All comics by aspaddict

 

Hurricanes = Global Warming by aspaddict 7-29-06
Live in the field... Im Kent Fudraker with FOX news - scientists report that hurricanes are more powerful now than they were 20 years ago.	Of course, the only possible explanation is global warming, which means we were right all along! Teh global warming will kill us all!!one!! Well, actually we in the scientific community think that its because our instruments are more accurate than they were 20 years ago, thanks to technological advances.	Scientists say STFU and GBTW GLOBAL WARMING!! WE ARE GONNA DIE!!! STOP DRIVING SO MUCH!! BUY A HYBRID!!! RIDE A BIKE!!! YOU'RE KILLING THE PLANET!!! You, sir, are a fruitcake.

 

The defective sound card by aspaddict 8-10-06
The defective sound card This sound card is defective and I want a new one. What's the problem with it?	The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out Of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective. You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.	Oh, son of a ... *click* *snicker*

 

Helicopter Parents Suck by aspaddict 8-12-06
I believe they call them "helicopter parents"... Now you know my number at home and work, as well as my cell number? Yes, dad..	What about the number to the local newspaper, CNN, ABC, CBS, and Fox News..and our minister and our lawyer? Just like you told me, what's the big deal?	Now remember, call me if those Nazis try to make you THINK or - even worse - expect you to PASS a class. I won't stand for them picking on my little girl... I hate back to school...

 

Ever have one of those days? by aspaddict 8-14-06
Ever have one of those days? Yeah hi, I know you really need certain information from me to start but I just have one question to ask and I'm in a real hurry its an EMERGENCY!!! Umm, well, what's the question?	Umm, there's a tornado coming and I need to know if I should unplug my cable modem. Eek! I think it turned this way! Sir, I think you should stop worrying about the CABLE MODEM and find a basement or a ditch, NOW!!!	Run, Forrest, Run! Are you sure? YES! Modems can be replaced, limbs are a bit harder. GO!

 

It's just text. by aspaddict 8-15-06
Thank you for calling the helpdesk... Is there anything on the screen? Yeah, garbage.	What sort of garbage? I've done tole ya -- garbage.	...now go away. Can you read out the garbage to me? P-L-E-A-S-E P-R-E-S-S E-N-T-E-R...oh wait..*click*!

 

Every time Liza opens her mouth, stupid stuff comes out.... by aspaddict 12-07-06
Every time Liza opens her mouth, stupid stuff comes out.... Hey, what does LTL stand for, anyway? You mean "LTL" as in the abbreviation that dispatchers use at least 50 times a day? Aren't you a dispatcher?	Well, yeah, but I don't know all these fancy new terms - it's so hard to keep up with the industry! The term "LTL" has been around for YEARS - it's not a new term at all! That would be like a sysadmin asking what "PC" stands for...	See what I mean? So what does "LTL" stand for anyway? I want to know! It's an abbreviation for the word "little" - as in a "little load." Think of it as something that is "Less Than a Truckload." if that helps...

 

Jesus finds out the truth... by aspaddict 4-28-07
Faux News Reports... In other news today, John has released the 16th verse of the 3rd chapter of his new book.	It says "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life." Wait a damn minute here...my dad never said ANYTHING about this - I thought it was just some drunk ass Jews!!!	Certainly, all of us are grateful for God's supreme sacrifice on our behalf...up next, the weather! What the hell? I'M the one hanging on this fucking cross and that lying bastard gets all the credit? This is bullshit...

 

President Bush, Bring the Troops Home by aspaddict 5-01-07
The troops have a chance... Mr. President, on behalf of all of our troops, could you PLEASE sign this bill that allows us to finally get out of Iraq> ...	...Mr President? Did you hear me? ...	Well, they WOULD have... I wish I knew what he was thinking... ...where's my VETO crayon at?...

 

You...you don't work here anymore! by aspaddict 9-10-07
Why are you here? Hey, I can't seem to access anything remotely anymore...I need you to fix it. You uh, you realize you don't WORK here anymore and your access has been disabled, right?	Well, I know I don't work here anymore, but I still want to be able to get into the system... Yeah, I'm gonna have to say no this time.	Go away now...no, seriously. How DARE you tell me NO??? Actually, I wanted to tell you "piss off, wanker" but I was trying to be polite...

