All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
5-07-02
Over there, he looks like a good one.
You think so? All right. Activate the stun grenade.

 

by kaufman
5-07-02
I'm my sister's husband's dog's wife ... Wait a minute, so am I!
He's been watching those Jerry Springer tapes for 40 straight hours now. His brain should be putty in our hands.
All right, you get the change of clothes, I'll start with the bleach.
He's beautiful. We are ready to attack. Bring out the full army!

 

by kaufman
5-07-02
Look, this one is walking into the wind!
And mine is stuck in an invisible box. Our army of mimes rules!

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
Our story begins with our two heroes damned for all eternity for their myriad crimes against humanity.
How are we going to get out of here?
I think there is a way ... we're in a stripcreator comic, right?
Yeah. So?
All we have to do is figure out how to change the ...
... background! (I hope you can swim.)

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
Sucky sucky!
Five dollar.
Sucky sucky!
Five...
dollllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaa ..... *SPLAT*

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
Tonight's top story: the deaths of the two Asian Girls. They seem to have fallen from 30,000 feet, but how they got there, nobody knows.
Cowboy physicist Albert Holstein surmises that they could have suffered from a "sudden change in background" but adds...
We told you not to sit too close to your tv.
..."Them comic backgrounds ain't gonna change by thems... ***ZZZZAAPPP!!***
AIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
The reign of terror continues ...
Help! I can't breathe!
Me neither!
I rust.
Hissssssssss....
Armageddon already? I guess our work is done here. Let's head on to some other planet.
Can I buy you a drink first?

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
Stripcreator's greatest minds meet...
Here's what we've got. 44 dead or missing, and the attacks are happening faster and faster.
Someone has found the way to change and control backgrounds. Any idea who it could be?
The only ones clever or evil enough for that would be bear and horse. Oh, and your mother says hello.
If we can control that technology, we might be able to get ahead of them, and bring a halt to the carnage.
Maybe if we just don't feed the trolls ...
Hey, who invited Bazilla to this meeting?

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
Stripcreator's greatest minds meet...
Here's what we've got. 44 dead or missing, and the attacks are happening faster and faster.
Someone has found the way to change and control backgrounds. Any idea who it could be?
The only ones clever or evil enough for that would be bear and horse. Oh, and your mother says hello.
If we can control that technology, we might be able to get ahead of them, and bring a halt to the carnage.
Maybe if we just don't feed the trolls ...
Hey! Who invited Bazilla?

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
Hold it right there, horse. The game is up!
You think so? You know the saying, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen ...
I don't think you heard me. It's over for you!
I ... I don't understand. Why aren't you melting? Why aren't you dead?
As it turns out, we shifted your buddy, the Reaper over to moonscape. A bit hard for him to take lives from there.

 

by kaufman
5-09-02
Well, that didn't work out. We're stuck here again.
Don't worry. I have another plan.
I don't think I want to know.
See? We're in a pool of hot molten metal. By cooling it and forming it into a humanoid shape, I am creating a true robot from Hell, one that will terrorize all.
*eep*
TH...TH...TH...THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

 

by kaufman
5-21-02
Hello, everyone. Now that this series is 25 comics old, we thought we'd entertain a few letters from the readers.
Ok, Ken, this one says: Hey, you misspelled a word in the last strip. Why shouldn't I bring attention to it and shame to you?
I'll pun.

 

by kaufman
5-21-02
This one says: I found a coded message in this series that eating Pringles will make you beautiful. Is that really true?
The perceived message is just a coincidence. Sorry about that. To set the record straight, here's our newest character, Mulecinea.
I was young and pretty once. But then I started smoking dope. I'd get hungry and eat tons of snack food. Especially Pringles. And look at me now!
And now in the name of equal time, a dissenting opinion, presented by Mr. Sancho Panza.
Ugly? I beg to differ. That babe is one donkey hottie!

 

by kaufman
5-23-02
Ok, "Mr. 666," you've done enough damage to Earth. I'm here to give you a good ass-whupping!
Hey, don't tread on me, man. Death to all governments. Freedom, yeah!
Huh? Aren't you responsible for all the human misery these past seven years?
No way, dude-on-stick! I'm just doing my own thing with a little civil disobediance.
Later:
Sorry, son, I thought the book said I should send down an ANARCHIST, not an antichrist.
Shit, Dad. Will you now PLEASE get some bifocals?

 

by kaufman
5-23-02
Ok, Mr. 666, you have done enough damage to Earth. I am here to give you a good ass-whupping!
Hey, don't tread on me, man. Death to all governments. Freedom, yeah!
Huh? Art thou not responsible for all the human misery these past seven years?
No way, dude-on-stick! I am just doing my own thing with a little civil disobedience.
Later:
Sorry, son, I thought the book said I should send down an ANARCHIST, not an antichrist.
Shit, Dad. Will you now PLEASE get some bifocals?

 

by kaufman
5-23-02
Ok, Mr. 666, you have done enough damage to Earth. I am here to give you a good ass-whupping!
Hey, no treading on me, man. Death to all governments. Freedom, yeah!
Huh? Art thou not responsible for all the human misery these past seven years?
No way, dude-on-stick! I am just doing my own thing with a little civil disobediance.
Sorry, son, I thought the book said I should send down an ANARCHIST, not an antichrist.
Shit! First you go to rent a monster movie and bring home BAZILLA, now this. Get the damn bifocals already!

