All comics by count_libido

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by count_libido
11-21-05
There's a scientist up there trying to catch me using atoms as bait.
Atoms?
He's trying to achieve Nuclear Fishin'

 

by count_libido
11-21-05
Mail call...
We need you to beam down and pick up the mail
A mail call? Sure!
This should be a cinch...
Hey, you got any post for me?
Boy, you caught me on the wrong day, brother...

 

by count_libido
11-21-05
Smokey! I hear you've been banned from restaurants!
That's right!
Is that because smoking is now frowned on in public places?
Nope. They caught me trying to do a 'dine n dash'.

 

by count_libido
11-21-05
Today I'll show you how Gwen Stefani wrote a song...
Mmm...bananas...
Do you eat bananas all the time?
Yup. Only problem is, all my shit comes out yellow and smells like bananas.
Hey! That gives me an idea!
This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

 

by count_libido
11-21-05
So, is this where they made you?
Look, just because I am logical and unemotional, it doesn't make me a robot.
Why...do..you... not...call...me?
Hey, I've been busy, baby.

 

by count_libido
11-21-05
The Away Team beam down
See? I don't know what all the fuss is about. This isn't so bad is it?
I guess not...
I'm going this way to find some alien chicks!
...okay...
Maybe this isn't so bad after all!
I haven't the heart to tell him...

 

by count_libido
11-21-05
Starship Sickbay
The Captain stopped by sickbay earlier.
Really? What did he want?
He said he needed me to check out his ass.
What's wrong with his ass?
Nothing. He said he'd been working out.
He puts the 'ass' in 'astronaut'.

 

by count_libido
11-21-05
The Alien Peace Negotiation
So what do you boogers want?
You blew up our planet and made out with our women! The time has come for you to pay!
Later, back on the ship...
Toupee? You said you couldn't tell!

 

by count_libido
11-22-05
The Away Team is on another mission
I think I'm lost. I need to ask someone for directions...
Excuse me sir, do you know where the heck I am?
Aah! A red shirt! As red as.... your blood! Mu-ha-haa!

 

by count_libido
11-22-05
Say Bacon, have you got a match?
Have I got a match?
Now I do!

 

by count_libido
11-22-05
Phew! I spent most of this morning being chased by a shark!
Yeah? Well I was almost caught by 3 fishermen and then nearly ended up in a lobster cage!
I envy goldfish...

 

by count_libido
11-22-05
Auditions for Starship Captain.
CCOOOORRRNNN!
Next....
Uh..? Can?
Next....
KKHHAAAANNNNNNN!
You're hired.

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
Auditions for Starship Captain
Okay, you're on a mission to an alien world...what do you do?
If it's a weird alien guy...two foot flying drop kick!
Okay, say it's a woman...
Then I put the moves on her!
Do I get a shirt that's easy to tear?

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don't need no water let the muddyfunster burn!
Why is the roof on fire?
I was dancing on the ceiling like Lionel Richie!

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
Whatcha doing Smokey?
oooooommmmmmmmm...
I'm doing yoga to make me feel more calm and relaxed!
Why are you doing that?
You never heard of passive smoking?

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
The New German Alliance visits the Starship...
Guten Tag mein Kapitan, My Name is Herr Pees...
'Hair Piece'?! Blast this sunnavabitch!
No one disses the hair!

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
Alien scum! Eat my flying drop kick!
The alien beams out...
Huh? Aaaah..!
Are you alright Captain?
I think I broke my corset...

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
I met this alien the other day. He was a yeast based life form and his body had a soft dough like consistency.
What kind of alien is that?
He's bread, Jim.

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
So this is where the buried treasure is? I don't see it.
Yarr! It be right here in Botany Bay!
Can I see that treasure map?
Yarr!
This doesn't say 'botany bay'! It says 'put on e-bay'!

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
Hello? 976-alienbabe?
So, what colour are you? You like humans?
yeah baby..!
It's a living...

 

by count_libido
11-23-05
Hello? Hello? is this thing on?
Hello? Operator?
Why isn't this this working?
That's an electric razor, Captain.

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
This is the Captain! Beam me up along with the pointy eared fairy!
I'm not a fairy!
Later, back on the ship...
Man, I wish everyone would stop calling me a fairy just because I have pointed ears...
Can you help me with my homework?
Go ask your mother.

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
What are you eating?
Delicious plankton!
Can I have some?
No! Ha ha! It's mine! All mine and you can't have any!
Well now you're just being shellfish...

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
I can't believe the Mob through me in here!
Well, I guess things can't get any worse...
How you doin'?

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
Whhhhooooo!
Hey! Why aren't you scared?
I thought you were a jellyfish.

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
Who are you?
I am God.
I thought you lived at the centre of the galaxy or something?
What am I? A donut hole?

