All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Why is the bathroom mirror covered in streaks and smudges?
Mom was putting on her makeup.
So?
Well, ever since she got her new smart phone,
she thinks everything is a touch screen.

 

So what are you thankful for, dad?
I'm thakful that your mother never found out about the $300 I blew at the strip club.
Uh...
She's right behind me, isn't she?

 

The beans cost double because they're RE fried!
In that case, I'm going to leave you a five cent tip and tell you I left you a five dollar tip.
Cuz your RE tarded!

 

Man that was a great movie! I can't wait for the next "Fast and Furious" to come out.
This just in... According to his publicist, Paul Walker just died in a fiery car crash.
Fuckin' method actors.

 

I've finally finished vacuuming up all of the tree needles from the artificial Christmas tree.
You know what that means...
It means it's time for me to get out the tree and put it up again for this year.

 

I'd invite you in, but I'm menstruating.
You don't have an asshole?

 

You push that wall and I'll push this wall and we'll see if we can stretch this thing out.
Okay, but we should grunt loudly while we do it.
It's working! It's working!
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUU
What happened?
I stopped becuase you were making me do all the grunt work.

 

Jesus' penis has taken a vow of silence.

 

Hey, don't be saggin' my young brother.
Don't be usin' the word saggin'. That's the white man's word.
How you figure?
They came up with that word, not us. Just spell it backwards if you don't believe me.
N-I-G-G--- Now wait just a cracker lovin' minute!
Told ya!

 

So, I'm very excited about being here for open mic night. Let's start out with a "knock, knock" joke. Knock, knock!

 

Honey, I'm really tired. No talking, I just need to go to sleep.
Sounds good. I'm exhasted.
*click
I mean I'm worn out. All day long I've done nothing but run around for other people. First it was Marcy who forgot to pick up the office suppiles down town and then the school called and I had to...
I might as well get a drink of water.
*click
Will you turn off that light! I told you I was trying to sleep!

 

Dad, I'm hungry. There's nothing to eat here.
I know son. That's why I've saved all of our money to take a vacation.
Where are we going?
Spain!
But dad, why did we come to Spain the day after La Tomatin, the big rotten tomato food fight?
Are you bitchin' about left overs? Shut up and lick the wall!

 

Why do I smell melted plastic?
I may have burnt some Barbies.
Do I dare ask why you torched your sister's Barbies?
Because she didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.
And commiting arson was the way to get her want she wanted?
Well, yeah. She told me she really, really wanted a Ken Doll Fire.

 

It's been a really weird day.
How so?
This amputee comes to my door, tells me he lost a leg in a marathon, takes off his fake leg and beats my dog to death with it.
That is weird.
And for the life of me, I can't figure out why.
Here's your problem. There's a typo in the newspaper stating that you have a Boston Terrorist for sale instead of a Boston Terrier.

 

Don't tell me you're pregnant! You just ate half a pizza, a whole cake and three pieces of pie.
I'm not pregnant. I've made a resolution to eat less next year so I'm getting in a few extra bites now, before it starts.
Really? Well you're a fat fucking cunt who doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs. And for that, I'm about to beat the living shit outta you!
Whoa! Wait! Where is this coming from?
I made a resolution to love you more next year.

 

So for your back pain I wrote you a prescription for ... Hello? Are you listening to me?
Sorry doc. I got to thinking about how you used to deliver babies, you know, as a "baby" "doctor".
I started picturing you in a diaper and bib doing doctor stuff. I started laughing becuase "baby" and "doctor" don't go together. Now what did you prescribe me?
Oxy, moron!

 

So I hear you and the misses are expecting.
Yep. A baby boy. We're gonna name him Messiah.
Messiah? Are you serious? Why would you do something like that?
Just for the joke that will happen 17 years from now.
17 years later...
uuuhhh, uuuhhh, almost, almost... MESSIAH HAS COME!
Is this why you only date Jewish chicks?

 

Can you give me a description of the man who exposed himself to you?
Not really.
Why not?
It was so quick.
Look lady, we can't do much without a description.
I know, but it just happened in a flash.

 

Buster Keaton born - 1895
I don't understand it. The little guy won't say a word, but he sure loves the camera!
"Leave it to Beaver" debutes - 1957
Finally! Something wholesome to watch, unlike that fucking Benny Hill!
Janis Joplin found dead - 1970
Just goes to show you that watching silent films and marathons of Leave It To Beaver leads to heroine use!

 

Look, you don't have to take this from the farmer anymore.
But he loves sex so much.
If he loves it so much, then why don't you force it on him?
You mean I should rape the farmer?
Easy now! You don't want to do this.
The hell I don't. Bend over and get ready to be "Rammed"!

 

Dinah Shore was born - 1916
Congratulations! It's a girl!
Thanks doc. I'm gonna name her after you!
by four_legged_tripod, 1-23-14

 

My car was just repossessed and I had left my bullet proof vest in the back seat.
I didn't know you were a police officer.
I'm not.
Do you drive an armored truck?
No. I'm a rapper.

 

Next to get into heaven! Let's see... Middle name, Seymour. Last name...
Hoffman?
No. Last name Butts! That's the joke. Seymour Butts!
Oh. I get it.
Hey buddy, can you move over? They just called my name.

 

Before marriage
Hey, my eyes are up here.
After marriage
Hey, my boobs are down here.

 

Can I help you?
I'll have a Shirley Temple.
You should really be in a restaurant if you want a Shirley Temple drink.
What's a Shirley Temple drink?