 

by kaufman
5-23-02
Ok, Mr. 666, you have done enough damage to Earth. I am here to give you a good ass-whupping!
Hey, no treading on me, man. Death to all governments. Freedom, yeah!
Huh? Art thou not responsible for all the human misery these past seven years?
No way, dude-on-stick! I am just doing my own thing with a little civil disobedience.
Sorry, son. I thought the book said I should send down an ANARCHIST, not an antichrist.
Shit! First you go to rent a monster movie and bring home BAZILLA, now this. Get the damn bifocals already!

 

by kaufman
5-23-02
That was really boring. I wish I hadn't insisted on doing the White House tour.
I know. Everyone who comes here has to do it, though I try to talk them out of it. Let\'s walk over to the Vietnam Memorial. That will move you.
...HARE ... DUANE K. HEISER ... JAMES P. CASEY ... ALFONSO R. CASTRO ... THEODORE...
You're right, the Wall is moving, but it's way too depressing. Isn't there anything in Washington that's fun to see?
Why didn't you ask sooner. Let's head over to the Smithsonian Institution. You'll be hard pressed to find a better set of museums!
DOUGLAS F. MOORE ... WALTER R. STACY ... VAN J. JOYCE ... JAMES H. DUNN III ....

 

by kaufman
5-24-02
Hello, Pizza Hut delivery, how may I help you?
Hi, I would like a large pizza with sausage, mushrooms, motor oil and broken glass delivered to 719 Broadview Drive.
Okay, it will be $10.95. It should be there in 30 minutes.
Thanks.
Give me a large with sausage and mushrooms ... Hey Jason, I have another delivery run for you!

 

by kaufman
5-24-02
Whoa!

 

by kaufman
5-24-02
All right. Let`s see what email I got overnight.
Yeah, as if anyone wants to talk to you, loser. Well, actually, I do have some suggestions about how you can grow your penis to a decent size, and something about a cash deal in Nigeria.
Now to check over to stripcreator and enter the new contest ...
Oh right, as if your `highbrow` jokes will fail to go over the heads of this motley mob. Give it up and do some work!
And now to work. Artificial intelligence, here we come!
Machine intelligence? Yeah, right. What a hoot!

 

by kaufman
5-25-02
Oh damn, another blue screen of death. HEY JASON, could you come here and see if you can fix my computer?
Oh wow, you look really tense. Let me give you a bit of a rub here ... a crack here ... how's that?
Oooh yes! I'll give you 15,586,947,209 nanoseconds to stop that!
Thanks, Jason, my computer's now working better than it ever has. How can I possibly repay you? I'll do ANYTHING!
Anything? Welllll ... do you still have that half a PowerBar in your desk drawer?

 

by kaufman
5-26-02
So what are you going to do, General?
Well, if it's sunni, I'll pakistandard onslaught of missiles toward those Indos. Nesia Delhi nor Bombay will be unscathed. We'll see who's Saudi then.
You're looking forward to that?
Arabsolutely! It'll Mecca great sight. I Kuwait to see those Hindus sticking their Fez in their Karachis, kissing their Aswans goodbye.
Is that physically possible?
I Riyadh that it's not - unless they're Ramadancers, Oman, they'll be so Syriasly Korantorted, they'll need Cairopractors!

 

by kaufman
5-28-02
I am Phong Gnu!
I am Kau Chen!
...
...
Gesundheit!
Thank you.

 

by kaufman
5-28-02
Flore Walking Home...
Ohhhhh...I'm A Lesbian And I'm Proud!!!
Flore Meets A Homeless Man...
Hi... Are You Homeless Bum?
Be More Politically Correct... I'm Just Currently Without A Home, Job, I'm Blind.... Uh... Yeah I'm A Homeless Bum.
Fancy that. A real-live talking fish!

 

by kaufman
5-28-02
Mr.Heaven trifft uNnAmED
du hast gesündigt !
...
DU HAST WIRKLICH SCHLIMM GESÃœNDIGT !!!!!
...
Er, ok, let's try this one... ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!!!!
Ah, I see, so that explains why you've been rolling around in an acre of jelly.

 

by kaufman
5-28-02
FITE PUNCH KICK!
EEK!!
OOOFF
ow...
run aWAY!
I've got to hand it to you Sid. "Batman vs. Monty Python and the Holy Grail in Outer Space" pulled in $80 million for its opening weekend.
I keep telling you, people LOVE sequels in the summertime. Now can I have that advance for "Thelma, Louise and Encino Man go to Fargo"?

 

by kaufman
5-28-02
How about "The King of Peace"
I think it fits you good.
How about you? Which buttplug are you ordering?
I'm torn between "The Flaming, Broadsword of Hell" and "The Bloated, Tortured Soul of Damnation". Which do you think will be best for me?

