All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
3-07-06
I know we haven't been doing HeroVille for awhile but, me? In a movie?? I think I'll pass.
EnergyGrrl. Boobie. Superhero movies are the 'in thing' and a good looking woman will definitely pack the audiences in.
I think the whole genre is getting tired. I mean come on: "BloodRayne?!"
That's why our script is different. We want to explore the human side of being a hero. We want to break down expectations and challenge the audience.
In other words you want me to wear a black rubber form fitting suit to cover up the fact that your script sucks.
Whoa, edgy! I like it! We'll include that on the DVD commentary....

 

by Ranger77
3-07-06
I read the script.
Good.
If this is a story based on my life, I must have totally forgotten a lesbian shower scene with a female villian named Feral Candy.
Boobie, Gay is in. We're going with an emotional 'Brokeback Mountain' sort of thing. With lesbians. And, um....warm soapy water.

 

by Ranger77
3-07-06
Did you hear what they did to EnergyGrrl's movie?
Lesbian shower scenes, tight suits with cleavage....high heel boots? It's just terrible.
Once again Hollywood is taking a strong female character and making her a sex symbol.
They'll probably have her on the cover of Maxim next flaunting her body to the adoration of men between 18-30. How pathetic.
Lucky bitch.
Obviously natural breast size wasn't a factor in her being chosen. I mean, hel-lo....look at me here!

 

by Ranger77
3-09-06
This is getting all out of control. They're making this movie about me into some NC-17 softcore Cinemax thing!
Come on, EG. It's only one shower scene. Most movies have something like that. It's a staple of anime.
Yeah but the shower scene happens after I fight some chick named "Feral Candy" nearly nude in a vat of honey that dissolves clothing.
I mean, help me out here, does that sound good at all to you?
I'll tell you in a minute after I adjust my sash.

 

by Ranger77
3-09-06
What?
I'm a guy! You actually expected me not to ask you if I could watch!! I was being supportive!!

 

by Ranger77
3-10-06
So you know my older sister, right....the wannabe actress? She gets this call yesterday: They want her to play some villian in the new EnergyGrrl movie.
Wow. Really.
Yeah. She has to do a bunch of nude scenes too. It's kinda of disturbing because she looks alot like me.
AAAAAAOOOOO!
I hope to God, that outburst was for killing that Frost Giant and you just didn't have have orgasm.
Don't be silly. I've got both hands on the keyboard. Besides I'll think about your naked sister later, before bed, like I always do....

 

by Ranger77
3-10-06
Meanwhile....
Hope you're happy now. The port deal is dead.
It was a bad idea, Senator. And it was stupid to think that people would actually buy into this.
You do realize that we've pissed off an ally.
A country where a majority of its citizens don't like the United States? I'd say they were already pissed.
You're missing the point. This makes us look bad in the Arab world!
Which I guess is something that the war, Abu Ghraib and support for Israel could never do. I'm actually humbled by your powers of observation....

 

by Ranger77
3-10-06
Meanwhile (again)....
So you're really going to go through with this thing. Don't you find it a bit demeaning?
Hell no. Look, if this EnergyGrrl movie goes well I can write my own ticket. Plus I'm playing the villian!
Ok. If this is what you want.
Thanks, little sis! Trust me, I know my limits and I won't do something I'll regret. Now can you help me practice this scene? And no, not the shower scene. LOL
*sigh* Sure. What do I have to do?
Let me get my copy of the script. I also have to ice up my nipples to get into character.

 

by Ranger77
3-15-06
Let me get this straight....you've decided that I cannot play MYSELF in a movie based on my life?!
EG....boobie, it's nothing personal. Playing yourself would just distract from the story.
*sigh* Ok, I suppose you might have a point. Do I get to see who is playing me?
Of course. She's right outside. She just happens to be in the new and improved costume too. I'll bring her in.
So you're supposed to be me, huh?
Not by a long shot, sweetie....

