All comics by Neo11

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by Neo11
2-02-11
Ok, so just pull down your pants for me and we can get started
What? I was told that the shot would go in my arm
I know-I was just hoping to see some of that sweet, sweet ass of yours

 

by Neo11
2-03-11
Ooh, he has experience flying planes, jets, and UFOs. I bet he's a really cute pilot. Ooh, I love pilots
She enjoys jazz music, walks on the beach, and anal. Wow, she sounds perfect for some anal probing since that's what she likes

 

by Neo11
2-04-11
Welcome to Top Movie Rentals, how may I help you?
I'd like something with horror-any suggestions?
I would say Big Titty Madness 3, Sorority Sluts, and Lotta Lesbian Loving are all pretty good bets
What? And those are scary?
Oh, i'm so sorry. I though you said something with WHORES! Yeah, we have plenty of horror movies
Forget that! Now I think I'll just rent Lotta Lesbian Loving instead!

 

by Neo11
2-05-11
Hey baby, what do you say you and I head back to my place for some crazy sex?
Sorry but I am a lesbian, so I don't ride on meat if you know what I mean
You could ride on my carrot instead

 

by Neo11
2-06-11
I'm going outside to play now, okay grandma?
But you didn't eat your vegetables I made for dinner-you need them to grow big and strong!
Oh grandma, that's just an old wisetale
AAGGHH! Oh my god, is that a fly? How on earth did it get to be so huge?
Didn't you just hear what your grandma said? I ate my vegetables to grow really big dammit!

 

by Neo11
2-07-11
After finding out your girlfriend cheated on you multiple times, what made you forgive her?
Well Maury, I just asked myself 'what would Jesus do?' and I realized forgiveness was the right option
Forgiveness? Are you kidding me? I would have smacked that bitch up into next Tuesday!

 

Do you ever get the feeling that we are being watched?
by Neo11, 2-08-11

 

by Neo11
2-09-11
I need to find a new man tonight-my boyfriend's tongue just can't please my pussy well enough
If only there were someone out there who could really get the job done
Hi there-I think I may be able to fix this little problem of yours

 

by Neo11
2-18-15
Coming up tonight: Anchorman 2, Dumb and Dumber 2, followed by A Christmas Story 2
I miss the good ole days when movie ideas were original instead of all these crappy remakes of classic ones
But first, the exciting premiere of "Debbie Does Dallas a 2nd Time"
Now this I've got to see!

 

by Neo11
2-18-15
It bothers me so much when people say things like ATM machine and PIN number
Why would that bother you?
Becuase the M stands for machine and the N for number. They don't need to say them at the end
Dude, I don't know WTF fuck you are talking about

 

by Neo11
2-22-15
Honey, I'm in the mood for steak tonight
I'm in the mood for a blow job
Excuse me?
What, did you just fart?

 

Hi, could I get one of your snow cones?
Cannibal!
by Neo11, 2-22-15

 

by Neo11
2-23-15
So I thought you should know, my girlfriend dumped me last night
Aww man, that sucks. What happened?
She claimed that I was worse in bed than an M&M
An M&M? I don't follow you
Whenever we fooled around, it melted in her mouth AND her hand

 

by Neo11
2-25-15
Wow, doing these mushrooms was a great idea
Agreed. I was told these will make us see things that could never exist in real life. Just look at those colors!
This is crazy, are we in outer space?
I think so, and everything looks like a cartoon. Amazing!
Wait, the Super Bowl? How does that not exist?
Looks like the Browns are playing the Lions

 

by Neo11
2-28-15
You ever hear of the phrase 'talk is cheap?'
Sure have
To me, that's one of the worst sayings out there. Nothing but a total lie
Why do you say that?
I called one of those sex hotlines for an hour last night........yeah, not cheap

 

by Neo11
3-02-15
Man, sometimes I just wish I was a human and had lungs instead of gills to breathe
Just imagine, getting to experience everything about the world on land instead of being stuck under water
On second thought, I think I'll be fine right here

 

by Neo11
3-07-15
Part of me regrets the decision to be sent to Mars. Just think of everything we left behind
I miss my family, friends, pets, action movies, fresh air, and being able to eat anything I want
I miss being able to masturbate without having semen float everywhere

 

Mmm baby, you make me so hot
I doubt that
by Neo11, 3-09-15

 

by Neo11
3-24-15
Aww, look at that cute little bird
Maybe I should buy it and give him a good home
Polly wants a cracker
You racist!