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
If you really are God, show me a miracle.
Okay
BEHOLD! THE LORD, YOUR GOD!
I was thinking more like getting reruns of TJ Hooker.

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
How can you God? How can someone be in charge of something so powerful when they're short, fat and bald?
Takes one to know one.
I don't know what you're talking about...

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
Whhoo!
haa!
Whoa!
Aaah!
What the heck are you doing?
Moving in mysterious ways!

 

by count_libido
11-25-05
Ok, I'll prove I'm God. Whaddya want? Ask me anything!
I want women to think I'm cute!
You got it! Presto Chango!
Later
Aw, isn't he the cutest?
Me and my big mouth...

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Hiya Smokey!
Hiya Bacon!
How're you doing?
Er... I feel funny...
Darn! I think someone packed me full of reefer again...

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Wumba? Woobe?
Wumble? Wooble?
Guys, I'm a doctor and the word you are looking for is 'womb'.
I still say it's 'woomble'
Yeah, I'll bet he's never even seen a water buffalo, let alone know the sound one makes farting underwater!

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Hey baby!
I'm sorry. I can't talk to you. I don't eat meat.
I guess that means a blow job is out of the question?

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Hey Bacon! How was your day?
Terrible! I got fired from the butchers!
What for?
Fooling around with the bacon slicer...
What happenned to the bacon slicer?
She got fired too!

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Ensign, prepare to beam down to the Death Planet!
The Death Planet? Are you freaking crazy? I'll be killed for sure!
Look, I'm sure it's just a name. You'll be fine.
Yeah? Well what happenned to the last guys you sent?
Down on the planet...
Hey, you're on an Away Team? So was I!

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Aaah...
Smokey! What's with the big pile of ash?
I have diarrhea ...

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Wow, it's Splat Baxter! You're my favourite daredevil!
Hey, have you been to the hospital?
Yeah, my last stunt went wrong when my agent got the instructions confused.
What happenned?
I tried to jump 15 motorbikes in a truck.

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Splat Baxter! What amazing thing are you working on next?
I'm going to break into my car.
Don't you mean break out of your car whilst chained up and before a totally heavy weight drops on your car in a blazing fireball of death?
No, break in. I lost my keys.

 

by count_libido
11-28-05
Hey man, you got any cigarettes?
Sure man, sure. You lookin' for a smoke?
Nope, I'm trying to get a date.

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
The Starship toilet...
Oh yeah! Man, that feels better!
Sweet zombie Jesus! What IS that smell?
That would be the 'Captain's log'.

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
The drowning fashion victim...
Stupid concrete shoes! I hate them!
Why?
They don't go with anything I'm wearing!

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
Millions of years ago...
Whatcha doing?
Smokin'!
Is it cool? It won't make me extinct or anything will it?
Nah! Light 'em up!
Today...
Damn those rising oil prices!
Hey, if it wasn't for me, there wouldn't be any oil!

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
Hi, welcome to Galaxy Fried Chicken. Can I take your order please?
Yes, I'd like the the GFC combo meal!
You want a side order with that? Beans? Gravy? Corn?
CCCOOOOOORRRRRNNNN!!!!!

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
Captain, we're approaching an asteroid field!
Carefully does it, Mr. Crumpler!
Y'know, I used to work for Han Solo. He never took it careful through these things!
Warp Factor 9, Mr. Crumpler! That sumbitch isn't gonna make me look like a pussy again!

 

Why is the Captain wearing a cape over his head?
He says it's his new cloaking device...
by count_libido, 11-29-05

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
We need you to beam down to Planet Doom and meet our contact down there.
Well, as long as he's not dangerous...
Why do I get all the crummy missions to the death planets?
Where is this guy anyway?
Can I help you, mortal?

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
Crew auditions...
So Mr. Skirt, it says here you left your last ship because of it's engine performance?
No sir! It was the toilets!
The ship didn't have a toilet?
Aye sir! I couldnae take no moor! She didnae have the poo-er!

 

by count_libido
11-29-05
So, you're new in Engineering huh?
Aye, tha's right!
Yeah, I'm in engineering too but just cause I got this red jersey, they keep trying to send me on these suicidal Away Team missions!
Ah there you are. We need you to deliver this cargo of raw meat to Planet Wolverine.
*$*£%!!

 

by count_libido
11-30-05
How can I help you?
Well Doctor, I have a nasty rasher...
Don't you mean a nasty rash?
Nope. Rasher. Look, I'll show you!
You call that a coat? It's disgusting! Whoa, you're breath stinks like old toilets! You are the worst doctor I've ever seen..!

 

by count_libido
11-30-05
Oh boy! It's the Smokey & Bacon show!
Hi kids!
Today's show is brought to you by the letters 'P' and 'I' and the number '55'!
"P.I.55?'
Quiet Smokey! I don't think they've noticed!

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