All comics by Captain_Satellite

Profile

 

The Great Squirrel War has begun!
"Journal entry #1023 - Commando squirrels lob their explosive nuts. All seems lost."
Hello.
GAH! The enemy! Why? Why turn on humans?
Boredom, really. We squirrels grew tired of our role in the grand scheme of life.
Which was...?
Running internet message board services.

 

Listen!
Hey dudes and foxy ladies!
I've been known to be called the Black Six Million Dollar Man!
Right!
Stop! Don't die for no reason!
I'm rough, tough, and hard to bluff!
But still...
He comes on strong...like King Kong!
Big Muthas are my specialty!

 

In a swanky hotel, evil is brewing...
Personally, my favorite Godzilla is the 1964 "Mosugoji" suit design...
Ack! This guy has been talking for 5 straight hours! Maybe...
I prefer the "Heisei" Godzilla series. GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA is art!
Nope, I'm still alive. God help me!
Someone call for the Demon God of Geekiness Phanboi?
Great.

 

BRAINS!
Say, would you like to see the CGC-graded copy of SPAWN #1 I got on eBay for a mere $900?
Hmmmm?
BRAINS!

 

BRAINS!
Y'know, I don't READ comics. I just buy multiple copies of new comics for their investment potential.
...
I'm thinking I have a good chance to have sex with the Vampirella spokesmodel!
I'm going to starve here.

 

(With thanks to Riotmoon) Our hero faces the ultimate defeat!
MU-HA-HA-HA-HA! I, Satanic Mechanic, have killed Time Biscuit Man with my Lube Job Of Immolation!
ROTATE CLOCKWISE, MONKEY LICKER!
Holy crap! How'd you do that?
I was always destined to die at this point and retroactively survived by sending my consciousness in the past.
And caused World War III with the time paradox.

 

ROKETTO PANCHI!
Ah, MAZINGER Z! I don't care if it is in Japanese, any show with a giant female robot is OK in my book!
MISAIRU HASSHA!
HOLY COW! She shoots her breasts as missiles!
Koji Kun! Abunai!
I wonder if it's wrong that I find that erotic.

 

Hey, Mr. Police Man, can I help you out?
And how do you propose to do that, freakish bee man?
I could help you with a "sting" operation! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Didn't you think my joke was funny?
I've killed men over less.

 

Hey man, don't take me to jail! I'll get you any drugs you want!
Uh huh.
Well, how about women? I'll get you the finest women in town.
Uh huh.
Did I mention that I own a goat farm?
Keep talking.

 

You have the right to remain silent.
Baaaaaaaaaaaa!
You have the right to eat tin cans.
Baaaaaaaaaaaa!
You have the right not to kick me when I approach you seductively.
Baaaaaaaaaaaa?

 

In the future, everyone will be named "Ted".
Hi there Ted! I just got a letter! It's from Ted!
What does it say Ted?
"Dear Ted. Ted is homicidal psychopath who collects Conway Twitty records and wears crotchless panties."
Oh no! Ted knows my secret! DIE TED DIE!
Help Ted. I was brutally attacked by Ted.
Bummer, Ted. Which one?

 

*SOB* Surely there must be someone with brains in this place!
Excuse me, Mr. Brain Munching Zombie. I wanted to know if you'd like to eat my brain.
What?
Well, I haven't been using it for awhile, so I figured that I shouldn't let it go to waste.
Who ARE you?
Todd McFarlane.

 

I'm sorry, but I just can't resist.
Did you have any bad dreams? Did you break any glass?
Would you be my companion? Is there even a chance?
You been talking in circles since I been able to cry.
There's never been any reason for never telling me why, yeah-ah!
Save my life!
I'm going down for the last time!

 
Ummmm...
That's not exactly what I meant.
There's just no pleasing some women!