 

by Neo11
3-24-15
Hey there cutie pie, how are you?
Doing good, how about you?
I am so hot, what do you think of that?
Interesting...
Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Don't flatter yourself baby, it's just a banana

 

by Neo11
3-24-15
Condom Man, thank goodness you are here!
No problem Timmy. I always make sure people make a safe decision
Then you should be able to help me, I think my girlfriend finally wants to go all the way tonight
One condom coming up
Oh...all you have are magums, huh?
Good luck explaining that one kid

 

by Neo11
3-24-15
So coach, any regrets from tonight?
Yeah, the team and I smoked a joint together after school. I realize now that was not the smartest move
Oh my goodness, you did what?!
Oh, did you mean regrets from during the game?

 

by Neo11
4-29-15
It all started in 2nd grade
If I'm voted king of recess, I will fight to stop the spread of cooties
Wow, I would love that. Tommy kissed me on the monkey bars yesterday
His college years continued to impress
If I'm voted president of our fraternity, I will offer free STD testing to all of the women who sleep over
Great! Then I can confirm you'll have nothing to worry about....well, next time that is
Even at 87, he's still got it
If I'm voted head of the retirement home council, I will demand easy access to more granny panty diapers for the ladies
Oh, you really know how to treat a girl. Especially me since I just soiled myself

 

by Neo11
5-06-15
I hate farmer Thomas so much, he's a liar and a thief!
Why do you say that?
I just saw him and the old lady having sex. He told her that he thought up the moves they were using all on his own
Why would that bother you?
They were doing it doggy style and I know that creep has watched us before. Where do you think he really got those moves from?

 

by Neo11
5-27-15
Hmm, says here that I could save up to 15% or more by switching to GEICO
Everyone knows that Richard
Well, did you know that weather girls make really bad hookers?
Looks like today will start out with some kissing followed by a little dirty talk. Our full forecast for the night coming up after sports

 

by Neo11
5-27-15
Hey Jeff, could you do me a favor?
How about we skip the favor and I just do you?
Wow, does a pathetic line like that ever actually work?
Oooohhh yeah it does! Talking about nonstop pussy, all night every night. Whooo, hahaha!
No

 

by Neo11
6-01-15
"Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the paaaiiin." What a great song about a sweet girl
Dude, you do know that song is about drugs, right? You should probably find a new song, otherwise people will think you are a drug addict
Oh......
"Lucy in the skyyy with diamonds!!"

 

by Neo11
6-10-15
This old library used to be the place to go, packed with visitors every day
Now, it sits nearly empty. Almost sad in a way
Perhaps it was a bad idea to get rid of the 'Adults Only' section

 

by Neo11
6-10-15
My wife whispers, 'What could be more lovely than a day at the beach?"
I lean over and whisper, "Topless."
"A topless beach"

 

by Neo11
6-10-15
I stare into the photo and ponder what it could mean
Perhaps it is some deep form of art, or is meant to resemble a large storm about to cause destruction
Then I stop kidding myself and realize it is nothing more than a toilet flushing after the cleaning liquid is added

 

by Neo11
6-24-15
Hands above your head, now!
But I can't, my hands are too small! Why are you doing this?
Once I blast your head to dicareedoo, I'll be the king of this here zoo so stick em up!
Seriously though, they are too short so I CAN'T! Just like you can't walk backwards.
What? How on earth would you know that about me?
Well, due to the short hands I also can't play with..... you know....down there. I've found reading to be the only alternative to occupy my mind

 

by Neo11
7-12-15
Picking up Peach from Work
I'm sorry Mario, but your princess works at another office. Haha, just kidding but get it?
Yes.....ha.......that's some funny stuff
Ordering Fast Food
No egg sandwich for you Mario. We cracked the egg and a baby dinosaur was inside! Haha, you get it?
Sure do. And let me just say that was pathetic
Walking Down the Street
Don't want to get in a snowball fight with you Mario. You will probably start throwing fireballs at me. Haha, you know, fireballs. Do you get it?
I hate my life

 

by Neo11
7-15-15
OK Joey, if you were given one wish to be whatever you want when you grow up, what would it be?
I want to be starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, wow, ha ha ha, for the Browns? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, whoo that is some good stuff
OK, but seriously Joey, one wish

 

by Neo11
7-15-15
Welcome home sweetie
Hi honey. Knock, knock....
Who's there?
Your wife, who has been cheating on you for the last three months and feels reaaaaally bad about it
I don't get it
This is going to be harder than I thought

 

by Neo11
7-26-15
Let's do Lincoln!
Lincoln, Lincoln bo bincoln, bonana fanna fo fincoln. Fee fi mo mincoln, Lincoln!
Let's do Nick!
Nick, Nick bo bick, bonana fanna fo fick. Fee fi mo mick, Nick!
Let's do Michelangelo!
What? That's ridiculous, I'm done

