All comics by RetardedHistory

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by RetardedHistory
8-19-10
Okay citizen, what's on the menu?
Well, our special for today, Sir, is vegetarian cous cous cous with a non-fat herb dressing.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-22-10
Edward is recieving advice from everyone's favourite Stephen King supervillain...
But you don't get it. If I stop being a crybaby heartthrob and become a twisted, demented villain, the books will lose their appeal.
The books haven't GOT an appeal, Edward. They're teenage fluff. Maybe if you crucified a few drug addicts...
Randall, I don't WANT to crucify any drug addicts, or recruit pyromaniacs, or ANY of that shit.
Ok, fine, fine.
Have you taken any of MY advice?
As a matter of fact, I did. I got a thousand "Team Stu" and "Team Harold" shirts printed up.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-22-10
Oh my God! There's a girl that wants to meet me! Today! She says she's hot and wet for me right now! She just sent me a message!
(Sigh) She's not a real girl, and she's not sending YOU a message. On some low-rent porn sites, spammers do these things so they can take your details and send you junk mail.
Oh, I thought it was too good to be true.
An hour later...
*Sob* prick!

 

by RetardedHistory
8-24-10
Search your feelings, young Cullen! Randall Flagg never told you what happened to your father!
He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
No, Edward...I am your father.
M-O-O-N. That spells overused cultural reference.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-24-10
I feel sorry for the boss, you know? Being weighed down like that?
You mean by the bureaucracy of running the union and fighting big business?
Uh, sure.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-07-10
There's only one thing that bugs me about the Churchill adverts. Fair enough, rescuing Eddie the Eagle and housesitting for David Bellamy, those things are pretty special.
But winning a tug of war contest? Really? Why did that make the advert? What's so special about that?
Because it's a fucking dog.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-10-10
It's like my mum used to say. If life gives you lemons...
...Make lemonade?
No. Cut your wrist, let the blood drain then pour lemon juice all over the wound. Then spend the next half an hour rubbing it in while chanting "Jesus loves me"
I had a...strange childhood.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-12-10
Oh, Bella, I love you so much
...But ever since I took the job as a winter caretaker at this hotel I have a sudden urge to chop you into pieces.
I SAID stop fucking around with my typewriter.
Heh.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-13-10
Wow, thaynks fur all thuh free condoms, Doc. Ye'r really up on sexual health, huh?
I guess.
But mainly, the idea of you being able to breed deeply, deeply disturbs me.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-15-10
Hey mum, can I borrow your credit card?
Why?
Well, I've got the shopping bug. And you know there's only one cure for that!
I do, yes.
I'm sorry...there were...complications.
Burn the body.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-16-10
Welcome to the North, son! I'm proud to have a free man working at my factory!
I can't wait! All the things I never got as a slave. Fair working conditions, reasonable pay...
That's what I like...an employee with a sense of humour.
I know, almost had you there.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-16-10
An alternative 1885...
Geoffrey, it's your turn to hoe the garden.
Look at these hands. Do these look like the hands of a labourer to you?
But Theodore and Barnaby have already refused, and if we don't grow any potatoes we'll starve.
Wow, we really shouldn't have stopped labourers breeding.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-19-10
"...After the Nixon interview, David Frost went on to become a major political broadcaster"
"...After leaving Leeds, Brian Clough went on to prosper in Europe with Nottingham Forest"
"...After his last scene in Underworld, Michael Sheen went back to his trailer and read a magazine"
I'm starting to notice a pattern here.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-27-10
Jesus, what happened to you?
I stupidly tried to shave drunk
But...but you're bloody all over
Yeah...
Drunk me wants to swim in the Olympics

 

by RetardedHistory
9-27-10
Look, the law may not be clear on this but I am.
I can't agree to your terms. Period.
Well, I think it's your responsibility to honour your oral contract.
What oral contract?
"I will suck your dick if Arsenal can't beat West Brom on Saturday"
You wrote it down?

 

by RetardedHistory
9-27-10
And that's why its important to conserve life, be it old or new. Everyone has a right to it.
Those who would take the lives of others will be judged. Especially if they are young and cannot speak to defend themselves.
Oh, and by the way, after we bomb the abortion clinic a few of us are going to watch an execution. All are welcome!

 

by RetardedHistory
10-09-10
"He's an FSB agent posing as a rogue member of MI5 posing as a Mossad operative and as an Algerian terrorist at the same time"
Must...keep...up
"He wasn't really trying to get hold of the uranium, but was trying to find the arms dealer who sold it to find a rogue batch of a virus to give to another arms dealer for a bigger supply of uranium"
Must....
"It turns out he was playing one side against the other all-"
ARGHH!

