
In the 80s, Brad made a deal with a group of dissident Manitoban Pork Salesmen. He was to provide the guns and they were to sell him honey ham at wholesale.
Ah, but Brad didn't hold up his end so they kidnapped him!
Brad held up his end just fine. They got their guns, he got his wholesale ham. Now fast forward 20 years and Brad gets kidnapped.
And?
And that's where we stand.

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
In the land of demon, you're either a demon, or marinated.
Hello, lunch.
I am a demon!
You don't look like any demon I've ever seen.
MEOW!
Demons do not go "meow". You're thinking of a cat.
Bow wow?

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
So where we going?
Who taught the donkey to talk?

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
Why do you wake Tobor from stasis? Tobor dream of cute bunnies...err...ASSRAPE!!! TOBOR DREAM OF ASSRAPE!!! RAAyawnAAAR!!!
Why *DID* you wake *ME* from stasis. *I WAS DREAMING* of...Ah, screw it. You're a lost cause.
I made it, I made it! Now just act cool, brother, and pretend like you belong. Nice and cool. That's right. I made it, I made it!
What are the explanation of this for?
Easy with the gun there, Sanchez.
You're probably all wondering why I called you here today. Well, Brad is in troub... wait a minute, what the hell is the Sodomizer 5000 doing here? He's not a Super Character!

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
I am too a Super Character!
What is your Super Character power?
I am a robot built solely to ass rape fleshlings.
Have one.
I majored in Interpretive Dance.
You too!

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! Too linear! Too whorishly linear! Can you even FEEL David's music? Can you even FEEL David inside you?
Feel David inside me?
And feel yourself in him!
Feel myself in David?
Do those two things and I just might have room for you.

Showing page 15.

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