 

by Neo11
8-05-15
Oh wow, this will never work.....it's way too tight.....are you sure this is the right hole?
I've told you, yes. Just add some more of that lube and keep trying to get it in there!
Oh my goodness, there it goes! In and out so smooth. This is incredible
Like I said, have a little faith and you never know what might happen
I can't believe that just happened. I suppose you earned this 10 bucks. Thanks.
Sure thing. And let that be a reminder, NEVER bet anyone that it's impossible to fix a tight, rusty keyhole in the dark

 

by Neo11
8-06-15
Honey, I've been thinking. We've been married a year now, I feel it's time we have a baby....or at least get a puppy
What? No way. A baby or dog will just end up shitting all over the place!
That's ridiculous! We are supposed to compromise and all you come up with is some childish response like that? Why would anyone use such a line?
You are right, it was a stupid thing to say. Let's discuss this over some dinner. I'm thinking Taco Bell
What? Not a chance. If you eat that, you will just end up shitting all over the place!

 

by Neo11
9-27-15
Hi there Ron! Would you like to come inside?
Oh, I would love that. I also have condoms incase you change your mind.
Oh my gosh, what did you say?
I should probably get going

 

by Neo11
9-28-15
You are so cute, we should hook up tonight. I just love everything with pumpkin whether it be beer, cookies, or ice cream
Sounds good to me
The Next Morning
Wow, that was amazing. It's a shame that all of the pumpkin things are only around during the fall. I want to enjoy them all year long
No worries, I left you with one pumpkin item that won't be leaving
Really? What's that?
Pumpkin herpes

 

by Neo11
10-07-15
This week on Healthy Chef, we are celebrating the delicious world of greens. Let's bring in our special guest, Tommy
What's up?
Tommy, would you like to show us your creation that includes an item in the world of greens?
Sure would
Uh, these look like some sort of dessert. That's not exactly healthy or on this week's topic
Oh, these are my special brownies. Trust me, they are loaded with greens

 

by Neo11
11-04-15
This year for Christmas, I want to live in a big castle with a handsome prince
Hey, I'd to live with a bunch sexy women at the Playboy Mansion but nope, look at me living it up with old Mrs. Claus at the North Pole. Get lost kid!
Santa? What are you doing here in November? You came way too early
That's what she said! HAHAHA, beat it you little freak!
Hey buddy, I heard what you just said to my son. Where does one pick up such dirty language?
I'd say mostly from my wife since she's such a dirty ho ho ho!

 

by Neo11
12-06-15
1998
As I stated, I did not have sexual relations with that woman
Liar! You clearly did so just admit it already!
2015
I'm telling you that I DID have sexual relations with her!
Nobody believes you Mr. President, pics or it didn't happen

 

by Neo11
12-20-15
So how was your Christmas?
Nine ladies dancing!
Haha oh, so you celebrated 12 days of Christmas, like the song?
Say what? No, I just spent all day at the strip club

 

by Neo11
2-03-16
Hey Carl, how's your little one?
Oh, HA HA HA, really funny Frank. I get it. You told the entire office about my small penis and now you are making a joke. Quite mature.
Uh, actually I was referring to your newborn son
Oh........he's fine

 

by Neo11
2-03-16
So first off, tell me a little about your work history
Well, I wish I could tell you that my last job was long tenured, with a lot of success and everyone hated to see me go but I can't lie like that
Interesting, what was the job?
Cleveland Browns starting quarterback

 

by Neo11
2-04-16
What are you thinking about?
Pizza
Seriously? I've spent the last 3 hours thinking about our relationship, where we are and if we have a future! All the while you are thinking about pizza? Ridiculous!
Soooo, I'm confused. You don't like pizza?

 

by Neo11
2-04-16
What women think initially goes through a man's mind
Hi there cutie, I'm Marie
Wow, she is beautiful. I bet she's smart and funny too. I'd love to marry her and raise a family
What really goes through a man's mind
Hi there cutie, I'm Marie
Don't fart, don't fart, don't fart

 

by Neo11
3-05-16
I'll take a Not Your Father's Root Beer
If it's not my father's, then whose is it?
I don't know, how about your mother's? Hahahaha
What was that you son of a bitch?
10 Seconds Later
Miller Lite please
That's what I thought

 

by Neo11
3-30-16
Day 1: The Drive There
This vacation is going to be so great! I'm super excited about the drive down there!
Day 8: The Drive Back
Ugh, now we have the long drive back up. I'm actually kind of regretting this all now
Typical female way of thinking. Happy and excited on the way down but sad and regretful coming up from it
I don't follow
Give it time, it's a long drive

 

by Neo11
5-05-16
Excuse me sir, but you were swerving back there. What's up?
My blood alcohol level, that's what. Hahahahaha
Shit, did I just say that out loud?

Showing page 2.

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