All comics by ObiJo

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by ObiJo
6-06-02
If us each took a turn poking you in the belly, what would you say?
*WE*
IF US MANRAPE YOU WHAT WOULD YOU SAY!!!!!!!
*WE*
Mine turn is it! Mine turn is it!
Sorry for the del...stop picking on the doctor, people. And for the love of god, don't give Asian Girl a turn. We're still dipping into petty cash to pay the ER bill from last time.

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
I'm sorry, there's no one by that name at this address.
You must have the wrong house.
Let me get him for you.

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
I'm David.
I'm so glad to finally meet you, Mr. Hasselhoff!
What? No, I'm David Greene. Did you really think I was David Hasselhoff?
When I tell the story, you will be!
*shut*
*click*

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
Okay, Mr. Hasselhoff. I have felt myself in you, now I need to feel you in me.
Mr. Hasselhoff?

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
I have killed David Hasselhoff!
And the prophecy's fulfilled.

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
Great. Now how am I supposed to become a Super Character?
David sweety, where are
OH DEAR GOD!!!
Not to worry, ma'am, there's a logical explanation. I killed your husband to feel myself in him. I'm eating him to feel him in me.

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
I have murdered and consumed David Hasselhoff!
What? What are you talking about? David Hasselhoff's not dead. Didn't you see him when you walked in? He swept right past you. Look, there he is now.
Hi guy.
The janitor?
Not for much longer if he keeps forgetting to leave an extra roll of TP in the bathroom. YOU HEAR ME, DAVID?

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
You're not seriously going to let the Sodomizer 5000 join, are you? He's not Super Character material!
Hey, here's an idea. How about YOU go tell the murdering consumer of human flesh we don't want to play with him?
Well, I'm ready to work on my first case, fellow Super Character! Did I hear something about Brad being missing?
We finding him! Thinking he's kidnapped was being wrong. Past him out drunk in the room of bath at Hooters bar of Superness.
Us each now ask you about a little piggy, and us each request, nay, us each DEMAND an answer to this: if wall of the piggy's base is what tea Wolf wants, what would the piggy say on the day house?
*WE* *WE* *WE* *ALL* *THE* *WAY HOME* Stop that!

 

by ObiJo
6-06-02
Mom, I think you should know that I hate you with everything I have. You raised me horribly and made me grow into a twisted member of society.
I'm not your mother... I'm a hooker you picked up about ten minutes ago.
Oh...so you are. Sorry about that. I sometimes forget the hookers aren't my mother.
Come on in.

 

by ObiJo
6-14-02
The stork visits the Kevorkian household...
Googly woogly.
Goo gah haha!
Issy bissy baby waby.
Gah gaACHOO!
I'll grab a pillow.
Goo?

 

by ObiJo
6-14-02
My boy told me there was a contest to see who had the worst father. I feigned interest.
Then set him on fire.
Feigning interest will cost me with the judges.

 

by ObiJo
6-15-02
Hey, dad. Where's mom?

 

by ObiJo
6-15-02
I just can't go on like this.
Line.
But it can be no other way.
But it can be no other way.
Then life is not worth living.
Line.

 

by ObiJo
6-16-02
But nay, my heart is a Montague! And so I cannot love!
Line.
Does not a rose, by any other name, smell just as sweet?
Cut the 20 questions tootz, and make with the line.
That is the line.
That is the line.

 

by ObiJo
6-17-02
Dad, there's something I have to ask you. Dad...am I adopted?
Talking donkey!

 

by ObiJo
6-17-02
Dad...do you love me?
Of course! I created you!
But Ricky said I'm an abysmal shadow on the bright wall of God's luminance.
Well, Ricky's a little dickhead. Takes after his father, a big dickhead.
Great with imagery though.
I'll say.

 

by ObiJo
6-18-02
Good news.
Oh thank god.
You're dying.
How is that good news!
It's all very existential.

