All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
11-13-04
GOT YOU AT LAST!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEKK!!!
EEE!!! Oh my god! What a terrible nightmare!
Honey! What is it?!
It was awful... in my dream... I... I had a mullet!
Oh my God! Hold me!

 

by Scyess
11-13-04
"Before we begin the hearings to confirm your seat on the Supreme Court..."
...yes...?
"...is this you banging my daughter in Ugly College Girls Suck Off Men with Three Testicles?"
...uh...
"...because if she doesn't come at least twice, you'll have to answer to Ginsberg."
Perhaps you have a janitorial position open?

 

by Scyess
11-13-04
I'll just go and get her.
I don't know... I'm a little nervous about this arranged marriage.
What if she's mean? Or sterile? Or can't cook?
Hi!
Oh, great. She's hideous.

 

by Scyess
11-18-04
I met a guy I kind of like, Samantha. I don't quite know what to do...
Well, do what I do. Be subtile. Tease a little. Cut his legs off at the knees and drip acid into his eyeballs so he can't see who you are.
I guess it's worth a shot.
Make sure not to cut above the knees or his legs will have a hard time regenerating.

 

by Scyess
11-18-04
This is kind of hard for me to say, but... I... kind of like you.
Thanks, girlie, but I'm not into pedophilia.
Jerk! HAAAIIIYYAAA!!!
GAAAAAHH!
Now I'm really not into pedophilia.
Woah, there... did someone say "pedophilia?"

 

by Scyess
11-18-04
Can I get a little help here?
Woah. What happened to you?
One moment this little girl was saying she liked me, the next she was trying to rip my legs off.
Well, I hope you've learned a valueable lesson about hitting on little girls.
What?!
Damn amateurs. He's not even wearing shin guards.

 

by Scyess
11-18-04
You know that guy I had a crush on?
Yeah?
Well, I crushed him.
Nice! Now reel him in.
Should I make my big move now, or after he's healed?

 

by Scyess
11-21-04
I'm hungry. You want something to eat?
In the desert / I saw a creature, naked, bestial, / Who, squatting on the ground, / Held his heart in his hands, / And ate of it.
I said, “Is it good, friend?” / “It is bitter -- bitter,” he answered; / “But I like it / Because it is bitter, / And because it is my heart."
So, Korean food, then?

 

by Scyess
11-24-04
I tried to call you last night. Where were you?
I was at a nightly ritual ceremony.
A man in ceremonial garb came out with mutilated animal parts. He began to scald them and defile them with a sharp knife!
Then he splattered them with a potion made of the traditional roots and plants and, just before they were beyond recognition, he put them in front of us to be messily devoured!
You ate dinner at a Japanese steakhouse?
Ya. I had the "surf 'n' turf."

 

by Scyess
11-24-04
Why can't people settle their differences through dialog and understanding, instead of resorting to violence?
What the hell do you know? HAAIIYYYYYYA!
GACHK!
You know, in a way, I think she answered my question.
Do you have medical insurance for emergency treatment, or will I have to beat payment out of you?

 

by Scyess
11-25-04
I knew this guy who got engaged to a girl he met online. But what he didn't know is his "girlfriend" was really his thirteen-year-old son.
When the son found out his suitor was his own dad, he freaked out. He didn't want to break his dad's heart, so he had to keep up the charade.
Certainly, at some point, he had to find out.
Not until after the honeymoon.

 

by Scyess
11-25-04
DAMMIT! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET SOME DAMNED HAM AND EGGS AROUND HERE!?!
We're going as fast as we can. See how quickly YOU can cut off and fry your own leg.
And with that, I think I'll just be going...
Wait! Don't go! We need the work!

 

by Scyess
11-27-04
How can you sleep at night, selling your own children to be eaten for profit?!
Oh, let's see... hm...
I can spend every waking moment of the best years of my life in servitude to some cretinous little imbiciles, or I can have a Lexus and a weekly full-body massage. Tough choice.
You are the very picture of motherhood.
Can you imagine what children could do to the upholstry in a Lexus? Now that thought can me up nights.

