All comics by Forever_Omniscient

 

So who are you visiting in California?
A friend of mine that I grew up with.
Is it a girl?
No.
Is it a guy?
...

 

"Dear Mr. Know, my friends and I were trying to think of a place to eat. Someone suggested 'foreign' food."
"How can it be foreign if it is just down the street?"

 

"Dear Mr. Know, my mum has been going to a psychiatrist for all her life."
"Does this mean she's crazy?"

 

"Dear Mr. Know, my clothes have recently began turning white ever since I bought a new detergent."
"Is this a sign that I should join the KKK?"

 

"Dear Mr. Know, I live in Arkansas and I told my cousin Stacey Lynn to kiss my ass."
"If she does, will that make us 'kissing cousins'?"

 

...and lastly, you're suppose to do about 3 to 4 columns a day.
You mean these columns right?
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-31-09

 

I like a number 9, medium, with no sauce, and substitute the side with a potato.
Are you sure you don't want flies with that? They're really good

 

And...
...goes the dynamite.

 

Sorry lovebot, but we're two different fictional cartoons. I'm 2D, you're 3D, it was bound to be erased eventually...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-31-09

 

The Cuban Missles did fire...
And after many, many years...
Hey, all right, y'know I smoked your uncle once. It's just you and me now, Keith Richards and the Cockroaches!

 

OMFG
No way!
ROTFLMAO

 

In the future...
It's life, Captain, but not life as we know it. An alien lifeform of unknown origin. One that has not been encountered in over 2000 years.
My readings suggest that it is very powerful, yet it is here and not here at the same time.
Goddamn it, I don't care what it is, it's fucking up everyone's minds, we must destroy it!
Fascinating. The lifeform seemed to sense our hostility and vanished. It is unlikely it will come back.

 

During the Roman Empire...
So, what did everyone do to get here?
I tried to steal from the Emperor.
I tried to rape the Emperor.
I tried to kill the Emperor.
I tried to be the Son of God.
I...I just hang out here...

 

Hi, I'm Bryan Jackson, what's your name?
Richard Head.
Wh-what?
My name is Richard Head.
Are you really?
No......yes.

 

What is the groom's name?
Bradley Joel Hore
Hmm, okay, so let's see that would make you the new Mrs...oh my...
What is it Father?
Um, tell me do you like giving head for money? You might want to look into that.

 

So, they tell me you are the famous Jimmy Dingler.
Yep, that's right.
So, do you? I got cash.

 

No fucking way dude, you're not Batista!
Well, thats my name.
You're such a fucking liar, I'm gonna show you what I think of liars.
This is my ID. Look at it.
"David Batista." Huh, so I guess you are him, but this makes no sense.
That's because you are stupid.

 

Somewhere in Kentucky...
How could you? How- I can't even look at you right now.
*Fah-ah-ah-ah-ah-gulp*
by Forever_Omniscient, 4-01-09

 

At Galilee: And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed...
*Praying*
And Simon and those who were with him searched for him, and they found him and said to him:
Everyone is looking for you.
Let us go on to the next towns, that I may preach there also, for that is why I came out.
I didn't know you were gay, it all makes sense now.
...

 

And he called the people to him again and said to them:
"Hear me, all of you, and understand: There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him."
That is SO not true: alcohol, drugs, STDs, etc...
His disciples asked him about the parable
Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and is expelled?"
That may be true for some things, but damn the mental defiling stays with you...
"What comes out of a person is what defiles him."
No shit? Really?

 

The Pharisees came seeking from him a sign from heaven to test him. And he sighed deeply in his spirit and said:
Why does this generation seek a sign? Truly, I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation.
Please?
And 1000 years later...
There it is! Oh, wait, thats just a Grail shaped beacon...
And another 1000 years later...
That son of a bitch is going to pay for lying to us...

 

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit..."
"...and it's filled with people who are filled of shit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it..."
"...and it goes by the name of..."

 

Monday - Day Before
I'm going to a rock concert tomorrow, any advice?
Just do this at every song...
Tuesday - Day Of
I'm going to a rock concert tonight, any advice?
All right, well got to wear all black and a smart-ass shirt...
Wednesday - Day After
OMFG, I can't feel my body, is it that bad?
How was the rock concert? You got to remember to keep your head during the mosh, or you'll lose something or worst...

 

There once was a woman who was quite begat. She had three babies, named Nat, Pat, and Tat. She said it was fun in the breeding...
I miss being doggie styled by you boys father...
Nattie wants milkie...
But found it hell in the feeding...
Pattie wants tittie...
Bittie!
...when she saw there was no tit for Tat.
I'm so sorry Tat, your brothers sucked me dry...
You bitch...

