All comics by Injokester

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by Injokester
7-01-05
Y'know, with the extra security they've put in at Disneyland, it's been getting harder and harder to get laid.
So I decided to go straight to the source and headed down to the hospital last night.
New borns, eh?
No, but I did get my hands on a piece of umbilical cord from the bins out the back.
Now that's using the old noggin.

 

by Injokester
7-02-05
I'm sorry Subliminal-Chess 4000, it's just not the same.

 

It was a tense moment as Mittens had to decide if his desire not to be eaten outweighed his desire to play with the dangly things on the stranger's chin.
by Injokester, 7-02-05

 

by Injokester
7-02-05
Seven years without fail.
And today is the day I forget to pre-lube my anus before leaving the house.

 

by Injokester
7-03-05
I don't know why, but whenever I sleep in my car I wake up with the taste of copper in my mouth.
Actually, the same thing happens to me whenever I take a nap in the park.
Really?
Yeah.
How odd.
I blame it on that wino that keeps putting his blood drenched, scab covered ding-dong in my mouth.

 

by Injokester
7-05-05
As hellish as the war was, sitting out here, two best friends in the sun, looting corpses, kinda makes it all seem worthwhile.
You gonna eat that wedding ring?
No, you go.

 

by Injokester
7-15-05
According to this article: "Too many dumb people will bring down your faith in society to the point where you think you'll never find someone halfway decent. "
"And then someone pees in your butt and it's all over. "
What the hell are you talking about?
Bend over Chen, I want to try this.

 

by Injokester
7-17-05
They say blood is thicker than water.
Well yes, it is.
And so is sperm.
Obviously.
But you're still drinking it.
Hey, you leave the specimen fridge unlocked at your own peril m'man.

 

by Injokester
7-17-05
How was your ham and cheese sandwich?
Tasty.
It wasn't really ham, it was a slice of dead leper.
Zing!
You bastard.

 

by Injokester
7-17-05
Well Chen, the plane is down and if we can't find food we'll have to resort to cannibalism. You go that way and we'll rendezvous back here in 24 hours.
I'm going down to that ski resort I spotted earlier.

 

by Injokester
7-17-05
You two can spend a few hours in here and sober up.
Well Chen, it looks like you'll have to be my prison bitch.
But we're only in here for a few hours...
Rules are rules Chen. And afterwards I expect to try this "spooning" I've been hearing about.

 

by Injokester
7-18-05
This is all your fault Chen.
How is it my fault?
Any normal person would have checked their closet for dead hookers before going to bed.

 

by Injokester
7-19-05
Nope, still say it's the guy at the paint counter's fault for saying Canary Yellow was "in".

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Hey Chen, what's happening?
Don't look at me like that Chen, all I did was board up all your doors and windows.
I was trapped in there for eight days.
Yes, but at least you were safe if zombies attacked.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
What's the word Chen?
Why are all the mirrors in my house broken?
I broke them because I thought they'd annoy you if you ever become a vampire.
But I'm not a vampire.
Always be prepared Chen.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
What's happening Chen?
Why is there a big hole in my bedroom ceiling?
I thought I'd install a sky-light.
But you didn't install a sky-light, you just left a big hole.
These things take time Chen. Union rules.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
So it turns out I forgot to feed your mother when I shut her in the closet and nailed the door shut.
I don't want to talk to you right now.
It's not like it was intentional.
Is that all you have to say? You didn't even apologize. You killed my mother and you didn't even apologize. Isn't there ANYTHING you want to say to me?!?!?
Hammer-time!

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Good news Chen, I created a time machine!
Now we can go back to before I burned out your retinas with bleach.
You mean you'll shatter the laws of causality and risk a temporal paradox to restore my sight?
No, to watch. Come on Chen, it'll be funny.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Think fast Chen!
Wha?
Aren't you supposed to throw something when you do that?
I think microwaving your cat was mean enough.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
What's the word Chen?
Did you fill my toilet with concrete?
I think we both know I did.
Why? Why the hell would you do something so mean and pointless?!?
To be honest Chen, I was running out of other ideas.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Well Talkie-Chess 3000, Chen's stuck in the chimney.
The best way to get him out is with lubricant.
Pour some detergent down from above, and once he wiggles loose you should be able to pull him up.
I'm off to poke him with a broom.
Bishop to Knight 3.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Well Talkie-Chess 3000, Chen's still stuck in the chimney.
You couldn't get him out with the broom?
It was more the means than the end I was concerned with.
Do what I said and use a little detergent.
Or I could use a LOT of detergent and the hose and make "Melvin's house-o-bubbles"
Castle to Knight 4.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
I'm sorry Chen, but I can't get you out and it's getting cold. I'm going to have to light the fire.
But I'll die.
Yes. Yes, you probably will.
Isn't there any way to get me out?
I'll tell you what, I'll relax by the fire for a while and see what I can cook up.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Chen! I got rid of that kid you didn't want.
What did you do?!? Melvin you better not have...
Relax, I went through an adoption agency.
Oh thank God! Which agency?
eBay!

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Chen! Do you want the good news or the bad news?
You'd better give me the good news first.
I waterproofed your house.
Oh, well thankyou. What's the badnews?
After spending all morning filling it with water I found out I don't know how to waterski.

 

by Injokester
7-22-05
Chen, you're out of handcream.
I don't have any handcream.
Then what was in the white tube beside the sink?
Hemorrhoid cream.
I knew the applicator nozzle tasted funny.

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
Hey Chen, I've got a joke for you. What do you do when an epiliptic has a fit in the bathtub?
I don't know, what do you do?
Drag him out and ride him around the loungeroom like a little horsie.
Ha ha ha... that one's pretty funny.
You don't remember anything when you have a fit do you?
Not a thing.

