All comics by Stevorama

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by Stevorama
10-03-09
This festival is just like Woodstock, man! Beautiful people everywhere, the tranquility of nature, great music, free love, people caring about people, no violence, good vibes, good drugs...
The festival doesn't start until next Tuesday.
The drugs are even better than I thought.

 

by Stevorama
10-03-09
In other news, a four-alarm fire burned a house in North Lexington to the ground this morning.
Preliminary investigation suggests the owner, Ms. Ima Doolittle, accidentally started the blaze with a curling iron.
She was quoted on the scene as saying, "So much for two-dollar synthetic wigs."

 

by Stevorama
10-04-09
I almost did my hair just like that once!
Cool.
Well, see ya later.
But then I remembered...I already HAD a personality!

 

by Stevorama
10-11-09
I have a confession to make.
I didn't create you all thousands of years ago. I made man ten minutes ago, but I made you with memories so you'd think you've been there all this time.
And yes, i apologize for that weekend-in-New-Jersey memory.

 

by Stevorama
10-11-09
Are you really in favor of gay marriage?
Of course I am.
After all, don't gays have every right...
...to be just as miserable as we are?

 

by Stevorama
10-11-09
That's gratitude for ya.
I got here as fast as I could, and then she ran away screaming!
I distinctly heard her say she needed a new mouse.

 

by Stevorama
10-11-09
Okay, Harvey, one more hour until your folks come home. What do you wanna do?
Hide and seek? Peek-a-boo? Rocking horsey? Fingerpainting?
Let's watch that video of you showering that Daddy put on YouTube.

 

by Stevorama
10-12-09
So, Burning Bush, where do stand on gay marriage?
This is partly why I have revealed myself to you, my son. I am here to set right those who lie in My name.
I have been misinterpreted for thousands of years, and am happy to finally clear it up. I am for marriage of any kind. Love is love.
You know I have water, right?
I mean, fuck 'em.

 

by Stevorama
10-12-09
Oh, Father, I have travelled so far and waited a lifetime to finally talk to you. Why may I not see your precious face?
The shock of observing my visage would be too much for the human mind, my child.
But were we not made in your own image?
Technically...only Quentin Tarantino is an exact match.
I am so cool with the fire thing.

 

by Stevorama
10-13-09
It is so fitting to be here in this graveyard on Halloween.
Here where the wrath of the fallen is unleashed one night a year in its spectral fury!
Where the black forces hold sway over the mists of the cosmic destiny that drives us all on to our oblivion!
Where the dark spirits are swirling around us, bemoaning their captivity in the dank bowels of purgatory, daring us to loose the ancient incantations to set them free from the realm of the undead!
I just peed a little.
I love you so much.

 

by Stevorama
10-13-09
Mom said I could use the computer at 8 o'clock. It's 8:30...
I'm doing my math homework, let me finish!
That's it. I'm telling.
I can't help it, these complex division problems take awhile!
OK, so how many soccer players go into Debbie?

 

by Stevorama
10-15-09
Hi there. I'm lookin' for a casual relationship with a hot mama.
I'm a party guy and love to romp with hot girls, and am usually not a one-woman man.
Of course, if it comes up, I don't mind strings.

 

by Stevorama
10-15-09
Hey, I have a question for you...why are nuns called "sisters"?
It is sometimes a mistake. Technically, they are different. "Sisters" are cloistered and rarely leave the convent. "Nuns" work out in the greater community.
I was gonna ask where the word "nunya" came from, but my head hurts already.

 

by Stevorama
10-15-09
So's I come down the hill and see that nekkid lady...
I asked her, "Hey, honey, are you game?", and she said yes.
So I shot her.

 

by Stevorama
10-17-09
...and this is our isolation chamber.
It deprives the subject of all sight and sound for total relaxation.
It also quiets the screams when the water starts coming in.

 

by Stevorama
2-20-10
Almost done with my coffee, then it's off to save the world again.
Heart surgery, brain surgery, transplants, hip replacements...ah, the joy of helping humanity.
Back to your room, Mr. Edmundson. It's not nice to slip out of the psych ward like that.
Let's make a deal, Nurse Buzzkill- you pretend I'm a doctor and I'll pretend those breasts are real, k?

 

by Stevorama
2-20-10
So let me get this straight. I get one wish, right?
You certainly do.
But none of this "I wish for more wishes" crap.
I wish you'd die.
Eventually. For now I'm off to burn down your house. Might wanna throw a timetable in there next time, Cletus.