 

by Scyess
11-27-04
Ham 'n' eggs, order up!
Er, actually, I changed my mind... I was just leaving...
YOU APHID-FUCKING BAG OF DISEASED RHINO PISS! I LOST A LIMB FOR YOU, AND YOU'D BETTER FUCKING SAVOR EVERY LAST FUCKING BITE LIKE IT'S A MEAL FOR THE KING OF FUCKING SWEDEN!!!
Okay, okay, I... wait a minute... I said to hold the onions. I'm allergic. Could I get my order redone?
Well, shit.

 

by Scyess
11-30-04
Christmas is coming. Would you like to go shopping at the mall?
Ha! I'd rather peel away my eyeballs with a cheese slicer.
I thought you'd say that. I happen to have one right here.
This really hurts, you know!
Technically, I never said you had to choose one or the other.

 

by Scyess
12-03-04
What's that you're reading?
Oh, I'm reading Little Women.
You've been reduced to reading Alcott novels for little girls?
Oh, no. This is Snow White ][: Little Women. With Snow White away, the dwarves look for female companionship elsewhere.
So you're not reading children's literature. You're reading dwarf porn.
In this chapter, the dwarves get into trouble by greeting all their dates "Hi, ho!"

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
So what will I be doing in this job?
You know those decorative pillows people put on their beds during the day, but then take off at night when they sleep?
You mean the ones that serve absolutely no purpose?
We don't think of it that way. We think of them as having the very important purpose of taking up space.
Oh, okay. So will I be making those?
No. Let's just say you can think of this company as a huge bed...

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
There are forty thousand people in this branch of our company alone. By the time any work gets down to our level, it's either outdated, already done, or so convoluted that we have to send it back.
Without hope of accomplishing anything, the best I can do is hire unqualified, underpaid people like you and claim I'm saving the company money, while keeping up my headcount quotas.
So when I saw "takes up space" on your résumé, naturally I gave you a call.
I prefer to think of myself as a "Lacunar Engineer."

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
Welcome to your first day on the job. Your desk is over there. Always remember our motto: "For God's sake, don't do any work."
Great! If you need me, I'll be on the Internet.
Yeah, about that...
Ha! They said I could never get into heaven!
We don't have Interent access. You also won't get a phone, a chair with wheels, or a window. And don't let me catch you talking to your coworkers, either.
... and they were right.

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
You don't mind that your job is to sit in a box and do nothing?
Nope! I'm fine with that.
Give me that magazine! And no stereos allowed!
No problem.
...and I'll just be taking that Gameboy.
YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE MY ARM WITH IT, YOU CRUEL, HEARTLESS BASTARD!

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
I thought I'd put this little picture of my roommate in my cubicle.
I know company policy is to reduce clutter, but you know, it's a small picture -- no frame or anything, so I figured it'll be okay.
Don't make me get the box of rabid badgers.
No! I'll be good!

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
You'll have to come into work this weekend.
...but I don't even do anything during the week...
I guess you're not doing nothing fast enough.
Just so you know, I would pitch you such a rant if I had a life outside of work.

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
Hi, I'm your new team leader. I have the IQ of salad, so I'm going to stop by every five minutes to have you explain very simple things to me at an even simpler level.
Then you'll have to write reports on these things for me that I won't understand and no one else will ever read. Then --
DAMMIT, SCYESS! JUST BECAUSE YOUR JOB SUCKS DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME!
Sorry. If it's any consolation, my job is worse than this.
Christ, sometimes it's like I have to write these comics myself.

 

by Scyess
12-04-04
*SLAM*
Jon! I don't believe it! It was an absolutely perfect night!
The mood was romantic. The setting was fantastic. The food was exquisite, and my date was gorgeous. It was one of those nights where everything was right. You know?
One time the girl at Burger King nearly touched my hand when she gave me my fries.
No, I guess you wouldn't know, would you?