 

by Ranger77
3-15-06
Ok, I'm not sure I like this, but I've committed to be respectful, tolerant and to cooperate fully in the making of this movie.
Yeah, whatever.
Making complaints about the costume, or you for that matter, would just cause problems. So since you're playing me, do you have any questions?
Yeah, I do. Is that your actual breast size or are you taping yourself down?
BITCH gotta go!
I'm serious. I mean, with the abundance of high quality push up bras nowadays there's just no excuse for that.

 

by Ranger77
3-17-06
Listen, I understand that you're upset.....
Upset doesn't even start to explain it! And that little wench you got to play me just pushed me over the edge.
EnergyGrrl: The Movie will be about an empowered, independent woman who just happens to be a superhero. Krissy is one of the best up and coming actors out there. It's perfect! Trust me.
"Krissy" has a big mouth and a bad attitude. I'm surprised you're not worried about her getting negative press and tanking the film.
Won't happen. We're covered. One of her boyfriends videotaped them having sex. When it gets released on the internet, BOOM! Instant box office!
Greaaat. I feel I should say that at this point its only a question which one of you I take out first.

 

by Ranger77
3-19-06
There's nothing I can do. I let my vanity blind me and I'm bound by this contract. This movie will get made no matter what I do.
Well....what's the worst that can happen?
Well I get humiliated with all the lies and half truths. The deal mentioned something about owning "points" and the fact that I get paid up front as well.
Which means that even if the movie tanks you get at worst a few million dollars.
You know, maybe I could have been a bit rash on this whole "personal integrity" thing....
BTW, just got this email from Ivy . Evidently she's in New Mexico wants us to send her food and a couple cases of C4.

 

by Ranger77
3-20-06
Well?
Bad news. The sex video isn't generating enough buzz. It doesn't look like it's going to help the movie let alone your career.
Shit. So what do I do now?
You do what's right....
My feelings are that of hurt and betrayal. How could someone I loved and trusted leak a private intimate tape where I did some hot gravity defying sex acts, which is available on DVD for $19.95 at....

 

by Ranger77
3-23-06
I AM NOT acting silly!
Yes YOU are! I can't believe you're doing this.
If I can't stop that damn movie from being made I'll just have to change my indentity. Energy Grrl is no more.
You really have lost it.
I have not lost it! "Shayna, The ArrowMaster" is who I am now. Besides the folks at Abercrombie and Fitch said this look invokes mystery.
Mystery like....say...."WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!"

 

by Ranger77
3-23-06
Maybe I haven't been as supportive as I could. After all it's her life and her decision. "Shayna, The ArrowMaster." Geez....
Although I think it's stupid, she's my friend. We'll just have to agree to disagree. Although I will miss her as Energy Grrl.
*sigh* Who knows, maybe this new identity will mellow her out a bit....
Yo, Pancho Villa! Any idea who the hell just shot a fucking ARROW at me!?!

 

by Ranger77
3-24-06
I've called this press conference to announce that due to the upcoming film supposedly based on my life, I will no longer be known as Energy Grrl. I am Shayna, ArrowMaster.
How did you come up with the costume?
With the help of some very thoughtful people at Abercrombie & Fitch I was able to come up with a costume that was more representative of who I am....
Abercrombie and Fitch, Somerset Mall, Troy, MI
I'm impressed....you finally got rid of that gaudy hoody thing. I can't believe someone would want something that is so....yesterday.
She was 29, dude. Easy pickings....

 

by Ranger77
3-24-06
Quite honestly, I think your friend is going through a midlife crisis at the tender age of 29 going on 30.
EnergyGrrl??...um, I mean Shayna?? I can't believe that. She's not that type.
She's a superhero with energy casting powers who is now dressing in grungy clothes and carrying around a compound bow she bought at WalMart.
Well if you put it that way.
As her best friend you need to talk to her.
A guy reassuring a woman about turning 30. Yeah. Sure. After that I might as well tell her she's gained weight too....

