All comics by Porternotes

Profile

 

by Porternotes
6-11-14
How's the dating sites coming?
Not very productive. I sometimes think that the people who respond to my profile don't even bother to read what I have listed.
Sometimes it's marketers looking for someone to buy their products.
I wondered that. I had a girl mention that she likes Almond Joy candy bars and then the next thing you know, on the side I see an ad for Almond Joy. Now I get it.
Just like Minority Report.
The penis pump ads are totally random, though.

 

by Porternotes
6-11-14
It's important that you don't settle for less, overall. But don't you get lonely? I mean, there's nothing wrong with a "roll in the hay" if you know what I mean.
I don't think I could do the "one night stand" thing. I'm not looking for that. And if I have a relationship with someone, they have to be someone I'll have around my daughter.
I respect that.
Thank you. AND they must be comparable in nearly every way, because if I hold back on something it will easily become a big issue sometime later, so I must be upfront about my desires, right away.
Good for you! Stand strong on your convictions.
I'm so lonely.

 

by Porternotes
6-17-14
When I have kids, I'm going to be really strict with them. I'm going to be downright mean.
You think so, eh?
Yes, I'm going to beat 'em. They'll be too scared to ask for anything, because they'll get beat.
What makes you think that works?
I just see how you never beat us, and I know what goes on behind the scenes, man.
I suspected as much.

 

by Porternotes
6-17-14
I'm glad to hear, at least, that you intend to have a family.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna have me all kinds of kids.
Nice.
I may adopt them all. I don't know. Maybe I'll open an orphanage beside my dream of being a wealthy surgeon.
How noble. Though I'm not sure your ideas for discipline will go over so well.
I figure orphans will appreciate whatever they can get.

 

by Porternotes
6-18-14
I can't find anything to eat.
There's tofurkey, tofutti cheese, tofu burgers, rice-cream sandwiches, vegan mac and cheese, quinoa noodles and sauce,
I can't find anything to eat.
There's veggie spring rolls, minestrone soup, salad, eggplant fajitas, and... sigh...
There's bean dip and fritos.
Now you're talking!

 

by Porternotes
6-18-14
The regional director for Organo Gold will be in the area next month. Arlo says we need to make a good impression, so she's telling me I need to buy her a new business suit.
That seems kind of extravagant. What kind of meeting is she expecting?
He is a very important, successful business man. I am nothing compared to him. I should feel honored to be in his presence. He is coming a long way for this meeting and we should look professional.
Wow, where is he coming from?
His bus arrives from Milwaukee at 5:20pm today..
Maybe business casual attire would be acceptable.

 

by Porternotes
6-19-14
How was your big meeting.
The man is a pig.
What makes you say that?
He's disgusting. He's filthy. I can't stand him. He eats with his mouth open and tells disgusting jokes. He is a very unpleasant person to be around.
Well, at least he wasn't around for long...
Arlo suggested he stay in my spare room for a few months.

 

by Porternotes
6-20-14
So, are you going to let this guy move into your spare room?
I don't want to, he is a pig. Arlo is on my back about it, and Im and old man what can I tell either of them?
No?
That's impossible. This man is a gangster. He comes from Chicago. He had to leave the city because he had so many people after him. He's always looking over his shoulder. He could be killed anytime.
And now he's in your house.
The only thing I can do is pull the blinds closed and pray.

 

by Porternotes
6-24-14
How are things going with the new roommate?
I can't stand him. He acts as if he owns the place. He sits on my couch in his underwear and he drinks milk right from the carton. He talks loudly on the phone and watches television all night long.
Interesting. Though you and Jeffrey technically have him outnumbered.
Jeffrey has become a traitor. They sit on the couch together and that schmuck lets Jeffrey lick food from his lips. He stares at me while he pets my dog. MY Jeffrey!
That sounds complicated.
I just keep telling myself that Jeffrey is teaching me a lesson.

 

by Porternotes
6-24-14
So, essentially Frank is now a prisoner in his own home because of this guy from Milwaukee.
I don't feel the least bit sorry for him. If he's going to start selling that organo gold coffee crap, he's going to end up hanging out with undesirables.
It's not as though I feel sorry for him, I kind of think it's funny.
I can imagine having somebody intrude upon his home has him very frazzled.
Not to mention the blow to his ego by losing Jeffrey's affections to this man.
That part is just plain weird.

 

by Porternotes
6-26-14
Hey Ryan, I want to thank you for hosting the all ages open mic for us tonight. I think we're going to have a pretty fun time.
It's no problem.
There's a pretty good crowd tonight, too. That's always a good time.
Yep.
We have found that it's really helpful to have a lively host who will engage the people into participating. That makes a lot more fun.
Sure.

