All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
5-12-03
Yep, I answered the call for super-heros, too, Jon, but the cops said it was a trick. But I found out there really was a...
...crime... to be... solved...
Really, Jim? I didn't know you were even a super hero.
Quiet! My pedy-sense is telling me there is work to be done! This looks like a job for... Pedophili-o!

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
Um, hi... I heard this is the super-secret super-hero hang out.
You're in the right place. Here's my card.
Oh my gosh! This says you're with the Ex-Men!! Which one are you? Rogue?
No, I'm Layla.
Um... I didn't know there was an Ex-Man named "Layla."
Yep. Used to be "Larry."

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
Oh, the Ex-Men. Amazing the difference an "e" can make.
Yeah, we're suing the other guys for copyright infringement.
So what are your powers?
As an Ex-Man, I have the powers of both men AND women.
Yeah. That's... um... great.
Surely you're not deriding my powers, Launches-Fish-out-of-a-Cannon Man.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
How do the Ex-Men use their powers?
Well, what powers do women have?
Well, once a month they get to shock, demean, and demoralize men.
Right. But as an Ex-Man, I don't have to limit that to once a month. I can do it anytime.
You're scaring me.
That's nothing. I also have breasts.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
Are you looking at my breasts?
Ye... NO! Um, no... I wasn't looking at your full, round, supple...
Now remember... I USED TO BE A MAN!
OH MY GOD! I AM GOING TO PLUCK OUT MY EYES AND STERILIZE THEM CLEAN WITH A WHITE-HOT FLAME!!!
I really shouldn't do that... but it's so much fun.
PLEASE! HURRY! SOMEONE GET ME A FORK!

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
I don't know if I'm cut out for this low-budget super hero stuff. What's your schtick? The Taffy-Haired Avenger? The Human Tank... Top? The Deadly Dimple?
Are you staring at my breasts?
Well, ye-... NO! Of course not... I wouldn't... um...
Oh, my god. You're another Ex-Man, aren't you?
Rachel -- formerly Roger -- at your service.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
So there really was a crime the police wanted us super-heros to solve?
Yes... apparently someone's been dealing three-card monte in a back alley and the police wanted us to stop it. Which reminds me...
Hey, Maurice, could you take it somewhere else?
Sure, right after this deal.
They couldn't have done that themselves?
They tend to think twice before entering back-alleys populated with people who think they have super powers.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
Well, I guess the day is saved, Ex-Man Lar-, um, Layla, although I didn't appreciate your using your powers on me.
Hey, at least I didn't give you a close-up view of my Adam's apple.
It's nothing compared to Ex-Man Rachel's. Look.
***~~BOOM!~~***
YYEEEEAAAHHH!!!!
What? I don't see anything. What's your power, launching fish out of a cannon or making people turn around against their will?

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
You won't believe what happened to me today. I was watching TV when...
...are you staring at my breasts?
OH, GOD, NO! NOT YOU TOO! I CAN'T BEAR TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! GET ME A FORK!! A RUSTY ONE!
HEY, IF YOU THINK THAT GOUGING YOUR OWN EYEBALLS FROM A FORK IS GOING TO KEEP ME FROM... uh... actually, that is kind of gross...

 

by Scyess
5-30-03
How did you ever get away from that crazy feel-no-pain berserker fighting dude?
Well...
Dammit, I've been holding my hand over this open flame for five minutes to show you how tough I am. Aren't you convinced yet?
Almost. Maybe just a little longer.
I guess that explains that pile of charred human remains in the backyard.
What? I thought those were yours.

 

by Scyess
5-30-03
So are you going to tell me about the pile of charred human remains in the backyard, or what?
Haha! Boy, is that a long story.
In this case, it might actually be worthwhile to take the time to tell it.
Really? I don't want to bore you.

 

by Scyess
6-02-03
It all started a few nights ago when the moon was full. The wind was blowing like the approach of the world's ultimate doom...
...what the hell are you talking about?
I'm just, you know. Trying to set the mood.
THERE ARE CHARRED HUMAN REMAINS IN MY BACKYARD! I THINK THE MOOD IS APPROPRIATELY SET!
Geez. You have no appreciation for the ancient art of storytelling.