 

The Zombie has just met Todd McFarlane.
Let me get this straight. You're offering to LET me eat your brain?
Sure, it's kind of a nuisance now anyway.
I don't understand.
I'm busy trying to squander any fame, money, respect, and goodwill I have left by doing illogical and irrational things.
Why on Earth would you want to do that?
It's the principle of the matter.

 

While preparing to eat Todd McFarlane's brain, the Zombie engages his willing victim in philosophical banter.
You're saying these people do have brains after all?
That's right. It's physically impossible for most people to function without brains.
In reality, they're either painfully clueless or so burned out on this hobby that they just don't care anymore.
I'm know I'm just a zombie, but that sounds stupid to me.
That's fandom for you.

 

Mr. Todd McFarlane, that's just amazing.
All true, I swear.
So, let's take that guy with the broom over there. Who's he?
That's Rob Liefeld. I've worked with him in the past. He was one of the founders of Image Comics.
So, even HE has a brain?
Oooooooooh, bad example.

 

Hey wait a minute! He's the janitor! Where did everybody go?
The convention is over. It's time to go home.
But I'm a zombie! I don't have a home!
Let me give you the name of some people who should make you feel right at home.
Marvel Comics Group?

 

Dalek I love you.
Oh geez, not again. Guess I better play along.
We're going to save the world.
EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
We're going to change your world.
I hate when Doctor Who gets drunk.

 

In the future, prostitutes will be robots.
"These aren't the droids you're looking for!"
Yeah, that's it! He likes role-playing stuff! Be sure to make that mean face, too!
...But he calls it "The Jeffries Tube"!
I don't care, it's for 1000 bars of gold-pressed latinum. You WILL crawl in there!
*SIGH* I miss the good old days when people yearned to sample the decadent sins of the flesh.
Speak for yourself, skank!

 

The two convention goers never did understand that the value in comic books comes from the joy of good stories and art, not "collectibility".
I resold my CGC graded SPAWN #1 on eBAY. Closing price - $2.79.
I lost all my money investing in CrossGen comics. I never did get to have sex with the Vampirella spokesmodel either.
Todd McFarlane never did have his brain eaten, but he later surrendered the rights to it to Neil Gaiman (who keeps it pickled on a shelf). He continued on his path of folly undeterred.
However, I did derive a certain sense of satisfaction by once again grinding my jackbooted heel into Rob Liefeld's face!
OWWWWWWWW!!!!!
The Zombie did go to Marvel Comics. There were plenty of zombies there, but any brains had left long ago. He remains hopeful.
Where are you Stan? Jack? Steve? Roy? John? John? Gil? Sal? Don? Hello?

 

Upset with the poor treatment of their hero on stripcreator, the Legion emerges from their headquarters at the Fortress of Ineptitude.
I created Cable!
I created Cable!
Their arguments were somewhat limited and the inevitable dissension arose in the ranks.
I created Cable! No, I did! Damnit, I created Cable!
Chill guys! We all know who created Cable - Stan Lee! No wait - Bob Harras! Wait...
The campaign proved to be less than a rousing success.
Aiiiiieeeeee!!!!!!!
Burn, pinhead boys!

 

I want to be the greatest black superhero in the whole universe!
Ooops, I'm completely out-of-perspective in this panel!
The way I see it, I'm only lacking two things to realize my dream!
A garish costume and absurd powers?
A big beautiful afro and stock phrases as cool as "Sweet Christmas!" and "Oh spit!".
You DAMN right, homey!

 

Hello, I'm Richard Gere, speaking on behalf of the Free Tibet Fund...
*AHEM* Excuse me?
What the...? What are you...?
I hadn't heard from you in days. We still on for Tuesday night?
I DO NOT KNOW THIS SQUIRREL!
No one's buying it, pal.

 

Excuse me, Rorschach. I'm informing Laurie ninety seconds ago.
RORSCHACH? Jon, DON'T! Don't start all your crap NOW!
I - I'm sorry. It's these tachyons. They're muddling things up.
Oh, save it Jon! You're having an affair with a MAN!
She knows our secret.
Hurm, show Kovacs again the practical applications of quantum mechanics.

