All comics by Captain_Satellite

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RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Wait! Does all this wanton man-rape make you happy? Does it leave you fulfilled?
Er...what?
Ha! My cunning plan to avoid a mechanized man-mining is working!
SOON TOBOR'S CORNHOLER WILL LEAVE YOU "FULL-FILLED"!
Then again...

 

The Delphi Squirrels are back to wreak more havoc on internet forums!
...And then, let's make sure forums show as unread even though there are no new messages!
*chuckle* Yeah!
Also, let's delete the active member list and say it was part of a bug fix!
*chortle* Right!
Why do we do this again?
No better place to find nuts than internet forums!

 

Riotmoon said I could...
Oh no! That evil scientist Hands Jerkoff has zapped me with his Deus Ex Machina Beam!
By sheer chance, he has called forth multiple versions of me from different planes of reality!
Time to meet and greet the counterparts!
I'm the Time Biscuit Man from Earth 3, where everything is opposite!
I'm the Time Biscuit Man from the double, DOUBLE future!
Ummm...this may take a while to sort out....
You know, on MY world, I don't even LIKE sheep!
BLASPHEMY!

 

Ring, damnit, ring!
NO!
Wh-wha--??
You heard me, that important call is never going to come! Why not just go crawl into the fetal position on your bed?
Great, even the phone is a smartass now.
Maybe your phone service isn't working? Maybe that's why I won't ring? MUHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Well, let me check my e-mail account.
You have 0 new messages.
*sigh*
...loser.
This has all the makings of a very long day.
Let me repeat that : YOU HAVE 0 NEW MESSAGES!

 

DUCK SEASON!
WABBIT SEASON!
DUCK SEASON!
WABBIT SEASON!
CORNHOLING SEASON!
Oh crap!

 

Oh wow! I finally got some feedback on my comics!
"Your comics blow and so do you!"
This is news?

 

Man, life sucks!
Are you down, Cap? Here, I've got a URL that will cheer you up!
Great! Thanks!
Heh. It's a site that combines naked women with Japanese monsters!
AIIIEEEE!!!! My eyes! They burn!
Mission accomplished.

 

Geez, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had made different choices.
Wh-who are you?
I am an angel, here to show you one of the paths your life MIGHT have taken!
Dude, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE is under copyright again.
Shut up.

 

So, you're going to show me an alternate version of my life?
That's right, my friend. You will see what might have transpired if you had done things differently.
Uh, OK. Where do we begin?
We begin by looking into your past at a critical moment in your life.
M-m-m-my past? Can't we use someone else's past instead?
Rules are rules.

 

Oh man, I have to look back into my past? But it's filled with humiliation!
It's the only way, my friend.
*sigh* What's the "critical moment"?
I think you know that answer already.
NOOOOO!!! Not "the bridge"!
See? You're not as dense as you pretend to be.

 

Please don't make me watch this! It's the stupidest thing I've ever done!
It's also one of the moments that has defined your life.
10 years ago - a footbridge across Contraband Bayou
Tell her you're attracted to her. Tell her how you feel. TELL HER!
Well, it was great talking to you again, but I have to go back to student teaching now! Bye!
I'm never going to see you again, am I?

 

Yeah, it's true. I was too afraid of rejection to tell her how I felt and I never saw her again.
Now we'll see things happen a bit differently.
10 years ago - a footbridge across Contraband Bayou
Tell her you're attracted to her. Tell her how you feel. TELL HER!
Well, it was great talking to you again, but I have to go back to student teaching now! Bye!
Wait! Before you go - I'm really attracted to you. Would you like to go out sometime?
Sure! I'll give you my number and you can call me tomorrow!

 

WHAT??!!?? She would have accepted? My God, I really AM an idiot!
Keep watching, we're far from finished.
Two months later...
Y'know, it's been tough working our schedules, but I've had so much fun! I've never been so happy!
Neither have I! It's like a dream come true!
Uh, so why are we hanging out here in your bedroom?
Here's a hint - it's not to play checkers, loverboy.