 

by Stevorama
9-25-10
I'm waiting for Debbie. She said she's coming right out.
I am being the patient, loving boyfriend that she wants and needs. My love is based on respect, admiration, and the knowledge that consideration now can mean deep, abiding passion later.
Of course, I've been sitting here for three fucking days, so it may not exactly be a mutual thing.

 

by Stevorama
9-25-10
Are you protesting again?
I'm doing my part to right the wrongs in our society. It's my right, nay, my DUTY, to stand up for those who just can't take it any more!
So what should we just say no to?
Celine Dion.
Outta here.
Canadian-lover.

 

by Stevorama
9-28-10
So, Nurse Danforth, was the operation a success?
Well, there's good news and bad, kid.
We ended up having to remove her entire brain.
What the hell is the good news?
She's still smarter than that Palin bitch.

 

by Stevorama
10-13-10
And so, the 33 Chilean miners and their rescue workers are finally all above ground and safe.
After 24 hours of tense, draining work and worry, everyone gets to do what they've wanted to do for so long - go home with their families...
...and I'm assuming I can now stop peeing in a coffee jar behind the ambulances.

 

by Stevorama
10-13-10
Who was at the door, son?
Someone from the Republican National Committee.
Why are they visiting Democrats like us?
They're offering free rides to the polls in November.
Wow, that's pretty fair of them.
Not really. They meant the polls in Darfur.

 

by Stevorama
10-13-10
The 30-minute lecture ends...
So you see, children, that's how the Revolutionary War made us our own nation, free from the tyranny of England.
Are there any questions?
Yes, Mr. Substitute, sir...
...Do you realize you're in the chemistry classroom, dumbass?

 

by Stevorama
10-14-10
There was controversy on "Dancing With The Stars" last night...
Bristol Palin's 6-foot-high leg kick was disallowed for consideration in final judging.
The judges said it was indeed impressive, but since it happened nine hours before the telecast in a broom closet with a sound tech, it didn't count.

 

by Stevorama
10-14-10
Discovered: Couric - Palin outtakes...
So, Governor Palin, what are your views on euthanasia?
Well, Katie...
I think Chinese children are beautiful.

 

by Stevorama
10-14-10
...and even as we speak, they are developing machines to track your every move!
Here we go again. Election-year fearmongering. Making stuff up to keep us scared so we'll vote for anyone who says they'll protect us. I'm smarter than that, fellas!
Wait! Come back! There's more!
On the other hand...

 

by Stevorama
10-14-10
I don't get it.
I've lived here for ten years. People know me.
Why is everyone I pass tonight calling me "Christine"?
Maybe "psychopathic spell-chucking mouse-brained anti-diddler" takes too long?

 

by Stevorama
10-15-10
And so we must stop the tyranny that is Washington!
Let's send the Nazi Marxist Communist Socialist Nationalist Elites back to the sewer they came from!
,,,And truck nuts for everybody!
You had me at "truck".

 

by Stevorama
11-16-10
Happy Thanksgiving from the Republican Party.
We can't be with you because we're on our tax-deductible yachts in Belize hiding the latest round of oil company kickbacks in their banks, but rest assured we're always thinking of the little people.
And laughing our asses off.

 

by Stevorama
11-16-10
You will surrender to us. We are here to take over your planet.
It's about time somebody did. We are so screwed. Pollution, global warming, corruption, greed, oil spills, starving children, the Tea Party...
Whoa, maybe not.
Somehow I knew that would be the tipping point.

 

by Stevorama
7-19-11
So, Sheila, did my little sister give you any trouble?
She started out pretty hyper, but I got her to take a bath and go straight to bed.
Wow, she's usually pretty hard to calm down. What's your secret?
I told her that if she didn't like my style of babysitting, I could always call Casey Anthony.

 

by Stevorama
7-19-11
Listen, you...
I will render you bruised and broken.
For God's sake, all right already!
I will see you bow down before me in total servitude.
Slurpee it is.
I will get my coat.

 

by Stevorama
7-19-11
So, Jesus, you wanna go to the grocery store with me?
Thanks, but I have to be here to sign for that cross when it gets here today.
I'll just be hanging around.
That reminds me. Vinegar.

 

by Stevorama
7-21-11
OK, come out. I know you're in here.
You can run, but you can't hide!
A little shaving cream goes a long way, douche.