 

by Porternotes
6-27-14
Welcome to Open Mic.
Here's a song I wrote.

 

by Porternotes
6-27-14
This song is titled:
Happy Little Frog

 

by Porternotes
6-27-14
Ryan is a bit.... Dry.
I like him, though. He's doing fine.
Yeah, I don't know what's better, watching Ryan perform or watching the crowd watch Ryan perform.
I know what's better...
What's that?
Watching Matt squirm because he thinks he could do better.

 

by Porternotes
7-07-14
What's all the commotion outside?
I can't tell, it sounds like a car accident.
It's Frank!
What is the matter with that guy?
There seems to be some sort of a problem.
We don't need to be known as the coffee shop that kills people.

 

by Porternotes
7-07-14
...and now I'd like to do another song...
NO! No more of your songs! They're weak and depressing. No more of your sucky songs! Get off the stage.
Oh, crap. I guess I'd better handle this.
I think maybe you'd better deal with Frank first.
I'm sorry for that, folks, I just couldn't listen to any more, and you shouldn't have to either...
Coprophagia! Coprophagia! Mr. Milwaukee Organo Gold slickster eats SHIT! And he's IN MY HOUSE!

 

by Porternotes
7-07-14
Frank, you can't come running in here creating this kind of scene. There's kids here.
I came over as soon as I found out. People think I'm a feeble old man, but I'm a hacker. I know how to find out information. I looked up his record. He imprisoned a woman and flung feces at her.
...ok...
Then he ate the feces! I keep a clean home and Arlo had me allow this shit eater into my home, around Jeffrey.
I'm sure, as a dog, Jeffrey is no stranger to poop eating.
This is no time for humor. This man could be flinging feces in his room right now.

 

by Porternotes
7-13-14
What do you intend to do about this guy in your house?
What can I do? I told Arlo that I do not want this man in my home any longer. I can't let him roam around the house he will get shit all over everything. I cannot ever have him be alone with Jeffrey.
He's wandering around your house alone with Jeffrey right now.
No he is not. I locked his bedroom door from the outside he is sleeping when he wakes up he won't be able to get out.
Do you think that's a wise idea? What if he has to go to the bathroom? You've got him locked in and now there's no place for him to go.
He has very little to shit on in his room. I had already thought of this.

 

by Porternotes
7-13-14
I think that there are pretty strict laws prohibiting you from keeping him a prisoner in your home.
There are also laws against him flinging shit.
Two wrongs don't make it right.
My mother used to say that.
Your mother would probably have plenty to say about this situation as well.
My mother had very strict guidelines regarding shit flinging.

 

by Porternotes
7-13-14
So what do you intend to do about this guy? You can't keep him locked up and you have to get him out of your house and back to Milwaukee.
This is true. I have already talked to Arlo about getting him out of here.
Great! The two of you can convince him to go. Problem solved.
Arlo is not available until Monday. There is no way that I'm transporting him in my vehicle. So I was wondering...?
That shit eater is not going anywhere near our stuff.

 

by Porternotes
7-13-14
Oh… I was hoping to have this conversation alone with your husband. Man-to-man.
If it pertains to our family, or our property, or our business it pertains to me as well.
Fair enough. In my culture is not normal for the wife to intercede in a man's affairs. I forget I am not in my homeland.
While I can give you some grace for that, you grew up in the northern suburbs of Chicago. So what you know if your homeland is from one vacation and books on tape.
Again, my apologies.
Mine too. I guess I have some pretty adverse reactions to the subject of shit flinging.

 

by Porternotes
7-13-14
What would you suggest that Frank do with this situation?
Well, I'm no real expert. But I guess the way that I would handle it is to be firm. I would tell him that he needs to leave. Maybe direct him to Arlo's house or to the local homeless shelter.
You know? And just tell him, "I'm not comfortable with you staying in my home. I never expected to have you as an extended guest. And it makes me uncomfortable to have you here. So you must go."
Just like that?
Just like that.
First, I had better stop at the department store and pick up a rain slicker.

 

by Porternotes
7-14-14
What a crazy night, eh?
Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it.
I noticed a table of middle schoolers at open mic seemed a little confused by the situation.
I myself was confused by situation.
Well tomorrow is a new day.
All I keep thinking about is this shit-flinger that Frank's got locked up in a room in his house.

 

by Porternotes
7-15-14
This is my 115th Vegan Dad comic.
You're breaking character for this? If you were going to break character, you'd think it would be on a real milestone like the 100th or something.
Well, sure... but I never do anything conventionally. I broke character at the 81st comic last time. It's not about being on the exact number to make it important.
You forgot, didn't you?
I was on a roll with the poop storyline.
I'm going to bed.