 

by RetardedHistory
10-09-10
Dear Plan B. The Office of Music has recieved your application to be Eminem.
Allow me to assure you personally that the board took a great deal of interest in this proposal.
However, as prior indicated with Kevin Federline, "being" a white rapper isn't a sole justification of talent.
We thus refuse your application. Please do not, however, take this as an indication that your chavvy, bland drivel has not been appreciated.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-09-10
And then, in this dream...it's pretty horrible. I just kidnap someone of the street. Just someone I never met.
Go on.
I tie them up, and then...I sodomise them. Really, brutally, sodomise them over and over again. Sometimes it lasts for hours.
...So what does this mean, doc?
It means my dry spell is over. Care for dinner?

 

by RetardedHistory
10-11-10
Yes, you guessed it...we're waiting for your eyes to leave the page so we can kill you.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-20-10
...Do you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?
Yes, yes I do. He compliments the place well.
*I* would have asked for a 12 inch penis, but I guess I don't run a bar.

 

by RetardedHistory
11-14-10
...But the greatest Hellion you must fear is the Succubus. This demon takes the form of a beautiful woman and seduces men, taking their seed.
Oh?
Not only does the demon claim your soul, she will subject you to the ordeal of some really nasty, off-the-wall sex.
Okay. I don't want to be that guy but...does heaven HAVE something like that?
No...
I'll be at the First Church of Satan down the road then.

 

by RetardedHistory
11-16-10
I gently caress you, running my hands down there.
I moan with a heightened pleasure, ready to recieve.
I slowly start kissing your body, feeling your warmth.
I throw a flashbang grenade, then shield my eyes while spraying you with machine gun shots.
Alright, alright, go back to playing Black Ops
Whopee!

 

by RetardedHistory
11-17-10
Hey, have you heard about that new film the Human Centipede? When this crazy kraut doctor sews three people together by anus to mouth?
Yeah, and the guy has to shit in the girl's mouth. I hear it's horrible.
Oh...he shits in *her* mouth? Not...the other way around? ...Never mind.
You know, every day I wonder why I'm friends with a pervert like you.
My rapier wit?
...

 

by RetardedHistory
11-17-10
Yes, Messr Cullen has a new 'actor'! Messr Flagg still looking his grim self.
Doesn't it bother you that you've shown virtually zero character development from Twilight to Breaking Dawn?
Eh, maybe.
But hey, at least I never miraculously survived a nuclear blast only to be killed by a pissed-off spider boy
Yeah. I went there.

 

by RetardedHistory
1-12-11
Look, I understand you have to differentiate, but...India's in Asia, you know?
I know, but we use that term specifically for those from the Far East.
Well, you could always just call me Indian?
The Native Americans have that. We don't want to get confused.
Hey, what about (whispers)
The Mojave Desert black community doesn't appreciate plagiarism.

 

by RetardedHistory
3-06-11
So, once again, sir...where did you leave your wallet?
El Segundo.
That is very amusing sir, but wasting police time is a felony.
NOW how do I get home?

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
Look, Johnnie...I know it's crazy and I don't want to freeze in the woods. But there's something...weird about that cottage.
Well...I guess you're right. Why ask a potential psycho for help when we can call the AA?
I guess the "Day of Desecration" series has kind of reached its logical conclusion. Want to do the rest as a porno?
Yeah, why not?

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
Oh, hey, Clark, I'm having a party on Saturday. Diana, Bruce, Hal, and Martian Manhunter are coming.
Ah, sorry Barry, I can't go because...uh...I'm visiting my parents.
But your parents...
Wait no, not that, what I mean is, you live too far away.
But you can fl...
I can't go because I HATE YOU Barry.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
And why in the HELL are you wearing a kilt anywway?
Well, I'm called the Flash...This thing is like a flasher's dream.
I thought you were the Flash because you were the fastest man alive?
Also true.
Why do you think I feel the need to flash women?

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
Hey, Bruce, what the hell did you say to Wonder Woman? She is PISSED.
I don't know, Hawkman. First we were talking about taking a year out from heroism and I said I'd love to explore the Amazon. She freaked!!
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ohh, I get it

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
You know, J'onn, it's a shame we don't...hang out...more often.
Yeah, I know, Oliver.
You know...hang out...
Where are you going with this?
All I'm saying is...Queen by name, Queen by nature. You on my wavelength?
I did always wonder about the name.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
So, that's a no? Cause I always thought...
Look, you know my name's MARTIAN Manhunter, right?
Yeah?
I'm actually from Venus.
Think that through for a second.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
You know one thing I noticed, Bruce? We're BOTH millionaire playboys who fight crime our own way.
I guess.
And it's not just us. You've got Iron Man in Marvel, and the Green Hornet.
I, uh, I guess...
Look, Ollie, if this is your idea of sexy talk, it's just not happening.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
Look, Hal, it's not complicated. You can use that Green Lantern ring thingy for anything, right?
Technically, yes.
...So create an ATM. You and me will be buying castles in Germany before you can say 'In Brightest Day'.
I don't know, Barry. That's pretty immoral.
Two months later...
Begone from my property, peasant
Damn you!!

