All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

See , Tobor baby , i TOLD you. That never fails to get my clients off.
Tobor happy. Now Tobor find REAL culprit.
Erm , not so fast there Tobor baby , we still have the small matter of my Fee to discuss.
?
RAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Suddenly , ive just remembered this one was Pro Bono.

 

Tobor want to find culprit , but Tobor not know where to start.
Why , hello there again Big Boy. I have a few minutes if youre not busy.
Again? Tobor has not seen you since Prison.
Oh you big kidder. You cornholed me this morning after i got off those Donkey Sodomy charges.
*sigh* The Things Tobor does to get to the truth.
I wont be a minute , im just adding some sand to this vaseline.

 

Tobor tracks down the culprit
RAAR! TOBOR HAS YOU NOW. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
RAAR. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
?
?
Now tobor knows how Travolta felt in Face Off.
Now i know how Cage felt in Face Off.

 

RAAR! TOBOR HAS YOU NOW. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Oh , alright then . It was just a bit of harmless fun.
*GASP* ...... CLANGO?
Yes Tobor. It was me all along. And , great Thespian that i am , i performed Admirably.
BUT, BUT , WHY .........
The forum users luvvie darling. I just HAD to bring myself back into the spotlight.

 

DOES CLANGO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS NOW!
Yes , i suppose you have to do what you have to do.
RAAR. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
AHHH , My god thats rough , dont you use lubricAAAAHHnt.
The End.
Its good to be back to normal again.
Good god , i think you busted my alternator.

 

Hey there Nicole. Hows Tom doing?
Hey there Mr Spielberg. Boy was A.I. a GREAT film.
Hey there Andy. I think you did really well to post the 40003rd Comic.

 

But Obi-Wan , what is the dark side of the............ hang on , where did all the Jedi go
Dont sweat it kid , Marsellus Wallace asked me to do "though i am my brothers keeper thing"
You killed all the Jedi? Christ , thats like 20 years of scriptwriting down the crapper.
Yeh , you shoulve heard that psychedelic motherfucker Yoda squeal when i severed his ears with my light sabre.
This was my big break Samuel cant you EVER break out of that Pulp , Fiction character?
Heh. Thatll teach that motherfucker Lucas to tie me to a ten movie deal.

 

RARR. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU
PULL!
*!Whoosh!*
WTF?
*!BANG!*
RAARR. TOBOR IS BULLETPROOF. SHOTGUN WILL CORNHOLE YOU WHEN TOBOR LANDS.

 

Backstage
Wow Kylie . That was a fantastic show. I dont think ive ever enjoyed a concert that much.
Thanks Russell. Im glad to have the support .
Im starring in a new movie. Id like to have you do the soundtrack.
Russell , thats a great idea. What does the movie involve , so i know what kind of songs to write.
Well , i kill people , and i furrow my brow , and i speak only in monologues to the camera.
I sense this isnt going to be on a par with anything by Dylan .

 

So , what youre saying is , during the matinee performancs you want me to run down the Aisle and eat people.
Thats exactly it Daddy-O
Then im to grab an usher , open my wings , and fly up the balcony and eat his brains.
Youre catching on Quick daddy-O
Mr Coppola , you dont think this will detract from the overall enjoyment of the movie do you?
Hey , Tarantino executed 26 people during the preview of Pulp Fiction.

 

Erm , now , i know that , theoretically , im only viewing you , and im actually an ethereal being on this plane , but can i ask you something.
Shoot.
Well , im looking for someone who clearly isnt you , and i wouldnt mind you telling me if youve harmed him in any way.
Well , i contemplated having a nibble here or there , but i passed , since Cthulu wanted a bite or two himself.
This doesnt bode well for the poor guy
*koff*koff*hack* help.......

 

Erm , hello tall , dark and slimy.
Ahhh. What the hell are you doing here. I thought id seen the last of you when i escaped.
Ive come to warn you , your molecular cohesion is breaking down. If you dont get back to the lab within 48 hours , youll dissolve into nothingness
I dont believe you , im really evolving into a higher life form.
Care to rethink that last sentence?
Only if i can jam my beak up your ass while i say it

 

Dexx , dont you agree that this whole idea of someone basing their comic contest around the story of their lives is ...pointless?
Well , yeh , basically , its a ego trip gone horribly wrong.
An ego trip thats gone from Louisiana , through California , into Ohio , and has ended up right here on this page.
Did i just subconciously create one of the worst ever entries to one of these contests?
For the moment , but i hear Andy's going to write something with a "Yet Maw" punchline.

 

They gave me a FREE car. All i had to do was sign some bits of paper.
So , like , all i have to do is give my eternal soul and i get that house ive always wanted?
These Stripcreator forums are GREAT. Youre all so funny , and you really really love me!
*grin*

 
Little Fuck Horner sat in a corner , MASTERBAYTING AND THIKNANG OF RAYPING PEEPEL!

 
I am NOT eating no motherfucking Porridge , Billings you bastard!