 

by Porternotes
7-15-14
I had to come in here and explain myself. Frank is a twisted old man and he is fabricating many things about me, Organo Gold and our regional manager.
Oh, hey Arlo... You don't need to explain yourself to me. I'm just the coffee-guy. I don't need to know anything about your business.
Well, it's important for me to know that the truth is out there. He has totally made up the allegations regarding... feces. And he is a dangerous person. I feel very unsafe when I'm around him.
Maybe these are things you should be telling the cops instead of me.
He doesn't understand how to treat a woman. I'm a married woman at that. I can't be pushed around and held captive. Forced to wear a French Maid's uniform and allow a dog to eat kibble from my navel.
Ok... I see where this is going.

 

by Porternotes
7-15-14
I just want to be clear that there will be no Organo Gold coffee in this shop. It's a conflict of interest. We're a small family shop trying to make a "go" of it in this little town.
I understand.
I really have no interest in what is going on between you and Frank. That is your business, not mine and doesn't need to spill over into my coffee shop.
I understantd.
I hope I don't sound like a jerk, I just want to be clear and run a good business here. It's not easy.
Have you ever tried to get kibble stains out of a lace corset? THAT"s not easy.

 

by Porternotes
7-17-14
Arlo was in the shop today. She felt it necessary to plead her case.
Why would she care what we think?
I don't really know. It's not like anyone even believes Frank.
Have I ever seen her before?
I don't believe so. I know that I'd never seen her before today. She's around our age. Tall. Dark hair. Nothing special.
I hate her.

 

by Porternotes
7-17-14
I'll admit that I'm no fan, but I can't say you should hate her.
Ok, listen: she came into the shop to explain herself to you. While I wasn't there. So she can get your sympathy. She's trouble.
While I won't disagree with you about her being "trouble", I have no interest.
I just know these things.
Come to think of it, she did mention a lace corset.
I'm gonna find her and punch her in the face.

 

by Porternotes
7-31-14
My mom told me that I need to find a job that pays more.
Well, she may be right. We can't really afford to pay you much more than we already are.
My mom told me that the reason you guys don't make money at this business is because you're hippies.
Well, I don't know if that's…
And that hippies are generally bad with their money.
The want ads are over by that couch.

 

by Porternotes
7-31-14
This is my first time here! I love coffee!
Welcome! What can I get you?
What's in your frappe?
Well, it's an iced, blended drink with espresso, milk and the flavor of your choice.
I usually go to Starbucks.
I'm sorry, I thought you said you loved coffee.

 

by Porternotes
7-31-14
Oh... I get it, because I like Starbucks, I don't really know coffee, right? Little coffeehouse guy against the corporate coffee conglomerate?
To be fair, if it wasn't for Starbucks, a little shop like mine wouldn't even exist. It's brought awareness to people who wouldn't normally go out for coffee.
Well all right, then! I'd like a carmel, white chocolate mocha frappe with soy and whip.
Ok! Coming right up.
Can you make it extra sweet with less espresso?
You can get a milkshake from the ice cream parlor across the street.

 

by Porternotes
9-09-14
I got another call from the bank today.
Was it a good call?
No, it wasn't.
Was it a scary call?
Yes.
I have their number blocked in my phone.

 

by Porternotes
9-09-14
We can't keep ignoring the bank every time it calls.
I'm not really ignoring it. I'm just choosing not to let it ruin my day.
We're going to end up losing the house.
Well what do you propose we do?
One of us is going to need to get a job.
I'm gonna make a sandwich.

 

by Porternotes
9-30-14
I don't want to be homeless.
Okay, I will do what needs to be done.
It really sucks, because I would hope that the coffee shop could be enough to sustain us.
Well, I think that it could sustain us but it depends on a few things.
What things are those?
Which days of the week would you like to eat?

 

by Porternotes
9-30-14
Working alone today, eh?
Yes, the coffee shop is not making the bills so one of us had to go back to getting a job.
Woah! Times are that tough? I never even noticed.
If more people came in for coffee, attended our events or had lunch here rather than going to places like McDonald's it wouldn't have to be like this.
That reminds me, my hash browns from Greenwood's café are getting cold.
You... are the problem.

 

by Porternotes
9-30-14
Hey, Matt, how's it going? What are you up to?
Not much, just eating my hashbrowns.
They serve hashbrowns here?
Oh, no. I got these over at Greenwood's café. Greenwood's has the best hashbrowns, but the worst coffee.
So, why don't you get the hashbrowns from there get the coffee from here and then go home?
I don't have free Wi-Fi at home.

 

by Porternotes
10-03-14
Well, I applied for a job online last night and I already received an email-back today!
Awesome!! Which job?
It's not really a "job" exactly, but it does pay. It's with the university. It's a medical test thing.
I don't know that I like the sound of this. Like a human Guinea pig?
They only need to stop my heart for 3.5 seconds. And if they get the results they're looking for, I make $10,000.
Keep looking.