 

by Ranger77
3-25-06
EG...um, Shayna. I understand now. You're having somekind of womanly thing about turning 30. Just want you to know I'm here for you.
Good deduction. Or consider this: I could be playing the role of a neurotic nutbag in a final desparate attempt to ruin the image of EnergyGrrl thus, stopping the movie from being made.
God, I love you.
That's nice. Now that we've got that out of the way....does this hood make me look fat?

 

by Ranger77
3-26-06
Guess what? I just heard that the movie has been put on hold. It's not a outright cancellation, but it'll do for now.
We'll I'm glad you're back to normal.
I can't believe it took you so long to figure out I was acting. Besides superheroes don't age, remember? I'll stay 22 years old forever.
Hate to break it to you, but that WAS the case if we still had our own comic. "HeroVille" merged into "Ranger's World since the first of the year. We ARE getting older.
Well that sucks.
Tell me about it. I did one of those Jack Kirby "battle poses" the other day and I haven't been able to walk straight since.

 

by Ranger77
3-29-06
Hey there my Hispanic brother, I feel your pain!
What?
I will march and speak loudly against the injustice that this fascist regime of a government tries to enforce to limit your opportunities in this great land.
I was actually born in Detroit.
To escape the depressed, wretched place of your birth for the promise of a dream....what a desparate struggle that must have been!
Actually you might have a point there....

 

by Ranger77
3-30-06
Hello there my downtrodden brown skinned brother! Fear not, because I am here.
Excuse me?
Your status as an illegal immigrant who has escaped to this country to find a better life will not be in vain. I will speak for you and I WILL be heard.
Dude, I was born here. I'm a citizen.
In your heart, I know you are. We will not let the facists win!!
That's good, because it seems like the drugs have....

 

by Ranger77
3-30-06
....and it is your toil that keeps this country going. We must not deny that low paying support jobs fuel this economy and make people like me feel good about ourselves.
I was just telling someone this the other day. "Paco," I said as he washed dishes at my Whole Food market and Smoothie bar, "you people belong here...."
Later....
....and then I ate him.
Indeed.

 

by Ranger77
4-02-06
There were some comics here the other day about immigration. They were mean. The dinosaur scared me.
I'm not sure what they were trying to say, but that dinosaur scared me. You people should listen to me. I have good things to say. I don't talk about those dinosaurs. They scare me.
Ooo! A couch! Bye!
Will someone please explain how Tom Cruise got back in here??

 

by Ranger77
4-02-06
I found Kevin Federline's MySpace page and sent him a message yesterday!
Get OUT! Really?? What did you say?
I said I liked his music and told him how I used to suffer from bulemia and low self esteem but now with counseling I've stopped cutting myself and have improved my grades in school.
OMG! And did he write back??
Yep. He said: "Stay Cool. -Kev"
I am SO jealous right now....

 

by Ranger77
4-02-06
I'm going to do it, dude. I'm scared, but I have to take the chance and put my heart right out there.
You're being silly.
No I'm not. When I ask Kelly Clarkson to be my friend on MySpace she will personally see it. I will have connected with her! Even if she denies me I will have been in her life, if only for a minute.
You actually believe that, huh?
AmericanIdol Inc. (Internet Marketing Operations)....
A request has arrived. Some fanboy out of Michigan wants to be Kelly's friend.
How sweet. DENIED!!

 

by Ranger77
4-06-06
3/24/06 7:45pm
Mr. Ranger you did a rolling stop at that sign back there. Says here you're on file for having a concealed weapons permit. Do you have a weapon in the car?
Oops....sorry officer. Uhh, yes. Under the seat here...its kinda loaded.
So what's in the shopping bag in the passenger seat?
Beer. Unopened, actually. I was just coming from the store and....um...yeah.
(Actually, I got off with a warning....)
You know contrary to the way this conversation is going, I can say I'm absolutely positive there isn't a dead hooker in the trunk.