 

RARR. AQUA TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Good Grief. Aqua Tobor , youre a freshwater fish. What are you doing in my local swimming pool.
HAR HAR. DR PEDANTIC PISSED HIMSELF. AQUA TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
*sob*

 

Dear Fuck
MY GYRLFREHND TOLD ME HERH BOLIOGLICAL CLOCK WAS TICKING
Please
Fuck Off
SO I RAYPED TEH BITCH!

 

The Rock says "Know your role , and SHUT YOUR MOUTH"
You have Cable over there?
Bastard.

 

So , err , Surly Dragon. Why have you suddenly showed up here.
Well , the femoxidil also affected me. Alas , i was happy go lucky at one point. Now get out of my face you bloated cow.
Ha Ha. Nice one Surly dragon. She really deserved that.
I dont see what youre laughing at. You look like youve been dragged through a hedge backwards. I bet you cant get a date.
Do we need a knight in shining armour to kill Dragons?
I dunno. But i have a 12 gauge in the garage which i think is getting a first outing.

 

You know , no matter how hard i try , theres always one thing on earth i just cant understand
Yeh. They confuse me as well.
I mean , i understand Fiscal Policy , Theoretical Physics , Bryan Adams lyrics. Hell , i even get the jokes in Seinfeld.
Those are very confusing. So whats the one thing you dont understand.
Cherry Scented bath towels.
For a moment i thought you were going to say Harry Potter.

 

Hey Dexx. Youve been called up for National Service. I thought Australia stopped doing that.
WHA? Hang on a second. Why the hell are you reading my mail.
It says youre in for a 2 year tour of duty , playing bit parts in world conflicts and dodgy Australian soaps"
Oh no ...... i mean , i can take fighting Afghanis in a far off land ....
Yeh , i know man. Bit parts in Home and Away.
Damn.

 

Hi. Im Dexx. Im the new bit part australian soldier guy on a break in Summer Bay
Hi. Im the actress who plays Sally , the previously Cute kid who had a kid at 16 and is married at 18.
Dont you think these storylines are a little far fetched? I mean , whos going to believe them.
unrealistic? Oh hell no. Im doing a "Satanic Cult brainwashed my baby" storyling this month.
Erm , your baby is supposed to be 18 months old.
Damn those continuity people. They said she was 12.

 

Dexx shoots his first scenes.
Sally , i know im only here for 2 weeks , but i can make those the best two weeks of your life.
But Eric , my husband , the father of my child , still loves me , even though hes sleeping with my sister.
Sally , you must get over him for the sake of our unborn child.
My unborn child?
Oops , thats next weeks episode.
CUT!

 

Dexx has a meeting with the director.
Bob , i just cant do this. I cant have a clear conscience when im portraying a love rat soldier who leaves Sally with another child and goes off to fight in Sydney
Dexx , baby. We spent almost 2 hours writing that script. Its the most controversial thing weve ever written.
Look , i just cant do it , its simply not right.
Look , what part of the script dont you agree with.
Going off to fight in Sydney. Cant we make it Afghanistan or Indonesia?
Sydney was the most brutal warzone we could think of.

 

Now , youve all been utterly shit. But one of you has to go. Its time to vote off , the Weakest Link.
Surly Dragon.
Surly Dragon.
Surly Dragon.
You can all Fuck Right Off.

 

Hey Bill. It looks like youre writing a letter.
Yes Clippy. This is the new dialogue for your program. Would you like to hear it?
"Hey . It looks like youre writing a letter. Have you got an End User License Agreement for that Letter"
Thats great Bill. Whats an End User License?
Shhh Clippy. Ill tell you when youre a bit older.

 

Spankling. Ill make this real simple for you. Accept defeat , and ill spare your life.
HAH. Thats not offering me much. Big S will give me 1000 beatings a night for all eternity if i succeed.
Youre just not getting this , are you. Everyone will die. You cannot defeat me.
Hmmmm.
Oh Bollocks. Now i sound like Alan Rickman.
At least you didnt threaten to remove my intestines with a spoon.

 

I tell you what. Give me a good reason why i cant blow this place up ,and if i cant think of a better reason , then you win.
Ok. Double Penetration strap-ons.
The Weakest Link
Kevin Smith Movies
Adrian Zmed
Ohhhh shit. Now how do i counter that.

 

Nuclear Weapons
Nipple Rings
Kevin Costner Films
The Catholic Church
Wait a minute ....The Catholic Church?
They speak with your voice , and Jesus , you done fucked up your own handiwork.

 

So , since i set up the catholic church , and they speak in my voice , i have to do what they say?
Basically yes. If youre infallible , and you preach love , trust , forgiveness and pro-life , you have to abide by those rules.
But dad said ......
Your dad fucked up. He forgot to read his own rules. And if you break them , existence ends.
Does this mean i dont have to spend another second on this fucking cross?
Damn, Turning Jesus against his dad was easier than i thought.

 

Dad , if i destroy the earth , im going against your word. If i dont , im going against your word. So ive decided on a compromise.
You WHAT? You cant compromise the word of God. Thats what Lucifer did , and look what happened to him.
Yeh. He got made overlord of hell , and all his plans for earth to become completely fucked up succeeded.
Of course , if thats what you want , i could just go join him ......
no , you may as well come home. Its your mothers time of the month anyway , i need the support.

 

Jingle Bells , Crabby Smells , Alison ran away
Spankling Lost his Anal Probe.
And Dexx is Clearly Gay.

 

So i said to him "Hey , those letters arent going to write themselves"
Ha Ha Ha.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

A Brief Business Discussion Ensues
So , you see Guvnor , the REASON people dislike you and microsoft aint your products or your advertising
Id never thought of it like that. So you mean , if i stop giving money to charity just for tax purposes , and give it GENUINELY?
Precisely. Youll get your tax breaks anyway ,
And people will stop viewing me as a megalomaniac , hell bent on world domination?
Lets take this one step at a time shall we matey.
Does this mean i have to stop running Malaysian sweatshops making my keyboards?

 

Wow , you know , that was a great evening. I know just how we can top it off.
Oooh , this just gets better and better. And to think i had my hand down he blouse the whole movie ...
Ill just slip into something more ...comfortable.
Damn. I am going to be sore in the morning. Im taking this bitch six ways from sunday.
Well , what do you think?
And i thought this only happened in Austin Powers movies.

 

You dont like the way i look when im naked?
Youre a ....robot. But how. I mean , i had my hands on your breasts , i was stroking your thigh. How did i ....
Fail to notice? Well , its because im designed to generate body heat and fluids just like a real woman.
So , despite you looking like the Terminator , youre really a robotic Traci Lords?
I taught that 2 bit whore every trick she knows. Im as flexible as plastic , and strong as steel.
And when im done , youre going to be recycled baby.

 

*unf*unf*unf*unf* .... yes , just in there , just OHHHHHHHH YES
*clang*clang*clang *clang *clang*
Jeezus. That IS flexible. Id have broken my last Girlfriends back if she bent that far over.
Now , watch this , for my greatest trick
OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU CAN REMOVE YOUR HEAD!
And wait till you see what my tongue does ...

 
The Afterglow.

 

So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha ha ha.
Like i really give a fuck anyway.

 

No officer. That is not the heads of 25 Newborn Children in the backseat.
Yes Officer , i know im a Squirrel , but i have a learners Permit.
Me Sorry Officer. Me love you long time. Sucky Sucky?

 

Excuse me , youre in my way.
Yeh. I suppose i am.
Would you mind moving then.
I dunno if i can be bothered.
Can i rephrase that to "Get out of my way before i eat you"
You could , but i doubt id care.

 

Doc , ya gotta help me. Im so depressed being a donkey. I spend all day hiding from Gabe and Wirthling.
Well , i have just the thing. This came through this morning. Guaranteed to change you into something nobody will fuck.
*glug*glug*glug*
That seems to have done the trick.
Jeezus Doc. That stuff is really potent. Whats it called?
"Kauf Medicine"

 

Im sorry Roger. Weve had to amputate both your arms just below the line of vision of this strip.
WHA? ..but , those arms won me the 1997 "Masturbator of the Year" certificate.
Well , we have give you some piece of mind. We caught and killed your attacker.
The Herring?
Yes. Because hes a nocturnal animal , we had difficulty catching him , but anyway , we made him into something special for you.
EARMUFFS? What the hell would i want with a pair of Earmuffs that smell like a herring?

 

Wow. That story is SCARY. So , tell me , what does this "Wirthling" thing do again.
They say its just an Urban Legend , but supposedly , its a dismembered head that floats around and tries to insert itself into Donkey Rectums.
Thats almost as stupid as the time you said McDonalds were doing a new "Donkey Burger" happy meal.
Hey , im telling you. This story scares even the most hardened donkey. Id keep an eye on your anus from now on when it gets dark.
Next youll be telling me that theres a new strain of Mad Cow Disease that affects only donkeys.
That wouldnt worry me anyway. Im a hedgehog.

 

Dear Sir. This package was delivered wrongly to our address. Signed : A.Neighbour.
Hmm , i wonder ...
KER-TRANS-FORM
Decepticons?

 

So I said to him , "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha Ha.
what the ....
KER-TRANS-FORM
Decepticons
Thats right GW. Now give us those plans for the star wars defence system.

 

For Chrissakes Harv. You gotta help me. Theres this fucking Cat with a Stripey hat chasing me
Cat in a Hat? Oh , ive seen those before. Dont worry too much about it. Those bastards cant swim.
This one is in a Speedboat , and hes wearing an outfit from an Austin Powers movie.
Oh shit. You best run then. Thats a totally different guy. He catches you , youre a dead man.
What do you mean?
Marv , youre being chased by The Cat in The Crevat.

 

Thank fuck Christmas is over for another Year. Time to go back to our day jobs.
Youre right Santa. Christmas is a distraction we can do without.
KER-TRANS-FORM
KER-TRANS-FORM
Thank god for that. Now hand over those Energon Cubes.
Never. I will defend the Energon and these humans with my life.

 
Snow White realises the Dwarves Havent made their beds again.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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