 

by Scyess
6-02-03
All right! No more narration, no more mood setting, no more "world's ultimate doom!" What the hell does "ultimate doom" mean, anyway?
It just, you know. Sounds ominous and stuff.
Just tell me why there are dead people in my friggin' back yard!!!
Jim put them there.
Oh.
Don't give me that look. Any lack of denoumaunt is purely your fault.

 

by Scyess
6-02-03
Hey, Jim! Why are you burying a bunch of burned, bloody sacks in Jon's back yard?
They're full of burned corpses. This is all part of a dark rite to bring about the end of the world.
Wow, really?!
Haha! No, I'm just pulling your leg. They're just some jerks from an SUV that cut me off in traffic.
Hahaha! Wow, I can't believe I can be so gullible sometimes.
Yep. You know, if you hold the ones that are still sqirming you can save me some time.

 

by Scyess
6-04-03
I'm in the mood for some poignant satire on current events!
Well, then let me tell you about the suspected terrorist detainees in Cuba...
Hey, Jon. Sorry to interrupt, but Tataki just picked a fight with the local mini-skirt kickboxing champion over who had the best legs. The panties are really flying!
I hate it when Scyess forgets to read the news.
Wow... I didn't know humans could break the sound barrier.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
Hello, is this Don?
This is "Jon."
Hi, Don, you have been specially selected from an exclusive list to recieve the offer for...
This "exclusive list" wouldn't be "the phone book," would it?
No, of course not. Actually, it's a list of everyone who has ever come within 300 yards of a phone.
That sounds pretty exclusive.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
So for the low, low rate of $19.95 a day for seven years, you can recieve our product. Any questions?
Does it work?
Um... that's not really written on the data sheet here...
Oh, then I'm sure it's just fine.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
So how many do you want to order, sir?
Don't be so formal. You can call me by name.
So, how many do you want to order, Don?
Actually, I prefer "Mr." plus my surname.
But... your last name has more letters in it than the alphabet.
And pronounce it right; I'd hate to think I'm buying rectal squeegees from a total stranger.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
Sir?
Are your products really as great as you make them sound?
Even better!
Will you go out with me?
Are you blond, well-muscled, tall, and earning $200K a year?
Even more!

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
I'm not a date-line; I just want to sell you our revolutionary products.
If you go out with me I'll make it worth your while.
You'd have to order 100 for me to even consider it.
Put me down for 300, and overnight delivery! See you tomorrow night at 7:00.
It's no use, dick. I can't find my credit card.
You should cancel it before someone runs up your charges.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
Dammit, dick, someone ran up $400,000 of charges on my credit card before I cancelled.
Well, we'll just track where the stuff goes, and catch the bastard.
That's no good. We just had 300 rectal squeegies and 5000 cases of hummus soda delivered here. What am I going to do with all this stuff, dick?
Um, sir, I'm John Ashcroft, the Attourney General. Not the vice president.
I know. "Dick" wasn't capitalized.
Ah.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
I have a date with the telemarketing chick tonight.
Doesn't she think you're blond, tall, muscular, and rich?
No problem, for I am... the master of disguise!!!
Aha! Instantly rich-looking. We'll worry about the other stuff later.
Rich people don't usually wear old tuxedo coats from the neighborhood garage sale.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
Hi, I'm Telley, we... hey, didn't you tell me you're "tall, blond, and muscular?"
Didn't you tell me the rectal squeegees you sold me "wouldn't cause tearing or lesions"?
Touché.
I hope you don't mind eating at the stand-up restaraunt.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
Gee, Jon, you're not half as bad as I thought you'd be, even though you lied about your appearance.
WOO-HOO!
Hey, your jacket fell off! I can see through your disguise. You lied about your wealth, too, didn't you?
Um... no?
But I don't get it... how could you afford to order 300 rectal squeegees?
I found the president's credit card. Look, you can still see the cocaine around the edges.

 

by Scyess
6-14-03
Welcome, sir. Our specials tonight are lemongrass seared sturgeon with caramelized banana coconut curry and pepper crusted rack of lamb with an apple white-wine glaze.
Our soup is Crème of Pumpkin and our salad is mesclun with walnuts and pine nuts. Would you like a few moments to decide?
Naw, just grill us up some cheeseburgers. And hold the bun on mine.
So that's two patties and one bun. Anything else?
Yes, could you dredge them through the gunk under the deep-fat-fryer a few times? Thanks.