 

Friday, February 15, 2002
Time to spend the weekend with my girlfriend.
Time for a relaxing evening of roaring and cornholing!
Two hours later...
Invalid Query.
My life is empty without stripcreator.com!

 

"Normal" People
All right! Nude pictures of Alyssa Milano!
Hopeless Geeks
Rock on! Supergirl and Batgirl having sex!
Total Freaks
Excellent! Bea Arthur dominatrix photos!

 

Spank! Spank!
Spank The Pink Donkey!
Spank! Spank!
Spank the Pink Donkey!
What?

 

*ahem*
We at Captain Satellite Productions would like to apologize for the preceding strip.
"Spank the Pink Donkey" (strip #103174) had no discernible point or humor. It was just an excuse for a catchphrase.
I think we can all agree that catchphrases by themselves are not inherently funny.
Meanwhile...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!

 

Captain Satellite! Captain Satellite! We want Captain Satellite!
Yes friends, due to popular demand, Captain Satellite returns!
HIP HIP HOORAY!
I would say I haven't done any strips in awhile because I've been working on other projects, but the truth is that I didn't have any funny ideas.
...And I still don't.

 

Captain Satellite has a thunderbolt of inspiration!
OK, here it comes! This will undoubtedly be THE funniest strip I have ever done on stripcreator!
Suddenly!
Hello Captain! It's me, Naomi Morinaga, your virtual idol and the star of countless Internet-inspired fantasies for you.
So much for inspiration...
*drool*

 

Hi there. We at Captain Satellite Productions, in our ongoing quest to help our readers "get it", would like to interrupt this narrative to bring you vital information on...
...Naomi Morinaga, who will be played by me, threereasons-asiangirl1, for the duration of this joke. *Tee hee*
Naomi Morinaga (born March 12, 1964) is a Japanese actress who first rose to fame playing the role of the sidekick "Annie" in the Japanese superhero series SHAIDER (1984).
She has played numerous roles in both film and television since that time. She is a talented stuntwoman and capable actress and she also hasn't been shy about taking her clothes off.
A cool site about her can be found at http:// www.geocities. co.jp/ Hollywood-Theater/ 4413/index.html. Sorry, it's in Japanese only.
If you use a search engine, I'm sure you can find numerous nude pictures of her, too...you pervert.

 

Captain Satellite is confronted by his Internet fantasy girl Naomi Morinaga!
So...uh, Naomi, why have you manifested yourself here?
Well Captain, I was just wondering if I really make you happy. Are you sure the time you spend staring at pictures of me couldn't be used to get a REAL girlfriend?
Hmmmm, let's see. Will you ever leave me or cheat on me or hurt me or say you want to be "just friends"?
Er, well no. I'm not really here. I'm just a series of images on your computer screen.
So where's the problem?
Must...try...new...plan.

 

Naomi, you still haven't explained why you've projected yourself from my computer into reality.
By God, you really are dense, aren't you?
W-w-what?
YOU ARE A LOSER! YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME STARING AT PICTURES OF A WOMAN YOU WILL NEVER MEET! PUSH AWAY FROM THE SCREEN, OTAKU-BOY!
It's true!!!! And the sick thing is that I've never even watched a single episode of SHAIDER!
What the --??

 

*sigh* Naomi, I SHOULD spend less time looking at pictures of you on the 'net. You're absolutely right.
I know I'm right, you goon.
Well, she's gone. What can I do to constructively fill the time I would otherwise use to drool over her?
YES! Cut and paste comic strips on the Internet!

