All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
dc
Guess what that's short for, bitch.
Origin:
Some say dcom sprang straight from the depths of hell, but, really, his parents left him for dead in the Australian Outback.
Even the dingoes wouldn't eat this baby, baby.
Properties:
Able to eat brains in a single gulp, and makes more comics in one hour than most stripcreators make in a year.
Don't forget to mention my 32 aliases...

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
Pu (short for Pun, Punmeister, Puntastic, Punologist--you get the picture).
Pu is better than P.U.
Origin:
Allegedly created after a Nun and a Comedian walked into a bar, got drunk, and went to a motel where the comedian broke her habit.
I owe it all to my parents, Gene and Gina Tiks.
Properties:
Has a natural affinity for science, cats, and Weird Al Yankovic.
Did you mention that I enjoy making puns?

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
W (short for Dubya).
That's not even 49% funny.
Origin:
Lovechild of Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton.
I did NOT have sex with that woman... Mary Jo Kopechne.
Properties:
Makes insightful comics about politics. Doesn't like GWB. Doesn't care if you don't like it.
Who's the wiseguy that made the red backgrounds outnumber the blue?

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
MG
That must stand for "Most Greatest!"
Origin:
Actually, we're still waiting for Mikey to create an "origin"al strip.
Yeah, well, I pee in your general direction.
Properties:
Readily forms covalent bonds with sc regulars. Enjoys abuse and comes back for more.
FrixFrax, alcoac, give a dog a bone--and boorite some pants.

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
iv
Great, now people will think I'm a 4 or a drug user.
Origin:
Hedera, English name Ivy, is a genus of about 10 species of climbing or ground-creeping evergreen woody plants in the Araliaceae, native in the Atlantic Islands, Europe, North Africa and across Asia.
If you try to make a joke about me "spreading easily," I'll kill ya.
Properties:
In typography, hedera is the name of a horticultural dingbat shaped like an ivy leaf.
Weird, I have a friend who's a horticultural dingbat.

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
bo (short for Body Odor).
P.U., B.O.? What is this, a second grader's jokebook?
Origin:
Still under debate.
I maintain that I'm 80% backbacon.
Properties:
Park Place, Marvin Gardens, and two Railroads.
I was wondering when that joke would show up. Unfortunately, it happened to be here.

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-04
Symbol:
$1
Yes, Everything Is $1--even my soul.
Origin:
That's $, not £, you stupid limey!
Sorry, I didn't realize you were a bird with an attitude.
Properties:
Resourceful and caring. Plays well with others, but can be a bit loud when provoked. Especially by people who think the $1 includes sales tax.
Yeah, get a BRAIN! Morans

 

by umfumdisi
11-10-04
Symbol:
cw
cw? What a magnificently original and creative thinker you are!
Origin:
Squeezed fresh from the fruit of "Disdain for Stupidity."
I don't see how some of you people even breathe.
Properties:
Dressed to kill with a rapier-like wit.
I can forgive poor manners, but not poor fashion.

 

by umfumdisi
11-10-04
Symbol:
ab (for absinthe).
One shot of the good stuff, barkeep.
Origin:
Raised and razed by football hooligans.
Halftruth. Only my mother's side were hooligans.
Properties:
Cockeyed (not cock-kneed) sense of humo(u)r, keen sense of irony, sweet scents of lavender and goat's milk.
I likes me bubble bath. So what!?!

 

by umfumdisi
11-10-04
Symbol:
mm
Yum...me!
Origin:
Amalgamation of body parts from actors Steve Buscemi, Brad Pitt, Michael Keaton, and "that guy you see on those commercials."
Parts is parts: the actor's credo!
Properties:
Lover of music, friend of files, foe of none.
And apparently allergic to cats.

 

by umfumdisi
11-10-04
Symbol:
um (short for...typical reaction to his comics).
Um, was that supposed to be funny?
Origin:
Born at night--probably last night--while falling off the turnip truck.
Clumsiness is next to oddliness.
Properties:
Old, white, unhip.
Hey, I'm not that old.