 

by Scyess
6-21-03
I'll bet it sucks to be in telemarketing.
Yeah, but it pays the bills. What do you do?
Um, sit around with my pink cow friend, mostly. It doesn't really pay the bills, but it's better than calling total strangers who hate you.
But how do you have that huge house, and, well, what's paying for this dinner?
Let's just say I've severed all ties with a certain crotchety old bitch called "reality."
That would explain why I'm on this date.

 

by Scyess
6-21-03
Well, here we are back at my place after a wonderful evening. Would you care to come in for a little... drink?
I really don't think I should...
Oh, come now, it's the 21st century, and we're both adults...
No, it's not that. It's more just that I hate you.
Oh.
Tell you what. I'll come in if you promise I can mace you.

 

by Scyess
6-21-03
Telley, I'd like you to meet my pink cow friend, Cowdjinn.
Oh my god...
Look, I know it's a bit wierd for a man to have a pink cow chained to his closet, but once you get to know --
OH MY GOD, it's YOU!
Why hello, Telley. Or should I say, "Dominique de Renault!"
Well, at least we can skip the whole "awkwardness of meeting a talking pink cow" thing...

 

by Scyess
6-21-03
That's a long, complicated story about how you two met. Let me get this straight...
Okay, you recap while I go hump your date.
You met in a small cafe on a tepid night in Belgium in 1947. You were both exhausted. You were seeking solace in the warmth of another living creature, never suspecting you were really enemies...
Your shirt is adorable, Mademoiselle. I love the color.
Why, Monsieur!
Wait a minute... did you say "hump my date?" Um, Cowdjinn?
**hump*hump*hump**

 

by Scyess
6-21-03
Goddam it, I hope you enjoyed humping my date.
I ate her.
YOU CAN SPARE ME THE GRAPHIC DETAILS.
No, I mean, when I was done, I ate her. Did anyone who might miss her know she was coming here tonight?
I would be quite pissed off at you right now if she weren't a telemarketer.
...which reminds me. Be careful of those rectal squeegees she sold you. It seems they cause tearing and lesions.

 

by Scyess
6-22-03
Okay, Jon, here's the game. We each draw a card, and on the count of three, we lay it down face up on the table.
Then, we each take a chainsaw and try to decapitate the other one. The one who knocks a card of the table or dies loses.
I think I'll take "call Jim" off the list of things to do on a Saturday night.
Your chainsaw is the Nerf one.

 

by Scyess
6-22-03
...and not only do I think there's life on other planets, I think I've found evidence that they're among us!
I mean, disguised as us, walking among us! You don't think I'm crazy, do you?
Okay, you can turn around now.
You know, we've been married 12 years now, I think it's okay for me to see you without your makeup.

 

by Scyess
6-24-03
Hi! Would you like to sign my petition against...
No.
I think I need a more specific sign.

 

by Scyess
7-01-03
This is boring. We should find something to do.
Yeah. Do you think Jon is doing anything tonight?
WHY DOES NO ONE CALL? OH, PLEASE, GOD! JUST ONE PHONE CALL! JUST A LITTLE ONE! A WRONG NUMBER! IN TAGALOG! ANYTHING! WWAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
You might say that.
Dang. I guess we'll have to find something on our own.

 

by Scyess
7-02-03
Hey howdy, little girl. Do you like Nabokov novels?
MOOOMMMMYYYYY!!!!!

 

by Scyess
7-02-03
Did you know that Claude Shannon coined the term "bit" ("binary digit") in 1948 in the same paper in which he described the CDMA technology still used my many wireless phones today?
So?
So? So I will now go out and woo women with my unparalleled knowledge of the history of spread-spectrum technology!
You might have better luck if you just wrapped some duct-tape around your head a few times.
...unless you think I should read up on IEEE 802.11 standards first...

 

by Scyess
7-02-03
I was bored the other day, so I decided to become an all-poweful god.
Um, yeah. You might be better of wrapping some just duct-tape around your head a few times.
I made up a list of rules I'm calling "The Ten Things I Command." Guess what number one is?
Dang... that line seemed so charming when Cowdjinn said it.

 

by Scyess
7-04-03
Hey, Cowdjinn! How many girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hee hee. I don't know, how many?
Yes, Jon, my left foot would also like to know. Or should I say HHAAAAII-
*gulp*
I was out before she got to "ya." I just wish I knew how she keeps getting into my house.
Is that your pink cow stuffed down your chimney?