 

Oh, Granny! Ja! Give it to me!
Oh, das iz goot! You're hitting it zo hard I'm gonna shits on your leggen!
Granny? Vas is das?
Adolph! Don't look! You need to learn how to knock virst!
And that, kids, was the inception of German porn.
On a side note, it's also the origins of the sex act of shitting on your partner's leg called "knockwursting".

 

What are you doing home so early?
I told work I had to leave because I had a hot date!
Oh honey! You did remember Valentine's Day!
I didn't say it was with you.

 

Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters, of course.
Huh...
The line was dead.

 

Come on Randy. One more drink.
I don't know man. I think I've had too much.
Ha! I knew I could drink you under the table!
Damn, Randy! What the hell happened?
I don't know. I must have blacked out.

 

Nnnnniiiiggg-rah.
I think it's pronounced "Nigger."
Oh.
What?
She was trying to pronounce "Niagara."

 

I don't understand why you want to see if my brother will date you.
You know I just got out of a relationship with JaMarcus.
I know, but I thought it was true that once you go black...
Oh it is.
Once you go black, you become a single mother.

 

Dear God in Heaven, this comic comp has gone almost three weeks with only two enteries. Please make it stop...
Dear Buddha, this comic comp has gone almost three weeks with only two enteries. Please make it stop...
Dear iconoclastic, this comic comp has gone on for almost three weeks with only two enteries. Please make it stop...
Finally! Someone figured out that they needed to pray to me! Fine. I'll end this thing as soon as kaufman's god of procrastination gets back to me.

 

I love it when you make me a good cup of tea. Everytime I look at this tea, I see you.
What?
I said, Everytime I look at this tea, I see you!
You what?
SEE YOU IN TEA!
What did you just call me?

 

By Satan's power, I summons you, oh great Garfield!
There's coruption in the Post Office!
President James A. Garfield? Sorry dude. Wrong grave yard.
No problem.
By Satan's power, I summons you, oh great Garfield!
Meow.

 

You really should change. You don't look good in those slacks.
Well, I don't look that great in my jeans, either.
I NOTICED THAT YOU DIDN'T TRY TO ARGUE WITH ME!

 

Congrats man. I hear you and your wife are expecting.
I guess.
Oh that's right. You really didn't want a child.
Yeah. I plan to name her Lana.
You've picked out a name already for a child you don't really want?
Yep. So every time I spell her name backwards it will remind me that we should have done it anal.

 

So how did therapy go?
My therapist told me that I needed to stop masturbating.
Did he say why?
Yeah. He said,
"Because this is a therapy office and it's making me uncomfortable."

 

Got my homework all done. I had to do a report on Abe Vigoda. My friend Crabby did some research and found that he died in the 80s.
Crabby is a doody head. Abe Vigoda is still alive.
But that means I would have to change my whole report.
Well, you'll have to either re-do it or find a way around it.
Okay, Mr. Vigoda. In this Snickers commercial you'll be showing how the new rat poison flavored Snickers bar can affect you.
My throat feels funny kid. Is that supposed to happ--- *Ack*

 

So I hear your wife is getting into that extreme couponing craze.
Yeah, she's really good about not spending a whole lot of money.
That's awesome, especially in this economy.
Well, that and the fact that,
I'm really good about not making a whole lot of money.

 

Aw Santa! What did you go and do now?
The Sugar Plum faries were all dirty, so I washed them.
But now they're all wet. Go hang them out to dry.
Fine!

 

Hey, Frank! There's something moving over here.
Just wait. I'll get it.
Got it!

 

AHHHH CHOOO!
Sorry! My bad!
On the plus side, we no longer have to sit through "Jack and Jill" anymore...

 

Ah! Jim's got himself a one of those cute Wishnik troll dolls.
I think I'll just poke it a little while he's gone.
Come any closer with that finger and I'll shove it up your ass!
...the fuck?!

 

I've been stranded on this island for six months. I wish someone would come and rescue me.
Here I come to save the day!
I'm standing behind you.
I can tell. That's why I'm standing down wind.

 

I've been stranded on this island for six months. I wish someone would come and resuce me.
Here I come to save the day!
You're standing on my nut.
If that's the case, then we've got bigger problems than I first thought.

 

Jim, would you be so kind to open up a window?
But the papers will blow all over.
It's fine. I'll get a paper weight.
Whatever.
Ha!
*sigh*

 

Timmy, I need you to dust the kitchen table for me.
Okay.
Look, I don't like this any more than you do, but I need you to crop dust the table for me.
Fine.
Ha! I just saw you fart fairy dust!
I hate my life...

 

Santa, did you remember to bring in the Sugar Plum fairies you set out to dry?
Shit! I forgot all about them! It's been a week now. They're most likely dead.
Well don't let them go to waste. Use them as decorations or something.
Fine...

 

You called for an 'Escort'?
I'm trying to teach math here. Get outta my classroom!
Dammit, I'm going to have sex with you and you're going to pay me for it! Got that!? Good!!
Class, quickly get out your sex education textbooks for an impromptu lesson.
But sir, we're not suppose to study sex ed until next year.
Shut the fuck up and help a brother out, Timmy!

 

You called for an 'Escort'?
Dammit, I'm going to have sex with you and you're going to pay me for it! Got that!? Good!!
Well!?
Sorry. I just threw up in my pants.

Showing page 16.

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