 

by umfumdisi
11-10-04
I've caught up with Mr. Nicholas Cage on the set of his latest thriller, National Treasure.
Uh, thanks for, uh, comin by, like, man.
So in this new movie, you play an agent trying to protect a treasure left by the founding fathers. And the treasure map is written on the BACK of the Declaration of Independence?
Yeah, man, it's kind of, uh, wild and stuff. Awesome.
And you're actually making a movie based on that premise?
Uh, totally.

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-04
~\ "Welcome to the Market, we got food and games, we got everything you want, even if you don't know the names... Welcome to the Market, baby, you're gonna BUY!" /~
Dude, you don't look like him, but you sound just like Axl Rose!
Axl Rose Hips are in Aisle 10--Health Food.
Heh, I bet you guys really "Slash" your Health Food prices, huh?
No, our Health Food is very expensive. We do have good prices on Puns 'N' Roses in the Floral Comedy Dept.
Rock on.

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-04
Hey, man, you want to try one of these new cookies?
Sure, thanks. *Chew, Chew* What are they called?
I'll give you a hint, the first part sort of sounds like the first name you think of when someone says, "Round, creme-filled, chocolate cookie."
*Chew, Chew* The name sounds like Hydrox?
No, dummy, they're called REO Speedwagon Wheels! What do you think?
*Chew, Chew* Tastes like Kevin Cronin.

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-04
Pardon me, sonny, do you work here?
I'll say, "Yes."
Do you have any Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Yeah, but no one's bought any since, like, 1999.
Hmmm. Maybe you could help me find some fresh Eels, then?
Sure, acoustic or electric?

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-04
I knew I should have strapped that two-by-four to my ass.
Hello? You almost finished in there?

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-04
Oh my, what's inside you, baby? I want to look down, but I'd better not.
What is he staring at?
Must NOT look at the box. Must NOT!
Perverts like this one are the reason I never leave my apartment.
Damn, I thought she'd never leave--sweeeeeeeet boxy box; boxy-boxy, boxy box.... ........................... ................... Box?

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-04
Okay, Bernie, help me finish my thought here. "Elton's John Cleaner: Brightens and Whitens your W.C. Cleans your bowl better than...
my tongue?
"Honey's Honey: Snatch up one of these little pink boxes of joy and let my sweet, syrupy juice flow all down your"--Jesus Christ, Mariah, who wrote this horrible ad copy!?!
I did.
Maybe we could separate the words instead of spelling it all together...
I'm sorry, but I just don't think the Kool-Aid people are going to go for the idea of "Kool & The GanGrape Punch."

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-04
One night at the ranch...
So you see, cowboy, that is what your friend meant about the rotor turbines and gravitons.
Thank you so much, Coyote Oldman. I must write down this knowlege lest I forget it upon waking.
What the fuck was I dreaming about?

 

by umfumdisi
11-14-04
Knock, Knock?
Who's there?
Scissors!
Stupid marionettes.

 

by umfumdisi
11-14-04
Yo, Moms, I'm ready.
I can't believe my little man is going out on his first date. Oh, I think I hear the doorbell!
Hello, can I help you two, uh, girls?
We here to pick up Jimmy.
He got cash, right?

 

by umfumdisi
11-15-04
I wonder if anyone would notice if I slipped an elegy into the eulogy?

 

by umfumdisi
11-15-04
The Passion:
DUDE! What does MY tattoo say?
SWEET! What does MY tattoo say?
Titanic:
The iceberg did it.
The Shining:
Redrum was the name of Danny's sled.
I knew it!

 

by umfumdisi
11-24-04
I just heard some awful news. American Idol favorite Ruben Studdard was hospitalized today due to exhaustion.
Heh. Ha-ha. Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha-heh-ha...
HAH-HAH-HAH. WHOOOOOOO! HEE-HEE, HANH, HANH, HANH! *gasp*
Hearing about an exhausted fat man isn't THAT funny.
No, but just before you you got here, somebody else told me that Ruben's new disc dropped today. And guess what it's called... "I Need An Angel!"

 

by umfumdisi
11-24-04
Hey, ain't you that slick Calaforny Boy what keeps makin' fun of The South?
Yes. Why?
I wuz jest wunderin' whut you wuz gonna do when the Big One hits and California slides off into that there Pusific Oshun.
I guess I'll die. Tell me, what will you Southern folk do without all the fruits and vegetables we grow and ship to you in the winter?
Froots and veggedables?

