All comics by Aylear

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by Aylear
4-07-09
I felt creative, so I painted the back wall of your room. It's a portal to another dimension. How do you like it?
* T h u m p ! *
Man, it took forever to find this poster, but damn if that wasn't cool.

 

by Aylear
4-07-09
 33 CE
    OPPOSITE          OVER         HYPOTENUSE!   
 2009 AD
Today we commemorate Jesus Christ, who died for our sines.

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
Would you like some lasagna, Garfield?
Yes, Jon. Meow.
Sigh. Taking up taxidermy since Garfield died didn't really help my depression.

 

What The Fuck by Random Comic Layout                
by Aylear, 4-09-09

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
Oh, here we go. Books on astrobiology, astrophysics, space travel... these should give me a great starting point.
How about Fundamentals of Space Biology?
Why do you keep all these books down here in the basement, anyway?
A lot of these are books on hard science. I consider them to be like the Necronomicon: Writings which mundane people are too stupid to possess safely.
That explains the Qur'an.

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
Alright. Need more books for research. Books for--
What the hell am I doing here? I have the internet.

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
There's some really rare books down here, stuff you can't find on the internet. Old, forgotten books on science, religion, fiction, the occult...
!
Welp, I'll see you later. I have a children's book reading appointment.
Muhammad and his Haunted Penis: The Illustrated Novel by C. Bailey.
Yaaaay! Pictures!

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
I'm not scared of you! My friend Thorvald and I will beat the ugly out of you!
Oh yeah, dipshit?
He can turn into a vacant chair at will.

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
Meanwhile, at Plotting-To-Conquer-The-World Ltd., genius supervillain Professor Doesn't-Consider-The-Repercussions-Of-Publicity wonders at his string of bad luck with police raids.

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
Meanwhile, genius supervillain Dr. Needlessly-Sacrifices-Henchmen teams up with Dr. Resurrection to form an unstoppable crime syndicate.

 

by Aylear
4-09-09
In all seriousness, I think it'd be cool as hell to prove P equals NP. I couldn't spend my entire life trying to solve the unsolvable, though.
Yeah, don't. It's highly unlikely that P does equal NP, anyway. If anything you'd probably end up proving the opposite.
Yeah, that sucks. I was hoping to use P equals NP algorithms to beat your high score in Minesweeper.
P versus NP can't compete with forty seconds of epic performance.
That's what she said!

 

by Aylear
4-10-09
You know, people joke about the Hippocratic Oath a lot - consider the hackneyed hypocratic oath joke - but they neglect the best part altogether.
What part would that be?
That the original Hippocratic Oath is an oath swearing by Apollo, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and taking to witness "All the gods and goddesses."
What's so great about that?
I think I've found the real reason antiabortionist Christians are killing doctors.
This is why I can't be seen in public with you.

 

by Aylear
4-15-09
Aerodynamic Space Fighter suddenly bursts into flame and hurtles towards the lunar surface! The impact will stagger the colonies, the implications threatening the survival of mankind...
George Lucas presents: MOONFIRE

 

by Aylear
4-16-09
The killer left us two ciphers. Can you take a look?
Sure. This one says "I'm a douchebag killer who likes to dress up in women's clothes and dance around to Aqua's Barbie Girl."
You didn't even look at the paper.
I never let the details get in the way.

 

by Aylear
4-16-09
These ciphers the killer left you are just a copy of Richard Feynman's Challenge Ciphers.
Great, so can you break them?
Sure. It says the killer is too stupid to make his own ciphers.
A BREAKTHROUGH!

 

by Aylear
4-16-09
Ah, officer Brady. What can I do for you?
The killer left another cipher. Take a look.
Oh, this one's easy.
What does it say?
Colonel Mustard, in the Library, with the Knife.

 

by Aylear
4-16-09
Another cipher, Officer Brady?
The killer's fourth. Here, what do you make of this?
Hmm...
Deciphered it says, is awoff ic erbra dyh um ptheneig hbou rsdog... So, 'I saw... officer... Brady hump the--'
Okay then thanks for your help.

 

by Aylear
4-18-09
My quest to understand you humans has made me discover music.
Oh, really?
♫ Hm-hm-hmm... You just died in my arms tonight /7 It must have been something you ate... ♫
Uhhh...
Only you keep getting the words wrong for some reason.
Uhhh...

 

by Aylear
4-18-09
Do you ever think about death?
Of course. Dwelling on death is ever the consequence of mortality.
Well, when you die, your body shuts down, all your biological functions terminate, and your body slowly decomposes until nothing remains.
Right.
So why are people worried about resale value?

 

by Aylear
4-18-09
You transients live a finite life in an infinite universe.
Why do you cling to fashion, customs and morals - concepts as fleeting and insubstantial as yourselves - rather than revere the unending?
Oh, Apod, of course hoods and cloaks are timeless.
...it'd just be nice to hear that every once in a while...

 

by Aylear
4-18-09
We have a hard time grasping the unending.
We say the galaxy has "a hundred billion stars." Yet, looking up at the night sky - knowing what we're seeing, knowing we're glimpsing worlds innumerable - doesn't inspire awe?
Like Terry Pratchett's trolls counting "one, two, many, lots", we correlate tiny numbers onto infinite vastness to make it more understandable.
The internet? Even the vast quantity of information available to us is useless if all we do is sit there dumbly refreshing forums every two minutes hoping someone's admired us for our obvious insight.
Until our brains evolve sufficiently to let us view the world in a more all-encompassing way, I'll waive my right to brandish my opinions or flaunt my often erroneous ideas.
In the meantime, you'll forgive me if I don't care about your fucking cocks.

 

by Aylear
4-18-09
Excuse me, miss? As you can see from this paper, I have modified the absolute magnitude system to measure the 'luminosity' of women instead of celestial objects.
I also used game theory to calculate my odds of ever having sex with you.
On a luminosity scale from one to minus thirty, you're at approximately quasar, and I'm going home to masturbate furiously.

 

by Aylear
4-19-09
I recently performed a physics experiment.
How'd that go?
Pretty good. The plane crashed right on cue.

 

by Aylear
4-19-09
How's your brother doing?
Dean? His life's about to get pretty interesting.
Interesting how?
You know how I'm the anthropomorphic personification of death because enough people imagined it?
I kill a kitten every time they what?

 

by Aylear
4-20-09
I've been learning to speak Lojban.
What's wrong with English?
You think any communications with an alien species will be conducted in the most ambiguous language in the world?
We'd impress upon them the importance of humanitarianism and they'd diplomatically eat everybody.

 

by Aylear
4-28-09
Masochism.
Hit me, baby, one more time.
Accepted. Your turn.
Necrophilia.
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
Man, Euphemistic Associations is a weird-ass game.

 

by Aylear
4-28-09
My class was planning a get-together. We were going to play Trivial Pursuit, get to know each other better and just have some fun. I was really getting into the idea.
But when they realised I'd be present, they cancelled it. It was very disappointing to get that kind of treatment from my own students.
I gave them their final exams today. Guess where I got my questions from.
Let that be a lesson to anyone who doesn't want to play Trivial Pursuit against an abusive academic with a photographic memory.

 

by Aylear
4-28-09
A NASA satellite just spotted the oldest and most distant cosmic explosion ever seen. A star dying at a time when the age of the universe was only 630 million years.
Apparently, the gamma-ray burst lasted for 10 seconds.
Speaking of brief bursts of energy, how's your boyfriend?
He misses you a lot.

 

by Aylear
4-28-09
Often, the most romantic gesture a person can make is to immortalize the other person in some way. To passionately carve a name into bark, to lovingly trace your fingers across wet cement.
But trees die. Cement cracks. And, eventually, everything in the universe will come to a final, inescapable end. Therefore, any attempt to immortalize love is ultimately futile.
Happy Valentine's Day.

 

by Aylear
4-28-09
What are you doing in a bar? You're not dating anyone.
It just so happens that I am. I've been dating this deeply secretive and mysterious lady.
No way!
Way. But boy, was I surprised when I found out the toothless old woman is over 100 years old.
Wait, what?
Carbon dating doesn't count?

 

by Aylear
4-28-09
I'm making a search engine for ASCII art.
How does it know what to look for?
It checks tags against a vast database. I manually scoured the internet for weeks looking for ASCII art, grabbing strings of characters from each one, manually adding each entry and tagging them.
I only see hundreds of ASCII pictures of topless women. Where's the search engine?
What search engine?

 

by Aylear
4-28-09
Welcome aboard the Ministry of Defence mister, er, Zorg. Turn up at the security desk Monday and we'll get you your uniform.
Any questions?
About that Halo application on your computer...
So how'd the interview go?
Shut up.

 

by Aylear
5-05-09
Knock, knock!
What's the password?

 

by Aylear
5-05-09
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Bin Laden.
Bin Laden who?
Saddam Hussein.

 

by Aylear
5-05-09
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
The.
The who?
♫ Teenage        wasteland! ♫

 

by Aylear
5-05-09
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
The illuminati.
The illuminati who?
Wow. They're good.

 

by Aylear
5-05-09
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
God.
God who?
Son of a bitch.

 

How do you waste a moron's time? Press F5 to read the answer.
by Aylear, 5-05-09

 

by Aylear
5-05-09
There is an indomitable link between us. The atom in front of your eyes is connected to atoms connected to more atoms, all of which are invariably connected to every other atom in the known universe.
Were you to reach out and affect this atom, alter its path with a gentle caress, that caress would cascade throughout the universe, its resonance perfect. Your every move is sensed by distant stars.
The atom next to it leads to my penis.

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