All comics by RandomComicLayoutGuy

Profile

 

Oh, Ronnie... I've made a major mess of things!
Iraq has no WMD's, Mexicans are crawling over the border by the millions, and every-one hates me for letting the Arabs buy our ports...
And, on top of that, I can't get them goddamn rotor turbines to self-generate gravitons!
Will you shut the fuck up and let me REST IN PEACE?!

 

The only available table is next to the men's restroom...
I'll take it!
Are you sure? The toilet's backed up, and it smells like SHIT over there!
I don't care! I'm STARVING!!
I can see that!
Moh!

 

Shakespeare in love...
"Thou art a votary to fond desire!" - Two Gentlemen of Verona
"We that are true lovers run into strange capers!" - As You Like It
"Journeys end in lovers meeting!" - Twelfth Night
"The course of true love never did run smooth!" - A Midsummer Night's Dream
(Is it just me, or does the Asian girl look like a short Phoebe Cates?)
"I am a Jew... " - The Merchant of Venice
"OUT, DAMNED SPOT!!" - MacBeth

 

It was the BEST of times...
It was the WORST of times...
Well... Since we're in HELL, I'd have to say it's the WORST of times, dipshit!
Whatever!
If, I had arms, I'd strangle your ass!

 

Due to the fact that all the national guardsmen were over in Iraq...
...when Bush finally decided to protect the southern border against illegal immigration, all who left to guard it were a bunch of mice!
Surprisingly, this strategery actually cut the flow of people crossing the border by 51%, because all the female illegals were too afraid to go anywhere near the little buggers!

 

Hello? Is anyone here? I'd like to order some food!
HELLOOOOOOOO?!
Damn... I've REALLY got to pee!

 

Alas, poor Yorick...
...I knew him well!
I'm not dead.
GAH!!

 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
I'm home...
How goes it in the salt mines?
I'm in construction, dipshit!
Whatever, tiger!
Get a job, fuckface!

 

Blah!
I vant to SUCKY-SUCKY...
Hey!
That's MY line!

 

Oh, yeah!
Oh, YEAH!!
OH, YEEEEEEAAAHHH!!!
And, just what kind of "gravitons" are you gonna generate by playing POCKET-POOL?

 

Yes, Mr. TOBOR... I am your daughter's new BOYFRIEND!
You can keep covering up your eyes, but I am NOT going away!

 

Goddammit, man... You just zapped my NUTS!
What the hell did you do that for?
And. will you QUIT FUCKING HIGH-FIVING EVERYONE!!

 

Say, Tiki... What's on the ol' schedoolee for today?
GO FUCK YOURSELF!!
Okayyyy...
Got lubricant?

 

Everywhere I go...
...it's always the same...
Big brother's watching!

 

Hey, Othello...
Hi, Desdemona...
Y'know... I thought it was getting a little too politically correct around here when the administration forced us teachers to say the "N-word" instead of nigger...
But when they removed the letter "N" from our alphabet altogether to not be offensive, well they've gone too damn far!
I just LOVE Desdemona's perky, little CRACKER tits!

 

In today's ongoing episode of "Gabe Gets Nailed in the Nuts"...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
...Gabe comes in contact with an aggressive, Mexican snapping crab, sporting over-active pinchers...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
...and, well, you can pretty much guess what happened next!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ha, ha!

 

Well, Timmy...
It looks like you and I are ALONE on this desert island!
Wanna come see what's in my "bag of toys"?

 

When Gumby used Pokey as a guinea pig for his experimental teleporter, he forgot to check the telepod for bugs...
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
Tragically, while being beamed across the labratory room, Pokey's DNA mixed with that of an ordinary fly, creating a six-foot high, monstrous "horse-fly"...
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
...to which Gumby reacted accordingly!
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

 

EEEEEEEEEK! WHAT IN THE FUCKITY-FUCK DID YOU DO?
I cut the company midget, just like you asked me to!
I TOLD YOU TO CUT THE COMPANY BUDGET, YOU DUMBASS!!
Oh. Sorry.
SPEAK TO ME, BILLY!!