 

by Ranger77
4-10-06
Well?
No.
You sure? I think it looks good on me.
You're joking, of course.
Alright, I'm ready.
One these days I'll understand why we go through this every frickin' time we go to the bar.

 

by Ranger77
4-10-06
Excuse me. I saw you standing there and thought you probably would love a drink. Can I get you something?
No, thanks.
Um....ok.
No offense. I know this sounds weird but I just have this urge to have hot, sweaty, no committment sex with someone wearing a pirate outfit tonight. Strange, huh?
I am going to KILL my brother.
But I guess I'm going to settle for that other monk over there who asked to buy me a drink first.

 

by Ranger77
4-10-06
Ok, I can handle this. After all, sex isn't everything. I'm a Monk. I can deal with this.
Yo, monk-dude! I gots some 'philapissophy' for you.
Ok...
"Beer an' Pussy! Everything else is irrelevent...."
*THUD!!!*
Figure that out all by yourself, huh?
I'll answer that if you help me get either one within the next five minutes.

 

by Ranger77
4-12-06
Dude, you have to come with me to the protest.
No thanks. I've got mixed feelings about this immigration thing.
Our economy depends on illegal aliens to do all the jobs we won't do. I'm going down there to support them.
And, as a liberal, you don't see the inherent racism in that statment?? And comparing it to civil rights marches? I don't see anybody getting attacked by dogs and firehoses.
Okay. I really dont give a shit about immigration laws. I'm going to check out the Latina action. You happy, now?
Yep. I'll get my jacket.

 

by Ranger77
4-12-06
I think you are too cynical to understand the impact of blogging. It provides untainted journalism on a truly dynamic and global stage.
Senator, I respect your opinion. In fact that's all that blogs amount to. Opinion. Has journalism crapped out so bad that we have to depend on a bunch of hacks with a LiveJourmal account?
Son, you have to be on the cutting edge these days, especially to connect to the young people. It's about the free flow of information and holding the attention of the citizens!
Sorry I'm still not impressed.
I've got 54 friends on MySpace.
You know I think "MythBusters" is on tonight....

 

by Ranger77
4-13-06
An interview? Cool, I guess I can do that.
Great. Young man, we want to know what the 'common guy' thinks about the President.
Okay....
Based on the war, the ports issue, Scooter Libby, the deficit ....some are calling for censure or even impeachment. What do you think?
Last week I fired a guy for not putting pickles on a Bacon Cheeseburger.
Very insightful. Do you have a blog....?

 

by Ranger77
4-14-06
Nice day.
Yep. Spring is here.
You know there's a distinct possibility that when all is said and done, George W. Bush's presidency could be considered the worst in American history.
It's possible.
Makes you kinda wonder what would have happened if he would have just banged an intern.
Maybe I would have been able to fill up my car for under $30? Who knows....

 

by Ranger77
4-24-06
Now this is nice. It's actually been normal around here. Some might attribute this to a lack of ideas. I just appreciate the calm.
No lunacy. No loopy SciFi plots. No cynical commentary on pop culture or world events. Just nice and.....
Shit.
I need your help! We've GOT to kidnap Charlie Sheen! If we fail, Tom Cruise's child becomes Supreme Ruler of the universe and the future is doomed!

 

by Ranger77
4-24-06
He's called a "Time Custodian." Supposedly he cleans up disturbances in the Space-Time Continuum. He was here last time because Ivy blasted Madonna out of existence. Apparently that actually mattered.
....the year 2012 ....Charles Sheen.....forsaking sex and drugs.....a threat.....
His appearance usually means something is really messed up. He alone posseses the power and ability to correct whatever has gone wrong.
.....temporal vortex.....Scientology hit squads...."the chosen ONE"....cheeseburger mind control.....
This means, of course that the cast here (myself included) will have to show him the respect he deserves....
You're fucked in the head, bro. Like seriously.
Do you actually think I would make this UP!? Are you CRAZY!! What, pray tell, about the threat of Feline Apathy do you NOT understand!?!