 

by Scyess
12-06-04
Aha! Jon! I've caught you at last! I'm gonna rip your head off and use it for a teather ball.
Oh, crap. This guy again.
What're you doing? Is that a cannon? Do you actually think I'll let myself be hit by a cannon? HAHAHAHAHA!!!
If it makes you feel any better, it was technically the ammunition that hit you, not the cannon itself.
Whatever it is, just remove it from my pancreas.

 

by Scyess
12-06-04
Hey, Cowdjinn. Why the long face?
I miss Bova. Years ago I let her walk out on me. I didn't say a word. But now I'm starting to realize she was probably the love of my life.
I didn't realize it then, but the ache has been gnawing slowly at me. Sometimes I think it's only the lonliness getting to me, but I desire her so passionately I know it must be her... yet she's gone.
Cowdjinn... I... I had no idea...
Either that or I'm upset they moved Gilligan's Island back to Tuesdays. I forget which.

 

by Scyess
12-06-04
Jon... you'll never guess what I found out after I brought up Cowdjinn's long face?
You found out he hates that pun?
No...
You found out he's been pink on the outside but blue on the inside?
You don't seem to be taking this too seriously.
Apparently you haven't found out that he only has one facial expression.

 

by Scyess
12-06-04
*bleep!* *ching* *squirp* *squirp* yatta!!!
My God... I just realized that I've spent 142 of the last 168 hours playing a video game from 1986.
What are you doing?! You can't stop now! You're about to level up! Are you crazy, man??!?
*ching* *ching* *bleep!* yatta!!!

 

by Scyess
12-06-04
Because Channel 3 cares, we have given up advertisement revenue to air the following public service announcment.
Stayinschoo-
This community message was selflessly brought to you by American Mortgage, Big Lou's Dodge and Nissan, Mont Blanc, Kraft Cheezlets®, Goodyear Tires, and the Dow Chemical Corporation.

 

by Scyess
12-07-04
I like a man with smoldering eyes.
UUNNNNNGHHH...
...but that may be a little much.
I swear. There's no pleasing you women.

 

by Scyess
12-09-04
Before we begin the test, I need to ask you a few questions. When was your last sexual encounter?
About five minutes ago with some chick I met in the waiting room.
You had a quickie with a stranger you met in the lobby of an AIDS testing clinic?
Grab life by the balls, that's what I always say.
Well, the good news is you can probably save a few bucks on your tests...
What about you? You wanna get naked or what?

 

by Scyess
12-12-04
How was your dance class?
It was great! I was all like...
♫ SHE'S A MANIAC! ♫MANIAC♫ ON THE FLOOR! ♫
♫ AND SHE'S DANCIN' LIKE SHE'S NEVER DANCED BEFORE!!! ♫
I've never seen the waltz done quite that way.
Yeah. They kicked me out halfway through my acapella air guitar solo.

 

by Scyess
12-12-04
Excuse me.
Yes?
♫ SHE'S A MANIAC! ♫MANIAC♫ ON THE FLOOR! ♫
♫ AND SHE'S DANCIN' LIKE SHE'S NEVER DANCED BEFORE!!! ♫
I think I wasted 30 bucks on those dance classes.
But I thought women love a guy who can dance?

 

by Scyess
12-13-04
Did I hear you're taking dance classes?
Oh, yeah. Check it out. ♫ SHE'S A MANIAC! ♫ MAAAAAANI-
Jesus! HAAAAIIYA!
-ACK!
That settles it. It is definitely a myth that women love a guy who can dance.
Nevertheless, I'd like to compliment you on your appropriate choice for lyrics.

 

by Scyess
12-14-04
Can I help you?
I'll have the #3 combo.
It was a yes/no question. Christ, this must be the slow class.
I changed my mind. Just bring me something sharp.

 

by Scyess
12-16-04
Is this your family portrait?
Yep.
You have your dad's eyes.
DAMMIT, JON! I INVITED YOU OVER, BUT STAY OUTTA MY STUFF!
I mean... uh... your eyes look like your dad's...
Oh, yeah. That. I also have my granma's cheeks.