 

"We Americans are a simple people..."
"But piss us off..."
"...and we'll bomb your cities."

 

One day at the office...
Hey, so are you going to try and apply for William's job?
Yeah, I think I will, it can't be that hard to get.
Wait for it...
The next day...
That asshole has a window, a nice parking spot, and makes more money that I do!
The man tries to kill you and you still want his job?!

 

The delusions of one person is insanity...
...delusions by a few is a cult...
...and by many a religion.

 

...it's like being paged by God, without being killed.
Are you sure about that?

 

So, you're saying, you are ready? Really?
Yeah,I am, I've been waiting to do this for a long time...
The more I see the less I know the more I like to let it go...
heeey
ooohhh

 

I love me phone. It's so cool. It can call people.
by Forever_Omniscient, 4-03-09

 

Who can look into a mirror without turning evil? A mirror does not reflect evil...
...but it creates it. Thus, a mirror bears a glimpse but not scrutiny.
by Forever_Omniscient, 4-03-09

 

At the local Academy Sports and Outdoors..
Daddy, I want a dart gun.
Daddy, I want a dart gun!
Daddy, I want to go bye-bye now.

 

Please hurry Heebie, I must have a pussy...
Yes, sir, right away, sir...
Here you go, sir...
Heebies! You know how I feel about gingers!

 

Friday the 13th, Morning
How can I kill her...she's allergic to cats...and gingers...
Friday the 13th, Night
Friday the 14th, Morning
I didn't expect that...

 

Suicide overkill

 

We have a very special surprise for you this evening.

 

9 Months BC
Hey D, thanks for coming over. Listen, I have a new PR campaign. Who is our best PR field agent?
Well, Abraham is pretty good but he's retired. I guess the only other person is your son, Jesus.
Right, right. Well, go tell him I have a new job for him.
All right. Should I also tell him that it's a suicide mission?
Nah, he's a smart kid, he'll figure it out.

 

I hope this finds you. I think of you everyday. I miss hearing from you.
I miss being asked for my advice and loving you enough to always tell you the truth.
Now that you are grown, I miss feeling your hand in my hand...
...sitting on the edge of your bed, watching you sleep. You knowing, I'm there.
I'm still here you know, when you need me, when you're ready.
Love always, God

 

Oh no, no, no, NO!
What's wrong, guy?
This is a one arm scissor! I can't even look at it it's so stupid. Who would invent such a thing?
Hmm, I don't think whoever did isn't as stupid as the idiot who bought it.

 

My head feels like it's going to have a baby!
It's called a headache.
It has a name?
Um, yeah...?
Not anymore...

 

I spy something red...

 

Easter
It's Jesus! I found Jesus! Holy crap! Everyone come quick! It's Jesus, I swear to God!
No one believes you anymore you lying bastard!
See no evil.
I told you no one would believe you.

 

My husband Earl, the Easter Bunny, has more followers than you!
Heathens have no faith. Only the faithful are rewarded.
I dunno what da hell yous just said, but we have chocolate.
To be without sin and faith in oneself and ones God is all the reward needed.
Uh huh, but does it taste good? Yeah, I didn't think so.

 

For the last time, this is my holiday now, so F-off!
It will never be your holiday, the power of the faithful is limitless.
This is my last warning.
Nothing you do shall ever change that this holiday is about me.
Prove it.

 

Run along now little girl, I have to hide the eggs now...
Why do you have an axe, Mr. Easter Bunny?
That isn't any of your business. Now go away!
I don't think you are the real Easter Bunny.
I. Am. Too!

 

It's that time of year again, Dad.
The anniversary of you sending me down there to my death. Your only son. Betrayed, Tortured. Crucified.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.

 

How the hell did people suddenly go from remembering my death and resurrection to multi-coloured eggs, chocolate, and bunnies?
Well, um, you see, sir, um, after so many years, we found that idea, um, was depressing and it, uh, made no money, so we brightened it up a bit...
by Forever_Omniscient, 4-10-09

 

Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.
Way to go, Son! You did it! By the way, they knew what they were doing from the start. It's all part of the plan.
Wh-what!
Um, excuse me, that's my line.

 

Are you the Easter Bunny?
Eeeh, not so much, doc.
Are you the Easter Bunny?
No, I'm the Twix rabbit's mum.
Are you...the Easter Bunny?
Yeah, sure kid, let me show you my eggs.

 

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
No shit.
by Forever_Omniscient, 4-10-09

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