 

by Scyess
7-04-03
Hey, Cowdjinn! How many girls does it take to screw in a light blub?
Uh...
Dammit, Jon, you never learn. I'm gonna...
Aha! No you're not, because I said light "blub," not "bulb!" You have no proof I was about to make a sexist joke, so you can't do anything. So HA!
...so much for that theory.
Sorry, Jon. I have no proof that you're going to bleed to death. I guess I can't do anything.

 

by Scyess
7-05-03
My life is boring. What can I do to add a little excitement?
HEY, EVERYBODY!!
THE NUDE WATER RUGBY CHAMPIONSHIP STARTS IN 5 MINUTES! BOYS V.S. GIRLS! FORM YOUR TEAMS AND INTO THE POOL NOW!!
That sounds dangerous. I bet somebody's going to get hurt. But what was I thinking about? Oh, yes... my life is boring...
OFFSIDES! **splash** WOO!! HAHA! ILLEGAL CONTACT!! **splash** HAHAHA YEAAAHHH!

 

by Scyess
7-09-03
You asshole! You're only firing me because I'm black, and so you know you can get away with it.
That's a completely false claim, and you know it.
Well, then, you're firing me because you found out I'm gay, and that threatens your manhood!
I think you should leave now.
I knew it! It was because I was gay all along.
Dude, he fired you for turning the corprate HQ building into a 800,000 sq ft. aquarium.

 

by Scyess
7-09-03
Tell me, Jon, does this skirt made of the burned, ripped flesh of a live human mortal make me look fat?
Um, no, actually, it's quite flattering.
There was, of course, only one right answer to that question.
You're not just saying that, are you?

 

by Scyess
7-09-03
. . . !
Did you leave Barry the list of groceries to pick up like I asked you?
"List of Groceries?" I thought you said "pictures of his mom sleeping with the Chicago Bulls' mascot."

 

by Scyess
7-09-03
Hi, Sanna. Long time, no see. What's up?
Well, I just had a fight with my brother and I was wondering if I could move in with you until things cool off.
Er, this is your brother Hal, who enjoys violence for fun, has a record of being able to break into my house, and thinks of me "extra points?"
Yeah. He kind of killed our roommate, and I'm annoyed at him.
You're, um, not doing much to help your case.
Well, what if I only bring five of the St. Bernards?

 

by Scyess
7-09-03
I'm sorry, I don't think letting you hide from your homocidal brother here is a good idea.
But I'll pay rent, and help with housework, and...
Look, this is my life we're talking about here...
...and when I take a shower, you will have a naked girl in your house.
Grab your stuff! I'll show you to your room!
Although, now I wonder if sleeping in those boxes behind the 7-11 is such a bad idea after all...

 

by Scyess
7-10-03
Over here is the bathroom. Um, you probably shouldn't go in there until I get it cleaned up.
Yep. And here's your room. Er, actually, better stay out of there until I can tidy up a bit...
Actually, why don't you just help me fetch the flame thrower from storage.
Normally that phrase wouldn't encourage me to stay somewhere, but in this case it's exactly what I needed to hear.

 

by Scyess
7-10-03
Okay, Jon, stay calm. So there's a girl sleeping in your house... yes, in your house!!! No! Calm down. It's just a girl, who is sleeping. No big deal. Just go to bed. Don't think about it.
*click*
Yes, just a girl. That's all. Just a few yards away! Ah! No! It's totally innocent. Go to sleep. All calm. Rest. Relax... sleep... calm...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Okay, Sanna, stay calm. Remember... I have the flamethrower...

 

by Scyess
7-18-03
Mother, do you ever get that... not-so-fresh feeling?
Yes, dear. It comes with being a "sanitation engineer" at the world's largest hog farm.
So if I ask you to recommend a hygiene product...
Bleach, dear. Bleach and napalm.

 

by Scyess
8-11-03
Bored.
I guess I could smash that pumpkin for fun.
Hi. I noticed you admiring my pumpkin. Want me to show you some carving techniques?
Or I could go seek fun at houses that don't have jack-o-lanterns in August.

 

by Scyess
8-11-03
...and then you cut around the face. I find it helps artistically to scream the names of my ex-girlfriend while doing it.
...and that's how you carve a jack-o-lantern. Any questions?
Holy FUCK you are one scary bastard.
That's really more of a comment.
How can I get you not to kill me?

Showing page 16.

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