 

by Stevorama
7-21-11
After 9/11, I was so fearful of being stereotyped.
I will be forever grateful to you for seeing through the ignorant caricatures and being my true friend.
Cool. So when do I get my three wishes?

 

by Stevorama
7-21-11
This meeting of the Student Council will now come to order.
Debbie, do you have the minutes from last month's meeting?
Just under 60, Bob.

 

by Stevorama
7-21-11
I can't get this damn iPad to work. the screen buttons are too small.
They need to make a larger version to keep people from hitting the wrong letters. Something really big.
Damn it. "MaxiPad" is already taken.

 

by Stevorama
7-21-11
Gah...gah...
The strange noises babies make...
Ooh...lala...
I wonder where it all comes from?
You'd think she'd never heard "Bad Romance" before.

 

by Stevorama
1-03-12
I wouldn't want to be Tammy. The boss in her department is an asshole.
I'll say.
When the girl in the next cubicle lost her hand in that car accident and needed time to recouperate...
The prick sent her her schedule, a catcher's mitt and a roll of duct tape.

 

by Stevorama
1-03-12
When I was a girl, we didn't have to worry about our husbands getting too drunk to function.
When I was a girl, men could raise a family, keep a job, and do all those kinds of things in moderation.
When you were a girl, your wife didn't come home from "girls night out" with a video camera and a strap-on.

 

by Stevorama
1-03-12
Do you know that Kenny Rogers got his start in a band called The New Edition?
Do you know that a flea can jump 200 times the length of the smallest toe on its right foot if you pray hard enough?
I didn't notice until it was already home that it was "Trivial Pursuit: Republican Edition".

 

by Stevorama
1-18-12
And now, a message from the children...
We would like to praise Newt Gingrich on his bold statements of advocacy for child labor.
It is indeed evident that in our troubled financial times. children need to help the family fortunes, as well as developing a work ethic that will help us later in life.
Newt would help too, but between the stick up his fat ass and the Stepford bitch that keeps dragging him to Tiffany's, that waste of flesh ain't doing shit.

 

by Stevorama
1-19-12
Babies having babies...maybe...
OK, so we're making a kid, right?
I guess so.
So what do we do next?
According to my cousin Tommy we'll need some plastic eating utensils.
What the...?
He said something about it being delivered by a spork.

 

by Stevorama
1-19-12
We're going dark to protest SOPA.
It's going to be a mess. After about three days we may have to reconsider, we're really going to smell by then...
You're thinking of soap. We're not protesting that.
Make up your mind, bitch.

 

by Stevorama
1-19-12
I really need to remember where I parked. The circus is gonna start without me.
There you are, sir. I've been looking for you, it's almost time. Come with me, please.
I am so freakin' tired of having to track down these Republican candidates every time there's a debate.

 

by Stevorama
3-31-12
How has the controversy affected your life here in Sanford?
It's been eye-opening.
Howso?
It's shown me how mean and prejudiced people can be. It's actually shaken my faith in humanity quite a bit. I keep thinking about that poor kid to the point of distraction.
So, as you see, Trayvon Martin made this man's life a living hell.
Let me guess...Fox News?

 

by Stevorama
3-31-12
You know, if the insurance mandate is declared unconstitutional, I'm gonna make out like a bandit!
What does that mean?
The state made me buy car insurance for years. They're gonna owe me thousands!
Wow, I hadn't thought of that! What will you buy with all that money?
By the time it gets through the legal system, I'm guessing 5 gallons of gas.
True dat.

 

by Stevorama
3-31-12
Bristol Palin says her new chin job was "medically necessary."
Yeah, right. What a load.
No, I wholeheartedly believe her.
What the hell are you basing that on?
I'm assuming that years of testicles banging against your jaw can really fuck a girl up.

 

by Stevorama
4-24-12
So Chris Christie told the Nets "Good riddance"?
Yeah, but I get his frustration.
It makes no sense that the Nets wanted to leave New Jersey.
After all, its governor is such a ray of fucking sunshine.

 

by Stevorama
4-24-12
In other news, we mourn the loss of Dick Clark, who died today of a massive heart attack.
He gave us "American Bandstand", "The 20,000 Dollar Pyramid", and other shows for which he will always be fondly remembered.
To be fair, though, the prick also gave us Ryan Seacrest.

Showing page 2.

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