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
Bad news Chen, I opened your mail and the bank is taking your house.
What! This is terrible. I'd better call an accountant.
Two steps ahead of you buddy. I can't let them take your house, otherwise I'd have nowhere to hang out. Just sign here.
Oh thankyou!
Ha ha ha... Now I have both power of attorney and own your soul!

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
What up Chen?
My house is overrun with vermin.
Mice?
And rats. I can't work out why, I always keep the place so clean.
I'm guessing it's the wheel of cheese I've been storing in your wall.

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
How's it hanging Chen?
Every inch of my body is bruised and I have eleven broken bones.
Well that happens in a bar fight.
And what did you do? Did you help me? No. Why didn't you do something?
Hey, where do you think that guy got the steel pipe dipped in cat wee?

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
Look Chen, I'm a pacifist, I couldn't get involved in the fight.
But you handed the other guy a steel pipe dipped in cat wee?!
Hey, I had $20 backing him.
How could you place a bet?! The fight was over in seconds.
I did it right before I told the guy you were "talkin' sexy" to his mother's urn.

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
What's happening Melvin?
Hey. What do you think you're doing? That's my line.
While you were out I smashed your waterpipes so I could sit in your loungeroom and play "submarine."
I feel so violated.

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
Well Chen, I've just signed a publishing contract for my first book.
Wow! Congratulations!
You're in it, too.
What's the book called?
"101 things to do to Chen with a dead cat."
This explains a lot.

 

by Injokester
7-23-05
What's the word Chen?
Melvin, if I'm lying in bed and I'm not moving, it probably just means I'm alseep.
I don't like uncertainty Chen.
Couldn't you see me breathing?
What I do like is poking people with sticks.
You tried to pole-vault me.

 

by Injokester
7-24-05
Hey Chen, I've been reading up on ancient Egyptian culture, specifically the mummification methods.
Well I'm glad you've decided to broaden your mind.
Apparently there are curses to bring them back to life so they can eat the souls of your enemies.
I don't think that part's historical. What are you doing with that hook?
Now just hold still Chen.

 

by Injokester
7-25-05
I've got bad news Chen.
What is it now?
I think your desk is pregnant.
Desks can't get pregnant.
In that case it might need a wipe-down.

 

by Injokester
7-25-05
Bad news Chen, I thought I could hatch a chicken egg if I nestled it in your tissue box.
You tried to hatch an egg?
That's right.
Let me guess, you're trying to tell me there's a broken egg in my tissue box?
A broken egg covered in shit.

 

by Injokester
7-25-05
I got bored while you were out Chen, so I played "Gorillas in the Mist."
How do you play that?
Well it's pretty cold in your house, and you know those "See no evil, hear no evil" monkey things on your mantle?
You peed on them?
You're getting harder and harder to surprise Chen.

 

by Injokester
7-27-05
Hey Chen, what's with the dead guy I found on your couch?
That's my brother. He isn't dead, he has narcolepsy.
If some guy called Phil comes by asking about the craigslist ad, I don't know anything about it.

 

by Injokester
7-28-05
Good news Chen! My experiments in genetic engineering have successfully yielded a half-man half-cow creature.
Why on earth did you do that?
I thought the benefits would be obvious.
Oh yeah. Combining the brain of man with bovine strength and endurance coupled with the ability to sustain itself on grass. That is a good idea.
I was thinking six breasts, but sure why not?

 

by Injokester
7-28-05
why...did you...kick me...
in the...balls?
Two for flinching Chen. You've got one more coming!

 

by Injokester
7-28-05
What up Chen?
I'm going to the doctors, I think I have the clap.
It's probably just the Amazonian Candirú fish I've been breeding in your toilet.
What! Why did you put them in MY toilet.
Be realistic Chen, I couldn't have them swimming up my pee. Wait, you didn't flush did you?

 

by Injokester
7-28-05
Good news Gene, in order to understand your culture I have decided to become a Viking!
I really don't think that's necessary for you to understand Swedish culture.
Nonsense Gene! I spent the afternoon burning your village and raping your women!
My women?
Your couch Gene, I raped your couch.

 

by Injokester
7-28-05
Good news Chen, I filmed my audition to appear on the show "Myth Busters".
Oh, what did you do.
I proved that alligators can't live in the sewers because you can't flush a full grown alligator down the toilet.
Isn't that baby alligators?
Either way, stay out of the bathroom.

 

by Injokester
7-29-05
You don't look too happy Chen.
I'm not. Not at all. I have dog poo all over my new shoes.
You should watch where you walk.
I didn't walk in it. You know that perfectly well.
I did yell "Fore" Chen.

 

by Injokester
7-29-05
Chen! Hey, your head's bleeding.
Yes, you just threw a rock at me.
Well, I saw you doing your paper route.
So you threw a rock at my head?!?
Rock beats paper Chen.

 

by Injokester
7-30-05
Is that? It IS! It's a crate washed up on the shore! I hope it has food! Or entertainment! Anything to relieve the monotony!
It's...
Dried coconut...

 

by Injokester
7-30-05
Hey Chen, why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?
He didn't Chen, he was too busy being augured on your bed.
What?
You might want to put plastic down the next time I'm going to do that.

 

by Injokester
7-30-05
Hey Ted. How's work been treating you?
Not bad. We've been working on new ways to lock people into phone contracts to get them to pay for services they won't even use.
How can you do that? Don't you have a soul?
No. Last year they gave us a choice for our annual bonus - stock options or we could have our souls back.
I took the stock options.

 

by Injokester
7-31-05
Hey Chen, what's happening.
Interest in my art seems to be dwindling. I think it's too abstract for the modern art community.
I created some abstract art today.
Oh, what did you do?
Let's just say it's on your bedroom floor, and since I don't want to clean it up, I'm calling it "art".

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