 

by Ranger77
4-25-06
Hello, my furry little friend.
Uh...hello.
Do you like the shirt I'm wearing? I just bought it yesterday.
Um....yeah. I guess, it's okay.
YES! I'm not too late! There is still time before the Apathy mutagens take hold!
You're quite gay, aren't you?

 

by Ranger77
4-25-06
If you haven't noticed that time traveller guy is back. I thought I should let you know.
Evidently he needs our help in kidnapping Charlie Sheen to prevent a possible totalitarian future where cheeseburgers are used to control the masses and cats that don't care.
You do realize, of course, that if you would have let me kill that bastard last summer you would have never had to utter that sentence.
I never said I was right all the time.

 

by Ranger77
4-26-06
Ok. I'm here to make nice. Tell me this story about the future being doomed and all.
I'm glad to see that someone is taking me seriously. The cycle of events began when Charlie Sheen filed for divorce from Jessica Simpson and....
Hold on, sparky. Not that I keep up with such things as a habit, but even I know that Charlie Sheen married that Starship Troopers chick....Denise "what's-her-face".
Oh. Really.
You've got the wrong timeline don't you?
That....depends. Was "Brokeback Mountain" a movie about the legendary manly adventures of Olympic snowboarders as seen through the eyes of the women they had sex with?

 

by Ranger77
4-26-06
"Undercover Brother 3" was the highest grossing film of 2005? Rush Limbaugh came out of the closet with the famous phrase "Let's face it, I like 'dick' and I don't mean Nixon"?
No.
Natalie Holloway was found alive, married to a tractor salesman named "Dutch" and working at a Denny's in Ohio? P. Diddy changed his name to Kyle Scott Jenkins?
Nope.
Michael Jackson donated half of the proceeds from his best selling double Platinum comeback album "Blacker than Ever" to the Center for Missing and Exploted Children?
Trust me. You're in the wrong timeline. But keep going....this is kinda funny.

 

by Ranger77
4-26-06
Well that was quick. Our friend is back riding the currents of time and out of our way.
For the moment. I suggested, cynically of course, that maybe he took a wrong turn in Alberquerque. Rat bastard is probably in New Mexico right now.
Yeah, he is a foof. Could've been worse though. That could have been our screwed up future.
Yeah. All we have is an idiot for a President, fanatics, a questionable war, skyrocketing oil prices, and a culture that idolizes any wannabe actress who gets caught on video giving someone a blowjob.
It's good to be normal. This timeline rocks.
Yep.

 

by Ranger77
4-26-06
There is a real possibility that our time travelling friend was just plain crazy. Fast food mind control? Feline apathy....?
Not our table, B. I say we just drop it.
Meanwhile.....somewhere "else".
Everyone seems to be going into some sort of submissive state after eating those government cheeseburgers.
Whatever.

 

by Ranger77
4-28-06
Introducing...."The Adventures of Young Orgo!"
Bleh.
You are such a retard. It's no wonder you get picked on all the time.
Bleh.
That crazy act won't work on me retard. There is nothing you can do or say that will get to me.
Actually I was thinking about how I peed in your milk at lunch while you weren't looking. Kinda makes you question that whole "retard" thing. Bleh.
****

 

by Ranger77
4-30-06
Well this is it. The big mystery is solved. The planet's civilization is being run by a computer.
Fascinating, Captain. Actually it's even more facinating than the one last month.
Without this computer, the lives of the people on this planet will be altered forever.
Considering how we abide by the Prime Directive the answer is obvious.
Well it's settled then. Starfleet Civilization Changing Drive By Maneuver #7. I hope it talks. I love it when they go philisophical and then all "No....no....no...." when I shoot 'em.
My "gat" is ready to go "ratty -tat-tat" all up in here, Captain.