 

by Scyess
12-16-04
I think it's very possible for the country to keep spending 30x its income and still remain solvent in the long run.
**KNOCK KNOCK**
Hi. I'm here to make a delivery.
Too late.

 

by Scyess
12-16-04
Well, helloooooooo there honey. What say you and I go somewhere and do what comes naturally?
If you insist.
**CHOMP!** **CRUNCH!**
Why is there a half-eaten cow jammed into our garbage disposal?
Nature works in mysterious ways.

 

by Scyess
12-16-04
We need to get rid of the bull corpse you left in the kitchen.
But I'm not done. I haven't even gotten to the filet yet.
**KNOCK KNOCK**
What if someone comes looking for it?
Who would come looking for a bull?
Oh.
Pardon me, but...

 

by Scyess
12-16-04
I'm sorry your bull is gone. Maybe I can be a substitue?
What?! No! I need a BULL! Something dangerous! Where's the danger in a vaguely cow-like pink marshmallow?!
**CHOMP!** **CRUNCH!**
Hey? Where's that matador?
At a (**burp**) humility lesson.

 

by Scyess
12-16-04
Hey, boss. I have a question about my timesheet.
Shoot.
Slept three hours late today, but I didn't accomplish any less than if I'd actually been here. How should I report my time?
Record it as "Christmas" and make sure you show up here on the 25th.
Uh, Christmas is on a Saturday this year.
And that's important... why?

 

by Scyess
12-20-04
I'm a mall Santa for one month a year, but I'm looking for some way to use my skills the rest of the time.
Hhmm... let's see...
You pretend you're someone you're not... You lie to people who are too naïve, misinformed, or stupid to know better... You make a mockery of a sacred institution...
Please don't suggest I run for office. Everyone suggests that.
Oh. How about an appointed post, then?

 

by Scyess
12-21-04
Can't we just agree to disagree?
But I wasn't disagreeing with you.
STOP BREACHING OUR AGREEMENT!

 

by Scyess
12-21-04
I have to buy a $50 wedding gift for my friend. Can you help me look through the registry?
I know! How about sending her $50?
You can't do that. You have to pick something off their pre-chosen list.
Wouldn't it've be easier for them to have everyone give them money, and then go pick out gifts?
That would seem kind of impersonal.
It's more personal to pick something off their list?

 

by Scyess
12-22-04
The one good thing about living with you is that I have a man around to help me open jars.
Let me give that a shot.
UUNNNNGGGHHHHH!
If you don't use your hands instead of your butt cheeks, I might have to withdraw that "one good thing" comment.
Can I still grunt and make the constipation face?

 

by Scyess
12-23-04
When's the last time you cleaned out the basement?
I don't know. I'll go look.
What?
I think it's been a while.
I'd help you out, but it ate my dust mop.

 

by Scyess
12-23-04
I'm thinking about getting back on the dating scene.
"Back"? I didn't know you were ever on the dating scene to begin with.
Can you be on the dating scene without ever having had any actual dates?
I guess I don't mean "dating scene" so much as "increasing my desperate longing for women."

 

by Scyess
12-23-04
Tataki... I'm beginning to fear I may never know the pleasures of physical love.
But you WILL be able to know the pleasures of physical humor! HAAIIYYAAA!!
AWK!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Somehow, it just doesn't seem the same.

 

by Scyess
12-24-04
Tataki... I'm beginning to fear I may never know the pleasures of physical love.
But you WILL be able to know the pleasures of physical humor! HAAAIII...
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Somehow, it just doesn't seem the same.
Unfortunately, it kind of is.
I was afraid of that.

 

by Scyess
12-27-04
My goal is to work to reduce world pollution by 20% across the board by the year 2050.
Wow. That will take a lot of work.
Really? Er, maybe I'll just start a community recycling program.
I'm afraid that will also take effort on your part.
Okay, how about I support plant health by converting oxygen to carbon dioxide?
You do that. If you need me, I'll just be nominating you for Sierra Club Man of the Year award.

Showing page 19.

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