 

by ObiJo
6-18-02
I heard you were so sorry. If there's please don't
dying, Bongo. I'm anything I can do, hesitate to ask.
Thanks for the card, Pete.
You bet. And just think of it this way: we're all dying. You're just doing it first and missing out on a bunch of stuff the rest of us will see.
Thanks again, Pete.
I mean, think about it! Ten years ago no one knew what the internet was! Just imagine what the next 10 years have to hold!

 

by ObiJo
6-23-02
Hey, Maura, this is your author, Obi. There's a present for you outside your door. Go get it.
Not if you're going to put that creepy proposing bear out there again. He freaks me out.
No bears. No proposals. Just a present.
Okay then!
Rip Tear Unwrap
Marry me.

 

by ObiJo
7-03-02
Boy, it's weird, but for some reason I expected this subway car to smell like ass.
It's funny you should say that, because I was just thinking that even though subway cars have never smelled like ass, I always expect them to.
The two behind me keep talking about how this car doesn't smell like ass. And you know what? THEY ARE RIGHT!
NOT A SMIDGE OF ASS ODOR!
I had plans to go molest my daughter for the first time, but this ride is so pleasantly ass free, I've decided never to molest her! And who knows? Maybe she'll grow up well adjusted and cure cancer!

 

by ObiJo
7-05-02
They say it's your birthday! Dunna nunna nunna nuh! It's my birthday too!
Yeah?
They've got a singing ghost batting second, boys! But not to worry! He's no match for our 10-foot Lithuanian bunnyman. Now let's swim the Atlantic, hurdle Jesus, and claim our rightful victory!
Though it's commonly associated with the Vietnam War, few know of LSD's prevalence during the Civil War.
I didn't know we had a bunnyman.
Me either.

 

by ObiJo
7-06-02
What's all this Pete?
My time machine! It was a bitch to build but worth it if I can counsel just one despondent dinosaur back to health.
Good luck to you!
Thank you!
So anyways, doc, I just can't stop fixating on extinction. When I'm awake, it consumes my every thought. When I'm asleep, it haunts my dreams. What should I do?
Wish I could help, but my degree's in time machines.

 

by ObiJo
7-06-02
So I rise, doff my hat and dinner jacket and look right at Mr. Tavers and say "Any establishment lacking even the most elementary of dress code will not sustain my patronage."
Good show, old man!
Egads, more gawkers approach.
Best we keep up appearances.
ROOOOAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!
SHREEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!

 

by ObiJo
7-08-02
My creation! Alive! And standing! AND TRYING TO TALK!
PPPPUD
What?
You're a pud.
I don't understand.
Sayeth the pud.

 

by ObiJo
7-08-02
Your linguistic IC must be malfunctioning, you're making no sense.
What cruel fate have thou descended upon me, Amelia!
And, with whom do you consort behind my back, foul shrew!
But alas, the bowl of my heart is too cracked to hold the fire of wrath. Take leave, Amelia. Take leave fore my tears wash away my dignity.
Seems to be working now.
pud.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
gNAR!!!
gNAR!
AH GAWG gNAR!!!
gNAR!
gNAR gNAR gNAR AH GAWG gNAR AH GAWG gNAR gNAR gNAR!!!
and the home of the brave.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
pud.
pud?
pud.
gNAR?
gNAR?
gNAR!!!