 

by kaufman
5-29-02
Chop, chop, chop ,chop ....
My mama always told me, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you'll find inside.
TIMMMMBERRRR!!!!
Oooof.
I win. Pay up.
Here you go. But I still can't believe that if a tree fell on Forrest, he would make a sound.

 

by kaufman
5-29-02
Didn't you hear me, pardner? I said, DRAW!
Sorry, I'm drawin' as fast as I can.

 

by kaufman
5-29-02
Hey Bob, wanna see this new trick I learned?
Sure thing.
* Swivel! *
* BZOOOOOOOOOM! *
There you go. Half a mile deep!
See? Jesus attached the new Black & Decker Titanium drill bit to the base of his cross, and was able to bore this hole in no time.

 

by kaufman
5-29-02
So.. This zombie walks into a bar
he says to the bartender... so does anyone who works here have any brains
I kid you... everyone knows zombies aren't that articulate. What really happens is he shambles up to the bar and goes "NGURGKRGURGNRKLNGH", and Helen Keller's dog comes loping up to him.

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
Well, I woke up this morning ...
Felt like I should be dead ...
'Cause my baby left me for another man, I must be losing my head!

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
Well, I'm going down the road
Cop says you're under arrest.
So now I'm back in prison, feel like an altar boy being "blessed!"

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
And now that paperclip's telling me ...
It looks like you're sure to lose!
That's why I got them pink donkey, red robot, black background blues!

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
A guy came to my house, selling Jesus at my door ....
I bought myself half a dozen, now I feel like a five dollar whore.

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
I've got that sinking feeling ...
I am in utter pain ...
I feel like someone has taken a nail and driven it through my brain!

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
And once again that paperclip says,
It looks like you're sure to lose!
That's why I got them pink donkey, red robot, black background blues!
RAAAR! TIME FOR GUITAR SOLO!!!

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah ....
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah ...
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah ....
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah ...
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah ...
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wahwahwahwahwahwahwah!

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
Doctor says he's gonna help me, but I know he is a liar.
'Cause now whenever I take a drink,
I feel like I'm on fire!

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
I went to see a movie,
It was a total bomb!
I paid a woman to come home with me,
But it turned out to be my mom!

 

by kaufman
5-30-02
And that paperclip is still telling me,
It looks like you're sure to lose!
That's why I got them pink donkey, red robot, black background, big yellow narration box ... BLUES!

 

by kaufman
5-31-02
All right, men, this is what we've been playing for. We'll start with this formation: five defenders, four midfielders, one center.
But coach: that means we'll have ... zero wings!
All your base are belong to us.

 

by kaufman
5-31-02
May I borrow your TV to take to work with me today?
Depends, will any of your coworkers eat it again?
No, I'll watch it this time I promise.
Well, I guess you can use it then.
Doctor, my friends keep eating my tv. Should I be worried for their health?
Absolutely. You say they keep eating it over and over. That's classic binge and purge behavior. They really should try to keep it down.

 

by kaufman
6-03-02
RAAAR! ALPAY GRAB YOUR SHIRT!!!!
TWEEEEET!
Foul was in the area. Penalty kick.

 

by kaufman
6-03-02
I contain the answers to all your questions big or small. I can turn your dreams into reality.
Where do babies come from?
Baby Hut delivery. Here's your medium baby girl with science aptitude and extra hair.

 

by kaufman
6-03-02
For years, the Make A Wish Foundation has worked to make the dreams of terminally ill children come true.
We've taken them to Disney World, brought in their favorite celebrities, and so forth. But occasionally, we get some truly odd wishes.
Like this one from a cancer patient who wants to go to a karaoke bar and hear Drexle and lara7 do a "When a Man Loves a Woman" duet.

 

by kaufman
6-04-02
So the plan is to kidnap Brad. When we do so, what will we do with him?
I've got an idea. There's a plane leaving for Hartford in a few hours. Let's put him in the big yellow overhead compartment. No one will find him there.
Help! Help! Let me out of here! Can anybody hear me? Help! I've been kidnapped! Someone let me out! Help! Please! Anybody! Hello? Is anybody out there? Get me out of here!
Thank goodness you rescued me.
Rescue, schmescue. Didn't you see the Fasten Seat Belt sign go on? Please return to your seat right now.

 

by kaufman
6-05-02
Intentional disqualification
What's the matter with the Jews and the Arabs, don't you know that the statue's nude?
What's the fuss about us funding our parks, I'm taxed too much to buy more food!
Everywhere there are boxers who're grilling. Skaters hitting on chicks, and tight ends not killing.
We've got nude wakes, headaches,
Fat cats, Labatts ...
It's all Daily News to me.

 

by kaufman
6-05-02
So the plan's set. We kidnap Brad, lock him up till he's brainwashed into speaking nothing but Elizabethan English, ...
... and force him to sell our quality beauty products door to door. Yes! This will be marvelous!
You rang?
Verily, m'lady. Wouldst thou purchace this conditioner of follicle, quite inexpensive -- less than a penny a molecule?
Stripcreator falls apart; the comics seem to have been made by 100 monkeys sitting at keyboards.
Tobor, or not Tobor, that is the question! Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the stings and assrape of outrageous robots ...

Showing page 17.

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