 

Interesting Requests by aspaddict 10-05-07
IS/IT guys get some interesting requests sometimes... I have a question for you about my laptop... Okay, shoot.	I want to take it with me to a client to do a presentation, but I notice there are a lot of cords in the back. Which ones will I have to disconnect to do that? You'll have to disconnect all of them - they're not long enough to reach outside of the building. Heh.	VERY interesting requests... Oh. Well that's a bummer. Isn't there some way to fix that? You. Die in a Fire. Now.

 

No such thing as a stupid question? by aspaddict 10-05-07
No such thing as a stupid question, huh? If I'm sending a letter through the post office, do I need to put the city, state and zip code on the envelope? Can you fix my laptop so that I can take it everywhere without unplugging all cables that are attached to it?	Keep reading, it gets better... Can you get my computer to run Powerpoint instead of Windows? I really need Powerpoint more, and I hardly use Windows at all. I need you to find a file for me that my boss was working on. All I know about it is that he was using this computer when he pulled it up.	I swear that last one really happened. Some days, it's not worth chewing through the straps. It's a real pain to have to retype everything that someone told me in an email. Is there some way I can just forward the original email to someone else without retyping it? If I wanted to add two numbers together, how would I do that?

 

Slow Learner, Aincha? by aspaddict 10-11-07
Monday... Hey, could you please not visit that website anymore? It's not work related and you now have spyware on your PC that is killing the network. Oops, okay - sorry about that.	Wednesday... Hey, me again. I couldn't help but notice that you went BACK to that website, got infected again, and killed the network again. Oh yeah. Sorry. You said something about that before, huh?	Friday... Hey there. Me again. Can you guess why I'm here? No, but can you do something about the network? It seems like it's really slow today...

 

The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth by aspaddict 12-17-07
Why don't you brush the snow off the hood of your car? Oh boy - the truth is that I like to leave the snow there so that when I pick up speed, it blows over the roof of the car like the sparks on the "Back to the Future" DeLorean...	...but how can I tell HER that? Have to think quick - gotta tell her something that she will believe AND will help me seem less dorky...	She never would have believed me anyway Did you hear me?? Huh? Oh, yeah. That. I guess I'm just lazy.

 

Will you just calm down? by aspaddict 1-22-08
Happy Tuesday! What's with all the yelling and banging over here? It's this stupid computer - it won't do what I want it to!	You DO realize that smashing the keys with a hammer and hitting the monitor with a phone book WON'T help, right? Well, what am I SUPPOSED to do?	Only 3 more days til the weekend! Oh, I don't know...maybe calm down, act like a rational human being for once and THINK for a minute? I have a computer. I shouldn't HAVE to think.

 

Seriously, how is this MY fault? by aspaddict 12-29-09
So begins another day.... The customer is pissed! That workstation you delivered wasn't fully configured AND their software wasn't even installed! What do you have to say for yourself? Umm, how is it my fault that our order department didn't finish THEIR job, but told me that it was 100% ready?	Well, you were the one who delivered it! You were the last one to touch it, therefore it's YOUR fault! By that logic, if Firestone manufactures a faulty tire, I should blame the guy in Detroit that put my tires on, since he was "the last one to touch it."	If there is a hell, this is it. Okay, smartass - what do you suggest we do then? I know this is radical thinking and all, but how about actually making other people do their jobs around here? Or would that be too much like "work" for you?

 

In the beginning... by aspaddict 3-18-11
...1998... How come the phones are ringing off the hook tonight? Well, let's see - we work for Mega Software and they released a crap product before it was ready. It's got more bugs than Courtney Love's mattress.	The problem is that they made the interface all cartoony, and people are gobbling it up despite the fact that it doesn't work	Ha! Good one. I guess we can't take comfort in the fact that this same company hasn't released an operating system like that! True. Hey, did you hear about this new project coming up? The code name is "Longhorn". Sounds promising...

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