 

by umfumdisi
11-24-04
BTW and FYI, I only see this show because my wife watches it. I like to spend time with her, but I have to suffer through this "reality" crap.
Coming up next--the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!
Oh, drama!
Yet, she readily agrees with me that the show is stupid. She says she just needs something to watch and let her mind unwind at the end of the day.
Coming up next--the most emotional proposal ever!
Oh, emotion!
I respect that because her job can be intellectually draining. Still, if we're going to watch something stupid, can't it at least be NCAA Basketball?
Coming up next--the most ridiculous shit ever!
Oh shit!

 

by umfumdisi
11-24-04
I saw that preacher on TV again last night.
Damn it, I thought I blocked that channel.
He said we should give of ourselves this holiday season and ask nothing in return.
What does that have to do with us?
I was thinking we could give away our sexual favors for free.
Sucky-sucky... No Dollah? But how will we afford all our stuff?

 

by umfumdisi
11-24-04
I was thinking that people would want to just GIVE us stuff in return. We wouldn't have to ask for dollah.
Sounds pretty stupid, but we can try it.
One week and two bitchslaps later...
Well, Big Daddy did GIVE both of us two black eyes.
Me so hungry.

 

by umfumdisi
11-25-04
And you are?
The Devil. Satan. The Prince Of Darkness. Lucifer. The Fallen Angel. Beelzebub.
I see, and you're trying out for which part?
Me.
Sorry, you're a bit obvious... and we'd like someone taller.
You'd think with all the agents down here, I could get a decent gig.

 

by umfumdisi
11-25-04
And you are?
Michael Landon.
You don't look so good, Michael.
Well, I AM undead.
Then you'll work for scale?
A scale loaded with brains, yes.

 

by umfumdisi
11-25-04
I knew L.A. was full of freaks, but this day is getting more ridiculous.
Hello, children, I'm Frosty The Snowman!
First, I'm not a child. Second, most of this series will be shot on location. I don't think you can take the heat.
Please? I'm only on TV, like, four or five times a year, and it's always in December. Gosh, it's hot.
CANDEE, GET ME A FUCKING JANITOR AND A MOP IN HERE!

 

by umfumdisi
11-25-04
Let me see... are you Beavis--or Butthead?
Neither, mate, I'm Angus Young.
And you want to be an actor now that your band is washed up?
Actor? I thought this was the tryout for the AC/DC tribute band--Highway To Hell.
CANDEE, Have security escort Mr. Young to the curb!
Escort? ~\ "I'm on my way to the promised land..." /~

 

by umfumdisi
11-25-04
Christ on a cracker! I don't know who you are, but I admire your dedication to the part of Floyd the Avenging Angel.
That steely, no-nonsense gaze, those intricately handcrafted wings, that revealing tunic, and your huge, finely-forged.......sword. You're hired!
Hello? Sir?
I'm Anthony Kiedis. Do you know where I hid my stash?

 

by umfumdisi
12-03-04
Whut'll it be, Mrs. AARP?
I'd like an order of fried livers, corn on the cob, and an iced tea.
Whut th'ell are you talkin about, cuntflap?
Oh, dear, isn't this Kentucky Fried Chicken?
No, it's Kajun Firefly Comics. Mebbe you'd like today's special--Two Spicy Asiangirls On A Pole?
Ass

 

by umfumdisi
12-06-04
So THICK! So JUICY! Give me MORE, MORE, MORE!!
I gotta check this out...
Search: "Hardee's Monster Thickburger"
"The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a Washington-based advocate for nutrition and health, dubbed the Thickburgers "food porn,"and the Monster, "the fast-food equivalent of a snuff film."
Three Minutes Later At Hardee's...
What took you so long?
You try driving with your knees and filling a mayonnaise jar at the same time.

 

by umfumdisi
12-06-04
Hey, where is everybody? I thought we were going downtown to rag on the mimes.
*Pssst, Chuckles, have you seen my whoopie cushion?*
Hello?
PHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBTTTTTT!!
Very funny, pieholes. All 4,074 of you better make room in that car for me.