 

by Ranger77
4-30-06
Captain's Log 2404.06: I'm rather disappointed about Starfleet's investigation into the allegedly "high" rates of mortality among our red-shirted personnel.
I can assure you that every bit of precaution is applied when deciding what red shirt (outside of Engineering) is allowed to go on an away team mission.
Also, for the record, I want to state that the term "fresh red meat" has been banned from all Away team planning discussions.
Please stand still and scream horribly while I kill you.
Fuck Security!! Beam me up!! I want to transfer to Engineering! I want to transfer to Engineering!!

 

by Ranger77
4-30-06
"Captain, incoming message. Starfleet reports that a generic official who may either be a diplomat, scientist or Starfleet commander of higher rank will be arriving shortly."
Dammit.
Captain, there is a high probability that this person will either go crazy or endanger the crew with somesort of misguided plan, scheme or vendetta.
DAMMIT!
Of course it is also very likely since you haven't "gotten any" in a few weeks, this adventure may involve beaming down to a planet and engaing in sexual relations with a beautiful female.
Awesome. Just in time too since I just got one of those new communicators with the 12MP camera. Pimpin' ain't easy my Vulcan friend....

 

by Ranger77
5-01-06
You may have me imprisoned, but it took four of you to get me in here.
You are to be commended, Captain. Your tumbling and judo chops nearly took out half of my security team.
I would have killed those bastards too if my phaser had worked. What are you using, some kind of nullification field?
Actually, we aren't using anything like that at all. We were kind of curious about that too....
Sir, there's no sign of the Captain. Funny thing is that his phaser is still here, but I can't find the keyless entry control for the shuttlecraft.
Well. That pretty much explains the abnormal shuttle door activity I've been trying figure out FOR THE LAST TEN FUCKING MINUTES!!!

 

by Ranger77
5-02-06
So, I'm doing the Trek thing. Evidently there were Greek Gods in Episode #204, Season 2. I heard you got a gig too.
Yeah, but don't you find it weird that a starship travels halfway across the galaxy and supposedly finds civilizations based on Earth history and mythology?
There exists people in this world who would hold you accountable for saying such things.
What....I'm supposed to restrict my freedom of speech for the sake of some trekkies?
No. You're suppose to restrict your speech because when your acting career craps out and you're doing the convention circuit it's easier to justify charging $25 for an autograph.
OMG....what WAS I thinking?!

 

by Ranger77
5-02-06
I think I may have found proof that the world is slowly going insane.
Let's see, the whole comparing the immigration protests to the Civil rights movement.
Good one, but no.
The popularity of reality TV? Finding no evidence of price gouging in relation to gas prices?
Actually I was thinking more of how the Nintendo Revolution game controller is being hailed as original and an ingenious design.
Dude, you can't judge the world's growing insanity on video games. Geez, given the sales of Myst, The Sims, NASCAR and Bass Pro Trophy Fishing we went crazy years ago.

 

by Ranger77
5-03-06
I was talking to Helena the other day and she was telling me that when she did porn, they actually paid her to masturbate on camera. Crazy, huh?
I was a bit curious so I set up my camcorder and tried to do it myself. It was weird. Stupid thing is that before I could throw it away, the damn tape fell out of my backpack at your house.
Good thing I found it before you did. I can tell you now because it's funny, but can you imagine....geez. Anyway, want to go grab a Latte?
Give me a minute to get this entire conversation out of my brain....

 

by Ranger77
5-06-06
Son, I know you have a subscription to Danni's Hard Drive.
*sigh* Ok....
I'm just....very disappointed in you.
Dad, it's just a porn site. I'm not obsessed or anything. Every now and then I like to look at naked women. I don't see what the big deal is.
The big deal? The big deal is you have a frickin' Platinum membership and you didn't share with your old man! How long have you had a subscription?? I want the truth!
You can't handle the truth.

Showing page 15.

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