 

Let's...MOVE OUT!
Where we going today, boss?
Over to my ex-wife's to do some "cost cutting"?
Cost cutting?
As in... NO MORE FUCKING ALIMONY!!
Can we stop by on the way back, and pay a "visit" to that dickhead Nezumi?

 

Hi... My name is Captain Cleanliness, and this is my sidekick, Robby Rebel!
How do!
We're hear in this public toilet to make sure people wash their hands after taking a dump! And, if they don't...
...I shove this 14" bayonet up their ASSES!
Fourteen-inch? Uh, gee... I think I forgot to wash my hands earlier! (hint, hint)
Fag!

 

The following actually happened...
I'm hungry!
Of course, you are, pussy! You just threw up the food I fed you not more than fifteen minutes ago!
So?
So, you ralphed over my $500 Treo and shorted it out!
Then, I guess you're not going to be too happy about me taking a dump on your new, $700 duvet cover!
WHAT?? That's it! I'm having the vet "fix" you again, and this time I'll tell him NOT to use anesthesia!!

 

My dog has no nose...
How does is smell?
Bloody AWFUL!
My ex-girlfriend's vagina also has no nose..

 

What's with all the noise outside?
Zombies.
Zombies?
New background.
Oh.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 

I don't get it...
This is a brand new home, yet the walls smell of URINE!
I hope there's not a bunch of RATS living behind the sheetrock...
Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!

 

Next on TNT... Yet, ANOTHER episode of "Law & Order"...
Oh, Jesus...
I just HATE this lame-ass program!
If, I had arms, I'd toss a fucking brick through the goddamn TV screen!

 

It's bad enough that I'm 250,000 miles from home...
...constantly worried that I'll either run out of food or oxygen, or both, before the next supply shuttle comes...
But, having this GODDAMNED, GIANT SNAIL STARING AT ME ALL FUCKING DAY IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!

 

Y'know...
You and I have a lot in common...
We do? Like what?
Well, for starters... We both scatter when someone turns on the light!
Snap!

 

"Who did you bring in for 'Show & Tell', Jon?"
I brought in my uncle Harry, who is homeless. He's here to tell us how to NOT become homeless!
DON'T DO DRUGS!!
Thanks, Uncle Har-
And, no matter how much money you're offered... DON'T DO GAY PORN!!
Okayyyy...

 

(This viniette represents my relationship with my 21 year-old girlfriend...)
Hmmpf!
What wrong, Charlie?
I don't think I like the way our relationship is progressing...
But, I come over twice a week and sucky-fucky your brains out!
I guess most guys my age would LOVE having a cute, Asian girl bone him on a bi-weekly basis, but I'm looking for something more substantial!
Is this guy a FAG or what??

 

So, I says-
CRACK!
Yeeeee-OUCH! What the FUCK are you doing?
You must submit to Madame Penguin!
CRACK!!
KNOCK IT OFF, CUNT!!
Ha, ha!

 

(A take-off on an old joke...)
Dude... What ARE you doing?
Looking for my car keys...
Why?
So, we can drive out!
Daaaaammnn! This is one HUGE vagina!

 

I see you got my forwarding address...
Yes.
Hope you found the place okay...
No problemo! It has its own ZIP code...
Really..? WOW! This sure is one HUUUUUGE vagina!
And STINKY, too!

 

Hey, Pete... (Arrghh!) Did you hear about that sick bastard in San Diego who was using brain-damaged children to make PORNOS?
No, I didn't... That's HORRIBLE!
Do you wanna know what the WORST part is?
What could possibly be any worse than that?
Those little retards kept forgetting their lines! AAARRRGGGHH!!

 

If, a tree fell in the forest and landed on Gabe's nuts...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
...but no one was there to hear him...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
...would he make a sound?
Ow! Ow! Ow!

 

I'm sorry, Gumby.
...AAAAAAAAAAAA...
Me and Pokey were discussing religion, and he said I was a MORON for believing in Scientology...
...AAAAAAAAAAAA...
...so, I stabbed him!
...AAAAAAAAAAAA...