 

by umfumdisi
12-12-04
Damn, what a day. We got a trojan through a backdoor maintenance server, I spilled mustard on my tie, and I think Mr. Enderly's wife made a pass at me.
Rough day, hon. Sounds like you could use a blowjob.
*SPROING!* Hell, yeah!
Here's $20, I saw a hooker down on the corner.
Uh...
Alright, here's an extra $5 for the swallow.

 

by umfumdisi
12-12-04
Hey, Daddy, I jus' made us $25.
Hoo-boy, I fount another quarter!
Daddy?
Did you jus' say you made us $25?
*DING-DONG!*
Yeah, why?
Go give hit to the delivery man, I ordered us some pizza fer dinner.

 

by umfumdisi
12-12-04
Is this 203 Dirty Back Alley?
Sure is, but we don't have no doorbell.
Yeah, I didn't see a door, so I stepped over the dried puke and yelled, "DING-DONG!" Anyway, your total is $24.86--not including tip.
I only got $25, so I guess this is yer lucky day.
What do you me--Oh God!
*glorp, glorp*

 

by umfumdisi
12-21-04
So, are you pissed off, too?
Yeah, a little bit.
I mean, he didn't even try, did he?
Not that I can tell.
Brad went to all this trouble to round the textboxes...
yet he didn't do anything about our eyes.

 

by umfumdisi
12-21-04
Hey, umfum, I brought a sweet potato casserole and canied yams for Christmas dinner.
Great, put them on the big dining room table.
Hiya, umfum, I brought corn on the cob and cornbread for Christmas dinner.
Thanks, put them on the big dining room table.
Hi, umfum, I brought mashed potatoes, macaroni salad, and Rice-A-Roni for Christmas dinner.
Hell, I don't know if I should eat or iron my good shirts.

 

by umfumdisi
12-21-04
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Sorry, fellows, I didn't think it would be the first Noel...Coward.

 

by umfumdisi
12-21-04
Well, we had another great Christmas Eve. All the toys were delivered.
And all the milk and cookies were eaten. Yep, nothin' to do but wait for next year.
So, Rudolph, you in the mood for any reindeer games?
If I'd known sodomy was on the list, I'd never have signed up for "reindeer games."

 

by umfumdisi
12-24-04
Rudolf, the Blonde-Haired Aryan, had a very whitish face, and, if you ever saw it, you'd swear he's the Master Race.
Wurde Sie mögen eine Fahrt in meinem Beemer (Would you like a ride in my BMW)?
Ja, sicher (Yeah, sure).
All of the Jewish peasants, used to laugh and call him goy; they never let poor Rudolf forget he wasn't a chosen boy.
Hör auf mich zu plagen (Stop bothering me)!
Shlub! Goyim putz.
Then one dark and dreary night, Hitler came to say, "Rudolf, with your genes so tight, won't you guide my Race tonight?"
Sig Heil!
Then all the Reichstag loved him, as we shouted out with glee, "Rudolf, the blonde-haired Aryan, you'll go down in his...to...ryyyyyyy.

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-04
Say, baby,
your sins or mine?

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-04
Hey-ya, fellas, I'm a pleasant fortune teller; or, in other words, a happy medium.
Hullo.
Hey.
Heh, I'd like to give her MY happy medium.
I second that!

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-04
Hey, guys, I bet you didn't know I'm a Yankee fan.
Wow.
Didn't know that.
I'd sure like to Yank her fanny, if you know what I mean.
I sure do!

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-04
Good'een, gentlemen, I'm a deep-sea plumber.
Never hearda that'un.
Me neither.
I'd like to plumb her deep seas!
I think she was a dude, but I smell what you're cookin'.

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-04
I'm a whore, but, in my spare time, I'm a Ham Operator.
Cool.
Way Cool, Jr.
Damn, I'd like to operate 'er ham!
Hope she doesn't have green eggs.

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-04
I'm on my way to the 007 movie marathon. I'm a huge fan of Roger Moore.
What about Sean Connery and George Lazenby?
Not to mention Timothy Hutton and that other guy.
Lookit that ass! I'd sure like to roger her more!
Are you sure we're not the Euphemism Brothers?

Showing page 15.

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