 

Wow, I am getting so much creative work done since I got over my obsession with Naomi Morinaga!
Of course, dozens of pictures of her are only a mouseclick away.
Ten minutes later...
*drool*

 

There! I've saved every Naomi Morinaga picture on the Internet! Now I can get back to work!
Hello Captain. I'm Sayoko Hagiwara, the actress who played Dyna Pink in DYNAMAN.
*sob*

 

"Ted" answers fan mail from Captain Satellite's loyal readers!
Melvin Feebish writes to say, "I was wondering why all of Naomi Morinaga's dialogue was in English even though she is Japanese."
"Perhaps this is because she was a manifestation of the Captain's insecurities about women and not the REAL Naomi? What do I win for this clever explanation?"
My undying contempt.
Whoa! That kind of overanalysis of a dumb comic even caught the Demon God of Geekiness Phanboi off-guard!

 

Captain Satellite visits his stripcreator sensei Riotmoon!
Riotmoon, I'm not funny enough. Where do you get the ideas for your profane yet hilarious strips?
Well, first I get really liquored up...
...Then I filter whatever happens to be on TV through my drunken stupor.
But what if I don't drink?
Spend a lot of time on message boards and in chat rooms. It's the same level of incoherence.

 

I also have people mocking me! How do you deal with that, Riotmoon?
Well...
First I zoom in on their failings and shortcomings with pinpoint accuracy...
...Then, like a surgical laser, I BUST THEIR HEAD TO THE WHITE MEAT!
Wow. Do you think that'll work for me?
No. You still suck.

 

Are you upset that I used the same character you use for yourself as my spokesman?
Nah. Just flabbergasted at your paucity of originality.
But I was paying tribute to you!
Is that what they're calling "ripping me off" these days?
By the way, can I use Time Biscuit Man again?
What a tool.

 

There's another thing, Riot. I am constantly distracted by pictures of attractive women! What can I do?
Well see, the thing is...uh?
{European accent} I am model Veronika Zemanova. Would you like to spend the day with me? {/European accent}
Riot?

 

Looks like Riotmoon has deserted me for the promise of a lust-filled tryst with model Veronika Zemanova.
*sigh*
He never did tell me if I could use Time Biscuit Man.
What do YOU think, numb nuts? Now go fetch my PLAYBOYs. I need visual aids for this show!

 

I guess you're back from your orgy of pagan sexual deviance with Veronika Zemanova.
Yep.
Did you ever have a series that just sort of petered out to a big anti-climactic ending?
Yep.

 

Hey sis! I just won a CD on eBay!
Cool!
It's only costing me $99 plus shipping!
WHAT!!??!! Are you insane!!!???!!!
Hey, it's very hard to find.
So's your common sense sometimes...

 

Well, it's 10 o'clock and we have the house all to ourselves.
So what do you want to do?
Well...
C'mon, c'mon! It's obvious!
We could pop popcorn and watch good Christian movies.
Or there's that...

 

El Beardo, you are a huge flaming knob! If we meet, you will receive a massive BOOT TO THE HEAD! Love, Megaloman.
Foolish geek, tremble in fear for now EL BEARDO is here!
Uh oh. MEGALO-FIRE!
What the hell was that?
My sure kill death ray technique, but I, uh, see it's...not working.

 

not_Scyess : So, do you actually know Japanese?
Not enough to be an expert, but yes, I do know some.
TOZAN WA TANOSHII BAKA O-HINAN SHIMASU! Translate this in 30 seconds or your computer will EXPLODE!
29...28...27...
I have GOT to learn to keep my mouth shut.

 

*hic* Look at me, I'm a bloody drunken Irishman!
Um, honey? You're wearing a kilt. Scottish people wear those, not Irish people.
*hic* Really?
'Fraid so.
DAMN THAT LEPRECHAUN! DAMN HIS EYES!

 

Grandpa, you've been in the bathroom for an hour! WHAT are you doing in there?
Quiet whippersnapper! I'm on the horns of a dilemma that has plagued mankind for generations! It takes a lot of thinking!
Oh well...no sense in wasting good corn!

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