 

You may be wondering why Baconman here is crying... Well, I bet him 1000 bucks I was hung better than a black man. He took the bet, and laughed...
*sob*
Then, I showed him...
*sob*
Pay up, bitch!
WAAAAAAAHHH!!

 

"Dear Stickboy. By now you should have recieved the Great Dane puppy I sent you..."
"I saw him in a store window six months ago, and he was so adorable, I just had to buy him and take him home..."
"Unfortunately, after many weeks of trying, I was never able to house-break him. That's why I'm giving him to you. Make sure you keep plenty of Febreze on hand, as you're gonna need it! Love, Mom."
Shit!

 

Not taking his new girlfriend's word for it, Jon decided to check out her vagina himself...
...and just as he supected...
...he found CRABS!
Dude... This vagina is HUUUUUUUUGE!

 

...and over there is a five-car garage...
...and there's an olympic-size pool behind that. The schools in the area are top-
Uh, excuse me... Do you think the owners will let me use their bathroom? I really got to pee!
God, I hope that was your finger you just used to tap me on the shoulder, Shaq...

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Hmmm...
Is THAT what I think it is? All over the CAT?
Based on her reaction...
What the FUCK?!
...it appears that my new, novelty "Peter North's Fake Cumshot-in-a-Can" may be the next, big FAD!

 

Y'know, Smelty... The whole spirit of "Habitat For Humanity" is that you help build your own home...
...NOT just sitting there and watching!
I am NOT just sitting here! I'm supervising those three wetbacks I picked up in the parking lot of Home Depot, dipshit...
Well... At least, he didn't give his normal, lame-ass, "I have no arms" excuse!

 

TOBOR TIRED OF CARRYING THE FINANCIAL LOAD AROUND HERE ALL BY HIMSELF! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET JOB?
Soon...
SOON?! YOU BEEN SAYING THAT FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS! TOBOR SO MAD, HE WILL MOUTH-CORNHOLE YOU NOW!!
Hey... Show me some respect! I used to be SOMEBODY!
OH, RIGHT! THAT WAS WAY BACK IN THE EIGHTIES -WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND CUTE!
Yeah? Well if my idea for "Garbage Pail Adults" hits, it's going to be FAT CITY! AGAIN! Now, do me a favor, and GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

 

Hey, Jamalia... I heard your husband was murdered last night, so I came right over!
Thanks, Neo.
I've never noticed them before, but you have some nice titties!
Well, that was TOTALLY inappropriate, you sick bastard!
Wanna screw?
Sure.

 

Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hmmm... I told the doctor that Gabe got bit by a rattlesnake...
I can't believe that fucking snake bit me right on my NUTS!
...and he said that I have to SUCK out all the venom, or Gabe's going to die!
You called the doctor, right? What did he say?
He said your going to DIE!

 

Well... They're carting the stiff off in the ol' meat wagon...
Ha, ha! I get it...
Get what?
You said "stiff" and "meat" in the same sentence!
Just drink your coffee and shut the fuck up, okay?
Whatever, dude... [*sluuurrrrrp*]

 

That should just about do it...
Now, maybe I can surf for porn on the net without dad walking in on me!
[jiggle, jiggle] "Butch? You in there?" [knock, knock] "Why won't your door open? [JIGGLE, JIGGLE] What the fuck are you doing in there?" [POUND, POUND!] "BUTCH!!!!"
Damn! Check out the milk-bags on that whore-hound!

 

Huh? [scratch, scratch] Did I really say that?
Did I really say, "Come and get it 'fore we throw it to the HOGS"?
Yes!
Why would I say something as STOOPID as that? Ah, sheet...mah head hurts!

 

Uhhh...
...Gumby?
(Moments just before yet another, horrific Pokey calamity...)
?
I don't think Pokey should be taunting those Amish teens like that...

 

RAWR!
Hey, Son!
"Yes, Dad?"
BOOGA! BOOGA!
Grab the soldering iron and your sister's eye liner, and bring it in here...
"Sure, Dad! What's going on?"
ECKY! ECKY! ECKY!
One of the zombies from outside somehow got his head stuck in the door, and I thought we'd have a little FUN!

Showing page 19.

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