All comics by djte

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by djte
1-28-04
Editor's note: the views expressed by Jesus do not necessarily reflect the views of the publishers
I'd just like to say that I was offended by the title of that last strip
I mean, who would equate a British transvestite with Me?
But what if said British transvestite were ariticulate, funny, and well-versed in history in order to make fun of the wrong-doings of said history?
Medammit! You've got me there.

 

by djte
1-29-04
Some people say that i have been emasculated, but that's a load of shit.
I mean, come on, when my woman gets uppity, all i feel is anger and all she feels is the back of my hand.
Meanwhile, in the real world...
Matt, what are you doing in there? Are you making fun of me?
I'm not doing shit... wait until I delete this comic strip...

 

by djte
1-29-04
Tonight on the news, more bullshit that you probably don't want to hear.
Goddammit. Somebody should really do something about this atrocious bullshit and pseudo media coverage
Did I hear a segue?
You rang?
It's about fucking time

 

by djte
1-29-04
So I'm here as your personal avenger against the media?
In a word... yes
So where should I start?
Well, let's do the obvious. Take out Fox News
I'm so on this

 

by djte
1-29-04
Blah blah blah fair and balanced and blah blah blah fucking liberals blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah liberal media bias blah blah blah blah blah blah Al Franken sucks blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!
And the streets shall flow with the blood of the nonbeliever

 

by djte
1-29-04
OH DEAR GOD I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE LIES I SPREAD!
It's not my fault and don't take it personally, but I have to kill you as a sacrifce to make media good again
You can't hide from Surly the Magnificent, Avenger of the Meida!
OH FUCKING SHIT OH MY GOD THE PAIN OH SWEET JESUS
I should have done this a long time ago

 

by djte
1-29-04
Gray sure responds to my comics quickly
Do you know why that is?
Sucky sucky?
and another stereotype angel gets its wings
*sigh*

 

by djte
1-29-04
knock knock
who's there?
that's not a knock knock joke, that's just the sound of your mom's tits hitting her chest as a fuck her in the ass
didn't you already make that joke in your comic strip?
DAMMIT!
Yeah, but this way, you get to have the witty comeback
yeah, well, umm... FUCK YOU. that ought show you. oh fuck, i'm only THINKING this.

 

by djte
1-29-04
The idea is planted...
Matt, you should come work out with us. It's fun
I just want to smoke cigarettes and eat crappy food
it lies dormant...
Matt, you should go work out with them, it'll be fun
I just want to be lazy and do nothing.
and then it produces flowers
I guess i'll have to go work out, it's the only way to get beefcaked until those muscle shockers that exercise for you come in the mail

 

by djte
1-29-04
this is the 60th comic that i've made
I should celebrate.
yes, celebrate the fact that i make comics online using stock characters when i could be doing something productive

 

by djte
1-29-04
Since i was bitching in the last strip that i don't do anything productive, i think i will now
I'm going to take a field trip
Greetings from sunny New Mexico
ahhh... that's much better

 

by djte
1-29-04
Why do i suck?
because god hates you
why do i suck?
because god hates you
why do i suck?
because i hate you

 

by djte
1-29-04
galdhasldfjasldfhaslg
dammit, i thought the purge would have held them off for awhile
Surly, we must do more
sure thing. i kinda like this
good, and i'm upgrading you from avenger. you are now the media assassin.
excellent

 

by djte
1-30-04
This just in... it seems that all the major media outlets have been assassinated
excellent
Wait a minute... how is the news media that has been destoryed able to make a report...? Surly!
Yes?
I think we have a problem.

 

by djte
1-30-04
Did you leave any survivors?
Only a few, but I think they're too scared to do anything too much
But I saw them making a report about our destruction of the news media. How can this be?
Well, I told them to wrap things up with that report.
So you let them do it to pave the way for us?
Yes.