 

ARRRRGH! I can't stand it!
Nobody told you it was going to be easy to watch.
Come on! I'm notorious for not getting lucky! How is THIS supposed to make me feel better?
Wait and see.
Not very long afterward
Hey, how's it going?
I've ...um... got some news.

 

She's ... pregnant? But we ... I mean they only did it ONCE!
Once is all it takes, buddy boy.
But that's crazy! I was 21! I wasn't ready then to be a father!
Funny you should mention that ...
This is crazy! I'm only 21! I'm not ready to be a father!

 

Jesus, I didn't take that well, did I? What happened?
Eventually, you realized you had to do the right thing.
I'm sorry I was so stupid. I love you. Let's stay together and raise our baby.
Oh darling...
We just can't get married right now. Plus, you'll have to give up teaching for awhile.
I understand.

 

Whoa, wait a minute! WHAT did I say?
You couldn't marry her. Neither of you had much money, especially being education students.
Yeah, but couldn't we have found a way? And why did she have to give up teaching?
Why are you asking me these questions? Don't you already know the answers?
I was hoping I was wrong.

 

So we didn't get married and I forced her to give up teaching? Then what happened?
She had the baby and the two of you lived together. You finished school and got a teaching job.
So I still went into teaching in this reality?
That's right.
Was I more successful at it than I was in my reality?
What do YOU think?

 

This just gets worse and worse! I didn't last that long in teaching!
In this reality, you did. You hung in there to make it up to her for having her give up her dream.
So I stuck with teaching even though I was unhappy? For how long?
8 years.
8 years of spinning my wheels in a job that wasn't for me???
Guilt is a strange thing, huh?

 

This is horrible! I must have been miserable!
You were. You directed your anger and frustration out at her.
Oh please, no...
Go on and leave! See if I care!
I won't be back, you bastard!

 

I ... I became the kind of abusive creep I despise most!
Ironically, it was her that managed to keep you propped up as you slowly lost it. Without her...
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm so happy she's gone! She's the one who screwed up my life! Now I can LIVE!
Howdy pardner! This is your principal! Guess what? You're fired!
Uhhhh?

 

I-I'm speechless...
Eventually, you built a life, but it was a far cry from what you could have been.
What about her? What about my child?
They were gone forever. Some wounds never heal.
ALL THIS BECAUSE I ASKED HER OUT?
In your world, she's married and has a master's degree. Isn't that a hoot?

 

I think I'm going to be sick.
There's a lot more you would have frittered away, my friend.
Yeah, you would have lost touch with your family! We would have missed you, you moron!
Sibling affection is such a beautiful thing.
I thought so.

 

And don't forget about all the friends you made when you were so lonely. You would have never met them.
Like Riotmoon!
And Megaloman!
I'm not sure it's a good idea to leave those two in the same room.
Oooooh, that's going to leave a mark!

 

And we can't leave out all the women who have found a place in your heart these last few years! You would have never met any of them!
Like me!
And me!
Um, who's the girl on the right?
You'll find out soon enough.

 

This whole thing floors me!
Think of it like this - are you happy with the person you are today?
Yeah. Yeah, I can honestly say I am.
The person you are today is the result of your experiences - good and bad.
Are you trying to tell me I'm the man I am today because I was a cowardly geek?
Essentially, yes.

 

Wow. You've given me a lot to think about ... and a lot to be grateful for.
Remember my friend, even the wrong decision might turn out to be the right one in the long run. Make the best of the life you have.
There's just one thing you haven't told me...
The answer? You have to find that on your own. Just trust that it is there for you. Farewell!
Actually, I was kinda hoping for a punchline.

 

In a future gone mad...
Listen Ted! "A world where everyone is named 'Ted' is unnatural! I must destroy you all!"
Wow Ted, I think the Anti-Ted is serious about his scheme!
ARRRRRRRGH!
Oh no! Ted has been retroactively deleted from the universe!
I wonder why the Anti-Ted is doing this...
Ha! Soon I'll be the only Ted left...Dang! Got confused again!

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