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
I do.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Sir, step out of the car please.
What are you doing in my bathroom?
Sir this isn't
Sir, stop urinating on my leg.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Randolph here loves cigarettes.
Cigarette.
Randolph here just quit smoking.
Cigarette!
Don't fuck with me Randolph.
Taser.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
I've decided to just pick a template and write stream of consciousness what comes to mind for the next however many comics.
That sucks that's a stupid idea.
I wish you wouldn't have said that.
Actually you said that. Since this is all stream of consciousness, we can each be seen as an extension of the author.
I wish I wasn't so damn self-critical.
At least we're not Jewish.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
So whatever I think in these stream of consciousness comics I must write.
I hope no one thinks I'm extremely gay and murdered that gay hooker I murdered.
For instance that was just me thinking something funny, not a real story.
Don't believe him folks, I have the spandex to prove the murder.
Whose side are you on.
The dark one.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
How's that.
Oh that's the shit all right stream of conscious guy.
K, now it's your turn to scratch mine.
Don't think so. Having a constant template means the characters don't change once set. We're stuck this way.
Kind of reassuring, actually. Means I know I'm not going to be set on fire or eaten by you. Nothing bad can happen with constant templates!
I butchered your wife and sold the video to Faces of Death.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Who are you?
I am the one whose name shall not be spoken.
Norman?
That's me, potato head.
I am not a potato. I am a water molecule, necessary for life.
And respiration. *phwoot*

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Is it true what they say about black men?
The looting?
No, that's you're all hung like a horse.
Or a donkey?
Don't believe everything you read in Esquire.
Ditto.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Bombs.
Against.
Terrorists?
Against.
Bomb shelters?
Alright already.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Watch me blip out of existence.
blip
So what's non-existence like?
Urban Utah.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Hey, bub. What's your motivation?
Nuts.
To enjoy their taste?
To avoid starvation.
Wake up man! You're living a lie!
Fuck off.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Hey guy, what's your motivation.
Torturing souls.
For the naughty pleasure?
You betcha.
Thanks, you're alright.
Not so fast.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
What's your motivation, street walker?
Street walker! ONE TIME I don't have time to do my hair and motherfucker be calling me a street walker.
So what's your motivation, faux street walker?
My motivation for what?
How do you make decisions?
Magic 8-Ball. The word Magic's FAA regulated you know.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
What's your motivation, Bob?
World peace.
Then why are you singing about the 16 year old you banged?
Make love not war.
Then how come you sang about murdering her afterwards?
War and Peace, man. Like Ying and Yang or Captain and Tenille.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Here's something I never understood about thermodynamics - heat always flows from a hot source to a cold right?
Just the opposite.
What?
Heat flows from a cold source to a hot. That's why the hot's hot and the cold's cold.
Are you sure?
Pretty.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
I think I'll write a scientifically intensive cartoon to impress the regulars and make everyone oo and ah at my intellect.
Go for it, approval whore!
Solving a differential equation centers around separation of variables. This is accomplished with multiple formulas differentiated by their characteristics such as first order or homogeneous.
*I dream of genie blink and associated audio clip*
What have you done!
Made you lie in your bed.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
I don't want to be a whore!
Only by self-examination can you break the confines of your approval seeking mind.
I'm talking about the titties and tatoos.
Just a shell, approval whore. Heal thy innards and you shall be restored.
So like an ointment?
An ointment for you soul, but only euphemistically.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
Hello I'm an approval whore.
One eared bunny here.
Love me.
I love everyone.
Then yours is not a love I want
Sorry, that's my choice.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
So how do you think it's going to turn out?
What?
The bunny approval whore trist.
I think it will be true love. Walks in the moonlight, feeding each other shakes, gazing into each others eyes for hours.
I'm going murder suicide.
I COULDN'T THINK OF THE PHRASE!

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
By loving everyone, you cheapen your love.
By loving everyone I sharpen my skill through practice.
Don't throw your pearls to pigs.
Love thy neighbor as thyself.
I don't even LIKE myself.
Obviously. One only treats others as they expect to be treated.

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
I see the truth in it.
Then change.
How?
Assume people are good.
And get my purse stolen?
Should the 99% who didn't steal your purse get punished for the 1% that did?

 

by ObiJo
7-09-02
But people aren't good.
You think they're bad?
No, not bad exactly. Just kind of neutral. Selfish. Seeking their own pleasure and avoiding their own pain.
If a bear gets kicked in the crotch enough by a donkey, eventually he'll wear a cup. Is the bear in err?
I don't know what the fuck you just said.
Me either, let's roll tape.

Showing page 16.

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