 

by djte
1-30-04
ahem. As some of you are aware, I have commissioned the assassination of the major news media. This might take some of you by surprise, but it is for the greater good
In our top storys tonight... the major news media is dead. Long live the truth. And now over to Surly for the weather
Tonight's weather looks cloudy with a possible chance of bloodstorms left over from the purging front that is sweeping down from the north and eliminating the mainstream media

 

by djte
1-30-04
Thank you weatherman Surly. We now go to our man on the street, Surly, with some reactions about the recent Purges
How do you feel about the Purging of the Media?
I think that it's a travesty, I mean what with all the death and everything. But then again, it's probably a necessary evil in the Machiavellian sense
But aren't you a baby? How do you have such an opinon?
Please, I may be a baby, does that negate my contributions to society? I think not.

 

by djte
1-30-04
Finally, before we leave you for tonight, let's take a look at Fox News and see what's going on over there. Ready with the live patch?
Fox News Headquaters
Excellent.

 

by djte
1-30-04
Another momentous occasion
Tonight we've got a crossover guest to help us celebrate another strip anniversary. It's one of the co-writers of Mocha_Monk: Mike Thomas
What's up playa
So Mike, this is my 69th comic. What do you have to say about that?
Congrats, man.
You're not going to insert an obvious joke?
What, like that's what I was doing last night to your mother? No way man, I'm classier than that

 

by djte
1-30-04
Hey, what's up, Marshall. You look alot like gray here in stripcreator-land
Yeah, so i here, Matt
Well, what's up?
I've been reading your comics.
actual quote by Marshall
and...?
and i think i dislocated my mind*

 

by djte
2-02-04
What is this, some kind of joke?

 

by djte
2-02-04
Marshall, do you know what the best part about this comic thing is?
No, what?
You can represent people however you want.
I see...
Hey guys, what's up?
Hey Jared

 

by djte
2-03-04
Matt, why are you so smart?
Well, you see. It all has to do with representations. I am in control of this strip, so I represent myself as the epitome of awesomeness
but, c'mon, you aren't all that cool.
*sigh* what did i just say?
Now i must portray you as this, a crappily drawn finger puppet

 

by djte
2-03-04
for the simple answer, just look at the previous strip
Today I will now express my genius
Oh, you choose now?
You see, brillance must take time to show itself
Then why have you written so many unfunny strips?
First and foremost, if you don't get my humor, then you don't have a sense of humor. Secondly. Fuck you

 

by djte
2-03-04
The Washington Post had a contest to add/delete/change one letter from a real word to make a new one and supply a definition. These are the best ones.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

 

by djte
2-03-04
*see last strip
I have hepatitus
are you trying to use one of the new words* coined? Don't you mean "hipatitus"?
No, I have hepatitus.
..........
Obviously pays no attention to any of my recent strips. (See Ecce Matt Chapter One)
BEGONE!

 

by djte
2-03-04
So, today was an interesting day
Yeah, what kind of day? why are you in the clouds if you can't fly?
Actually, I'm a fucking owl. ahem. like I said, today was an interesting day
How interesting was it? Did you get laid or something? Bet you didn't. And why are you suddenly in a spaceship, huh?
Hey, would you guys shut up? I'm trying to make a joke before the strip ends
Oh shit, he can hear us. Well, i guess it's too late for a joke

 

by djte
2-03-04
So i'm getting this chick from behind when...
Hey, haven't you already told this joke before?
ok fuckers, i've had enough of this shit, get out. Now, where was I? Fuck it. Cut the cameras, fade to black and roll the credits, cause i'm done here

 

by djte
2-03-04
maybe now i'll have some peace...

 

by djte
2-03-04
ahhh... peace at last...

 

by djte
2-03-04
a light in the dark
I have hiptatis
Who said that?!

 

by djte
2-03-04
and by hipatis did you mean hipatitis?
....................................
....yes
excellent

 

by djte
2-08-04
well, after that nice little hiatus, i'm back.
what in the living hell were those last couple of strips about, anyway?
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
you know, i'm not really sure
thought so

 

by djte
2-08-04
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *retch gag vomit*
that's just fucking gross

 

by djte
2-08-04
It's that time again, I've got grading, and the stupid things being said are in abundance
Ok, it's that time that you've all been waiting for... stupid things said by my students
First of all comes from an otherwise flawless paper. It says "the Spanish came to America in 1960 looking for wealth".
I could let it slide as a typo if the student didn't refer to the "Pueblo Revolt of 1960" (the "title" of the text she was discussing) later on in the paper.
I'll be goddamned. You learn something new everyday

 

by djte
2-08-04
So last night i finally saw Shaolin Soccer
So did you like it, Matt?
Are you kidding, Marshall? Look at the title of this strip
So you liked it?
Dude, it was fucking brilliant

 

by djte
2-08-04
So, Matt, why exactly have you been portraying me as a chessboard?
Well Marshall, it's because when I hang out with you, I never get bored
I get the feeling that you're making some sort of play on my image.
Who me? I don't stoop to such low-brow humor as puns
However, if you keep working out, you're "chess" will be totally ripped. CHECKMATE!
asshole

 

by djte
2-08-04
So I think that this whole Janet Jackon thing is way out of proportion, i think it just represents our puritanical heritage. Especially since it punctuated the dick and fart joke commercials
Yeah, but doesn't talking about it here in your strip only perpetuate the problem?
Exactly, which is why I'm not going to discuss it ever again.
Good plan.
So, since we're not discussing it, I guess we need to find something funny to do for this last panel
Yeah.

 

by djte
2-08-04
So who are you hoping gets the Democratic nomination?
Well, realistically, I like Kucinich, but I think Dean's ok. Clark has experience, too, but I just don't know.
rraaarr i am john kerry and i would like to be your president
Holy Shit! Is he REALLY the front-runner? Jesus fucking Christ. But I guess a zombie president would be pretty cool, if he could win
Yeah, think of the carnage, and the cool laws that would be passed. Executive order number 5502510: "all healthy babies must be shipped to the White House"

 

by djte
2-10-04
???
What are you?
I really should lay off the cheap shots
I'm what's left of Howard Dean's campaign
ooooohh.

 

by djte
2-15-04
Ok, so every now and then, I like to check out what's going on over on the other side of the political spectrum. These are some websites I found
First of all is www.boycottliberals.com That about sums up that one, it's full of hate
Next is www.bowlingfortruth.com It's dedicated to debunking Michael Moore's film "Bowling for Columbine". I can't fully comment on it because I need to do more of my own fact-checking
See, I like to check things for myself, rather than believe what other people would force-feed me.
Finally, is www.pabaah.com it stands for "patriotic americans against anti-american hollywood". Hmm.. let's see what they have to say. apparently we should boycott "50 first dates" because
Drew Barrymoore supports the UN. I didn't know the UN was un-patriotic. oh yeah, that's right, they SUPPORT HUMAN RIGHTS. I was actually going to boycott the film anyway, only cuz it looks like crap

 

by djte
2-17-04
*sorry, i couldn't find an old character
When I get old*, I want to sit on a park bench feeding birds
People will think that I'm feeding the birds
but I really just want to watch the sexy bitches jog by

 

by djte
2-17-04
.....
.....
......
......
......I like Stripcreator
.....why are they staring at us?

 

by djte
2-17-04
What are you doing, Matt?
I'm trying to create a meta-comic. but i have no ideas
well perhaps you could tell people how hard it is to come up with ideas for these things
I could do that...
but then there would be no joke, just an awkward ending

 

by djte
2-17-04
Hi I'm Kenny Rogers, and this is slur-fest. JAP!!
Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers and this is drunken wrestling
I'm down for that!!
Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers, and this is my mom

 

by djte
2-17-04
5

 

by djte
2-17-04
What's the deal with the countdown?

 

by djte
2-17-04
what are you doing?
You'll see

 

by djte
2-17-04
you're frigid

 

by djte
2-17-04
Well, you did it, but I still beat you
Whatever, the last five have been my meta-comic
Congrats, man
Thanks, it took quite a bit of fortitude to make it this far
Why have you been wasting your time doing this? and why isn't there a joke at the end? Isn't it all anti-climactic
Because i can, and yes it is

Showing page 2.

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