 

by RetardedHistory
4-16-11
Hello citizens of Gotham! As your clown prince of crime, I wanted to say, howdy!
I hope you'll be relying on me and my posse to give you a fun time. So much fun, you might just keel over! Ha ha!
Yours, John Wayne Gacy

 

by RetardedHistory
4-17-11
Rise before Zod.
Now kneel before Zod.
Now that we're better aquanted, how much are you paying for your home insurance?

 

by RetardedHistory
4-17-11
Okay, Bruce, Oliver, Diana, J'onn...we've found Lex Luthor's base in the Arctic. Let's move!
Uh, Clark?
Oh! Sorry, Arthur. This isn't really a...you mission, if you catch my meaning.
Hey! I'll have you know that I have a valid function in the League.
Two years ago, on a JLA holiday..
Oh, crap. Zatanna dropped the room keys in the motel pool!
Aquaman to the rescue!

 

by RetardedHistory
4-18-11
A ruptured spleen? Damn, Hal, how did that happen? And where is the spleen anyway?
It's above the colon. And it was a botched colonoscopy.
A colonoscopy...that's like when they shine a lighted camera down your colon, right?
I think so, I'm not that comfortable-
...So you had a 'spleen lantern!'
It's a battery, damn you.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-18-11
Oh...my...oh...*sobs*
Diana! What's wrong?
Evil...evil...can't....take....it
...She just used the Lasso of Truth on Vince Cable.
Wow.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-18-11
You know...for disciples of the ultimate dark force in the universe, we're really not that scary.
Speak for yourself.

 

by RetardedHistory
5-18-11
Someone has begun a strip. Our torment, dear sister, has begun once again. My body contorts. My skin is alive with white fire, yet I cannot move as to blink an eyelid.
While my face contorts into a macabre, unyielding smile, I pray every second the creator will locate his creativity, change categories and release me from this living hell.
It is coming, sister. I feel the muse of creativity striking our captor. He will soon choose. None but the most inexperienced creator makes a full strip wtih asiangirl1 and asiangirl2.
Which world shall be plunged into torture? Dex? Kaddar? Injokester?
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
If you have any decency, I beg you, kill me.

 

by RetardedHistory
5-18-11
Look, all I'm saying is, you people look the same. You get five guys, shave them and take their clothes off, you won't know who's who!
Okay, ridiculous for one, and two, you don't ponder the implications of stripping five black guys naked, shaving them and standing them in a line?
A slave auction?
No, that you're into MEN
Who the hell mentioned slavery?

 

by RetardedHistory
5-23-11
Come on, Bat baby, let my pheremone spray take you over! Now give me a kiss!
Okay
Woah...what are you doing? I said my lips
Yes, and ?
I meant my...main lips...
Clearly you underestimate your own pheremones.

 

by RetardedHistory
5-26-11
Hey, Captain Marvel, that was great!
Yes it was.
Look, I know I lied, and you're probably going to be a little angry, but...I'm not...exactly 18...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Oh, you are going to LOVE this

 

by RetardedHistory
6-10-11
Man, my deadlines are getting tougher every week. I keep staying up into the night finishing my articles.
I know what you mean. Down in the precinct it's been a total nightmare.
Don't tell me about the force. The labs have been a nightmare.
I know! Like, last week, I'm just getting ready to fly to the south of France, and I have to delay it by half a day to attend a shareholders meeting!
What I think the guys were trying to say is, more decorum next time?
Fuck you.

 

by RetardedHistory
6-19-11
...And so she just came into the village randomly. She was beautiful! We went back to my place and she showed me things I'd never seen before!
Pretty hot, huh? You going to see her again?
No, unfortunately, she's awaiting trial.
Trial? What's she been charged for?
Corruption of a miner! Hahaha
...I don't think we can be friends anymore.

 

by RetardedHistory
7-06-11
...So the Amazons and Diana have taken over Britain, Bruce's dad Thomas didn't die and he's the new Batman, and Aquaman flooded western Europe?
Yep. It's pretty weird.
And I'm no part of this yet because my ship crashed into Metropolis and I was taken by the army?
Yeah, and you're some pale, skinny dude. And you know Deathstroke? He's a pirate now.
Yeah, a butt pirate
Hurr!

 

by RetardedHistory
8-13-11
Morning.
Hey. Sorry I'm late. Got held up slightly this morning.
Do you want to die? DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!?!?!
Heh, I hate when that happens.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-14-11
I look awesome, Bruce. I'm wearing jeans! No more red spandex trunks! And my eyes glow like ALL the TIME.
Pretty impressive, but I think my reboot is better.
I don't know...it's too out there. The Joker is a spree killer and he's naked when he does it? What were they smoking?
Hey guys, John Wayne Gacy again, you guys want any peanuts?

Showing page 2.

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