 

by Porternotes
11-23-14
I've noticed you've been working by yourself a lot lately.
Yeah, our finances require one of us going back to work, so....
So, will you be on your own every day?
Most of the time, yes. We've still got our part-timer for the mornings.
Well, I hadn't been in early because I've been working out. I think you've noticed how cut I'm getting.
no

 

by Porternotes
11-28-14
How was the shop today?
Not busy at all. How was job hunting?
I think I have a good chance at a job with Lands' End. They sent me an email inquiring about qualifications.
That's good news! What kind of qualifications?
I need a pulse.
You've got this one in the bag, honey!

 

by Porternotes
11-28-14
I can't say I'm exactly "excited" about working at Lands' End.
I wouldn't be either, but we could use the paycheck.
True. It's just back to the corporate bullshit.
Yeah, just clock in and clock out. It's not an investment.
Just wait until Matt finds out, he's going to be all "let me show you the ropes".
Ugh! Just what we need. Justification for his God complex.

 

by Porternotes
11-29-14
I go in for an interview tomorrow. The position is in sales in the Business Outfitters department.
That could be exciting. You'll talk to people from all around the country.
I guess I'll find out. It might be fun.
Sure, it might. And just think, when you hang up the phone with them it's over and done!
No more lunatics looking for relationship advice or political arguments or stupid coffee questions!
How many positions are they trying to fill?

 

by Porternotes
11-29-14
Good luck at your interview, honey. Knock 'em dead!
Thanks, hon. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey! Where is he off to?
He's got an interview today with Lands' End.
What?! Has he not listened to me when I told him how terrible it is there? Has he not seen my Facebook posts? Listened to my podcast? Read my 30 page dissertation?!
Aren't you a trainer out there?

 

by Porternotes
12-13-14
We're in a tight spot. We're going to lose either the house or the shop if we don't do something, so with this job we're maybe able to keep both.
Yes, but Lands' End?! You know how horrible that place is.
He's interviewing for a different department than the one that you work in. It's the call center. He's going back to doing sales.
The call center is even worse. He is going to be miserable.
I am going to be miserable.

 

by Porternotes
12-14-14
We've reviewed your application and feel like you'll be a terrific addition to the Lands' End team.
Well thank you! I haven't interviewed for a job in a few years, I was kind of nervous this morning!
Ha ha! Well, with your qualifications you could probably skip this whole "interview" thing and gotten right to your first day!
Ha ha! Well maybe I could just skip the whole "work" thing and get right to the paycheck. Ha ha!
Hmmm... Maybe we should just stick to the rules that's fun too.
...ok

 

by Porternotes
12-18-14
This is what the typical workstation looks like. You have your computer you have a keyboard you have your phone system.
Okay. Am I allowed to decorate my cubicle?
Sure! Many of the people who work in this department like to have photos of their family hanging in their cubicle.
That would be nice. I think that I would like that.
We definitely encourage having things in your cubicle that make you feel comfortable.
I really don't think that you want to give me that kind of freedom.

 

by Porternotes
12-18-14
I need to get my Secret Santa present for Chibbie. She likes Flaming Hot Cheetos.
You should get her those and Warheads.
You told me that I couldn't HAVE Warheads. You said they're junk!
YOU can't have them, they are junk, but your friends can.
If I poison my friends I'm no different than Monsanto.
You're friends are already choosing to poison themselves. You're just making them comfortable in their final moments.

 

by Porternotes
12-18-14
How's it going at the shop without me?
It's pretty lonely. There's customers, but overall I'm by myself for most of the time.
Anybody miss me?
I hadn't noticed.
Well, that's sad.
Coffee drinkers have short attention spans.

 

by Porternotes
12-18-14
You look nice today.
Thanks.
How's training going?
Pretty good. It's nothing new, really, other than the point of sale system, but I think I can get the hang of it pretty easily. The trainers are pretty easy going and helpful. It won't take long.
Are there any girls in your group?
... um... no?

 

by Porternotes
12-18-14
The majority of employees in the call center are women. 55% of the world's population are women. It's unavoidable that I'll encounter women.
I know. But you're pretty cute and smart and charming. Most of those women aren't getting that at home.
That may be so, but they aren't getting it from me, either.
What's the ratio of men to women in your training group?
38 to 2.
I'll be joining you for lunch today.

 

by Porternotes
12-18-14
You're pretty smart. This training stuff has me really confused.
It's not so bad. The more you use the point of sale software, the easier it'll be.
The software!? Don't even get me started.
What were you referring to?
I'm having a hard enough time figuring out the shirts.
The tag goes in the back.

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »